First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Honesty, cooperation and critical thinking are the bare minimum. I haven't found any of the 3 in any man, so it's irrelevant to even mention other desired traits.

Is it normal for NTs to ask WHY someone is okay? When I was going to the spa the girl giving me a massage asked me how my day is going. I know this a question NTs ask to be friendly. I told her my day has been okay. After I said that she asked why it's okay. I thought that was a VERY weird question to ask. I totally didn't expect it. I told her my day was okay because it was uneventful. She didn't respond to that.

Hi there, I'm an Aspie hoping for a translation of my NT friend's behavior...

My life was going seemingly well, I got married, bought a house, had a baby, etc. Than my NT friend got engaged and asked me to do her engagement portraits. I agreed, told her that I would do it for free as a gift, and offered to take her out to a congratulatory lunch as well. We set a date for that, and than she got sick and canceled the day before. I proposed that we reschedule to another specific date (by email) and she didn't respond until 2 days before saying that it worked for her. By that time I had already gone and made other plans because she ignored my email for 2 weeks. I was angry at her for ignoring me, because I was trying to do her a huge favor, and the behavior was confusing to me. When someone else asked to make plans for that day, I jumped on the opportunity because at that point, I didn't care if my engaged friend wanted me to do the photos that day. I don't know if this was insensitive of me or not.

So than she ignored me for another month. At that point I contacted her and apologized that I hadn't re-scheduled the photo shoot with her. In retrospect, I'm not sure if I should have been apologizing. Life had been going really poorly for me all of a sudden, and I actually had a nervous breakdown. I told her about all of the things that I was going through and informed her that I was in no shape to shoot her portraits, and said that I would understand if she wanted to hire someone to do them, because I had no idea when I would be more mentally fit. She responded by barely acknowledging all that I had said and wrote me a huge novel talking about her self. It seemed pretty insensitive, and I was just left feeling hurt and confused. Than things in my life took a turn for the worst (I'll spare the details) and I forgot to respond. Three weeks later she sent an email asking if she had said something that offended me, and I told her about all of the crazy things that had been going on in my life that were distracting me from responding and apologized. I poured my heart out to her in that email, telling her about my marriage problems, mental health issues, issues with my son, etc. and she did not respond at all. Two and a half months passed, and I had basically assumed that I scared her away, and she emails me out of the blue, again asking if she had offended me, and that she was confused because our friendship had been feeling really distant. I was tempted to respond by telling her that "yes, it is distant because you constantly drop off the face of the earth, and yes I am offended because you completely ignored me when I cried out to you for help and validation" but I just assumed that I probably misread the situation, and simply told her that I've been depressed and unmotivated, and apologized. Well, that was a few days ago, and she hasn't responded...and I'm not expecting her to.

Umm....I am so confused! I think that possibly she only likes to have me around so that she can take advantage of me and so that I can do favors for her, and when I start acting like a "drag" she gives me the boot. It felt like she was "checking in" to see if I was back to "normal" - but than I think about how nice and seemingly loving she is, and I just assume that I can't read the situation properly. My therapist said that I have a tendency to project my past (dysfunctional abusive childhood) onto these social interactions that I cannot make sense of, and I assume that people are trying to hurt me when I can't put the pieces together. I can see why she would think that, but how do I know when someone is actually hurting me than?

If someone could try to translate this, that would be great. I tried to stick to the "facts" in my description, and not just give my perception of what happened. I hope that helps. Thank you!

I'm a bit confused, but it just seems to me that you two actually do like one another, and that you've had some communications difficulties which has led to misunderstandings and recriminations, and blah blah the usual. Its pretty normal.
One thing I'll point out though, when she wrote you the Novel you took it as being insensitive to you. Thats one way of looking at, but another way is that she was sharing with you, which is an important part of friendship. And being insensitive, well thats not a deliberate thing is it? So when you feel hurt its not her deliberately hurting you, its simply the way you chose to feel about the situation where she might have been insensitive.
Also having a Baby is a massive and indelible change in a persons life, one that unless you've experienced it, well you can't really fully understand, it takes a very large toll on a person and their family and things can get turned upside down by that.
I'm not sure why she didn't respond to your long email. There will almost certainly be a reason, and not one where the intent was to hurt you.

In my experience genuinely mean people who want to hurt others are extremely rare, its normally just good people mucking stuff up in some way.

NT with a question, married to an AS:

So i understand my husband sees the world differently than i do, and for the last ten years we've managed to work around problems that difference in perception has sometimes caused. He seems to know i need to talk when there is conflict, and that he should listen. He doesn't understand why I feel hurt or upset or why his behaviour is sometimes inappropriate, and i know that, but he is able to recognize that my feelings are important to me, and certain things like calling me if he wants to go somewhere after work so i dont' sit and worry he's crashed on his motorcycle are important to me, so he should do them regardless of whether he understands why. I have been able so far, to find ways to meet both our needs simply without fuss.

But what i don't understand is his recent stance that there is no reason for him to continue trying to understand how I feel. It seems like he's decided my feelings are my problem. even if i am quite sure he would feel hurt in the same situation. And that it does not matter what he does as long as he can justify it. Does this sound like an AS response to a spouse with hurt feelings?

And if so, does anyone have any suggestions about how I might move forward? I need more than just understanding his perspective. I need him to care about the fact that i have a perspective too.

he doesn't want to talk about feelings, of course, but should i keep pushing it? Give it some time until he recharges?

grateful for any insight! thanks

@judyjuice

My thought is, maybe it's perfectly reasonable for him to give up on trying to understand your feelings. Some things just aren't possible. And it doesn't make sense to keep trying to do something that we just can't do.

I could say a lot more, but it would really be outside the realm of what this forum, and this thread in particular, is about. Short version, though is maybe you need to change your own expectations instead of trying to get him to change. Trying to make someone else change is a good path to insanity.

thanks Mysty, I totally agree about changing someone. And it is awesome to have this opportunity to talk to someone that understands!! !! my NT family members and support system do not, though they try.

What is happening is that he's changing - from the last ten years, at least I think, as though we're both getting tired. i KNOW we love each other. a lot. It takes a lot of energy on both sides, and we've always put it in. maybe it is just a phase...we all get tired :>)

I don't expect him to understand, but I do need him to recognize that I've got a perspective, and it is different, and it counts. Just as much. So whether it is understood or not, it has to be respected - somehow. i'm willing to be VERY flexible in HOW it is respected.

If being aspie means that a person in a relationship does whatever they want, with whatever consequences there are, and ONLy their perspective counts, then only their perspective will count. and they'll either be in a rather warped relationship that is not mutual, OR they'll be alone. And if aspies are happy alone, well then that is fine.

This thread has been very useful. Thanks.