Inappropriate emotions, not feeling anything

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You see, to us NTs this isn't a fake thing. Even though you may feel that you're faking when you try to mimick NT emotions, we are not faking. Trust me.

Sorry, I did not mean to offend. It just comes off so naturally, and it boggles me in my perception to think that someone could fully relate to any given situation, or sit there and comfort people they really don't like all that much. As we are a puzzle to you at times, you are to us as well.

I mean, I've seen people sit there and comfort someone, then talk about them behind their backs the second they are away. I've watched people who have no clue what someone is going through say "I understand" and all of that... I've done a lot of watching in attempting and all...

I mean, how do you know what to say at just the right times to comfort someone?
Why is our approach any less comforting than yours?

I just don't get it.

....and ya know, I really personally, don't like it when people throw it in my face that I have to "mimick" NT emotions and all of that. That's a bit personal IMO. Sure, maybe that is what we have to do, but when we are aware that we don't respond the same way and don't understand, which is what the topic is... what was the point of that?

I had gone out on a date with someone once. It was fine, but it really didn't work out. A month later I received a call from one of her friends.

Her: "Did you hear?"
Me: "No."
Her: "So-and-so... (dramatic pause) died last night."
Me: "...oh?"
Her: "...aren't you upset?"
Me: "No, not really."

I mean, I went out on one date with her. I didn't feel like I knew her well enough to be upset. I mean, people die. It happens. Maybe some think it's more shocking when it's someone young, but it happens. I remember the same thing happened to me in high school when one of our classmates died. The whole school went into mourning, and I hadn't ever even met the person. I felt absolutely zero.

Fortunately, if I hang around enough sad people (such as at a funeral), I get sad thinking about all of the people who are sad, so I end up not sticking out at all.

I used the word "mimic" because I didn't know what other word to use to describe what it is that may instil the "fake-feeling" in you (I would certainly feel fake if I tried to mimic another person's rather inaccessible emotions), and I'm sorry if I offended you. It wasn't my intention. I am also of the opinion that unless you really feel that this is something that would gain you in a given situation, you shouldn't have to "mimic" anyone's emotions. Allow yourself to feel the way you do.
As for the other things you address - hard things to explain. NT interaction is pretty much built up around the fact that we share much of the same emotional register and expressions. We like to express our emotions, share them and sympathise even though we may not actually like the person. It's a part of getting along in society. It's a pattern most of us NTs find comfort in. Being able to recognize and empathize with another person's plight is not a switch we can turn on or off at will. Since most NTs find eg. death a sad and even horrible thing to contemplate, we can't say "Oh, wise up! Death comes inevitably for all of us. It's a natural thing". We all know this, but our feelings are more pressing and more important to us, therefore such a statement would be perceived as cold. There is little comfort in facts.

It's not really a question of gaining; it's a question of not losing. For instance, if you don't pretend to be sad at funerals, you are judged as somehow unhuman or unfeeling. Imagine if I went to a funeral for one of your relatives. If I were behaving as if this were simply a social gathering, wouldn't you eye me with some suspicion?


Huh. See, I find facts incredibly comforting in this situation. I mean, if aliens had descended and sucked the soul out of the person, I'd be a lot more concerned. If it's simply something that we are all expected to go through at some point, it's merely the next logical step.

Now, if I knew the person well, I will most certainly be sad because they won't be around anymore. But such is a self-centered reason (and I don't mean that in a disparaging way). If I am not invested in knowing the person at all, knowing that what happened to them will happen to everyone is quite comforting. It's a communion of sorts. I don't really think of my own mortality at someone else's funeral.

i ordered a pizza tonight from pizza hut.

they said it would be ready in 10 mins.

i always go in my car to the store to pick it up because i do not trust pizza delivery drivers will take the shortest route to my house.

so i rang and ordered the pizza and said i would pick it up. then i could not find my keys and i became anxious. i became extremely impatient and i found my keys and raced to the car and got in and started it and backed out and sped to the pizza shop.

when i got there, the pizza was already cooked and in a warmer, and i was annoyed at my bad luck at not finding my keys rapidly.

i got the pizza and ran back to my car and started it and tried to speed home, but there was a problem on the way home.

there was a very recent smash that blocked the road back to my house and i could not think of what other route to take around it.

there was an ambulance there already, and someone waved me back to go the other way , but i drove onto the sidewalk to get around them because i had to get home to eat my dinner.

i think back on it now and i realize it was a serious smash and people were injured, but at the time i had no thought except to follow my plan of getting the pizza home before it became soggy.

Exactly. If we weren't expected due to social norms to do these things, then we could truly be ourselves and wouldn't even be questioning anything we do as inappropriate in the first place, because it would be fine. It's something that is expected from all who do these things instinctively, but without understanding how or why, it's difficult, and no matter what you say once they pinpoint you as odd matters... run into it too many times with people.

Not losing is a gain, if you see what I mean. Do what is best for you in the long run. All humans need to adjust our behaviour to different situations. This is harder for some than for others.

I can relate to the comments on death, I've always seen it as something perfectly natural and to be expected. Even when my father died (ten years ago) I just stood in the hospital room watching as if I weren't even part of the family. It's taken me years to have any emotions about it.
My area that causes me the most problems is in day to day emotions.
My boyfriend is very emotional and will often just start crying about something. I can't understand why, and most of the time I have to fight the urge to run screaming into the night. Watching someone else go into a very emotional place scares me and I just go blank. It's weird because I care about him, but I want nothing to do with him at these times.

This seems to me like a definition of "faking it".

I'm not trying to be confrontational, only to understand. People feel for each other in order to get along? Isn't that a bit... contrived?

It puzzles me, too, that the manner of emotional expression is imitative. People express strong emotions in ways copied from their peers and from their common influences, including film and TV. That people in Britain, for instance, once stoic, increasingly weep and wail in a way learned from US TV isn't because feelings have changed, or because instincts have evolved; it's because they do what they see people doing.

How is this expressive? It's mimicry, pure and simple.

I lack empathy as well. Not in a way a sociopath might: hurting people on purpose. I'd never hurt anyone. In fact I go out of my way never to hurt anyone. But if someone gets hurt or even dies I just don't care. I don't feel anything. I used to wonder about this and perhaps I even felt guilty. But now that I know it is due to my AS and how my brain is wired, I'm fine with it.

I can never feel sad at funerals, either. I even laughed during one once. At my great grandma's brother's funeral. Possibly the closest I came to feeling sad was when my great grandma and my granpa died. My grandpa some years ago, my great grandma a few weeks ago. I didn't cry at the funeral, but did when I was alone. I was so ashamed. I cried too hard, I couldn't hold it in.

I also feel not happy, exactly, but...fascinated, admiring sometimes when I watch the news, or read about, er, bad things in history. Or movies, soap operas, sometimes I can't help but think of the villains 'wow, they really did put a lot of thought into that', even though I'm supposed to feel horrified.

My parents think I'm perverse. I just can't help it. Like that I don't care what people feel. That I also have very little regard for other people's feelings. I much rather just tell the truth, instead of make something up to make someone feel better.

I know I have this problem. I hate being around emotional people, I'm never sad about what other people are, and I laugh when other people aren't laughing. In fact, once someone told me I would benefit from gaining emotions. But now that I know about AS, I feel a little less guilty about not feeling as deeply as others.

So I was out at coffee with some co-workers today, and we talked about attending funerals. None of the other people get emotional at funerals unless it's someone close. Some even laugh. I'm reminded of the one Coupling episode (the British one) at the funeral, where they all burst out laughing.

Is it really an AS trait to express inappropriate emotion at funerals? I wonder if it's more common than that.