My Aspie son has threatened to kill me.

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Have you tried asking him what he means by saying that? Don't ask in the moment, ask later, when he is more calm and showing less stress.

Personally, I wouldn't panic or jump to drastic measures - yet. But do understand something is wrong and do what you can to figure it out and mitigate the issues before things escalate. If you have to pull him from school because it makes him miserable, then do it. And so on. The time to figure out the "why" with him is NOW.

I committed my son to inpatient treatment twice for threatening behavior, for his safety, my safety and the safety of my younger child.

inpatient treatment accomplishes 2 things: it puts your child in a setting where he is observed and controlled 24 hours a day, so that a complete work-up can be done. if there is anything else going on with him, it's more likely to be discovered in inpatient treatment than months of outpatient. it also gives you a chance to work with professionals to establish what you should do while they're working with him to help him understand what he needs to do.

in my son's case, he was physically threatening to hit his sister, and making a lot of verbal threats to kill her, hurt her, and make me hate him so I'd send him to live with his dad. he was under a lot of stress. I had recently remarried, his dad was putting all kinds of emotional pressure on him, and he'd recently switched to a special ed school where none of his avoidance tactics worked, so it was coming out all sideways at home and he was a real threat because he was an emotional wreck. in his case, it would have kept escalating because of the belief system his dad had built for him.

his first inpatient stay, he was dx'd bipolar and put on medication that made him worse. several months later after things spiraled out of control again, I put him in inpatient treatment again and he was dx'd NLD. as part of his treatment plan, I let him go live with his dad. now he knows the fantasy doesn't exist. before that, he couldn't handle the pressure of wanting the fantasy.

I think my son is more of an extreme case, but threats to kill should be taken seriously. kids say "I'll kill you" all the time as a joke, but AS kids aren't regular kids and it may not mean the same thing.

I agree with other posters that finding out what's bothering him is a good idea. why is he bringing this anger home? who is it that he's really mad at? does he really believe that your requests are unreasonable? he might say he doesn't know because he can't articulate it, so you might have to ask leading questions.

if it escalates, though, consider calling the police and put him into a good inpatient program. most major hospitals have psychiatric facilities, so find out now where's the best place to put him if you need to. sometimes kids need a wake-up call that things need to change, along with the follow-up care to make sure they can.

I agree with SIlvervarg and also with Scorpileo. Talk to your son and back off on the little things like dripping water on the floor. I know it can be hard if you are a neat-freak and want everything in the house to be tidy and perfect, but people are more important than things. What's a little water on the floor? Calling the police in on this is the last thing I would do. Why would he ever trust you after that?

Does he have special interests or activities that you could ask him about and maybe do along with him? Does he have music that he loves that you could share with him, take him to a concert. Set aside a day of the week to devote entirely to him doing what he likes to do.

Ask him "What can I do for you? How can I help you?"

Does he know that you are posting these things about him? It may seem as if you are turning the whole world against him and that's a hard and terrifying position to be in. Maybe, if you feel you must post about him, it would be better to do it in a private thread that can't be viewed by the public. t know that you are frightened and reaching out for help, but in a way, you are at the same time betraying him. Also, we don't know both sides of the story so we really don't know what's going on in your life and his and what issues are feeding into this situation.

Like Scorpelio, I do know what I'm talking about because something very similar happened in my family and in my opinion, Tough Love Does Not Work. It alienates and makes everything, especially the person it's directed at, tougher and harder. Incarceration does not work. Sometimes school is nothing more than incarceration.

He has the answers. He is the one you should consult. He is the one who can tell you what is wrong and what can be done to help him.

I wish peace and love to you and your son.

I agree with that. What I said in my other post about if there's someone else he trusts to talk to was if you can't talk to him yourself. It could also be an overwhelmed/overload kinda thing.. like where he just wants to say something, anything, that will make people get out of his face and leave him alone.

Does he have like a peaceful place he can go? Like somewhere kinda neutral.. If he loved the spot and could pursue his special interests there, he'd never leave, but if he has a designated spot for cooling down, just somewhere quiet and safe where he wouldn't be bothered, it might give him an "out" when he feels overwhelmed? (I've always been partial to hiding in closets, myself.) But somewhere calm to be that's neither punishment nor reward, just to get away from things.

Also, if he doesn't want to talk about what's going on, maybe he'd be willing to write a note?

I think it's time to lay the hammer down one way or the other. That type of behavior is unacceptable and needs to be put to a stop until it's pushed further.

believe it or not, my son trusts me more than he ever did. calling the police wasn't to get him in trouble, it was to protect me and my other child until my son's school therapist and I could get my son calmed down enough to get him in the car so we could get him to the hospital. it would have been impossible to get him in the car while he was melting down, and if I had I was afraid he'd jump out while I was driving. when we got to the hospital, it took 6 hours in the emergency room to assess whether he should go into inpatient treatment, mostly because he was no longer melting down so it took forever to get it sorted to determine that he was on the edge in general, not just an isolated and transient even. it was because he was a danger to me and my daughter that I was able to get the intervention my son desperately needed and get a dx and help for both him and me that turned his life around.

don't knock it if you haven't had to go there. I hope the OP doesn't have to and can figure out a solution everyone can live with. I'm just sharing my experience in case it could be useful to the OP or to anyone else stuck in a horrible family dynamic that escalates into violence.

Pekkla,

As you will have noted from the various suggestions given so far, it is impossible to accurately diagnose the problem over the internet. Hopefully, the ideas given here will help you determine what is behind your son's behavior.

I will say that it is not normal for your son to be threatening to kill you, and you are right to take this seriously. Here are some of the possible reasons for your son's threats. Some repeat what others have already said.

1. The threats might be an intimidation tactic he is using to get his way. Since the threats come after minor requests, rather than after drastic action on your part, this seems to me to be a reasonable possibility. Many parents do not discipline their children when younger and when the kids hit puberty, things spiral out of control. On the other hand, if his agitation/anger have increased in general, perhaps something more serious is going on.

2. As many others have said, your son may be very stressed over bullying, school, or other problems that are causing him to lash out. If this is the case, those problems need to be identified and dealt with. Also, behavior problems are often at their worst around the age of puberty. Hormones kick in, and the youngsters haven't yet learned how to deal with new emotions.

3. Your son might have serious psychiatric issues that need professional attention. You are the best person to evaluate this - it is impossible for us to do this from the information you have provided.

If you can't determine the cause of your son's threats yourself, I would strongly suggest speaking to a counsellor with knowledge of AS as a first step. Also, remember that young teens benefit from frequent strenuous exercise. This can reduce stress considerably.

Best wishes and good luck with this.

I agree with this. When I was like 12/13, I felt like my parents asked me to do so many little things and I always thought "why does it matter so much?" That was also the same age when I told them things like I didn't want them to be my parents, I didn't want to live with them anymore, blah blah. If I were a young teenager and I learned that I could scare my parents by telling them I wanted to kill them, I might have done it just to get what I wanted. It sounds awful now, but I may have done it then. I never would have meant it. I think someone said this already, but I would say things just to provoke any kind of emotion out of them.

And by the way, sometimes I've said "I'm gonna kill you" in a joking sort of way to my mom, but she's never taken it as a joke...she just says "that's not funny" =P But that definitely doesn't sound like what he's doing to you.

I think making violent threats is even more serious than punching a hole in the wall. Does he know that he's scaring you? Does he show any remorse for the affect his temper has on you? If he continues and doesn't show any remorse I think you should get professional help right away. He seems emotionally unstable and is acting abusive. He might need to try some kind of medication to alleviate stress. I feel bad for him because I've been in a similar state of mind but still, you shouldn't have to live with someone abusing you.

If something is said by the son about teasing at school, I'd suggest he not be fed the line "They're only teasing you because they like you" - it can be taken as you are telling him he is wrong for having those feelings about that.

And that will add to the trouble.

something I wonder if he might be feeling is described this way by me:

http://these4partsofme.blogspot.com/2009/07/im-wrong-im-wrong-im-wrong-im-wrong.html

First find you if he actually MEANT it or if he was just using hyperbole as a way of expressing anger. Most people have done this over something or other. Most of us are not murderers.

I'm gonna assume he didn't mean it. It's probably that he was using hyperbole as a way of expressing anger, but ASers have a habit of seeming serious when we're not, because we forget to use vocal intonation properly. I have lost count of the number of times I said something as a joke but people took it seriously because I was inert on the outside and came across as serious.

It sounds as if he is just acting up because he is constantly overwhelmed and stressed and doesn't know how to deal with it.

Exactly the same here. My way of walking was wrong. I had an ungainly loping motion which people didn't like, so I had to change that. My facial expressions were wrong. This was wrong. That was wrong. I couldn't move without someone telling me I was doing something wrong, and every time I expressed that, I was told to stop being difficult by someone or other.

I agree but I still think he should apologize. His mom should let him know that his behavior is scaring her. It's possible he doesn't know or he doesn't realize that making those kinds of threats is more serious when you're larger and physically capable of acting on them. I mean, it's one thing for a 7 year old to make death threats during a temper tantrum but for a 13 year old it's different. It's scary when someone bigger than you makes those kinds of threats in anger, whether they mean it or not. Maybe he doesn't realize this.

Yeah I agree he should, being overwhelmed doesn't make it okay to take your crap out on anyone around you.

They should meet each other halfway, really. He DEFINITELY needs to regulate his behaviour. Flipping out and telling your mother to shut up is not okay.

On her side, she should 1) avoid overwhelming him if at all possible. 2) teach him to deal with emotions properly. He should make it a reflex to do something harmless to vent anger, even if it's just digging his fingertips into his palms instead of spitting death threats. Going somewhere alone and quiet/dark is also a good one. Just going to the bathroom for a while is good for helping you get over feeling overwhelmed or over emotional.

Like many others have said, I'd try to talk to him to see if you can possibly get to the bottom of his frustrations. However, instead of talking, I'd think it would be less confrontational to e-mail, or write a note. As angry, and defensive as he is at the moment he's REALLY going to feel on the spot, cornered, and overwhelmed if you try to talk to him about his feelings. He may not even know how to describe how he's feeling, and why, but if he has time to read what you are asking of him he may be able to write it out.

Of course, if the behavior escalates, you may need to seek immediate help. It's just something that I wouldn't jump to unless you really feel that he knows, and understands the full impact of what he's saying, and that he might actually harm someone. My guess is is that something is going really, really bad at school, and he's reached his limit, but doesn't have the emotional maturity to know how to handle it.

Yes she speaks wisely! He's being overwhelmed so he's frustrated and perhaps even desperate to get away from all simuli. He can't tell you what is wrong or how to fix it because we are all poor communicators. E-mail him or leave him a note and ask him to explain what's been going on. Then work with him to fix it. My guess is that he's being bullied in school.

If violence escalates you'll have no choice but to seek help.

That SO reflects how I feel most of the time.