People who have IT

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I want to see your evidence.

When reality-tested correctly, do your life-experiences back up your claim? Or is something else enforcing your claim?

Like any human, your mind contains a set of "Core Beliefs", attitudes and axioms you have unconsciously created while growing up, and treat as fact despite them being no more concrete than opinion.

If I opened up your Core Beliefs, would I find something saying "No woman will ever love me" ?



... Also I know that core beliefs can be changed, and positive core beliefs will make you happier, have more success in life, and draw people to you - including women.

Brusilov. I've read both of your posts and I admire you... You deserve to be admired.

Thanks for the positive feedback!! !

I know I mentioned the whole matching/color-coordinated outfits thing. That was always kind of a big deal with me and I could never put together ensembles that went together, much to the dismay of my domineering perfectionist mother. I guess that is kind of feeding an AS stereotype. I remember reading on wikipedia's Asperger article(and this part was edited out two years ago,) that AS individuals struggle with hygiene and putting together appropriate outfits and maintaining personal appearence, which I think is a stereotype but is mostly true. The article also said, however, that once an AS kid gets a certain age, he will probably become awaret that he has a problem with his slovenly appearence or personal hygiene and he will shower vigorously to eliminate the problem. That was what happened with me. When I was about 14, I realized that I stank and I would shower like three times a day just to exterminate any odor. That was obsessive, but my AS developed yet another paraonia!! !

As far as writing an auto-biography, I was mabye thinking of posting something smaller. Perhaps I would do one article every so often that covered one year of my life, such as 1985,1986,1987, and so on. The problem is that I don't think I have been around long enough to create anything profound enough. If I hadn't been DXed until I was about 40, than mabye I would have much more material to write about. Now that I have been diagnosed and I pretty much stay recoiled in my sanctuary, those engramatic life experiences seem to come few and far between. I will keep you posted when my classes start.

I'm glad that Jol brought up the dating thing. I know I probably make the whole dating thing 10 times harder on myself than I need to. Like I do with everything, I overthink and overplan. Today, for instance, I was on the treadmill at the gym next to a hot girl, and I ran for twenty minutes but I was too nervous to even say "hi". Alas, another opportunity gone, another year of solitude. Its like I just can't talk to girls. I suppose it is time to get my photo up on the Aspie Oddball singles page; God knows I definitely qualify. Yes, ladies, I am single and available!! ! Don't adjust your computer.

I've been pretty good about trying to focus on my strengths and not dwell on my weaknesses. I am over trying to assimilate into society. I accept the fact that I am an anachronism and will always remain on the periphery. Really, the fringe is where I want to be. I like being alone and I have never had any desire to have friends. When I was a little boy, I never had more than one or two friends at a time and that was just the way I liked it. I like being alone so much better. I put most of my mental focus into two things(besides posting online.) I spend about four hours a day practicing piano, and I spend about two hours a day working out. I really don't care to squeeze in anything extra, even though my parents are always trying to reacclimate me to society and push me out into social situations. However, my current status quo suits me just fine.

Yeah, that's how I am. It's not that I'm shy or afraid, it's that I can't think of anything relevant or interesting to say. In that kind of situation, with the hot girl on the treadmill next to you (or me), the only information I want is her number and whether or not she'd be interested in going out for coffee or something. But, you can't just see a complete stranger at such a random event and say, "Hi, will you go out with me?" You need to make a bunch of ret*d small talk to get to that point. That's what I can't get over. If a cute single girl would show up at our board game group, there would be context to talk about, or if I ran into a single woman while fishing on a river, but that just doesn't happen.

Well, i do not know what it is like to be a 24 YO virgin and cry yourself to bed every night, but i know what it is like to be a 23 YO virgin and cry yourself to bed every night. I guess i got extremly lucky and found a girl that liked me. I havent had much success with dating since that.

I wish you could take these words to you: The whole dating-game is overrated, its a PITA and having a girl isnt THAT great. If we take away sex and the whole touching thing, the general happyness level of being with a girl is like winning a RPG game that you have been playing for over a month.

I know it is hard to see it that way, because ALL i wanted to do when i was around your age was to have a girlfriend and have sex and be able to experience love.

When i first contacted her i handed her a note that i liked her, it was a clear message that i liked her and would love to go out and have a bit of food with her some day. She didnt throw it away, we talked and eventually we went out. I do not know if this helps or not, but when i did that it felt like entering a new world.

I still have problems taking contact with girls now at 35 with this whole dating-game social-cryptography-protocol thing, but it feels easier to talk to girls.

I do not know if you have tried it, but to be able to talk to someone you must first have the necessary skill to be able to talk to them and you can only get that through practice, practice and practice. Sure, some girls may be freaked out at first about the things you say, but eventually you learn what not to say and what works.

If and when you start dating, make a list of what you want in a girl, and make that list practical. Make that list in 3 parts:

And when you decide if a girl you talk to on the net or anywhere else is "dating material", only focus on point 1 and 2. You may have to learn to accept some quirks and freaky things since it is hard to find "that special someone" so only write REALLY true things in that list. The reason for this list is simple, it cuts down on all the weirdos and boring normal people out there.

On the other hand, just going out with any random girl for a nice evening with food and a movie, just to learn the dating-game does not require any special qualities in a girl, as long as you can stand being in the same room with her.

As for finding girls for this "learning to date" thing, use datingsites to find and talk to girls, and they do not have to be perfect. When you write to girls spend maximum a week chatting to her (unless you think she is awesome, then time is no factor) or you will probably never go out. If she havent been freaked out by you writing to her, ask if she want to go out to a movie or eat on a restourant or something like that.

The conversation doesnt have to be something complex, just talk to her and try to focus on asking HER questions (what does she like, what do she want to do in life etc) and not yourself and let HER feel special. Talking about your special intrests should be cut down to 1-2 minutes, Computers and astronomy may be very insanely intresting to us, but not to most other people... Unless they ask you to tell everything about the stellar nursery in the M42 nebula or what exactly distinguish an XMAS scan from a normal portscan when using NMAP.

As for the rest of the dating related activities and one night stands in particular, i am still trying to work that out...

OK, that is the story of my life!! !! !

The best time to get an honest/decent person is when they, and you, are younger. Otherwise, they will change, or just not care if you are interested. Frankly, I have gotten too cynical to believe people that claim to have changed in the way you imply.

i was just living in my hopes...

I reckon I don't have "IT:"

And I'll gratefully have a celebratory drink to that!! !!


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Between 18 and 21 I had a few flings for lack of a better word. I also had one rather lengthy relationship that lasted a year and a half. Then I married my wife. We've been together for 16 years.

None of this makes me an expert, but here's what I found:

Women who are not ready to get married prioritize things this way: Appearance, Personality, Resources.

Then later when they want to get married, it flips around: Resources, Personality, Appearance.

AS symptoms would fall into the personality category.

When I was in high school, I had what I think is an unrealistic expectation about dating. I targeted what I thought a "good" catch would be. This frequently was the most popular or attractive girl. This set me up to compete with the NT guys who were on the football team or whatever. But the reality is that apart from appearance, there really was no redeeming quality to most of these girls. They were really nasty people with screwed up priorities (see above). So really, I was barking up the wrong tree, getting rejected, then feeling a terrible sense of rejection.

Later, I thought back over the years in high school and realized that there were a couple girls who I could have dated. They didn't have a perfect appearance. But what was I really after? A trophy? Wouldn't I rather go on a date with someone who might be smart enough to keep up with me? Who might have at least a fighting chance at being able to maintain an interesting conversation? I realized that all those years ago, my priorities were screwed up also.

I got spectacularly lucky. While dating one of my train-wreck girlfriends, I met her friend. Her friend and I turned out to be very close friends. Two years later, that's who I married. She's nothing like the cheerleaders in high school, which is a good thing. She was able to see through the wall of isolation I had created and slowly pull me out.

If you want to date and get married, I'd recommend that you force yourself into social situations that relate to something that you might like. Attend a college class or some other social situation. While you're there, you must make an attempt to talk to people each time you go, no matter how badly it goes. I'd also recommend attending a church and trying to meet someone there. The girls there tend to be a little less vicious.

brian

@ Brusilov - whooah, take out the army part and set it in northern england: pretty much my life! its taken me years to learn some of the more important things but, pressing on all the same


you have a cool writing style man, the concerns of your post aside keep working on it, try some of the essays george orwell wrote about the english language and good writing practice. can't remember what exactly they're called but you can get hold of books of them and probably find them on the net. you may just find yourself a little niche....

Its too bad "Orwellian" has become such a cliche these days. Most people are familiar with only 1984 and Animal Farm but I am acquainted with most of his works. I have felt for a long time that Orwell probably had AS. "Such, Such were the Joys," is one of the essays that you were probably thinking of.

"A Confederacy of Dunces," by John Kennedy Toole is an awesome classic novel about a 30 year old man with undiagnosed AS. It was written in the 60's and of course makes no mention of AS but it is a must read.

tell me about it. In part its all the hacks and half wit journo's think they know orwell just because they've read 1984, (which i would argue wasn't about what might be but what was )

I heard their was some speculation about whether he had AS...
That said I mean more for developing writing style, Orwell wrote an essay (fairly long essay too) about how to make a cup of tea which is worth a read for how well its written, my point being you can write about pretty much anything so long as you show a good grasp of technique and demonstrate a certain flair

How come everyone here knows what IT means and I don't?

IT:

1. One of the words that the knights of NI cannot hear.

2. A book by Stephen King, also a movie based on the same book.

3. A state where you appear to be socially comfortable with yourself, others and the situation. You are also able to chat away with anyone and more importantly, are able to get girls easy.

Now you know

Thanks, ichinon! Now I'm "IN".