Do you punish yourself?

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Punish myself? - No.

Instead, I tend to immerse myself in my special interest until I feel better. By that time, I will have had a chance to think about the situation & start to form a plan for changing my life. At times, these "life changes" have included systematically improving my personal performance where I previously failed - & at other times, they have involved leaving the "old" behind and starting something new (a new project, a new career, etc.)

One reason I have this attitude, is a book I read when I was in college - "The Inner Game of Tennis" by Timothy Gallwey. (It was hugely popular in the mid-late '70s) It was required reading for my music education advanced conducting course.

Basically the book explores the way we cause ourselves to fail (or fail to rise to our potential) by the way we punish ourselves in our head. It describes specific techniques for "getting out of your head."

By now, the author has a very large "Inner Game" empire - with books specifically directed at music, work, stress, etc.

I used to punish myself with much self-doubt and depression. I rarely do that now. When I make a mistake in a social situation, there's a certain level of discomfort, and this will tempt me to hit myself for distraction or say certain phrases to myself repetitively.

My reactions differ quite a bit, depending on the situation. If I realize, in retrospect, that I said/did something rude or "off" to a complete stranger, I may take note of the mistake, but then figure, I´ll probably never see this person again, so I don´t bother about it too much (does that sound awful?) If I make a faux pas in some kind of important situation, like anything job-related (or an interview), I´ll stress about it and be very worried, often wishing I could take it back and redo it. If I offend a man in some kind of "romantic" situation, generally, I´ll be pretty clueless about it because I´ll have NO idea what I actually did wrong: so rather than punish myself, I´ll analyze, over and over again, what might have been the problem, guessing...possibly even blaming him for just being weird....

I´ve learned too that punishing myself doesn´t really work, because I´m often an incorrect judge of these things. I got a new job last year after thinking I TOTALLY blew the interview, and not expecting to ever hear from them again....and, in times when I´ve sometimes truly offended someone and did the most damage, so to speak, I was often totally oblivious to it!

I analyze obsessively each word I said, like millie. What a horrendous way to live. And as Morgana says, we're the worst judges of these things, so it's useless.

I was finally laid off today, after giving all my life to this job for 2 years and being watchful every single instant. I failed miserably anyway. I don't know what to do now, how to go on. Obviously, I'll continue being fired from each job forever. So do I laugh about it? Or do I sit home and mull over it for months trying to see what I'm blind to, the reasons why I'm always fired? I've done this for years, and all my insights resulted in more firings anyway. Do I give up and go live on the streets? Do I continue starting new jobs, knowing I'll be fired soon? Do I give myself a couple months to waste myself and think of nothing, then start looking for a new job? Do I start looking for a new job right away, force myself to be useful, productive and forget my horrible feeling?

When I make a social mistake, my first reaction is usually to call myself a bunch of disparaging words, which is generally followed by a second reaction of pacing back and forth. In the old days I would mix a few choice whacks to the side of the head with the pacing. And my third reaction to a social faux pas is basically just a repeat of the first and second reaction until I grow tired of acting like my own worst enemy.

When I mess up, I just figure it's a normal day. Not like it's a new experience.

I don't spend much time worrying about what I said, since I'm certain that if somebody else said exactly the same thing, it would be received much differently.

I've noticed that some jobs put a lot more emphasis on political skills than others. I've also noticed that this doesn't always appear where you'd initially expect it, and that different workplaces have different cultures and that some are aren't nearly as bad as others.

I've had a few employers who didn't mind my eccentricities and appreciated the way I did my job.

Not often and not usually, but it has happened.

off topic:

I used to actually physically beat myself up and design penalties for my misdeeds. That stopped about 14 years ago.

I think sometimes I can put myself through hell for smoking or indulging in too much snack food. I've been better about that lately, because I saw a film that showed how negative thinking towards yourself can actually damage your cells.

Yes, I punish myself because I destroyed the economy, the world, and my family. I live with overwhelming guilt everyday. I self injure as punishment. I wish I don't have such an influence in world events. There was a recent episode of Fringe that based their story on my thoughts, well all that I remembered of it anyways....I missed half the episode due to dissociating from the severe stress of them reading my mind. Yay for me. A walking DSM IV. It hit too close to home for me, the episode was about dreams controlling people's actions....that's exactly me! I mean how did they know????

yes..hitting my self against wall

millie, thank you for your support. All my post-analysis and brilliant insights never changed anything for the better in my life. I suppose I'm weirder to people than all my insight will ever teach me to avoid being.