If you've learned to "fake it"...why do you?

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You've hit the nail on the head, this is exactly how it is for me too. And the exhaustion is not something to take lightly - I have almost pushed myself past the point of no return after only a few months of"faking it" to an NT extent (I became literally "dead" inside, stopped caring about anything or anybody, had a massive breakdown, and was diagnosed with depression).

The sheer complexity of the different types of smiling alone is mind boggling. Sometimes when I'm in the midst of social interaction I feel like an elite athlete on automaton mode (like I'm watching from outside myself, and I don't know how I manage to pull all the complex signals and expressions together) but if I focus too hard, or lose concentration for one second, and the process becomes conscious, I'm screwed and the entire thing will fall apart.

Heh...ya want tiring? Try going a whole day at work detecting body language from customers to make sure they're not stealing anything. I had to do that when I worked at Suncoast many years ago; next day I was completely shot.

A woman I know did that; concentrated on her studies at school and uni, ( rather than on socialising ), and has a career in which, ( although she suffers from the pressure to network/put up with silly people talking/jabbering etc, and is annoyed/inconvenienced frequently by people's social climbing manoevres ), she is a "success"; she doesn't "love" her job, but it is reasonably rewarding.

But she lives alone at 45, has no friends except by post/email and even they are of th most "civilised/polite" kind, has never had sex, ( so no child ), and only a couple of relationships the last one of which ended at least 8 years ago. She paid for her money-making independence/security with her "personal life". The classic split.
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Last edited by ouinon on 06 Jul 2009, 9:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

at least in my opinion, considering socialization is so incredibly over-rated and the world is basically made up of weak-minded people who just follow the latest, hottest craze, and are phonier than anything, trust me...she paid no price.

As for having no relationship, trust me..."faking it" wouldn't have kept the relationship going years later. And if it did, it'd be an excuse not to get a divorce. May I remind you the divorce rate here in the USA is above 50%? There's a reason for that

It's the concentrated/sustained investment in the career to an extent which allows someone to not fake so much socially, which often seems to make investment of time, energy, attention etc, in the social side of life difficult/impossible. Relationships ( close friends and/or sexual partners ), are a lot more likely to happen if you can spend a certain amount of time and energy/brain power on "working/figuring out", and performing, a certain amount of the standard social rituals. Unless you are so "successful", rich, famous, whatever, that people don't care what your social skills are like.
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Last edited by ouinon on 06 Jul 2009, 9:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

I read Carnagie's "How to Win Friends, etc" and eventually realized I didn't have to fake it. If you respect others in acting the way they do, most of them extend the same courtesy when you act a bit odd. I used smoking as a "time out" and it gave me the chance to collect my thoughts, take a deep breath, and continue facing the chaos I needed to face to get through the day. If you can muster patience and concern for others, they tend to overlook the weird eye contact, the seemingly bizarre (although logical) shifts in topic, and some of the other quirky behavior. When I get overwhelmed in a social situation, I'll tell a close friend, "hey, I'm having a good time, I'm just a little slow to adjust sometimes. I don't lash out with "I hate parties" or "these people are shallow", I just relax and listen and resist the urge to jump in until I feel I'm a part of the conversation.

I listen to people monologue IRL because I want people to be interested in what I have to say. I figure even if I'm not terribly interested in what they're saying, I'm extending a courtesy to another human being who needs to "get it out." Hopefully when I go on a rant, someone will have the same compassion to hear me out. But I also realize how uncomfortable it is to have someone hurling words at you for 15 minutes, so I try to think before I rant. I still do, but when I'm aware of it, I don't get resentful if someone starts rolling their eyes or yawning. Everybody has similar needs, and they express those needs in similar ways. I don't have a monopoly on feeling overwhelmed, on needing some space, on wanting people to interact with me, everybody feels that way sometimes.

If I come across as harsh online, it's because I can see the things that isolated me in other posters on this board. Maybe it's my mom telling me that shyness is me thinking about myself way too much, maybe it's the ex-alcoholic uncle calling BS on every "excuse" I came up with for being angry at the rest of the world, or maybe it's the girl I dated who told me that some people actually like being greeters at Wal-Mart. When I see other people complaining about NTs, I think even if I have to approach socializing differently than most of the population, the goals are the same. People pull mean and callous stunts sometimes, but more than often, they do some really great things.

Socialization is tiring, but it's rewarding too. There's a pattern that I can only describe as "organic" in conversation, it's fascinating because it's a synthesis of the communication patterns of two different people and it takes on a life of it's own. Friendships and relationships have this "organic" quality to them too. I don't feel a "false self" as much as I feel it's a rearrangement of the raw materials that make up my personality.

And now, I'll take a cue from the eyerolling and the yawning and give someone else the chance to contribute.

i fake it cause people have always made fun of me i f i don't or thats how i feel at least, like they won't except the real me and think im some kind of freak.

Sometimes I feel like it's a habit, and I've been noticing lately that I tend to go against my impulses. I think part of it has to do with how I was raised. Every time I see my mom's friends, even if I do say hi and do whatever, my mom scolds me (even now and I'm almost 20) and says something like, "______, did you say hi to Aunt/Uncle so-and-so? You didn't greet them!" And I guess where my parents come from, being super polite and following certain social rules is a big deal.

Two reasons I'd have to "fake it."

1. To be considerate of others. The more normal I behave, the more comfortable I make others. Repressing some of my quirky mannerisms and watching what I say helps avoid conflicts.

2. To facilitate meeting people. Most people need to know you better before they can handle some of the stuff AS might produce. If I can give them time to get to know me better before I relax and let them see my AS side more fully, I have a better chance of making a friend.

I don't understand the term "faking it". If you are smiling at someone, you are smiling. If it's because you want them to feel liked, reassured, trusted, happy - there's nothing false about that.

If you are smiling at someone because you want to fool them somehow, then that is false, but I don't think that is what this thread is about.

My pedantry coming out I know, but it really really mattered to me when I was a teenager and people kept saying to me "just be yourself". I kept asking how do I do that? It's one of those things NT people say like "Always tell the truth". Smiling to cheer someone up when you don't feel cheerful yourself is not dishonest or fake, it's kind, surely.

As an adult:

To join the normal world as much as possible.

You know: friends, partying, job, partner, fun, small talk, doing normal things...

There's no other reason for adjusting and trying to pretend I do not have a developmental disorder than wanting to have all those normal things that most people have.

I can "fake it" to the point where by all appearances, I would appear to be an NT. So some people might wonder why I wouldn't want to stay in disguise all the time? The answer is simple: Because I shouldn't have to. Why should I hide who I am? I like being me, and if someone doesn't like me being me, that's their problem.

When you say you like being you, would that include behaviours that might make other people feel ostracised, such as not greeting someone? Or behaviours that amount to bullying, such as talk at someone for an hour, not letting them leave, and finish with a tantrum?

There are a lot of posts on these forums from ASC people who feel lonely, bullied and isolated because of behaviour like that. Are you saying that it's entirely their problem?

Oh, no, I didn't mean it like THAT. Being me does have faults to be sure, but I don't try to bully or intimidate other people EVER. That wouldn't be nice! I'm sorry if you misinterpreted what I said. I think it's obvious that nobody can do what they want if it hurts other people, like yelling "FIRE!" in a crowded area, even though there is freedom of speech.

(emphasis mine)

If you are smiling at someone because you wish to appear happy/friendly even though you are depressed and wish everyone would leave the planet and give you some peace, but you don't want to hurt the person by expressing your real feelings to them, then that is a fake smile, which means that you are faking, no matter how altruistic your reasons are. "Deceitful" does not necessarily mean "malicious".

KyleTheGhost wrote: "I didn't mean it like THAT. Being me does have faults to be sure, but I don't try to bully or intimidate other people EVER. That wouldn't be nice! I'm sorry if you misinterpreted what I said."

Well I was pretty sure you didn't mean it like that!

And I think that it is totally unreasonable for people to expect people to be anything more than merely courteous. I mean, you ***shouldn't*** have to hide who you are.

Who_Am_I, I did say that I can be pedantic. The words "deceitful" and "fake" both have strong negative connotations. I know many ASC people don't get all the semantic overtones but these are the sort that can affect people's mood or self-esteem. "Authentic" and "truthful" are strongly positive opposite words, and I think someone can be true to their authentic self while putting a brave face on things.