why can't I have real friends?

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I remember once being in that place of not having friends, and not getting why, and not knowing how to change that.

I remember once talking with an internet friend (well, sort of friend) who experienced the same thing. This back before I knew anything about Asperger's. His view was that society was the problem. I did not then and do not know think that's the problem. But, at the same time, there's truth in that. Society contributes to the difficulties.

I wish, based on my experience, I could give a simple answer on how to get out of that. But I can't. For me, it involved a lot of personal growth. And it included finding the right place to make friends. Something I enjoyed and was into for it's own sake, and were I saw the same people over and over week after week. And where people were understanding and accepting of me being who I am. It did not involve actively looking for friendship.

When i was growing up i thought I had a lot of friends, but looking back now they were more like acquaintances. I only hung out with them at school and didn't have many things in common, they were basically people I would sit around and pretend I was interested in what they were saying so I didn't look so antisocial. I don't think that it's a matter of finding real friends as it is finding the right friends. They probably sound the same but to me a real friend is someone who has good intentions and truly wants to be your friend. The Right type of friend is a real friend that has the patience (or right personality) to deal with your personality traits.

I have always been superbad at maintaining relationships, I personally don't have the drive to talk to people or make plans to do something like go out. This basically killed my relationships within a few years because the other person would basically give up on me and stop talking to me. I have 3 friends now (2 of them I've never actually met irl, they are online buddies) and we've been friends for at least 5 years or longer. The only reason why (at least I think so) we've been able to stay friends is because they're always the first to talk to me. They'll always make the effort to talk to me even when I don't. I enjoy talking to them once we do start chatting so being friends with them is relatively easy. But it's because of their more forward personalities that I can say I have friends now.

They were the right kind of friend for me, I'm sure you can find yours

I had 2 really close friends-one had people playing with his head at work and he had a nervous breakdown and is not the same person I knew due to the deep depression he is in-and now that he has no health insurance he cant get proper help. The other friend was more like a brother to me than my own brother,he started listening to his neighbor when his neighbor started asking him why I would visit him so much-nudge nudge hint hint and he asked me why I was visiting him like he was taking his neighbors side after knowing him now for 31 years-I just took it as well I am not welcome here anymore to visit and did not visit or contact him for a year and a half and he never tried to contact me intrestingly enough-which makes me believe he may never have been that true of a friend in the first place-I stood by him after his wife divorced him and through lots of stuff-I stayed loyal-so now I really have no real true friends anymore.

No such thing as can't have friends. Only thing - the thing I definitely did not figure out and nobody ever told me until I was many years down the road - you can't just get them. Way i understand it, if you hasve the right species, the malde firefly flies around blinking. Down in the deep grass the female firefly sits and blinks back. If things work out, they see one another, find one another.

But for us - you from what you say and me for sure - there is a LOY of thick grass and fog, and we keep trying to get lagybugs and moths to be friends because we haven't looked up / down to see the potential real friend blinking.

But experience says - it can take a while, but if you don't get sour from waiting and don't exhaust yourself on the ladybugs, friends DO find friends - even my kind.

That's the exact reason why I got rid of my Facebook, it was way too depressing seeing all of my really good friends post on each other's wall and never post on mine. Of course when I got rid of it everyone suddenly bombarded my sisters' Facebooks asking where I was. I told my sisters to give them my email- if they really wanted to talk to me they could email me. No one did. Facebook's so incredibly fake.

dots i have the same problem. i recently tried to meet a potential friend and it was a complete disaster.

Since my harddrive crashed a few days ago, that pretty much took care of all of my friends.

Gee, I feel exactly the same way. HOWEVER, one of my obsessions is psychology and through many years of research I have discovered that when people have friends already, like the girls you're talking about, they have little reason to acquire new friends. Therefore, it is up to the person without friends to take the intuitive and start the friendship. Now, to actually start a friendship... I have no clue. Being friendly? How to do that...um...by smiling?

The trouble with me is that when I was at the big school, I did have the chance to have realy descent friends. But as I got to about 13 or 14, (year 9), I wanted to be ''hard'' and wanted to mix with the girls who'd rather bunk lessons and hang out in the toilets putting make-up on, instead of girls who liked being in the library. I don't know why. I'm 20 now, and I have grown up since then - and now I know that anyone is a descent friend, as long as they treat you nicely. But when I was 14, still a kid, I just wanted to mix with the rough girls instead of the ''boffs''.
So in my last year of school when I was 16, I had made friends who were like waif from strays. One was foriegn and didn't seem to know how to treat a friend right, yet was so confident as the same time, another was really, really shy and just fancied boys all the time. And another didn't seem to care about her GCSEs, and was rude to the teachers - which did actually impress me. And another was weird and liked to be only with one other person. . . All I wanted was to be friends with all of them and become a crowd, but they kept on falling out with eachother (and me), and then I started to wish I had stayed with the girls who went to the library and studied all the time. But it was too late by then. So - silly me. I had mixed with a crowd who were all as bad as eachother, just so I can look like I'm ''cool'' and not a ''boff''.
But also, I didn't like studying and libraries anyway. The teachers were quite surprised because other Aspie students who were at the school were always so smart and quiet and timid - while sometimes I was tough and even mouthy. I have mouthed at a teacher before, and the other kids liked it. But the teacher was surprsed, and I had to see the school counsellor to see if I wasn't mixed with a bit of Aspergers and something else.
But I did act like a typical Aspie at one point at the big school. Before I got with those girls I said about - I got so lonely because nobody in my class wanted to be my friend, so I ended up ''following'' these girls from another class about. I knew of them and they knew of me because their form-room was just near ours, but they didn't know me to speak to, and one lunch-time I saw them sitting in a crowd on a field and I went and sat near them. They were all talking and laughing with eachother then one of them said a compliment to me, and so I shuffled myself nearer to them, and just sat with them for the rest of the lunch hour. Then the next week I started to wait for them after lessons and go about wth them - until after four days they secretly went to the counsellor and told them about I was following them. The counsellor found me and took me into her office and said that these girls had told me that I was concerning them. I felt very upset afterwards, and I also felt embarrassed, because nobody else in the school done that sort of thing. But that wasn't like me to do that. I always knew followng people was weird, and so I don't know how I suddenly changed my mind and did it, then changed back again.Ohhh! So embarrassing!

What you call friends I have around 50 of, however it's still never the same.

I'll explain the details so you understand what I mean by friend.

I go to gatherings/parties once/twice every week or 2. Then see all 30-50 of them every couple of weeks at a party.
They're nice to you, involve you and seem to treat you like everyone else, but they still never treat you like an equal. You notice the subtle differences that reveal their true opinions and the fact that they're niceness is forced.

This happened to me the other night on facebook:

Me: Power windows aren't worth the trouble they give you...
Friend 1: Tell that to bobs dog LOL, he stood on the switch and got stuck in the window LOL!
Friend 2: HAGHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Lol that's hilarious!
Bobs girlfriend (also friend): No "Jametto it really isn't"

That's pretty much it word for word. For the record bob never commented on the status.

3 of us were doing the same thing, yet I'm always the target when it comes to these things. It's these little things that show what they really think of you.

If a group of you are EQUALLY responsible for doing something morally incorrect towards someone they always single you out and get angry at you, and amazingly don't seem to get angry at the other people. Meaning they have no respect for you.
I only have 8 real true friends compared to everyone else having 40+. Doesn't matter about numbers, having a true friend is amazing, they respect you, have your back under any circumstance you're all on the same wavelength. I'm so grateful for them and the main reason that they're my friends is due to the fact that they're not judgemental and the fact we are similar. But then again I'm similar to all those idiots in that big group, but they're so judgemental and always assume the worst of me when I'm not bad in any way. I don't even know why I hang around with them.
They do scathing things to me sometimes, like ignore what I'm saying and pretend I'm invisible, I have shouted the same thing at least 8 times at one point in a circle and no one even turns they're head (they can obviously hear me). So I just walk off grab my drinks and go to head off and they stop me and say "Why are you leaving, stay it'll be awesome" pretty much beg me not to go, directly after a situation when I wasn't even there to them. Bunch of scumbags imo I don't enjoy the company of almost any of them nowadays but still hang out with them on impulse, I get excited every time I hear we're all meeting up only to arrive excited with all of them there have a few crappy converations and 30min later sit by myself and fall into a state of emptiness and depression. This has never happened with my best friends, you can't be depressed around them.

If you want friends, you need to find people who accept you for who you are and don't assume the worst of you for no reason. You'll go through a lot of pain until you find the right ones but it's sooooooo worth it. They are out there. What I am saying is even when you make a friend eventually (which you will) it doesn't end there, there's a huge difference between a friend and a real friend.