First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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I hope I can word this so it is understandable to NTs.

How do you ignore your feelings when around someone that is considered rude or has hurt you? It seems NTs can run into someone that has those qualities or has caused pain to x person and yet the NT ignores what has happened and continues to be social.
I think I would have less difficulty with that especially in my 40s, but I have trouble controlling my emotions and eye contact which often gives some clues as to what I'm thinking or my physical responses are totally off base and NTs cannot handle them* cannot make sense out of panic, stuttering ect"

Others may use different methods, but I box it off. People sort of have different purposes in my life; some are friends, some are friends of friends, some are business contacts, and so on. If someone was in the friend box but did something to break that, yet still is part of either business life, kid's school life, or the same social circle, I think of them solely in the context of the new box. Everyone has something about them you can like and respect; as long as someone is in a more distant box, you can keep contact focused on the things you like and respect. You may know they enjoy coaching kid's sports; so, any conversation you may direct into that area, because its comfortable for both of you, having nothing to do with the area of conflict. People in distant boxes don't really have the power to hurt me; we're just not that important to each other.

I also recognize that no one is perfect. Most things I simply forgive right off; I don't carry hurt around for long. The few people I've conflicted with that I can still have emotional issues with tend to have gone beyond the no one is perfect concept, and tried to defend their own bad behavior to an usual degree. There have been very few people like this in my life, and I do have to consciously put them into their box in my mind so that they don't upset me. But most people I just don't feel that way about; they have their faults, I have mine, we've all messed up at points, and since I hope they'll forgive me, I have to forgive them.

I have an incredible problem with touch. I especially hate it when a family member touches me, but what do I do when an overly cling NT lays their hand on me? I don't want to be rude, but suffering isn't something I do well.

Also, what about dates? What if he wants to hold hands? Or other touching things?

I came here out of curiosity. I wondered if I might be at least somewhat ASD. There are some commonalities that I experience, like a need for stimming and feeling socially inept, and having trouble figuring out what people mean by what they say, now and then, and a few others, but I am not finding many kindred spirits here, one or two maybe. My not being NLD, and in fact that area being my greatest strength instead seems to be a huge difference. When I first started reading posts here it was very depressing for me to read posts by people who felt cheated by their lot in life. I felt it very deeply and I cried a lot because feeling their pain was overwhelming for me, particularly since I had no answers for them. There are a lot of wounded people here, who sit on this side of the fence and speculate with one another, as though watching people on a viewing screen, how the rest of the world functions and what it means. I wish they had someone who would take them by the hand and walk with them and explain step by step, what this means, and what that means, but I don't know if that would help. I hurt for people here, and I don't know what will help

I too have wondered about leaving here. I don't have any relatives, or close friends who are Aspies, and I evidently am not an aspie, though I have many aspie like attributes.

For me it's an automatic response. I do this without really thinking about it. I've posted this before somewhere. If someone is complaining about the behavior of another person, but innate response is to try to sit in the offending person's seat and try to justify their actions. I have done this several times on this forum, most recently on the So much Bloody FRUSTRATION thread. I experience other people's feelings in much the same way as most folks feel the temperature change a cool breeze on a hot summer day. They just come over me, and I usually know but not always, whose feelings I am co-experiencing. However I consider mysel to be an atypical prototypical so I can't really speak for the average NT.

Family members can learn through your stories about situations that do not involve them. If they hear about an issue you had with a date, they might make the leap and ask, "how do you feel when I touch you?" Which is a great opening for discussing it. I think the important thing is to phrase it as a sensory issue, something you know is unique to yourself, and not a dislike of particular people. They need to feel you are not uniquely repulsed by THEIR touch; its more than you have an issue with touch, period, because of the sensory impact.

With a date, you may have to be more direct. It will all depend I guess; I haven't dated in 15 years (due to marriage) so I'm a little rusty on the protocols there. But you will want to take the same care with phrasing, to emphasize that this is a sensory issue, and not a romantic or personal one.

I think one major issue is that aspies tend to have lower self-esteem than NT's and thus take things much more personally. When people are rude to me when I'm already anxious about something or in a bad mood it tends to set me off. Often it's the cumulative effect that gets to me rather than a single rude act.

A second issue I have is that my emotions seem to be more distracting to my cognitive processes than they are to other people. I can't really think and maintain a cool appearance when I'm experiencing a strong emotion.

I need to say that I'm not DX'd but view myself as more aspie than NT.

This is not a big problem for me but if I find myself in a locked stare with someone else I start to get a mild creepy feeling and have to break it off. In an extended conversation I always find myself thinking about how much eye contact is the right amount. I find I'm more able to concentrate on the conversation if I'm not looking at the person at all, like would happen if you're conversing in the dark.



This is hard to answer because I'm not aware of what I'm unaware of. My general feeling is that I'm okay with what I'd call the top level of non-verbal communication but that there are more subtle levels that I miss. Other people seem to come away with more non-verbal information from the same conversation than I do.



Ironic/sarcastic. I find word play can be especially funny and sometimes sight gags. I don't find people in embarrassing situations to be funny such as you often find in sitcoms or movies. Yes, I laugh out loud.



Yes, mostly non-fiction or science fiction.



A tough subject for me. Yes, but they never went well and I know it's my fault. Dating is a forced situation and that's not how I get to know someone. All I ever feel is high anxiety. In order to avoid that I need to meet someone in a casual setting, through a shared interest, with absolutely no expectations. The friendship making process for me is very gradual and eventually I need to make what I call a "mind connection." I don't think I ever make what I understand to be an "emotional connection." This places severe restrictions on relationships.



I have NT friends and I have a couple of friends who seem to have aspie traits. The more aspie they seem to me, the more reliable I find them to be. My NT friends are always saying things like, "I want to come visit next month." It never happens. Even if we set up a day, I'll have to keep checking to the last minute to see if it's actually going to happen. With my most seeming aspie friend, any schedule is set in stone from the start. If we agree to meet at the drug store parking lot at 8 am next Thursday to take a hike, I know it'll happen. No additional follow-up is necessary. We'll both be there at the appointed time.



I don't think my interests quite meet the "narrow and intense" definition but they have longevity. Most of the interests I had as kid I still have today, and that's over 4 decades. Of course they're more sophisticated than they were back then.

I think AS can experience emotions differently and, really, more intensely than NT's in many ways. I've witnessed that with my son. I've also witnessed him hating certain emotions so much that he has actively worked to basically shut them off completely - the concept is almost chilling to me. Overall, I think its another area where AS tend to sit at the extremes: either intensely emotional (not always all emotions) or almost devoid (again, not always accross the board). Of course, experiencing emotion differently than I do would make it almost impossible to box off the negative ones like I have learned to. I answered the question as to how I do it because well, that was the question. But as I wrote that I wasn't sure at all it could be used as advice, in that the method may not work for most AS readers. I don't know; I'm not you; but I can see how experiencing emotions differently would make that process impossible.

That is exactly what happens when I am some type of conflict. A cool appearance feels impossible to me when I am dealing with conflicts in interactions with others.

Just like me.

I do that too. I once cried in front of someone and felt so horribly violated I swore to myself I would never cry again in my life. I still have not cried.

DW, I like that. Thanks.

Question to the NTs:

Why is it that when someone talks aggressively to you and you answer aggressively back, they ask you how dare you be aggressive and the people within hearing distance all side with them?

I've been there. The speaker and those who are with them think the speaker was merely being stern, or direct, but I translated their approach as aggressive, and by the time I have had my emotionally sensitive feelings hurt by the tone of their voice, I am angry, and my response probably is more aggressive than theirs because my cage just got totally rattled. But then on the other hand it could be a simple translation problem.

I'm not NT and can't offer advice, but I've been in this situation and after asking for input, that's what I understood:

What I perceive as an attack or aggression is considered by others as acceptable behaviour - it can be someone with a higher "rank" in the group asserting their position, someone trying to improve their "rank", or just someone challenging me for fun or as a test. It is considered that a mature person will know how to respond without creating a conflict, so my aggressive answer will be seen either as a disproportionate, immature reaction or a deliberate decision to start a "war".

Good question.

In relation to it how is it NTs seem to often assume if you are serious looking or don't have much expression then you must have some deepseat hidden aggression or something. My expression has become more like that over the years as I've tired of men seeming to think Im flirting, because I come across shy or giggly (SocialPhobe). I've chosen to have more of a leave me alone appearance that still doesn't seem to satisfy some NTs