04 Mar 2009, 9:19 am
Things like this is what makes relationships so hard for people with AS.
1. Never interpret politeness for "friendship."
2. Beware of those who will claim and act like friends to exploit you.
3. You won't get love unless you give love.
Talk about a recipe for disaster.
In my life, I've learned to take chances. I've been hurt and rejected enough times to know what the odds are when I take a chance, but I accept 100% that if you never risk getting hurt, you'll never know the reward of having a friend or a lover.
It may sound a bit brutish, but people with AS are forced to get a "thicker hide" than NT people because with how AS affects our ability to have "normal" relationships with others, we are often misunderstood and (ultimately) hurt more often than not. Still, if we never risk the hurt, we'll never know the benefits.
I spent a long time alone for fear of being hurt. There was also a time when I would deliberately hurt others so they would not like me...all because I was more able to handle being rejected...I didn't know what I would do if someone actually liked me. Talk about a twisted way to live life.
However, I think people growing up with AS today have it 1,000,000 times better than those of us who are older ever could have. If you are a young person now in a world where AS is understood, at least you can find places like this to learn more about yourself. If you can find a supportive group of people (even if they are all NT) and they know about your AS, you can start building decent social relationships with people who may go the extra length to not only accept you, but to help correct your awkward conduct so you can deal with strangers better.
None of that was around when I was growing up. AS wasn't even known in the USA until I was 26, and I did the lionshare of damage to myself in my life before I was 21.
I wish there was an easy recipe for an AS person to know when people were genuine in their friendships and when they were not, but if it's any consolation, from what I know of NTs, they don't have it that much better either. Politeness is a very weak glue that adheres the facade of civility onto society. NTs typically say that you can know who your real friends are by who is standing next to you when all Hell is breaking loose. NTs are routinely hurt by those "sunshine friends" who hang about when it's good times but abandon them when times get rough. If NTs have a hard time knowing who are truly friends, I suppose the matter is complex for everyone.
If AS taught me anything it's that I'd rather only have one person in my life who I knew I could trust with my life than 100 "friends" who would betray or abandon me in my hour of need. NTs who are burned in such situations adopt that view. NTs say that at the end of one's life, it is common to be able to count the number of TRUE friends on a single hand. Consider the multitude of people NT people know or befriend in a lifetime and that the average one maybe only has 5 people who would deserve the mantle of "true friend." That puts a lot of it in perspective.
There's a lot of truth in that post. NTs struggle to find real friends, too, and from what I've heard from them they consider true friends to be rare.
At my daughter's funeral service is where I saw that I had no real friends. Not one showed up to support me, not even the person that I considered to be a close friend that called me everyday. As in the post above me says, my hell broke loose, and they were no where to be found. My husband had 3 friends that showed up to support him.
I also have wondered if it's a matter of definition. I think it's possible that I define friends differently then NTs do. NTs seem to thrive on a lot of light socializing, ie.. small talk at church, exchanging light conversation over coffee every now and then ect... I don't particularly like that sort of socializing, and usually won't participate. I like deep conversations on a one to one basis. I hate socializing in groups. Sometimes, I wonder if part of the problem is not associating with a group, and thereby skipping the social steps that NTs use to build friendships. If you're in a group it signals to others that you're safe, you're okay. If you're not you're a stranger... different, unknown, which leads to fear of what they don't know or understand.
04 Mar 2009, 9:35 am
04 Mar 2009, 9:45 am
04 Mar 2009, 11:46 am
Regarding the workplace: Well, I'm biracial which causes double trouble. I don't know if I'm being rejected because of my AS or because people are prejudiced. 
It's hard to tell because people want to be racist but don't want to be accused of it either. So, if they rejected me because of my color they'd blame my AS symptoms. These same people who happened to be white were far more tolerable of a white girl who had very BLATANT symptoms of AS. Even "I" who shouldn't, became annoyed with her. My symptoms are subtle. So, I guess it was down to race after all. 
04 Mar 2009, 12:32 pm
10th grade. I was hanging out with the artsy stoner types. One day, out of the blue, one of the girls started acting extremely cold towards me. I probably started "trying too hard" after that and annoyed her further. One day, a kid offered to sell me some weed, but I had to front him the money, which was 30 bucks. Few days later, he claims the money was "stolen". He didn't even offer to pay me back, and when I turned to my "friends" for support, they were completely unsympathetic.
I think the next day, I struck up a conversation with a guy who to this day, is still one of my dearest friends. We both found a group of social misfits, and we learned together how to refine our social skills in a non-judgmental environment. Four of those friends I still keep in contact with, one of whom I will be hanging out with today. 
04 Mar 2009, 12:59 pm
04 Mar 2009, 1:38 pm
My senior year of highschool, I was dumped by my first boyfriend and was extremely depressed by it, especially since he was now telling everyone that he had never liked me and had only dated me because he felt sorry for me. A week or so after that my friends (including my 'best' friend) started avoiding me. We always sat at a particular place during lunch. I still kept going there as was our routine, but they stopped coming. I didn't know why.
This hurt me very very much that my best friend wasn't there to support me at all. This especially burned me because I had always done everything I can to be there for her since she is prone to many emotional ups and downs. There was a time when she was being homeschooled and she was very depressed because she never got to see her school friends. I used to email her fun and cute litte e-cards several times a week and call her as soon as I got home from school and talk for a while. I would also arrange for my older sister to bring her to school to visit us now and then. I was trying to be there for her and try to make sure she didn't feel so isolated. She was often a target of teasing and it would make her cry and I was always the one there with her telling her that those bozos didn't matter. I once even tackled a big guy who was about to give her a wedgie. I always did my best to help her in any way that I could.
But when I was down, she didn't do a single thing for me. Infact she even stopped talking to me at all. I was hurt so I sent her an upset email that said she didn't know how to be a good friend. She got so pissed off at that and I tried to explain myself and talk to her but it just ended up in us yelling at eachother and her storming away while I cried and begged her not to leave. That was a very dark day in my life. (A ray of light - One of my male friends sat with me and listened while I cried. He was my night in shining armor and probably saved my life that day.)
We didn't speak for several months during which she told her parents that I had threatened to kill her (which I did not) and her parents told the principle of school and blocked my number from calling their house (not that I was doing it or anything).
Eventually, we did forgive eachother and became friends again for several years during which she continued to show her lack of support for me (she is the one I have mentioned before with the fiance - I could write a novel about all the things she did to me) and I put up with it because in my mind it wasn't worth another big fight.
I finally cut all ties with her a couple of years ago and it has been very very hard. But I am starting to heal.. I no longer cry when I think about the story above. She, the boyfriend mentioned, and my current husband are the major reasons why I no longer attempt to make friends.
And I am still friends with the guy who was there for me and we have never ever fought 
I haven't seen him in a year, though.
04 Mar 2009, 2:11 pm
04 Mar 2009, 2:22 pm
04 Mar 2009, 11:59 pm
05 Mar 2009, 12:06 am
05 Mar 2009, 1:22 am
05 Mar 2009, 1:25 am
05 Mar 2009, 2:36 am
05 Mar 2009, 2:58 am
Or you call and leave a message, and they somehow 'never get the message' until after the event you've invited them to has already passed.
Yup. That's happened to me a lot. Happened to me two weeks ago actually. I invited a girl to my birthday and she just didn't reply, so when I asked her why she hadn't she said she hadn't got the text
I've had that happen. I sent someone a message and they pretended they didn't recieve it.
I caught them out infront of everybody though, when I pointed out that the system is set up so you recieve an automatic message when the person reads the email you sent you them. That was kind of funny
05 Mar 2009, 4:47 am
