First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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I'm sorry, Rimbaud. I was posting on NT and AS take on things in general and didnt mean at all to be saying you were cruel. Though I can see how it might have looked that way.

What I meant, I think, was more that there are a lot of contradictions that are difficult to sort out in the ways that people hurt one another.

Also, I'm slow at figuring out what I want to say and started writing before you posted. I was responding to Madge and ialdabaoth, not to you at all. I saw you had posted, perhaps I should have referenced them.

But I'd never want to hurt you or anyone, I'm sorry it seemed like I was calling you cruel.

I was under the impression that you were responding directly to me. After all it appeared about fifty minutes afterwards and before my post the most recent one was four days ago. It was a misunderstanding then.

For whatever my opinion is worth, any relationship where you feel as if the other person thinks only of themselves and diminishes your confidence isn't one that's worth salvaging. You're probably just not compatible, if you feel that way. Also, she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so it would be pretty expected that she'd think primarily of herself and less of others.

I'd say find yourself someone else. Good luck.

Thanks for replying. I thought, however, there would be more comments on this Forum and I kind of need that, to discuss this in order to get some perspective on it, just so that I can understand it and move on with my life.

In other words, I will appreciate if especially the NTs here recognizes something of this in a relationship with a partner with Asperberger?

Speaking for myself I'd say that I made a mistake in that I really didn't accept the Asperger Diagnosis when she received it, not fully. In fact she received it when she was 35, more that a year into our relationship, which I thought was strange. To be diagnosed with Asperger at 35. So if you can learn something at all from my case it's this, you have to accept the diagnoses all the way, even if it's difficult, and to go on from there if you are to have any chance to succeed in the relationship.

No, I recognize very little of what you described as being part of Aspergers. She sounds hebephrenic or paranoid schizophrenic, maybe, to me. But I'm not a Dr. and no Dr. would diagnose by internet anyway.

But as an NT with experience in a NT-AS relationship I can say, no, other than perhaps not seeing nuances during conversation, or maybe, the black and white view of some topics, nothing sounds like Aspergers to me. She must have some co morbids.

I think it's called Aspie when someone has Aspergers, instead of 'an Asperberger' by the way.

I stand corrected as far as "Asperberger", sorry about that. That's interesting that you don't recognize much from this. Again, she has been diagnosed with Asperger so I don't think that's in question, if you don't want to discuss the possibility of being misdiagnosed. What would you consider to be a "typical" Asperger, or put differently, what is your experience?

I'd encourage you to read the rest of the forums...there really is no 'typical' Aspie although some here discuss their co morbids, and you may begin to read stories which sound similar to yours.

I didn't say or mean to imply that her diagnosis is wrong, just that the things you asked about, mostly did not sound like Aspergers to me.

From what I gathered from my neuropsychologist, and the internet, autism means the brain has developmental difference from an NT brain. Well, then I guess there are infinite possible differences.
So I don't think there is such as a "typical asperger".
I tend to think about the the social interactions things as follows:
Image a network of computers, all having the same amount of memory, CPU with the same speed, same disk, etc..
Then you insert a computer with with less memory, but more disk space, or slower CPU, but more memory, or whatever difference. That computer can't run the same software, will always have problem in the network optimized for a "typical" computer.
For social interactions in an NT world, one would need much of the brain, to process facial expressions, to say interesting things, to look confident, to control muscles of the body to stand / sit in an appropriate position, and mainly to do all these unconsciously ( if i have to think about it, it's not going to fast enough ).
An example: I have no problem with looking into other people's eyes, and I have no problem with people staring at my eyes, while I see most aspies have problems with that.

The neuropsychologist "poking my mind" also said, the concept of autism will probably be split into many different concepts, only right now they can't see the real boundaries, so it's just one large group of autistic people. Much like about hundred years ago, with the then current state of psychology, everyone with a bit different mind was just called schizophrenic, including homosexuals, or serial killers, or if you just maybe liked cats too much.
So it is as if a hundred years ago, you would ask "What would you consider to be a typical schizophrenic" .

Dear NT's:

If you were a college freshman, and your roommate had some neurological abnormalities, what would you like your roommate to tell you right off the bat?

Would you like to know that your roommate paces around and talks to herself? Would you like to know that you roommate may burst out in a sprint for no apparent reason? Would you like to know that your roommate may rock back and forth on occasion and that this is not a sign that something is grievously wrong? Would you like to be warned that your roommate may bite or injure herself if she were to get too stressed and that she has an abnormally low stress tolerance? Would you like to know that you roommate cries easily? If you were a socially-oriented extravert, would you like to know that your roommate is a pretty strong introvert? Would you like to be warned that your roommate isn't very socially inclined? If it was suspected that your roommate had a specific disorder but did not have an official diagnosis, would it be helpful to you if she were to tell you what those disorders were? If you are female, would you like to be warned that your roommate will be of no help in regards to fashion, makeup, or clothing?

Would being told any of the above disturb you more than comfort you?

How much would your roommate "stimming" (pacing, tapping, rocking, doing unusual things with hands) bother you? Would it make you feel better if she made every effort not to do these things in front of you?

Thank you very much for reading.

I personally think that colleges are much more accepting of quirkiness then schools up through high school as well as most work places. However, in terms of the questions you are posing, it's an interesting dilemma.

Some type of roommate matching may occur, and with so many people diagnosed as having autism spectrum disorders and so many more who are "not quite" I would think one not only has the issues you raised to consider, but the possibility that in communicating with the new roommate she might turn out to see and do things similarly, or could even be further along the spectrum. And it's also possible he or she might be further along but have little awareness or concern about this. I suppose it's even possible her stimming could bother you and that you might wind up giving clothing advice. Everything is relative.

I think getting to know the other person and preparing her is great, but the answers to your questions will likely depend on the person. Hopefully she appreciates the effort to get to know her and help her get to know her new roommate.

i have NLD, which is similar to AS in some ways, but i'm pretty NT in others. i've also been a college freshman away at school, and transferred to another as a sophomore, so i have some experience in this area. here's my two cents:

Would you like to know that your roommate paces around and talks to herself? -

**no, as i'd be able to figure that out for myself.

Would you like to know that you roommate may burst out in a sprint for no apparent reason? -

**yes -- although she wouldn't be able to sprint in a dorm room, lol. but i would want to know about it anyway, in case we were walking somewhere together and she all of a sudden took off.

Would you like to know that your roommate may rock back and forth on occasion and that this is not a sign that something is grievously wrong? -

**no, it's somewhat common even among NT's (i don't do it, but i don't care if others do).

Would you like to be warned that your roommate may bite or injure herself if she were to get too stressed and that she has an abnormally low stress tolerance? -

**YES, and i would want suggestions from her and hopefully, her parents, on how to best help her during these times.

Would you like to know that you roommate cries easily? -

**no, as a whole lot of female freshmen cry easily, and i'd have to learn on my own as to anything i'd do that might set her off.

if you were a socially-oriented extravert, would you like to know that your roommate is a pretty strong introvert? -

**no, it's easy to figure out; besides which, many NT's are, as well.

Would you like to be warned that your roommate isn't very socially inclined? -

**no, many people aren't into socializing much...especially introverts.

If it was suspected that your roommate had a specific disorder but did not have an official diagnosis, would it be helpful to you if she were to tell you what those disorders were? -

**yes -- and it would explain a whole lot in regard to all you wrote above. but i think it would be best for *her* if she had a parent or other relative with her to help explain (so that it was straight-forward, and she wouldn't have to worry about sharing too much or too little info).

If you are female, would you like to be warned that your roommate will be of no help in regards to fashion, makeup, or clothing? -

**no, as i'd be able to discern that for myself by the way she looked (btw, a fair amount of NT college females are not into it, either).

b]Would being told any of the above disturb you more than comfort you? -

**the self-injury possibility would disturb me; yet, being told in advance would be better than just having it happen without any prior knowledge.

[b]How much would your roommate "stimming" (pacing, tapping, rocking, doing unusual things with hands) bother you? -

**you can't pace very far in a dorm room, lol...if she did, however, and did it for a substantial amount of time on a regular basis, it would drive me nuts...she'd be better off doing her pacing in the hall. if the tapping made noise, it would get on my nerves, too...however, if it didn't, no big deal, and neither would the rocking or doing unusual things with her hands -- as i could easily avert my eyes.

Would it make you feel better if she made every effort not to do these things in front of you? -

**of course; but she most likely wouldn't be successful in her efforts. besides which, trying not do them often makes one's anxiety worse, which could cause even more problems.



btw, have you looked into colleges that have housing specifically for aspies and autistics? they do exist, as i toured one a few years ago, before we realized my son had NLD, but not AS. anyway, they had a "House Mom" (an actual middle aged mom) who was quite kind, and there to handle everything and anything, but pretty much left them alone unless they asked for help or were in a crisis situation. i met all of the students there, and they seemed *very* happy with their living arrangement.

Than you both so much for your replies; they were extremely helpfull!

I had considered the possibility, but none of those college appear to be in my state, and I am attending an in-state college due to financial reasons; I had the option to apply for a single room, but the room that I am in is paid for by scholarship.

Glad it helped. One more idea, is that people often get anxious when something doesn't make sense, and also when they feel helpless. If you can offer an explanation or better yet something easy to do, it helps prevent problems. So for instance if you bite yourself under stress, mention that drinking ice cold soda or chewing gum or something along those lines is helpful as they are common, don't seen threatening, and if your roommate is the helpful type, better she busy herself grabbing a soda for you than running to the RA to report you're falling apart.

Congratulations on heading off to college!

Hi Rimbaud65,

I think it's interesting that you seem focused on the Asperger's diagnosis when you have heard from experienced people that the problems you describe are not typical of Asperger's. You also mention your partner has a narcissistic and paranoid personality. I would think that you might want to study those conditions and find out more about them now that you know Asperger's is not something other experienced NTs recognize in your description.

Thanks again for the help (and for the congratulations)!

Now I will try to time travel back to my college days and to be honest from that point of view since that's what this topic is all about anyway.

Yes I think it would defuse the situation. Especially said during a quiet moment in a non dramatic way. Maybe have some pages ready to hand to them if they ask what you are talking about. They might not know what the conditions mean (whichever those might be) and also might have some wrong information in their minds from the past.

I would rather know than worry what it all meant.



I honestly don't think so but then I always had all sorts of friends, some very unusual and/or 'outcast' - the main thing that was important to me was that they or their behavior were kind to others. Courtesy and kindness.



A lot of noise and movement might, if I was trying to relax or study. So this might be the type of thing to do on one's own. Maybe go for a walk rather than pacing, or maybe do the hand stuff and rocking in the bathroom stall, if possible. Or when the roomie is out somewhere else. Mostly college roomies like to go off and do their own things, unless you get stuck with one who is always in their room for some reason.

You might also speak to whoever is in charge of housing at the university. They may be able to work something out to where you get paired with someone nice or whatever. In the Temple Grandin movie, I remember they put her with a blind roommate because the first one didn't like seeing her use her squeeze machine. That was a long time ago but a similar situation could still apply. But hopefully you won't need to go to extraordinary lengths to find a compatible roomie.



No prob.

ETA: I thought of one other thing. The roomie might ask "what should I do when or if you ___?" (stim, rock, bite yourself, etc.) So think about that beforehand and have an answer ready. Be honest with your answers, and they will feel better knowing what to do or also what not to do, if they are courteous, that is.

For instance, "In case of ___ don't do anything; it's best if I am just left alone for half an hour." Or "In case of ____ maybe wear headphones because the loud music might have overstimulated me." If my roomie told me they needed the room to themselves and they let me know a bit in advance it would not be a problem. I would go study on campus or something.

If you feel a meltdown coming on it might be a good idea to have a sort of refuge somewhere private, in case the room or privacy in the bathroom was not available. (A lot of dorms have shared bathrooms.) Sort of a Plan B.

For instance it might alarm them about the biting, unless you told them something beforehand, about why or when it happens, what it means, how it helps you, what happens afterward, etc. Something like "I don't break the skin, it calms me down if I'm extremely upset, and it never lasts more than twenty minutes." Sort of a "don't worry, it is a neurologic event and I am used to it. It does not hurt me. It does not escalate."

You might also seek the counselor on campus to ask how best to phrase things and so forth.