Cruel(lest) ways you've been rejected?

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One of the last people I thought of as a friend dumped me by simply saying it in words. We were both in our early 20's and both still living at home. One day I went over to his house thinking everything was fine. But he stopped me at the door and said "You know, the only reason I hung around you is because you had said that you were going to get out on your own, and I wanted to be a part of that. But you never did and so I don't see any reason for you to keep coming around here".
My God but that hit me like a shovel. It was totally out of the blue as far as I was concerned. This fellow who I had thought of as a friend, had only thought of me as a means to an end for himself. And when he realized that I wasn't going to fulfill that for him, he just told me to go away. Looking back, I think the guy must have some kind of personality disorder of his own, but for my part, I never saw it at all. Anybody else ever been that clueless?

That clueless?

Nope.

Only a lot more.

i learn my sisters have gotten married where every other family member of mine attended their wedding, months after the event.
no one invites me to anything. they never tell me anything or include me.
i guess that is because i am a boulder.
i do not want to go to my families functions, but it would be OK if people remembered i exist and invited me.

in april my father is having his 90th birthday (he was 53 when i was adopted as a baby) .
i learned from him ringing me up that there is a big function planned. then i learned i am not included and can not go to his party.

dad: have you booked into a motel yet?
me: what motel? huh?
dad: for my birthday?!?!
me: what? am i seeing you on your birthday?
dad: of bloody course you are! didn't your sisters tell you?
me: no.
dad: well ring "vicky" (a sister) and she'll tell you about it

it turns out that they have a whole club booked out for the evening.
i rang my sister and she said she had already finalized the bookings and there was 120 people going and i could not go because there was no booking for me.
among those 120 people, are included friends of my sisters that my father never met.
it is not fair.
i rang him and told him i could not go and he was very sad, but i will see him the next day. he will not enjoy the glitz of his big party, but he will enjoy my simple company as we drive in the countryside the next day.

That is horrendous. Your sisters have cut contact with you, obviously, and like my siblings, they manage to cut you from your father too.

On the first day of seventh grade I walked into the school gym...And nobody stared! Nobody knew me! For once in my life I was somebody, just another kid in a mass of other kids. The grade nines helped me. The grade eights liked me. I even got to sit with an actual group of people! Real friends! Not just one, but six or seven of them! I was so happy, I was asserting myself! friends!

I was in all of one of my newly-found friend's classes. I was so happy to be hanging out with her because she seemed like a 'cool' girl. Then I here her talking...

"I just hate her so much! She's in all of my classes...Ugh!"

Of course, I knew who 'she' was. I was confused. What had I done? Did I say something to her? Meanwhile, since there was so much physical contact, social contact and crap like that, by the time it was home time I was in mid-meltdown. She pushed me out of the way constantly(Her locker was right next to mine.) I freaked out once and said 'I just want to go home!'

She yelled ' EVERYONE WANTS TO GO HOME! YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT THEN ANYONE ELSE!' And pushed me.

Meanwhile, another so called 'friend' noticed that because of my cerebral palsy I take longer in the dressing rooms for gym then other people. She formulated that the only REAL reason I had to take so long was that I was stuffing my bra.

The whole school believed her. And that first 'friend' I told you about joined the second...

It resulted in a complete and total purge of everything about me. People who were starting to become my 'group' now wanted nothing to do with me. People who did talk to me did so out of pity. The whole school was told that I was diseased, crazy, weird, ret*d, dumb. If I was to be in a room, people would say 'WOW! THERE'S ONLY THREE PEOPLE IN HERE!-eyes fall on me- Oh wait, I meant two...' Eventually, nobody looked at me. Their eyes slid right over me as if I was a wall, a chair, a desk. I started to have doubts about my own existence. Was I real, or was I a ghost? I wondered. Meanwhile it got worse. Some of the older students talked to me out of pity, but it was no-use. They thought I was like a five-year-old in a teenager's body. This was beyond bullying. The whole school rejected me. Eventually, I went a little nutty, because no-one can handle complete rejection
of all aspects of their humanity and stay sane.
Of course, I'm now best friends with the second friends ex.

That is all.

People can be so cruel. I hope that posting the stories above (and below) can help to get rid of the bad feelings.

I think we should be wary of blaming ourselves for being too naive, there are some common patterns of rejection that happen to NT's too. I occasionally lurk on a divorce support forum and there are hundreds of stories of absolutely appaling, cruel, selfish treatment of others there. And they would be 99% NT.

The worst rejections I've had all follow a similar pattern. Coincidence? Broadly, they're all about being rejected by women that I have supported emotionally and financially for a while. In every case, when rejecting me, they say "there's nobody else", instead coming up with some alternative explanation for the rejection. And in every case, and this includes my wife who I separated from last year, there *was* someone else.

What gets me is why they can't be honest enough and have the guts to say to my face that there is someone else they prefer to me. Protecting my feelings? Or milking me for all I'm worth until it is no longer viable? Of course the common connection in all this is me, so I don't deny I am playing some part in it. But so long as they're refusing point blank to tell me the truth about how they feel about me, how can I figure out what that part is?

I occasionally wonder what does it feel like to be the person doing the rejection? And what does it feel like to be the 'other person' that somebody is being rejected for?

I have to remind myself of this several times a day. I just want to puke when I remember all the ridiculous things I used to do out of naïveté.



I wonder what they see in the "other", because with all my experience of decades of meeting men, I know you are a rare gem, with emphasis both in rare and in gem.



That's what they want you to believe, that they just "told you a compassionate white lie". But in reality they're protecting themselves from your feelings while they're still around; namely, the possible adverse consequences for them of your feelings. From having to hear a little word of incrimination to being physically attacked, people usually think it's better to lie until they're far enough to be touched by any of it.

You've hit the nail squarely on the head there. I don't just mean in my sorry tales, but as the main motivation behind all these incidents of deceit.

And another aspect that's just occurred to me is that of guilt. They go behind our backs not to protect us, but to avoid feeling guilty about directly upsetting someone. However, what you say about avoiding 'adverse consequences' sounds far more likely.

As to rarity, it's really not that rare. I see both men and women passing up the true gems frequently in favour of some trashy gilittery shiny thing! As yet I have no answer...but I'm working on it.

Ugh.. I've had friends do this to me constantly for years. This is one of the main reasons I don't want friends anymore. Just a couple of years ago I finally dumped my friend of 6 years who was constantly doing the above - going out all kinds of places with other friends and not mentioning anything to me even when she had been at my house earlier in the day and told me that she was really tired and wanted to go home Once, she even had me drive her to a friends house and no one asked me to come inside. She got engaged to a guy that I had only met once because she never made the effort to try to get us to meet - kept telling me that there was no way because of the differences in work hours/schedules, but he got to hang out at her house and get to know her parents all the time (her house was about 2 miles from mine). Some bestfriend.

I don't think that's the worst, though. I think the worst is when my husband tells me that the worst part of his day is coming home to me

I hate when people just stop. You know, stop calling, stop writing, stop emailing, stop acting like human beings and turn into total idiots. I need more closure than you just walking away from me and being done with me. I need an explanation. How am I supposed to do better the next time if I don't know why this interaction was so horrible?

I had a very close friend who had been a teacher of mine at one point. We ate lunch when I was in town, talked on the phone, emailed, etc. One day, out of frustration, I wrote something in an email that I probably shouldn't have, but knowing the kind of person I am, this friend should just have taken it for the attempt to laugh in the face of frustration that it was, but instead, he called the police. This involved me having to go and talk to some idiot detective and my therapist and my husband. I was horribly embarrassed and felt tremendously betrayed. It was awful. I haven't spoken to him since. There was no way to reconcile the event for me. It was a horrible way to reject me. I still don't understand it at all.

Reject department topic

I seem to have become numb regarding social rejection.

I find the big problem is with jobs--being fired via the telephone, letters, and third parties. And employers who lie to me about why I am not to come to work, or do backhanded stuff on days off (they are training somebody and do not want me to know).

^ Oh yeah!! ! A job of mine did that to me too They told me that they were in some legal trouble and they were dissolving my department to demonstrate that they were abandoning their projects that were currently in dispute. After I went home and found their add online I realized that the man who had been hovering around looking purposeless all morning must have been my replacement.

verbally abused at home (my own and my parents')
verbally abused at work
verbally abused going to classes
verbally abused in the street
verbally abused via phone
verbally abused via internet

all in the space of a few months

"It's only after you've lost everything," Tyler says, "that you're free to do anything." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 8

now where is that napalm recipe?

one example:

when i was in high school, a boy came over to my place and kissed me. It was the most horrendous experience for me because of my sensory integration dysfunction. all that saliva and intimacy is just really hard. in theory it is feasible and in reality i struggle with it to this day (although when i used opiates it was possible because of sensory dulling.)

So, this boy comes to my place and i never had visitors and he kisses me.
I am the weird girl - and i do not fit in.
he sat on our couch and kissed and then he tried to grope me and i asked him to stop.

the next day i went to school and the girls ad some of theboys in my class kept telling me i was "frigid." the word echoed in my head and spiralled around me like a nightmare.

it went on for a long time and it was horrible.
the bullying of, and laughter at the oddball girl.

it is even hard to write about it now.

QFT

this whole thread has awakened feelings of bitterness and hatred in me, which is certainly an improvement over what i have been feeling most of my life (blaming myself for everything that happened to me in the past)...OTHER PEOPLE...have caused all my problems, it wasn't my fault at all..

interestingly, i've always had far more sympathy for people that take action and gun down their classmates than the actual classmates themselves, if society would stop breeding little sh**s then maybe they'd get those murder rates down...i think i should probably talk about this stuff in my next councilling session x

I know what you mean, because when the veil was pulled from over my eyes 6 years ago, I was flooded with all the anger and bitterness that I should've felt at those who treated me like s**t for 40 years. 40 years that I blamed myself for each cruelty from people.