Diagnosed later in life....Do you tell people?

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Hi,

I have a very definite opinion on this as I've only recently - at 30 years of age - learned about the existence of Aspergers and am finding it immensely liberating. Before, I thought I had to be "fixed." I thought I was just a little off, and that if I worked hard at it, I could make myself normal.

Therefore, I'm telling as many people as I can possibly trust with this knowledge (I do make sure to say I'm self-diagnosed). I don't want to live with that same shameful secrecy anymore, that isolation. I feel like I can - and should - be proud and pleased with what/who I am.

And I haven't felt joy like this since I was a kid. I feel like someone who's been given a new lease on life.

I've been gradually telling people on a need-to-know basis. When my evaluation is complete, I plan to be very open about it. It is not a defect: it is a difference. The better others around me understand autism and how it relates to me, the better they'll understand me. And I'll probably get useful information in return.

This is how I felt when I was diagnosed a few months ago. I embraced the "different not defective" perspective and loved the feeling of freedom that came with finally having answers for why I've always felt like an outsider.

However, my perfectionist streak is getting the better of me. Since then I have had moments of hating my diagnosis, questioning it, being angry about so much etc. A part of me hates that I went through 6 years of therapy for nothing and there's nothing I can do to be 'normal'.

My partner recognised AS in me after hearing WP member Millie talk on a radio program about having AS! I listened to the podcast and identified with what she was saying and my partner booked me in for a psychiatric assessment. She has been super supportive. She's told her sister, who has a young son with autism we suspect. As well, she's told her closest friends. I really reacted badly to her disclosing to people about me. It's my life and I resented being talked about like I was some kid of freak show, although I'm sure that's not what actually happened. I'm used to being invisible, hidden, quiet, unobtrusive and I didn't like having the spotlight shone my way. I asked her to lay off telling anyone else until I had reconciled myself to my diagnosis a little more, which she has done.

I told my younger brother, who said it made sense, but didn't go on to say how it made sense?! I've also told a few friends. One told me not to go getting myself stuck with a label and that my difficulties were all to do with my hormones and could be fixed if I had the right treatment!! The other two have been great. One of them has a daughter with AS and recognised traits in me, so it didn't come as a surprise to her. Finally, I told my mum a couple of weeks ago and she was very resistant to the idea. I didn't hear from her and she wouldn't answer my emails, so I guess she was processing it. When she did finally write back there was no mention of anything AS-related, so she's apparently in denial. I think it would probably be difficult for parents to deal with the guilt about not knowing/getting you help/protecting you better etc. Especially so when it is a late diagnosis! I could be wrong though. My mum is notorious at being the proverbial ostrich with her head in the sand.

I'm done telling people for now. I don't see the point in telling my dad or my sister, even though she has two young children with AS traits. I've always been the 'black sheep' and most of them are still reeling from the last time I 'came out' LOL!

Most importantly, I told student services at uni and now have a disability advisor (hate that term!!) and my different learning style will finally be recognised and I can get some help. I think disclosure really should be on a 'need to know' basis. It should be guided by your individual level of functioning and the possible benefit vs. harm in telling.

Every time i tell someone that i think i have it(don't have the diagnosis quite yet), they say that i don't seem like i have a problem. And i know that they're probably trying to make me feel better about myself, but it's kind of annoying. I mean, these are people who mostly just see me at work and stuff, not people who actually see me enough to know how this stuff affects my functioning. When i tell them of the different characteristics of AS i have, they always seem to say "oh, that's normal" or "oh, i do that to".. When they have no idea about the extent i'm speaking of. One of my friends a couple days ago was saying that the only reason any of the Asperger's symptoms i have are issues is that i need to "get out more" because i seem just fine. It just sucks to hear those things because i can clearly see that i'm unable to function normally in society and my close family sees it too, but no one else wants to acknowledge that i might actually have a difference that is causing some difficulties for me. I may be sitting there in front of them rocking back and forth like the whole "rain man" stereotype, constantly bringing a conversation back to the same topic over and over again, looking at something behind them rather than at their face, and barely making any facial expression unless something's funny.... but just because i speak intelligently and have adapted enough in my conversation skills to ask them how they are, they think nothing could possibly be that different about me and i'm just making too big a deal out of things. Maybe some of them didn't have a bunch of friends in school, but they didn't have to deal with standing by themselves, staring at the wall, most of the time in school because they had no idea what they were supposed to say to people.. And i'm sure that they've never thrown a fit at work just because of a manager's criticism, either... It just bothers me how people try to act like any difficulties you might be having are nothing and all in your head. I think that what so many people i know can't seem to get through their heads is that, no, i'm not "just shy" and it's not a matter of just liking to be more to myself either.. and when i say something really random, i'm not just being fun and quirky. It's not any of that, it's that I DON'T UNDERSTAND the social things that are happening. I'm CONFUSED, and i DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. They don't get that some people really don't understand those basic social things that bind everyone together, so i must just be an introvert, nothing more. Uhhhg. Just because i can carry on a conversation with someone doesn't mean that i'm not having huge social issues.

My dad knows about it, my room-mate knows about it, his girlfriend does, my girlfriend does, her folks do, a now former friend does, probably a few more...

Also I jokingly bring it up at work to my co-workers here and there, but that's about it.

One day when I'm rich and being interviewed I might mention it, but I'll see.

I tried telling my Uncle about it, and he nearly freaked--and this was the one I trusted.

Diagnosed later in life....Do you tell people?

Only if they ask nicely - more than once.

Generally I dont as it serves no positive purpose as far as I can see. The only exceptions have been my wife and a couple of people i know in the medical profession who I anticipated had a knowledge of the condition.