First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Anachron, how did you know you had ASD? You said you only recently found out after being sober for about 2 years? Are you in 12-step program? If so, are you able to go to meetings and share? Any issues with connecting to people in the program?
Sorry for so many questions but I'm just really curious.
Thanks!

Confused2015

Please ask me as many questions as you like. I am currently fighting the urge to drop the electric duck in the tub, and talking with people is keeping my mind away from the drain. Please keep in mind the word Spectrum in ASD and understand that I may be quite different from your husband.

This will probably sound stupid but I will stick to the truth no matter what. I was reading a post about the movie Office Space on netflix that was saying that some part of the movie (I don't remember) was making fun of people with Asperger's Syndrome. As I usually do with words I do not understand, I googled it. When I read the distinguishing charateristics, I was speechless and felt as if a huge splinter was just removed. The more I researched, the more I felt releived to find out there was more than one of me. I took three seperate online tests to make sure I was not just filling some kind of need to be a part of something. After I was convinced that I finally found some kind of understanding of why my life has been such an extraordinary and lonely struggle, I was so filled with hope. I told my wife what I thought and she snapped at me saying it is not a real thing. Then things were very bad between us for a couple weeks. I left it alone for about six months and after she was clearly desribing the AS symptoms as our relationship problems, I gave her a blind test that ended up positive for AS. That was two years ago and she refuses to talk or learn about it while getting more and more angry about ASD things that I have little or no control over.

Have you heard that Aspies can be long-winded?

I am not so sure that I am an alcoholic although, I sure won't deny it. I never entered a program. I just decided that it was no longer serving me good. I used alcohol to ease my anxiety about everything outside my room. I would carry around a water bottle full of vodka to sip when I got uncomfortable. Of course, in time, I needed more and more to get the same effect and addiction kicked in. I would stay drunk all day for years and I really don't remember very much of that time in my life until I was in the mountains, married, and my wife said she was pregnant. She never asked me to stop drinking but I could see the fear in her eyes when I would come home with booze. Thinking about becoming a Father got my attention like nothing else ever had. It was very difficult breaking the addiction but my brother had done it and was a great coach.

I would desparately love to go meet people and I have gotten to the door, looked inside, and left as fast as I could. I don't know how to talk to NT people without freaking them out. It seems like it always goes so very wrong or, even if there is a successful exchange, I will spend the next few days going over every word I can remember from both sides, obsessively. I find that I am more comfortable staying home with lonliness rather than dealing with the paralyzing stress of socializing.

I think finding a group for your husband to go to would be way to much to start with. I don't know about other Aspies but I have always prefered one-on-one conversations. I also prefer text related exchanges over face to face conversations so I can get a hold on my thoughts. NTs seem to talk too fast and inturupt eachother frequently. How can anyone keep up with it? I wonder.

Finding this site has done so much for me and I have only been here a few days. I love just reading other Aspie's problems because I can usually relate, which has eased my sense of lonliness. I don't know if your hubby is anti-tech or not but I think he may also find some comfort talking with people here. I would be happy to offer him my friendship and we could gripe to eachother about how our wives just don't get it.

Please ask me more questions if you can think of any. I am desparate to talk with people right now.

Oh wow Anachron! I loved your response!! Thank you so much!! ! ))
You seem to be so much more open than my husband. He sounds more like your wife. He also told me that it's not a real disorder. He lies on the questions on Aspie tests (not sure if it's lying or just blindness to himself). He is very tech savvy (computers was his hobby growing up, esp. the Amiga system) but refused to come on this site. He wants to continue gaming but the gamers his age are all married with kids and have no time for such things. I encouraged him to find people who are gamers his age as I know there are still lots but he just says it's not the same as his youth. I sent him the link and he said he doesn't think he has anything in common with people here. Although sometimes as I read on these forums, I laugh out lout (to myself) as it so perfectly describes him! He even uses some of the same words (words that I had not heard anyone else using and thought was a bit strange)! ! He then told me that I must be the one with Aspergers if I think he has it. I said might be and began researching how Asperger's manifest in women. I'm totally open to it if I have it but he refuses to even consider it. So I'm also asking questions here and see if I might have it myself too.
I wish he would come here and have a friend like you. It would be so helpful to him. Just know you have helped me and I'm so grateful.
Please talk anytime.......I'm pretty depressed myself right now and am trying to figure stuff out.

Anachron...I must not have been clear. I don't really care about going out without makeup and most of the time I don't do my hair it's what I do to look like the rest of the people. As a female in a particular socioeconomic class it's not always an option to leave the house like I want to...mismatched and not giving the slightest care. I just don't know how to decipher what's true and feel comfortable. Sometimes I'll feel so confident that I look the part and I know I've got to play the part but someone can take a picture of me and it'll leave me wanting to run home and cry because that picture looked nothing like what I saw in the mirror. So everytime I go out I try to guage what people are thinking when they look at me but if I walk in a room and EVERY body is looking I freak out in my head. I'd be comfortable with a hoodie on my head with it pulled over my eyebrows and earbuds in but i can't always do that. And I can't take 50 pictures everytime I get "dressed".

skyflower40-I think what I was suggesting was that you take a look at you, in the inside, and try to forget about what anybody else thinks about you, rather focus on how you feel. I know that identity can be extremely confusing in this world that is saturated with image suggestions. Personally, I think that all you have to do is learn to love you, and your natural beauty will shine more pure, than any costume.

The Truth is in Your Heart.

I'm leaving this conversation, because I don't like talking to ignorant people, and if you think ASD "is not a lifelong problem" and "can be cured" you truly are deeply ignorant. Your husband is no more capable of being neurotypical than you are of acting like someone with ASD. Yes, I do have aspergers, and I can assure you that it can not be cured. If he has depression and anxiety associated with his ASD, those can be treated with medication, but in terms of a cure, there is no such thing. You can not cure something that is not an illness. Your husband is wired differently than you. You want a cure? That's like asking a V-6 engine to magically "get better" and become a V-8 engine. It is 2 cylinders short, and it will always be 2 cylinders short.

I think you need to stop torturing your husband with your nonsense. I'm done here.

I am truly sorry if I offended you mistersprinkles. That was not my intention. Of course I'm ignorant on the subject. I just found out a couple of weeks ago and I don't know anything about it. That is why I am here! To learn. And you don't know if I'm NT, I don't even know what or who I am anymore. I am here to read, ask questions, and learn. And yes, at times, as I'm trying to grapple with all of this I will ask really stupid questions (as I have said before on my earlier posts) that may be offensive. That is never my intention.
I hope you can understand that this isn't about you. It's about my ignorance and trying to understand this better and be more supportive.

How can you possibly think that the very fabric of someone's personality can be cured though? That's spectacularly ignorant and presumptuous.

Had I known that was your "goal" I would never have spent the 30-40 minutes I've spent typing my replies to your questions.

Would you like to be cured of your sense of humor? Or of your ability to make friends? Would you like to be cured of your ability to make prolonged eye contact with strangers? Would you like to be "cured" of the things that fundamentally make you who you are?

Seriously... The very word "cure" is offensive. You imply through that word that we have some sort of malignant disease that we need to be rid of. Some people are very content being "different" like we are.

You can't make a person into something they're not. Your husband can not become NT any more than you can suddenly become "afflicted" with Aspergers.

Confused2015....I'm just as lost as you are but reading books, and listening to others talk about it..even watching movies with aspergian characters is helping me understand. Heck i watched Steve jobs movie and realized i can be really mean. I am understanding that offending others is somewhat of a common thread amongst those on the spectrum.

Don't beat yourself up, because there's a learning curve.

Thank you so much skyflower! Any movies or books you can recommend? I'll watch the Steve Jobs one.

So, if this idea develops, will this be like a hotline that you can call that is toll-free in order to get support about whether a certain behavior is associated with Asperger's syndrome? I'm just curious.

mistersprinkles-Whoa buddy, calm down. You must have missed the line, " I guess it is what it is and I have to find a way to live with it and be okay." written by Confused2015, that was a direct response to you.

You are in a thread that is inviting ignorance.
Does this help at all?:
ig·no·rant
/ˈiɡnərənt/
adjective
lacking knowledge or awareness in general

I too, am quite ignorant. I grew up in the 1970s and nobody knew or was learning about AS. "You're just a little slow.", "Your a late bloomer.", or my favorite "You are not like the other kids because you are just unique." was all I had to work with. I went through most of my life trying to make sense of my differences on my own. You should feel fortunate to have a place to teach and learn.

No cure for ASD, got it. But you can cure ignorance if you can find the patience to teach.

I really liked the automotive comparison. Most everyone understands vehicles in some way.
Your name makes me smile every time.

BREAKTHROUGH

For me, coming to this site was the last act of a desparate man. I was greeted with warm hearts and understanding. I was given some excellent advice and, as I followed it, things were working.

Although, at times, I can be a very stupid man and I deviated from the advice and sent a link with basic ASD info to my wife with a heartfelt plea to just get the base facts straight. I was still clinging to the belief that if she only knew the facts, she would be more tolerant of me. This deviation from what was recommended had an effect similar to dropping a match into a drum of gasoline. The fit really hit the shan. How did waterfalls know this was a bad idea? I should have listened to her more closely.

The only thing that stopped the maddness was when I said that we both couldn't figure out how to be happy with eachother and we needed to either see a counseler or just get clear of each other.

Silence. Oh, sweet silence how I have missed you.

After much crying, uncomforted by me (I just stared and waited), she told me that as a child her parents had to fight to keep her out of special school for having a learning disability that affected language and speech development. (I had always thought that she never spoke in complete sentences because she was not smart, an attractive quality, I thought in the begining, because it would give me the upper hand. Yeah, right.) She had been trying to make me change for the past two years since I discovered ASD because she knew she could not, so she told me.

Could she be making this up? I don't care. There is peace today and I will take it.

I am not sure what to do now. I do not feel like everything is going to be okay. This entire relationship has been the heaven to hell and back again express rollercoaster. I do not believe in goodguys and badguys. I Love her when she is not angry. I don't want to give up on her but I don't want to be her punching bag either.

It seems now that my situation is no longer an AS/NT issue if she really is not NT. She is no Aspie but we are on new ground here and this problem no longer seems to fit this thread to me.

Aspie married to someone with language deficiencies sounds like the start of a good joke.

I feel I owe a great debt of gratitude to wrongplanet and all the warm hearts that gave me comfort in my time of despair. I have learned so much in these past few days and feel that I have very much yet to learn. Thank you all so very much.

Today my other half discussed with me attempting to 'convince' his parents that he does have asperger's.

As an adult without a current formal diagnosis, I believe people may be more accepting once he has been diagnosed; however, I understand his want for parental understanding and to gain information from them before he tries to get a diagnosis.

Now, here is my question;

Do any of you have any advice on how to speak to a parent concerning this subject?
It is something we have brought up with them before, but seems to have been brushed off as nothing.
I know how valuable it is to my other half to be believed by his parents.
So... hints, tips...anything that I can say to them which may help cement understanding?