Being Lectured to About Your Behavior By A Family Member

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I grew up being lectured, and then got lectured by others all the time. It was awful, and I didn't know what to do to avoid having to sit there for long periods listening to all that was wrong about me from whoever's turn it was to feed their egos by feeling holier than me. I was brought up to believe that it's rude to interrupt someone speaking.

I don't get lectured anymore, ever since I've learnt there's a crime hidden in every lecturer. And if someone tries, they soon regret it, because I'll say the king is nude, which doesn't fail to render people speechless and shatters their self-esteem.

I can't stand being told what to do, or being lectured, or being told, the worst one of all, "That's no excuse" even when you are not giving an excuse nor excusing your behavior. I'm 30, and I still get criticism from every which direction. If I could make any generalization about NT's, they like to b***h and complain about people whereas as Aspies tend to complain more about behaviors and logic. Like if my house is a mess, an NT will call me lazy saying I need to clean my house whereas if I walk into a house and see it messy, I assume it's going to get cleaned and it's messy for a reason, and maybe offer to help if it looks like it's needed and if the person is worth it.

Either way, I agree that Aspies are more sensitive to criticsm, and children to correction. I think that's why a parent of an Aspie needs to work more from their nurturing parent as opposed to their critical parent. It's really hard to find that balance too.

I´ve been lectured to a lot, many people seem to like to tell me what they think I "should" do. This can be really irritating, especially when I disagree with their opinion.

I´ve also been treated kind of like a kid on many occasions, even though I´m definitely NOT a kid! If I´m talking and my voice starts to get loud- (something I don´t notice, I´m afraid), people will "shush" me like I´m a 5 year old. If I´m playing with a group of kids, sometimes I get yelled at for getting them going and "rattling them up". I guess since I don´t have kids myself, sometimes I just forget how easily they can become hyper. Still, they should have some fun. I guess it´s hard for me to always have that boundary between "adult" and "kid".

Explain this "king is nude" thing, cause I'm actually quite intrigued.

I meant to say that nowadays I don't listen to them silently and respectfully. I interrupt them at the start of their lecture, mentioning one or two of THEIR skeletons in the closet, and they immediately shut up.

Eg:
Them: "Greentea, you're rude, blunt, selfish, blah blah blah blah"
Me: "Which reminds me, I hear Joe was fired? Did you get away in the end with what you intended to do, to damage his reputation till they fired him and gave you his job?"

You mean you're actually able to interrupt them without them going postal on you? Nicely done! Doesn't happen to me!! ! And when it does the impact still doesn't get made, for whatever reason..

The key is to say that THE KING IS NUDE. Nothing else makes them stop. Saying that the king is nude is saying a truth that everyone counts on you that you won't have the nerve to expose to the light of day because it compromises you too. Since Aspies don't play the dirty games, we don't have a problem saying the king is nude, it doesn't compromise us. And, like light in the eyes of a bat, NTs are blinded and silenced by king-is-nude kind of truth. It destroys them. It's NT's kryptonite. It never happens that I can't silence an NT going off on me, on the spot.

Greentea check out my posting on selfishness. http://cubedemon.blogspot.com/2009/04/m ... es_13.html

There are those who bash selfishness, narcissists, and the me first mentality which is all fine and dandy. There is one problem and this is what I see.

What if those who do this are selfish, narcissistic, and have the me first mentality themselves? What if these folks are much more sophisticated about it and use these excellent values society has as a manipulation technique to contribute their own selfish, narcissistic, and me first mentality?

What if this is used by this person and his syphocants(who are narcissistic as well) to keep their narcissistic supply replenished at all times?

In a way, this narcissist is very brilliant in their sophistries and is not caught and is considered the most responsible and upstanding members of their respective societies and he escapes responsibility for what he or she has subtly done by promoting excellent values such as self-responsibility while maintaing their narcisstic supplies and they throw their little toadies a bone or too as well and obtains their supply from the head narcissist.

In fact, these types of narcissists can underhandedly goad someone who is about to go over the edge into killing a person or a massive group of people just for this narcissist's secret amusement and to replenish their narcissistic supply.

This makes me wonder if Informer is one of these types of narcissists or is he a Toadie? I don't know for sure because I don't know the man so I could be wrong.

I've been trying your "King is nude" idea, and it seems to work quite well; but it doesn't shut 'em up dead in their tracks as you claim; they get pissed off, tell me to f*ck off, and leave.

If they're not rendered completely speechless, then the ugly truth you uncovered isn't ugly enough or unexpected enough.

Yea, I usually don't have the ability to pull it off that far; though once in occasion I get lucky

I do not go to family functions and do not get lectured at. Occasionally my mother says I am "Krakatoa" and far too blunt and far too impulsive and self-driven and I only talk about what I want to talk about and then i get off the phone. But i do not see it as lecturing, as it is all quite true.

I never really was lectured to in the way described. I don't think there was an adequate normality thermometer in our family to measure with.

TheDoctor, I admit that 47 years of analyzing people and myself (to try and figure out what's wrong with me) have made me insightful enough into what hurts them the most. And I admit that, when I'm mercilessly shamed and humiliated by a preacher like these, especially in front of a group of people, I don't have any mercy on them and may use the ugliest of truths to shut them up.

Who's knockin' ya, my good man?

I had no idea you were in that age bracket, btw; somehow I pictured you being in your late '20s/early '30s.

This was my childhood dream. I was born into a family where there was ONE code of behavior and how to live one's life (inflexibly conventional and materialistic, enforced by my mother's sister) and anything steering from it even a tiny bit was punished with ridicule, scapegoating and ultimately, ostracism both by immediate and extended family. My father and I were never able to abide so perfectly to this code, due to being autistic, so nowadays we're ostracized from the family, have been for years.

well yes. In some ways my feral nature was allowed to flourish. there were advantages in that respect. Eccentricity abounded - in more people than just me - and I must say I feel very fortunate to have a family who understand autism to some extent and who are avid social-justice nuts. Difference is respected. People who are less fortunate are/were not sneered at.

the down side to it as a child was that my mother was so obsessed with these things she failed to notice I even existed when NEEDED something.

Don't get me wrong greentea. I'm not complaining. I don't know how i would have fared in a family like yours, with such strictures. At least with eccentricity and neglect (and a bit of abuse) you can still go off and spin a few wheels to your heart's delight, hang around the petrol fumes of the old motor mower, and pursue strange and obsessive special interests in the old laundry (collecting wine labels and soaking them off bottles) without interference from crisp, nosy mothers and aunties who have just popped by to discuss the latest fashion in lounge-room furniture.