The autism social rule book.

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This is inspiring but also VERY difficult... how do you start implementing this concept while not burning all of your bridges ?

13 remember to blink and breathe at appropriate rate. Dont accidentally hold your breath because you are so interested in the topic . If you dont blink when looking at others they get creep-ed out

Hmm is that actually 2 rules??

167: Make a point of not talking to yourself in the presence of others, this includes mumbling. Most people don't comprehend "thinking outloud"; they just think your batsh*t!

That's hilarious!! !

168. This may sound very senseless, but when meeting new people, try not to act really socially confident if you're really not, because if it's not in you then NTs can see it's being forced, and will start thinking that you're weird (I don't know why, but it's just the way it goes). If you're shy, then be shy - it works better. I'll tell you how this works:-

I've taught myself to smile a lot, greet others properly, making eye contact, look relaxed, and laughing whenever they all laugh, so it looks obvious to them that I'm joining in and taking in the social atmosphere around me. And when people ask me something, I reply as normal. But the more I still stay quite shy but friendly, the more they will think, ''oh she's a nice girl, maybe I will try and get to know her more.''
But if I marched into a room full of new people who I was to get to know, and started thinking of anything to say at the top of my head to someone and started to make conversation, and started butting my way into other people's conversations (like I've seen NTs do), I know I wouldn't do it right, and I would just give out negative impressions, and start annoying people before any friendships have even started. I don't want that. So I think it works more if I just stay shy but friendly and positive, people will want to get to know me because I haven't shown any ''weirdness'', or I haven't annoyed them - and by the time they've started getting to know me, I will get to know them, then I won't be so shy but I would have got used to the type of person each of them are, and so won't need to ''put on'' any social confidence. Instead it will come more naturally, because the more I get used to someone, the more I'm socially relaxed and can think of appropriate things to say more quicker.

It may not work on all Aspies because we are all different, but it worked on me when I started my training course. I started off shy but very friendly, and after a couple of weeks I became rather popular and got a lot of people's mobile numbers (and they were all NTs). Usually I come across as a shy NT to other people, because I don't stim. Sometimes flapping arms and rocking backwards and forwards can give off impressions that you have a weirdness about you (this is according to NTs).

Surprising fact: Being shy is not weird.

Im not entirely sure about this rule, but I kinda notice it, and I break it frequently.

169) Do not talk a lot about someone to someone else if they dont know them unless they want to know about them.

See I have a tendency to mention people other people dont know if I know them and talk to them frequently but I notice my friends who are almost all NT cept for 1 dont do that often.

170) Do not jump to conclusions about someone from hearsay, as in take assumptions about someone through secondary anecdotes(aka gossip). Even tho many NTs do this all the time, doesnt make it right. This one is particularly hard for me because my NT mom practically trained me in this, she'd always say listen thru the grapevine. In my head, I know its wrong but its hard not to do it.

171. If you feel an impulse to do something for someone, for example get them a wedding present or a sympathy card, imagine you are in the situation instead of them. How much attention would you expect from them? Being able to assess how close a relationship is, is a social skill.

Sometimes, I realise that I am probably the last person on their mind at this time, and so far from feeling hurt that I didn't say or do anything, they won't notice or may even find it intrusive if I did.

Most of the social rules involve lying in order to get along. If they ask if they're fat, lie. If they ask if you like their clothing, lie. If they ask what you did this weekend, lie.

It's tiresome. It goes against everything that comes naturally to try and remember to lie and lie and lie.

5. If someone ask you what you did over the weekend, and in honest, you stayed at home and enjoyed your special interest alone all weekend... DON'T tell them. Lye and say you hung out with friends.

It can work to say that you had a quiet weekend in or relaxed/chilled, but say it in a way that sounds you don't do this every single week. NT can be so busy they don't get time for themselves and appreciate a break.

To stress an early rule. When I speak to business people as part of my job (phone/in person) they always make some small talk e.g. a comment about the weather or ask how I am. There is one sentence about this from each person and then you can ask about the work related thing. Politeness goes a long way in emails. You can thank people for their email and say how much you really appreciate if they did something.

I used to think that but I found thats not so much true. You just have to carefully answer by using clever tactfulness instead of bluntly telling them truthfully whats on ur mind. Yeah I had a whole debate with one of my friends last year. Ok, there are some situations you will be put in where the only thing u can do is lie but u dont gotta lie all the time. For instance, if someone asks you what you think of this person who u think is an annoying loudmouth, you can say that you think the person is very outgoing and talkative. Therefore u dont lie but ur also not saying negative things about that person. From my experience, casual friends/acquaintances wont ask u questions that are to detailed/specific to the point where u cant give a tactful response even if u have a negative opinion. If your actual friends ask u something real specific, lets hope u guys are close enough where its ok to be honest.

But that is the whole problem isn't it? Most Aspies have no filtering system or at best a failed filter. We don't think, take the time to correct our natural instinct and remember to change it to something tactful and different before speaking.

I come across 100% better on email because I actually do those things. I don't respond fast and hit SEND without a thought like a real time conversation. I have gotten better and better about thinking over a reply, even typing out a draft, rereading it, changing things, reading it again and substituting those first reactions for more tactful responses and finally sending.

The problem is that people find me to be pleasant or even charming online and want to meet when they're in the area. I can't do that because that eliminates my filtering system.

But back to the original discussion, these rules and tips and things are good but they just don't work in real time. If we could all just learn this once and change how we deal with people socially, well we wouldn't have Asperger's.

In an effort to not derail the entire thread though, let me add one reply that I learned from the Dave Ramsey talk program on the radio - every caller asks him "How are you?" and he replies "Better than I deserve." I started saying that and have gotten many smiles and laughs and good responses, so it seems to be accepted much better than stating truthfully how I am, and much better than the standard "Fine". I've gotten more practiced with it so it is becoming a natural reaction now.

Thats true but I guess depending on the person. For me, I believe that aspies can develop a filtering system if they work on it mainly cause I was able to, and Im still working on it. For me, I used to have a horrible filtering system but at some point I decided to completely go to the point where I was super cautious with everything I did and said. From there I was able to slowly work my way to point where I dont have to be so cautious anymore.



Thats true too, I feel this thread should be trying to guide people in the right direction to dealing with social situations overall. It seems that many of the people who post have a cynical, negatively biased opinions. I dont blame you all, cause sometimes its hard not to. But sometimes the advice given in these posts might not be the best way to go about it in the long run.

Last edited by Ai_Ling on 31 Dec 2010, 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

#...whatever,

Speak to your audience. A friend just taught me this because I tend to consider every tiny detail critical enough to describe. The example he gave me was: If you're talking to a person who doesn't know anything about cars then all the details you give about the function of 27 different systems that mesh together to make the car run means nothing to them. All they need to know is "gas makes car go, oil keeps car running, air keeps tires full....etc" They don't care about octane, viscosity, PPM and PSI.

next rule

Contacting someone constantly and following them a lot without reciprocation is stalking, friend or not. Ideally you should be contacting the person as much as the person contacts you. I find its ok to contact a person a little more then they contact u if you want to, but do it in moderation.
This was something very difficult for me to learn it took 2 years of knowing to stop doing this in my head to finally stop doing this.

I haven't read anything but the first post yet, but one concern I have about this, is that whatever collection of rules we come up with may have certain arbitrary features:

First, I imagine that people living in Japan will say different things about how we should interact with each other than people living in America.

Second, a person's own inferences about how people think they ought to behave, from how he observes that people do behave, are liable to be sometimes mistaken.

It is not enough, it seems, to give the rule -- one must also try to give the reason.

And even if someone whom I know is normal, or am sure is normal, offers me a rule, how do I know he is offering the rule out of a genuine concern for how I should behave, and not because he wants me to behave in a certain way, which he ought not want me to?

The task we have set for ourselves is ethical, and one can expect to attend upon it all the difficulties of ethics.