What motivates Self-Diagnosis?

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As of now I'm self-diagnosed, though next monday I'm going in to get a diagnosis.

I hate self-diagnosis, which is why I've been bouncing between therapists for a couple months trying to get an official diagnosis. I hate self-diagnosis because I feel like it makes me sound like I'm trying to excuse my problems with a label.

I never even considered I might have ASD until my aspergian boyfriend suggested it (he still says he thinks I'm more autistic than he is, though I beg to differ...). I always thought there was just something wrong with me, and I'm just not meant to interact with normal people. (Normal being charismatic, well adjusted people. Not all NTs. "NT" is not an accurate title, I think.)
I had an ex-boyfriend who was incredibly in touch with his emotions. He was popular in high school, charismatic, the life of the party, and everything else that I wasn't. He tried very hard to "fix" me, but it never really worked. I learned a lot though (for example, when someone says "Hi, how are you" instead of saying "good" I'm supposed to say "I'm good, how are you?").
What always came up was this situation:

My boyfriend would be upset, crying, or I would be upset, crying, etc. Either way, we'd be having some sort of argument involving emotions.
He would share his side of things, how he felt, all that. Then came the dreaded "tell me how you feel."
My mind would always go completely blank. I would stutter, I would sit in silence trying (trying trying trying) to come up with something to say, to be able to explain myself, explain why I felt a certain way. I couldn't. There was nothing there.
He would then tell me, "You're thinking too hard, don't think, just talk."
I would tell him that there was nothing in my head. I can't just talk. There's nothing there. I just don't know.
He would then get angry. He would scream things like, "Just f*****g say what you mean! You're a human being! You have feelings! You're not a robot! You're not ret*d! You're making me doubt your intelligence! I know you're smart enough to know your own mind!"
I would just clam up even more, obviously.
I never understood what was wrong with me, because clearly something was wrong with me. Here's a perfectly normal (if not better than normal) guy who can say what he thinks, what he feels, express himself... and here I am, a girl, the emotional sex, who simply shuts down when confronted with this. Blue screen of death, so to speak.
That's just one example of an autistic symptom that I didn't recognize as having anything to do with autism. I really had no idea what autism was, other than the kids I knew in elementary school who couldn't speak or write their own names. I never even once considered that I had Asperger's.

I told my ex-boyfriend a few weeks ago that I think I have Asperger's. His response was that no, of course I don't, we're all still growing, and I'm just as smart and capable as the next girl, I just need to take time to learn to express myself.

I want a diagnosis so I can tell my ex-boyfriend that it's not my fault, and I really was trying, and I'm not just stupid.
I also want to be able to understand myself. Because if I don't have Asperger's, then I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm definitely not normal.

Oh I see - like being frozen and unable to get started on something?

I frequently have that feeling. Once I finally do start on something then I get consumed with it and can't stop. Changing up is difficult, and getting started is very difficult.

My son definitely has that too.

And we both at times have a sense that time is different than it really is. I'm very time oriented - have clocks within sight nearly everywhere, but that's because I'm aware MY time is not the same as everyone else's time.

There are times when I'm sure 20 minutes have gone by and the clock says only 2....

Or worse, I believe I have enough time to do 3 tasks and still get out the door but it's just impossible to do that. Each task takes approx 5 minutes to accomplish and I have to be out the door in 5 minutes, so of course do the math - it won't work. When my son does it I can clearly point out the error - add up the time and point to the clock and show him he's miscalculating but when I do it I somehow believe it will work.

As if to us time is much more rubbery and flexible - it stretches when we want and it shrinks when we want. Then we're shocked to find ourselves late or otherwise messed up because the time didn't cooperate and change like we wanted.

A lot of what I would say is said here. But I'd like to add something. I'm not saying that it applies to anyone on this forum. People who are like this would probably not be here, anyway.

I've been talking to a friend on the phone. He has OCD and social anxiety. He also used to think that he had AS, but still thinks that he has traits of it. We were having a conversation about AS, and I remember him saying:
"But I still think I have AS"
Me: "Why do you want to label yourself? It almost seems to me like you want to have it."
Him: "But AS is cool. Look how many great thinkers had it. Newton, Einstein..."

No. And he thinks I'm crazy because of my interests, my bluntness, etc. People like that should get AS for a day and see what it's like.

That way of thinking can be a double edged sword.

If you do have AS, it's a way of saying HEY - we're not LESS THAN, we're just different. Proof of that is look at these great minds who also had AS!

It's a way of standing up for yourself and pointing to very successful people who had what you have and were great.

But if you don't have AS and you just want to be associated with those big thinkers and famous people, that's not good.

It can go both ways.

I've learned to like myself in spite of symptoms and quirks and accept myself but it's taken nearly 50 years. To me, it's good to know about the great people who did and do have AS. It's encouraging. And my AS makes me unique and who I am, so I can't wish it away without wishing myself away.

I have to add that I've always wanted to be able to go along in what seems like a more effortless life, like NTs.

I thought I suffered from depressia. I was browsing the Internet to figure this all out. Browsing and browsing... There was always something missing. Accidentaly I bumped on a person with Asperger's and I was just curious what Asperger's was. Eureka!! It was like finding my biography written by many people!
I didn't diagnose myself because I wanted to belong somewhere. It was part of wanting to find an inner peace and part of pure coincidence.

^Isnt it? Perhaps it is, and we have let others tell us it isnt.

Well a lot of the things AS put me through does not make it fun. But I think a lot of help and support and undertstandng would have gone a long way but it is hard to come by.

I have personally never met a person who thought they had AS because they thought it was cool. but perhaps they are out there but I havent encountered them yet....