A concern after being diagnosed

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Yeah, I know.

- Ain't it Grand?

I'm so sorry you're a self-righteous know-it-all...



'diagnosis' singular, not 'diagnoses' (Spell-Check)

'Zealots' not 'Zelets' (Spell-Check) [members of a radical, warlike, ardently patriotic group of Jews in Judea, particularly prominent from a.d. 69 to 81, advocating the violent overthrow of Roman rule and vigorously resisting the efforts of the Romans and their supporters to heathenize the Jews.]



'mimicked', not 'mimmicked' (Spell-Check) and how does one mimic one's own persona?

'fulfilling', not 'fullfilling' (Spell-Check) C'mon, right-click - it's RIGHT THERE, people! Can't you SEE the red underline?

"ME personality", "I personality" - "developing your true personality"- "who you really are inside"...Thank you, Stewart Smalley - and doggone it, people like you!

I thought we were talking about real life here, not quoting from cheap pop-psychology self-help books. Everybody sing along and follow the bouncing ball...

You need advisin' baby, oh so bad
You're not the only case I've ever had
And if I say you should act like the rest
Don't you know its cause I know what's best
They call me - (Doctor Phil!)

After my diagnosis for AS I have found that I am more aware of my differences, and that I understand them now. My family understands my differences now. So this has been a good thing. I understand why I have sensory issues. I understand why I have intense narrow interests. I understand why I have social issues, etc. Now---I feel relaxed about myself---I understand my differences better. So for me, leaving that office in Cincinnati with a diagnosis of AS, I felt relieved.

O'h baby I did not realise how all knowing you are and sensative your feelings are at the moment. I shall not express thought and experiences that offend your pristine nature. Your attempts at sarcasim are fairly inane, but I'm sure you will master it one day.

Spelling checks are a waste of time when there are 'Sweeties' like like you around to assist us less fortunated. I big Mwahhhhhhh for your efforts and narcistic attitude.

BTW strange how if a person wishes to express a different point of view and experience contrary to the 'Zealots' they come out all guns blazing with their 'six shooters'. lmao Since we are being personal, whats with the Avi 'Babe' bad hair day, so gross!! !! !! !

Ah. .ahem. If either of you step out of line, I will be sure to let you know.


Merle
Moderator

This quote lodged in my head a couple days ago. This morning I was talking with a NT friend that I have rekindled the friendship with. In fact, she played a key role in my AS realization (she is an ex-girlfriend who understood me very well, but ultimately left me 18 years ago and is now 10+ years happily married with kids)... I was explaining how my recent AS discovery and talking with her about my past has dramatically changed my world. It is taking me weeks to mentally process it.

I told her:
To me it feels like discovery of a silent thief (AS) that would steal friends or drug my drink when I was in social situations. Sort of like going to the bathroom at a party to come back and find the friends gone, stolen.

And my bad behavior that I thought everyone else had to work on so hard on... in many cases looks more like a chemical brain reaction of some kind... and I'm coming to the realization that for me sometimes it builds up in ways that the reaction is delayed a day or three. Sort of what I would describe as female with strong PMS.... but I never realized social anxiety / intense social situations was the cause.

Now I have come to discover at this later age that it is AS who was this thief that I could never see. I am learning more each day and associating with the shared experiences of other AS people. My brain takes some time to process it all (hours or days).

To me, this recent AS discovery feels like visiting a previously unknown museum of my own life - to see all the stolen friends, failed social situations, meltdown scenes, isolation scenes.... all on display to me - with extraordinary new meaning.. It's a pretty intense experience, not one I can really shut out or walk away from.


I could probably word and write this better, but I'm actually pretty worn out with talking about it. but I wanted to get this here before I forgot the ideas.

My problem is I'm more aware that some things I do look autistic at least even if it turns out I am not, and I'm trying to now hide them. For example, I apparently always had stim-like tenancies, but for some reason these increased after taking medications. Seriously, I find myself pacing and swaying and stuff in public, and my gestures for some reason got messed up by the medication and it looks like I'm hand flapping while talking, and I can't seem to stop, even though I find when I rock while sitting down I can control that one.

Thank you and I am glad you did. If I can take off my moderator cap here and just relate to the topic. (thanks! you can't believe how tight that hat gets now and then)

When I was a little kid, I realized that people were not happy with my general behaviour and deportment. I also knew the people around me and, being an affectionate soul, loved them mindlessly as mom and dad and brother and uncle. I remember being thirty and working in a community garden shoveling in the soil mixture to enrich the vegetable beds. . .and chattering with my work mates about life and growing up and I mentioned "like, you know, when your dad took his belt to you, or your mom smacked you across the face when she was yelling at you. . ." only to turn and see them all stopped work and staring at me. "Oh, come on!" says I, totally clueless "you know, when you run away and hide in the attic!" Well. I was astounded they could not relate to my life as much as they were astounded I had been raised that way, and my first clue that perhaps I did not have a normal childhood.

When that momentous ( to me) time that I confronted my alcoholism (talk about dense, again, I had no idea, but I hear this is just as difficult for NTs to understand) and got sober, I 'shared' a lot about my past and was told these people I thought loved me actually treated me pretty shabbily. I realized that psychology had names for the situations I had been placed in, and law enforcement and jurisprudence had names for the acts purportrated upon my person, and none of it was pretty. So I learned the only love going on when I grew up was that which was emanating from me.

I felt somehow robbed of the love I gave by knowing they were not my friends, and they didn't wish me well. I got really lonely then. They told me "now you can live your life in truth!" and all I wanted was to believe a little lie so I could comfort myself when I woke up in the deep night and no one was there. (I have since got myself a radio and listen to the BBC world overnight service)

So I had my vision of how my childhood was, and then looking at it as if I had a new pair of glasses of sobriety, and now, now those glasses have yet a different prescription of knowing I am AS as well.

But having true vision has it's price. That's what I wanted to say.

Merle

Last edited by sinsboldly on 17 Apr 2009, 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wow.... Thanks for sharing that. You are a very strong person. It is great that you have managed to stay so possitive. I wish I had some of your courage.....

I self-diagnosed my self about 2 years ago, after extensive research and the like. and afterwords was finding it harder to not do the "random stuff I wanted to do" as beforehand I had thought that everybody had had those urges, and I was just not very good at not giving in to them, whereas now I realize why everybody thought I was "weird" and I am being more observant about myself (if that makes any sense whatsoever) and not doing so much of the random stuff I did.

Meh, regardless of what kind of diagnosis i get in a month or two, i am still gonna be me with all the quirks and behaviours i have.

I am still going to be that overly analytical IT-guy that checks everything out to make sure everything actually is what it appears to be (and not just assume things) - and tell idiots that they are idiots, even if their feelings are hurt.

Why change behaviour because you are being assigned a certain label?

lol... I read your post and saw your age and was like "right... I'm sure he accurately diagnosed himself at age 12... lol". But then I thought about it for a minute and was like... "What NT would try to diagnose themself at age 12? lol"

To the OP. My advice is simple. Be yourself while simultaneously avoiding conflict. Seems to work well for me. When I'm actually following it. The avoiding conflict part is essential. It's also important to be yourself, don't get me wrong. But you have to try to think... "if I do this, will it create conflict?" If the answer is yes, then simply don't do it(unless you want conflict), even if by not doing it, you're not being yourself. Kinda have to find that balance. Beyond that, I don't think much really matters as far as hiding/showing AS traits.
Also keep in mind... avoiding conflict isn't just about the things you don't do, but also the things you do do. For example, treating EVERYONE with kindness untill they give you valid reason not to is a good start. If someone gives you reason not to be kind, then rather then turning aggressive, just ignore them. I know it all sounds like really basic stuff, and I'm not trying to imply that you act other then this way... I dunno what I'm getting at anymore... goodnight

This is beautifully put...exactly what I have been going through, recently realised/getting diagnosed at 59...it is in some ways but cathartic but also damn painful. I tried so hard, did my best, but couldn't make it work. Now I have to piece together something that will work, for me, as I am.
I am still uniquely 'me', who I am, but there is a 'what I am' that makes some sense of the confusing list of differences, eccentricities and misunderstandings that has been my life. I feel at last as if someone has given me the picture that goes with the box of jigsaw pieces - now I just have to fit it together.

And yes, I too am 'acting' more autistic, it worried me a little at first, but I am just running with it...I think it will settle down. I live alone, work for myself, so it's not really a problem for me though. No-one to annoy!

Glad to hear it's not just me though. Hang on in there, and just be you..

I noticed this about myself after my late in life DX, but I don't think I am 'acting' any more or less autistic as that I am just finally seeing my normal actions in a new light. I am aware of my autism more and more, not that I am changing into it.

Merle