First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Question to the NTs (apart from the one in my previous post):

I get a 50% discount on these parking lots for being a resident of the city. I have a badge given by the municipality, to show I'm a resident. The badge must go onto the right side top corner of the windshield, by law. The cashier at the parking lot is supposed to check to see if I have the badge, then accept my payment of 50%. A couple weeks ago, I told the cashier as usual (it's usually the same cashier there): "I'm a resident" when I gave him only 50% of the money. He said: "Where's the badge?" What did he mean? (Obviously he didn't mean that he didn't know where the badge was, because by law it can only be in one place, and he's supposed to check there, and it was there all right).

Ok, let's see. Going over their head ends in firing (that's why I said "last resort", because that's a huge risk).

Conference calls are out.

They are equal so you can't choose to obey the higher one.

Here's what I would do: first, wrack your brain for a compromise between their two conflicting sets of instructions. When you talk to them, you need to bring something to the table other than "he said not to do that". You need to have a plan that is halfway between the both of them. It doesn't have to be a good plan. It's just has to be something you thought up that is a compromise. It will probably be rejected. That's ok. It's purpose is to get the two of them realizing they are in conflict and that a compromise must be made. It doesn't have to be the one you suggested. But a compromise must be made. Your compromise suggestion is partly a conversation starter with each of them and partly to show that you have initiative and can think your way out of a tight spot. You bring your compromise suggestion to each of them in turn in person in their offices (or over the phone or by email, if that's how you usually communicate). The important thing is you take the initiative to move away from conflicting goals and towards compromise. And that they both see you are a person who can figure out a compromise solution even if it's one they don't ultimately use.

Janissy,

YOU.ARE.A.GENIUS.

Now that you say it, I remember that I once started researching this in my colleagues, because that's indeed what I thought they were doing, but wasn't at all sure of the accuracy of my findings.

I think I'll put up a poster in my room with your post, because it'll take me time and drilling to make it second nature for me.

What body language and tone would be best for me when presenting the (probably bad, but well-meaning) idea I have for a compromise?

What if they both say it's a bad idea and leave it at that, still demanding I do as each of them says or else?

Your body language and tone should be that you are confident this is a good idea. No hesitancy.

If they both say it's a bad idea. Talk with them about other possibilities for a compromise. But insist that some sort of compromise will be necessary.

If neither will budge, follow the instructions of the one that has marginally more authority over you. If they are equal to each other in the corporate hierarchy, then go with the one to whom you report more often or work with more frequently.

In the end that's all you can do if they won't compromise.

Thanks a million!

In situations like this where someone is saying something that makes no sense to me, I will ask, "What do you mean?" and in your situation I would point to the badge and say, "You mean that badge?" When people are saying things to me that are making no sense, either because I didn't understand them, or they didn't make themselves clear, either way I cannot respond if I don't know what they mean.

I guess my take is a little different from the other answers. I am, at times, a little too outspoken for some people's tastes, but I'm also usually very ethical in it, and people respect that.

If the teacher is asking what happened to your friendship, there is chance that the pressure came from Meg. Which means Meg may not fully understand why you stopped talking to her. Did you ever tell her how you felt? I personally feel that someone who was a friend deserves that. Tactfully, as in "I thought you knew I wanted X to be my boyfriend" or "I'm not comfortable watching anyone our age kiss that way; I can't believe you did it." To the teacher, I would have said, "she did something I felt was wrong, and she knows that I think it was wrong." In my case, the later part would be true, because I would have communicated it to Meg. I would NOT give any specifics to the teacher, just enough to give the teacher a sense that I had valid reasons. Most people would be satisfied with the answer I gave above, and would not press further.

It isn't my job - or your job - to protect people from each other or from the bad things in life. I'm not saying throw them in their face (that is only destructive), but it sounds to me like you take the rules you believe exist and take them further than they need to go. You can sometimes give enough of the truth to satisfy the questioner without throwing anyone under the bus. If you never are willing to answer questions that the person in authority believes you know the answers to, they begin to question either your ethics, loyalty, or ability to effectively deal with conflict. In some situations its OK to allow that to happen (acquaintances, volunteer work, etc); at work, however, it can severely degrade your position, since strength and initiative are usually prized attributes. It is tricky to know what call to make when; few people (NT or otherwise) call it correctly all the time. In those cases, you admit the mistake and move on. A lot less festers if you sometimes err on the side of over-speaking; when nothing is said, people are left to fill in the blanks themselves, and that usually plays out worse.

I think the teacher was hoping she could help right a situation that may have been beyond 11 year old understanding. Adults interfere in the hopes of making things better for the kids all the time. Since she didn't know the reason you weren't speaking, she had no way of knowing that telling would be breaking the kid code. What you have to do in those situations is say just enough for them to realize they can't help and that you feel it would be inappropriate to say more.

With respect to work, Janissy's idea is a good one. I've usually spoken right up to whoever gave the second set of instructions, at the time I heard them, but, like I said earlier, I can be a bit outspoken for some people's tastes. Still, I've never had any negative conequences. The key is phrasing it carefully, to not imply that one set is better than the other.

Its also quite possible that because of some trick of light he didn't see the badge. I just point and don't give much thought to why they asked.

I wanted to make a few comments and observations on this thread since I've now read the whole thread.

Firstly, I think it's an excellent idea and I hope it's a thread with a long life. But I'm seeing a problem that seems to plague even some of the best threads. The number of people participating is becoming smaller and smaller. There were 7 different posters that I counted on page 15 and no one new since up until me.

I don't know if anyone else has this happen to them, but what I'm seeing here is exactly what happens to me every time I'm put into a group situation. At the beginning, the conversation involves everyone and then somehow it transitions to where I'm no longer a part of it. Even though it was never explicit, I come to have the feeling that I've been dis-invited and completely unable to rejoin. At this point I remove myself, either mentally if I'm stuck at a dinner table or a meeting, or physically if it's a mingling type situation.

Further, I've noticed that the most recent few questions from new posters have received what I would consider to be short shrift. I'm guessing that it's not on purpose, but nevertheless, it has happened. At least from my point of view, when a thread becomes dominated by a few, I just go away as I know there is no way I can break in.

I appreciate the time that some are putting in here to answer questions, but the the variety of participants needs to be expanding, not contracting, or else the thread is in a death spiral. Normally I wouldn't even make a post like this, but I would hate to see this idea die, so I'm taking a chance.

On the positive side, for someone like me who has classified himself as "I don't know if I have it," it's interesting to see which of the questions from both sides I feel I could answer. So far the ratio is about 60-70%/30-40% AS/NT, which is pretty much where I've pegged myself for sometime.

Next post I'm going to ask a question.

A question for NTs.....

I was reading on another thread here that NTs tend to be repelled by the conservation at WP. Most don't stick around. What is it that makes you leave? Is it the subject matter? Is it the nature of the conversation? Or is it something else?

I don't find the conversation unusual at all and don't know why people would leave unless it's simply disinterest.

I don't think its the general conversation so much as what happens when someone who is NT first posts. They may phrase things about AS in the way they are used to from society, and as you know many of those terms, phrases and assumptions are ones that AS take issue with. Which, being AS, members here will immediately point out. Some will do so tactfully, but there are often one or two that come onto the thread and say it quite directly and rudely. Because of the one or two rude comments, the NT's tend to feel quickly that they are not being understood, and that their motives for coming here are not understood, and that they are not in the least bit welcome. In the NT world you would never, ever, tell a parent that they must not really love their child, or that they are too insistent upon remarking their child in their own image. To do so would be to inappropriately apply a negative assumption to someone you don't really know. I have, however, seem those comments here. It is much like running into a group that is prejudiced against you; you would feel it unwise to stay. There can be a lot of anger in the AS population, and much of it is justified, but in NT society you would never, ever direct such anger at someone you are just meeting unless you were basically mentally unstable - at least, that is the societal perception and rule. Yet there are people here who don't "get" that little rule, and new NT's will generally run into those posters pretty quickly. Responses here can be quite unpredictable because they don't follow society rules; NT's aren't used to that.

Now, having often been the victims of bullying, some posters may not recognize that their tone and words are just bullying back. Or they may feel they have to do so to get the message through. Either way, NT's generally won't put up with it, and may not understand why we do. Kids are taught to stay away from those who aren't nice. Self-preservation.

Í have a question for NTs...

How much effort does it take, on average, for someone who isn't autistic, to 'imagine yourself in the position of someone else', so to speak, to make that 'jump' into somebody else's mind?

I know the phrasing makes it sound like I'm imagining it to be like telepathy or something like that, but I know it's not like that. I just want to know how much easier it is for the average person. I know there are some NTs who, though not socially inept, don't have a very good feel for this, so I'm keeping the nuances between individuals in mind... but on average... Is it akin to shifting cameras when you try to put yourself in someone else's shoes whenever you're engaged in social contact with them [in the broadest sense of the term 'social contact')?

So what I really want to know here, is how does it work in your mind when you do that? How do you experience that?

Thanks.

Thank-you for your comments DW a mom. I hadn't thought of it like that before but I do realize there is anger within some portion of the AS community. OTOH, I'll bet there are many comments made by AS people who don't realize their comment may be inappropriate. Although not a major problem of mine, I can certainly remember some comments or even what I thought were compliments I made being taken in a completely different way and being mostly unsuccessful at trying to repair the damage.

You started with a camera analogy so I'll go with that. You know how there's a moment of blur when you change the focus on your camera and then it resolves itself? For me, it's like that. To continue the camera analogy, sometimes the camera photographs things not quite the way they really are: red eye, blur, blacked-out backgrounds from the light. You look at the picture and accept that it's an approximation and you know that person really doesn't have red eyes but it will do as a decent approximation of reality. Some cameras have settings which let you do effects. You can solarize, or do the picture in black and white or sepia. To abuse the analogy, maybe that's what happens when an NT person tries to figure out what an AS person is thinking. The camera sets itself to an "effects" setting like "solarize" only the NT person has no idea they are photographing with an "effects" setting and so don't realize that the picture they took is fairly different from the reality.

Thanks for the reply, this actually helps explain things a bit...

I was going to say that other people I'm in a room with (or outdoors) sometimes feel like 'blind spots' to me (not necessarily continuing the camera analogy here)... But I think it also doesn't help that I sometimes just feel uncomfortable around others and want to keep interaction at a minimum, even at work, for example.