Not 'moving with the group'

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I like to think of group movement as al most like a stim. They can't just sit in one place. I notice they all do it without thinking about it, they are too focused on what they are doing.

millie, I think you are already 10 steps ahead of me because I don't even notice anything beyond surface interaction. I may (or may not lol) hear their converstation but I don't notice the body language or subtle movements or any of that!

I've definitely had this happen to me. Whenever I've been at a party, or with a group of co-workers at a bar (not a common occurrence for me - usually like a going away party.) I will think I'm looking where everyone else is looking - to the center of the circle. And then I'm not - because they have turned subtly & the center of the circle is somewhere else. Since I'm usually standing at the very edge of the circle anyway, when they turn - I'm suddenly outside.

My psychologist used that example during my evaluation - "Do you ever have trouble keeping up with the focus of the group?" (or something to that effect.) [i.e. looking where everyone else is looking.]

I think maybe this happens to me because I mis-read what is supposed to be the focus - I'll be focusing on something just outside the center of the circle. So we start out looking in the same general direction, but for different reasons. They follow the "real" focus & end up cutting me out - because I'm still on my original focus.

There's a group focus? Can you give an example of something that might become a focus? I seem to be totally clueless about this stuff

Oh i know Mith and my heart goes out to you. You sound just as i was at 23 in this regard and i remember how gutted and lost and frightened i felt.

I'm 46 now, with 11 years of social skills training under my belt and i still struggle..but i am better than at 23. So much better. I still avoid groups like the plague, but on good days when my sensory integration dysfunction is not too bad, i can follow a bit.

you will improve over time IF you practice. BUt that depends on if you want to improve.

take heart and be gentle on yourself.
and bring back the old avatar!

^ Thank you for the support Not sure how much I actually care to improve.. It is very nice to hear that other people have experienced this, though. I guess I just want to feel understood.

and zeichner is absolutely spot on.
because we do not filter out peripheral information - because everything comes into our brains - all that detail and all that information that others filter out - we are often busy looking at (in my case) the fair-isle pattern on the jumper that is just to the left of me. i'll get pulled into the intricacies of fair-isle any day, compared to a conversation!! (hehe)

these extraneous details are not what catches the eye of others.
they wil be focusing on who is talking and what is being said.
and mith - do you have the possibility of getting some help with this stuff?
in Australia i can access help really easily, but in america i believe it is different and more difficult?


i am glad you can find some identification here with this issue. it is really hard at your age - really really really hard. good luck

I have the same problem. I usually end up outside the circle if the group is standing. It's not so much that I don't see the group move, I just don't know how to move right with them and stay in the circle. It's so common that someone will literally move and stand in front of me with their back turned to me, leaving no way space for me to get back into the circle. Once I finally get back into the circle, someone moves like that again and "blocks" me.

I have no idea. I wouldn't know where to start. Unless I have to start with a diagnosis. In which case I think I'll pass. It's not worth the money to me. *shrug* If there's some sort of class I can just show up and learn and not have to interact with anyone.. I wouldn't mind that
But eh.. I don't anticipate being in any groups any time in the future.

i'm formally dx'ed by a specialist in AS and i think it is worth getting a dx. it has been for me.
There must be places near where you live that could help?

I know the system pretty well in australia - where to go and what to do and how to go about getting what i need. but i would not have a clue re the STates.

there has to be social skills training somewhere. But my suspicion is you would need to see an AS specialist as ordinary social skills programs have all the assumed knowledge re social exhcange that we do not have. YO would probably be way behind within the first minute. THe other argument is that throwing yourself in at the deep end can sure teach a person how to swim (or drown.) The latter would be a shame, however.

I have actually been left behind in this way before and this could have potentially put me in danger on field-trips. It's embarrassing too. How am I supposed to know when everyone's meant to move?

Nobody ever says.



Never knew that there were any bar the obvious ones.
My family have never used them. Or subtle facial cues or direct eye contact either. Weird. We frequently talk over each other in my family because none of us can judge when it's our turn to speak.

Whenever we go out, it takes forever because it's like trying to get four separate individuals who just happen to be genetically related to all do things in synchrony. We just don't. I'd be waiting in the car for hours when other people would be dotted about the house all doing their own things.

It's hard to get us to move as one coherent unit. One of us always wants to wander off and do his/her own thing. That's why we have to issue each other clear instructions because we don't chat closely. We're not as fast paced with the talk as others seem to be either. Even so, there are frequently misunderstandings: we just have to laugh these off.

That's why with fast paced groups I often get left behind...

i've learned all this through reading on AS. months and months and months of obsessive reading.


i think you are spot-on amber-eyes - in that we do not even KNOW the unspoken cues. we do not even know how to notice them unless we cognitively train ourselves or get trained up in them.

it's a big gap for some. it has been for me. BUt it is a lot better these days than 11 years ago or 20 or 30 when it was living hell. ANd i get really concerned when younger people here post how it is, because i know and remember the pain of it.

good luck. lots and lots of good luck to you.

Don't worry about me, millie! I'm not in any pain. I used to feel some hurt from being ignored and left out and ect but I don't anymore.

this happens to me too. i'll be walking with 3-5 other people and all of a sudden i see their backs.

I am intrigued by all this. The first thing I thought of while reading this thread was my husband's step-family... that is, the family of the chick his dad married. Since then, her family has frequently been treated as if they were the whole family rather than an added part of it. They still act that way. You get the impression of a large group generously making room for a few individuals, rather than the large extended family on the husband's side. This clannish mentality extends to theme park visits. I once went with them to a local one and, at lunch, I kept asking over and over where we were going next. If I got an answer, it was that they hadn't decided. Then they just got up and started walking! Their dynamic, according to my husband later (he wasn't there at the time) was that the pushy oldest adult daughter (my husband's step-mom) decided where to go and the rest just went along and didn't make waves. What a load. No one should act like that. So that's really an extreme case, I think.

Then I got to thinking about the group "dates" we'd have as teenagers. There were a variety of teens that we had all grown up with, and my sister would call everyone and get them all together and we'd play games, watch movies, etc, on weekends. This was a pretty good set-up since no one would come if I called, and no one invited me anywhere. But it had many flaws. The stand-out was my inability to read verbal cues. Yes, even verbal. What we had was a crowd of teenagers who all seemed to be talking at once, so when I heard something I wanted to respond to, I'd just toss it out there. I thought everyone was doing that. Finally one evening, one idiot boy (James) made a chuckling comment about how I sat off to one side and talked to myself. I was mortified. I thought I was sitting in the circle and joining in, and here they were now, chuckling at me because I talked to myself? I've never been able to look back and find it funny. I recently went on a trip to go to a nephew's wedding and my sister said that James was living nearby and she was going to try and visit him the next day and asked me if I wanted to join her. I asked her why on earth I'd want to do that. I suppose the fact that we knew him since we were all tiny, possibly even babies, meant something to her. I say familiarity breeds contempt.

But here's what intrigues me. The talk of the way these NTs flock instinctively like so many primitive reptiles. I had been looking with very real jealously at other parents whose kids, of all things, FOLLOW them when they walk somewhere. I see them in stores, at school, at parks. Loads of 'em. And I wondered, why don't my kids do that? Is it me? Now I begin to wonder if it's me, alright... genetically. I mean, I have stopped taking the three of them ANYWHERE together without backup because it's like trying to herd cats! Or imagine trying to roll three marbles in the same direction with a pencil, and you can only see one at a time. And they scream and pick up things that aren't theirs... analogy lost. Anyway, I do believe it begins to make sense.

ok. good.
you have virtual friends here.