how would you want your parents to act?

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I am kind of understanding some of why he does things he does! A lot of things sound like him. I never thought it could be part of AS. Please keep tell me anymore things if you think about more. I want to show this thread to my DH so maybe he might understand our son better.

I try to let him use his talents. He loves to draw. I spend LOTS of money on paper, colors, paint and whatever else we think might help him. He also has a interest in reptiles. We take him to place to see these kind of reptiles! One day I am taking him down to south Louisiana to see alligators in the wild! I try to let him use his talent and praise him for them and not say bad things!!

I wish my parents were a little more understanding. Realize that just cause they went through ti doesn mean they understand. Bullying much worse than they dealt with. Let me stim and dont tell me to stop.

When I wrote this post the first time through, I made a long list of things my mother did which bothered me. But then I thought to myself, you arent my mother. To put it simply, I can give you tips and hints till I run out of space to type, but that wont address every possible situation you will face with your son. So I decided to keep it simple and just give you some overall themes.

1. Above all else, treat your son with love. Notice that I didnt say have warm mushy feelings directed at your child. That may be nice and make you feel good, but my mother 'loved' me while making my life miserable and making me near suicidal. When I say treat your child with love I am referring to the action of love. As in: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." Teach your child that love is above all else in terms of importance. It doesnt matter if he wins the Nobel prize in physics, or cant manage to hold down a job. The measure of a man isnt in how well he fulfills society's expectations, but in how he loves. And I can assure you, there is no better way for your son to learn love then to observe it in you. Some people learn the important of love the hard way, by seeing what happens when you live without it. But I can assure you that the world will provide enough of an example on what not to do. You need to show him what to do through your own actions.

2. Don't assume your child can read your mind. If you want him to do something, or understand something, you must explain it. I cannot tell you how many times I have been criticized for doing something that I should have known not to do when nobody told me not to do it. Likewise people expect me to know things without it being explained. I swear normal people must have some sort of ESP going on that I am missing.

3. Work WITH your child, not against him. The objective of discipline is to explain to your son the differences between the correct and incorrect actions. Forgive him of mistakes and work with him to prevent major problems in the future. Discipline should be used to teach, it is not an excuse to take your frustrations out on the child who is more frustrated then you.

4. Don't try to fix what isnt broken. I pace back and forth and talk to myself all the time. I still meander around my apartment and bounce off the walls. I still dont walk smoothly, and I still fiddle with stuff in my hand while I am thinking. My handwriting is rather illegible, and my speech isnt smooth and fluid. But I still managed to get a good job and live independently supporting myself. Keep in mind that how 'autistic' your child acts has no affect on how well they can function and take care of themselves. If he doesnt want to go to parties then dont force him in the name of 'socialization'. If he doesnt very many friends, then nagging him wont help. Don't get after your child for acting in a way that comes natural to him. Scolding him and trying to get him to act 'normal' will only increase his stress and make things worse.

5. Teach your child about the importance of considering everybody as an unique individual. Your son is unique, different from everybody else. People do not think the way your child does, they do not understand or know what your child knows. Likewise your child does not understand things they way they do. He does not know the way they view the world. Everybody is a unique individual and should be treated as such. Just because they dont know what your son knows doesnt make them bad or stupid. Likewise, just because they know something your son doesnt know doesnt make them smarter then your son. It just makes them different. People should work together with mutual respect in order to share what they know and cooperate for the common good of humanity. People have different skills, ability, and knowledge, but none of them is better then any other. Autistic, normal, high IQ, low IQ, athletic, clumsy, whatever. People should not be valued based upon what skills they have, they should be valued and respected in love simply for being human.

You have already come here to ask for help and advice, which shows me that your already a better parent then my mother was. I implore you, see your child as a human being, worthy of respect and loving help. Don't view your child as a problems or a condition that needs to be treated. Instead let him be himself while teaching him as much as you can about how to survive and thrive in this world.

Warning: this is going be a long post. It's pretty much a rant about how my parents treated me. But I hope it'll be an example of how NOT to treat your child.

This is very true, and definitely hits home for me. My parents were very strict and, for the lack of a better term, merciless in the way they raised me. So pretty much since age 3, I realized that they were a source of pain, both emotional and physical (from the spankings). I honestly believed that they enjoyed punishing me, and in desperation to give something they enjoy, I occasionally misbehaved on purpose. How did I get the idea? Well, if they didn't enjoy punishing me, they wouldn't spank me every chance they got, and they wouldn't yell at me for 30 minutes whenever I got scared by the sound of the phone ringing. There was a situations where my parents set me up on purpose, just to give themselves a chance to punish me. Read below.

Situation 1: I needed glue for my drawing, and my parents wouldn't give it to me because I spilled it last time.
Parents: We are not going to give you any glue, so stop asking!
Aspie1: But how will I glue on the snowman's hat (something on my drawing).
Parents: Use your boogers. (sarcastic, but I didn't know it at the time)
Aspie1: <follows parents' directions>
Parents: <SPANK> Are you trying to mess with us? You will regret it!
->Winner: Parents

Situation 2: I had a meltdown about a food I didn't like, and my parents were going cancel a movie trip to teach me a lesson
Parents: <yelling and yelling about how I misbehaved and how bad I am>
Aspie1: <apologizing profusely>
Parents: Are you apologizing because you want to be a better person, or only because you want to go the movies?
Aspie1: To be a better person. (This was a lie. If I told them the truth, I wouldn't get to go to the movies. Luckily, I already sort of knew how to "outsmart" my parents.)
Parents: <pretty much give in, and tell me to be dressed in two hours>
->Winner: Aspie1

Situation 3: My parents and me went for a walk; I wanted to stop at 7-11 because I was thirsty, but my parents flat-out refused.
Aspie1: Can we get a Slurpee at 7-11? I'm hot and thirsty.
Parents: No, we are not stopping anywhere.
Aspie1: But I'm thirsty.
Parents: Don't you dare start whining!
Aspie1: I'm not whining; I'm just thirsty. There is no harm in stopping.
Parents: <yell at me for the rest of the walk, which was almost an hour>
->Winner: Parents

This actually reminds me of one day in social studies. The teacher was showing a documentary about foster homes. After the film, the teacher led a discussion about it. While people in class talked about how sad being in a foster home must be, I just couldn't bring myself to join the discussion. It just didn't make sense to me. The foster parents in the documentary didn't seem bad at all. In the end, my grade was lowered to a B for not participating, but I didn't care.

I'd like to add one other thing: don't obsess about your child's grades. My parents were very focused on my grades in school, to the point of OCD. Whenever I got anything lower than a B, even on a simple homework assignment, they'd yell at me for at least an hour, then give me an over-the-top punishment. One time, when I got a C on the report card, I had to run to the bathroom, and was throwing up for 15 minutes. When I showed it to my parents (I needed their signature), they said the most insulting things, then took away my TV for a month. I was on the verge of suicide as a result, and even starting looking up funeral homes in a phone book. So what's your course of action? Don't look at your child's grades, don't ask your child about grades, and don't talk about grades in general. In situations where your signature is needed, actually hold a blank sheet of paper over everything except the signature line. As for talking to your child's teacher, talk just enough to make him/her think you know the grades.

"But why didn't you tell any relatives?" They always took my parents side, and on top of that, told my parents everything that I shared with them. So it would do me more harm than good.
"But why didn't you tell the authorities?" I was young and naive, and thought my parents' way of raising me was the normal way.

A word about loving your kids. For me personally, I'd much prefer if my parents didn't give a sh** about me when I was growing up. But to make it less harsh, let me put it this way. You always know you love your kids. On a regular basis, ask yourself: "do they know it too?"