First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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What do they say? Does it bother them? Are men different from women?

I told my Aspie friend to keep notes and pictures of the people so it would remind him to contact them at certain times. He didn't have pictures because he said they didn't do anything for him. It was sad because he was really good to his parents. One day he just stopped talking to me. It made me wonder if he forgot about me - that I existed. I still have pictures of him and miss him. I wonder how he is doing.

In my experience, it's possible and common to have a friendly relationship with someone you won't miss. They're what I'd call a friendly acquaintance as opposed to a friend. The guys at work would be an example -- you can enjoy their company, maybe go out for a drink after work, but most of them aren't really friends, in the sense that you stay in close touch if you or they leave the company. If you do, well, they're your friends and often I'm still friends with them decades after.

This is despite the fact that I've noticed and felt guilty about not missing or grieving for people and even family members and pets. I used to try really hard to feel grief when a relative died but I never felt much. Which doesn't mean I didn't love them or that I don't think fondly of them. I just don't miss them the way I gather a neurotypical would.

I couldn't think of better ways to explain this without a little of background history. Nowadays I'm happy.

I've been forced through hell and chaos just to please these people (family) through 18 years of my life and it wasn't enough for them. All this because they said "they missed me and wanted my company" and I refused it because I was too exhausted and needed time for myself. Imagine someone with autism being dragged around by force, having meltdowns multiple times a day. That was me. They didn't care if I didn't feel it or didn't like it.

Now that I'm an adult they keep playing the passive-agressive guilt game about "how much I'm gonna regret not spending more time with them".

About people outside the family:

I've told it a few times and they seemed to interpret "I'm unable to miss people" as "I don't care about you, just leave and never talk to me again". It seems to sound the exact same as if I were willingly offending them.

The reactions I get from people are mostly agressive so I don't know if I would be a good reference to completely answer your questions.

On the difference between man and woman... I don't see much.

I don't think it will ever be something an NT can accept and I can't answer for Aspies. Relationships and friendships are built around caring and feelings. I just wouldn't tell them like you say you have. Make notes to yourself to contact them and keep pictures of people that you see often to remind yourself about them. If my Aspie friend hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known. He was also in a 5 yr relationship and a few other shorter term relationships and they didn't know. Keep it to yourself.

I can understand the needing to be by yourself since I have read a lot about Aspies. Of course, I would have to know you are Aspie before being that understanding. I think your family just misses you and likes your company. I keep thinking that I should spend more time with my parents too instead of becoming a hermit like I am because pretty soon it will be too late. But here you are different because you don't miss your family. The situation is sad.

When I'm with them I thank them for every second of their lives they chose to love me and care for me, I thank them for every detail of my life they shaped, be it good or not so good. I hug them and tell them that for the whole eternity I recognize their efforts and struggles. I am profoundly grateful.

'Tis not the same as love or attachment, though.

People say it feels bad to miss others but a girl told me she likes it because when she actually sees the person she feels good. Does it hurt? Is it in the chest? Is it a thought with a rush of dopamine? How is it?

For people who have died or that I know I will never see again, I do better when I part with friends that upset me in some way because then I have another feeling of being mad that is easier for me to deal with. If I care for someone, it hurts bad - that comes from the center of your chest like an ache and it lessens some when you cry. Crying happens on its own and you can't stop it. After crying a lot then you get numb and tired for a bit and then it comes back again - like waves of misery. Depending on the person, it can last month's or years and sometimes you always feel empty and alone. You'll be going along thinking you are OK then something will trigger a memory and you start crying all over again. I don't even want to think of what will happen to me when my Ma is gone. We are like twins. I'll probably never fully recover.

Pictures help to remember a person, but they can also hurt by bringing back memories of a person you will never again see in this life.

When I miss someone that I will see again, I think about them a lot and stuff we have done and talked about together, but with technology I try to keep in touch with them through texting or email or phone calls until I see them again.

So you don't feel love then either?

I do, I do.

Just that for some people I feel grateful and the need to let them know. For others it is love and gratitude. I can't exactly identify when I'm feeling love, though.

An old therapist of mine once told me it's okay to not feel love all the time, that sometimes you can be mad at someone and don't feel love for them at that moment. So you might say mean things and then regret it. I never really had that regret feeling that I can remember, maybe because of mindblindness I couldn't realise it was rude at the time.

But I feel love for a few moments. I think it's love. Ugh... My brain's going to explode. I wanted to have someone explain to me at least some of these things.

It's love when you want the best for someone, right? And want them around to talk and go out with you? And if they're sick you don't mind taking care of them? Is this love? If it is, I have some of it. It doesn't happen very often and when it does it isn't for too long.

It's scary talking to you. You have all these cool feelings and they all have names... Would you mind sharing this knowledge? You seem to be good at it.

I know I feel it, I'm just not good at identifying whenand how much.

I have never really thought of this as a problem that I had, but come to think of it I can't recall a single instance where I have missed someone. All this time I just thought everyone else was being overly dramatic...

Good to know... I guess...

I have to have some time because this is actually stressing me out. I'm trying to analyze my feelings and that's difficult because they just are. I'm a feeling person so logically thinking about it is weird.

I've read about this, but are all Aspies like this?

"It's love when you want the best for someone, right? And want them around to talk and go out with you? And if they're sick you don't mind taking care of them? Is this love? If it is, I have some of it. It doesn't happen very often and when it does it isn't for too long."

Everyone feels love differently and it depends who it is - husband/wife is different than mother/father and friends, even Waldo (pets). You want the best for them, you want to be around them and do things with them because when you don't see them you "miss" them. I can spend time with people and have fun, but not know them at all therefore, I will not miss them once I leave the room. We had fun, but I will probably not remember them or care if I ever really see them again. Someone you "miss" you remember personal things about them, you have memories and think of fun times you had and you want more of those fun times and that brings up the "missing" feelings of loneliness and emptiness because they are not there at that moment. So texting and talking on the phone helps to alleviate some of the lonely and empty feelings, but only for a short time.

Even though I love my Ma as much as I do, we still have disagreements and sometimes I'll hang up the phone because she has made me really mad, but then I feel guilty and ashamed (the regret feeling) because I know one day I will no longer be able to talk to her anymore, so in a way I'm able to feel what it is somewhat going to be like when she is no longer here - a form of missing her, but I know I can call her right back (which I do) and apologize.

I think they have a tendency to be, but to different degrees. Many manage to identify feelings quite well, many don't seem to have that problem. It's not just feelings, it's expressing ideas. Sometimes I need hours to figure out a way to explain my thoughts to someone else.

About your explanation, it's MASTERFUL. Thank you.

I do have it by your description, except the longing for the person's presence, the phone calls (don't like them) and the regret for being rude. It feels weird when you explain something I'm supposed to have but don't. Please don't look at it as bad, I know it's difficult to understand. I'll think of a way to explain it.

It's night time for me. Good night.

PS: Maybe I just haven't been able to identify some emotions. I'll figure it out.

Peacefully,
Dante.

Ciao. You can PM if you like, but talking about here I think will help other Aspies too and I don't mind.

It would scare me to get close to someone who is like that because I would think they don't miss me (or love me) as much as I do them. Like when my Aspie friend said that once a person is out of his sight then he forgets them just made me want to cry, both for him because he has never really felt real "feelings" and also for me because I must not mean anything to him at all. I could be replaced with just another warm body and it wouldn't matter who. I didn't feel special at all. Are Aspie women the same too? Now I have a million questions.

This is why you just can't tell them. I know that lying or withholding information doesn't come naturally to us but this is an example of an experience that many of us have had -- caring about people and then not missing them when they aren't present -- that is so far outside the experience of neurotypicals that they will inevitably misinterpret it. Because the way their brains are wired, if they care about someone they can't help missing them, so they naturally assume that someone who doesn't miss them doesn't care about them. Whereas we seem to have been born with the caring about people circuit but not the missing people circuit.

OK, so you might explain this to an NT with whom you're close if you had half an hour to discuss it, and they might be interested and understanding, but in everyday life there's neither opportunity nor call for that. So even though it goes against the grain the thing to do here is not to mention it, or to grit your teeth and tell a white lie when someone asks "Did you miss me?" And also to follow of the convention of staying in touch to let people know you care about them and think you miss them. Trading Christmas cards, what have you. Though I'm terrible at that myself so I'm really lecturing myself here.

For me, lying feels REAL bad. Because if I lie, people will want more and more of something I don't have. I lied for 18 years and the result was me being smothered and pushed into chronic exhaustion, depression, severe meltdowns and being punished for not handling these things properly (WTH?!). If I want more of that? Nah.

If I lie, most of them treat me like a property, an object to carry around, because I don't enjoy the things they do, they just force me. They just drag me and threaten me despite of what I want, with no regards for my choices or wants. I'm not an object, objects have owners and I don't.

Angela, the way you say it makes it sound slightly horrible. Let's have a practical example:

I'm talking to you through the forum. I have identified a speech pattern, a personality, a name and an avatar. If you changed your name, your picture and personality, but talked similarly, you'd be someone else that spoke like you thus I wouldn't be interested right away because it wouldn't be you. I'd have to read the content of the answer to be interested in this person. If it was you, I would predict the possible gists and ways of writing of the answer and would automaticaly feel good, 'cause IT'S YOU!

I am interested in reading what you have to say because I am enjoying it. I'm expecting the answers and I'm happy when I get them.

The only difference is, if I asked something and you said "I'm not gonna have wifi connection for the rest of the week" I'd be okay with it. If you didn't ever come back, I'd still be satisfied for having talked and having my ideas heard by you. I'd still think you're awesome but I wouldn't be expecting you to show up at any moment. I'd be like "Ok, she's gone for good. May she have an amazing life." and then... Carry on.

Even if you were a significant other. I don't want people who are gone to come back as that would mean an enormous selfish rearrengement of events and priorities in their lives just so they could spend time with me.

In this scenario, if I eventually came back to this thread and saw your messages I'd remember how understanding you were even when it didn't seem possible to understand something. "She's so cool" would be popping in my mind, but I wouldn't wish you came back to answer my age old question (for the reason I described above).
If you didn't ever answer it, it's obviously not supposed to be answered by you. I am trying to explain the feeling. I still LOVE these conversations, loving something is easier than someone.

If you said you didn't feel well, I'd try to figure out a way to guide you out of it. To understand you and be kind. If I couldn't understand or be helpful, I would back away and expect other people to do it. If I didn't find anyone else, I'd feel morally obliged to help somehow.

Even if you were close to me (let's say family), I wouldn't feel like "I HAVE TO HELP HER" and be worried about how you would be feeling at every moment. I would think:

' A specific set of behaviours, choices and circumstances led her to feeling this way. Ocasionally I was present in one of the places she was, reassuring her religious beliefs about the certainty of fate. She, looking desperately for help, assumed I felt the need to care for her as the premise of families is to 'never abandon'. Although I didn't express any sign of affection, I was seen as someone who bears the solution or comfort to her problem. That means she is showing one of the unconscious defense mecanisms, the 'projection' [see what you feel in someone else. Ex: I need help so I project helpfulness onto someone else].
So that's why she feels as if she needed me... '

For that help to be possible, I'd need to dedicate a specific time of a day for that particular issue.

This is how my mind works.

Peacefully,
Dante