What should a parent of a newly-dx'd Autie or Aspie know?

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Could you explain that some I mite be misinterpreting it

The main thing a parent needs to know is that their child is exactly the same person he or she was before the diagnoses. Just that now the parent has tools to understand their child better,,, which is a very good thing.

Any diagnosis reached as early as pre-school is a BLESSING for both the parent and the child. As someone who was undiagnosed (simply considered "weird" and disobedient) until the 4th grade, and then wrongly diagnosed AND medicated as a paranoid-schizophrenic at age 9, I have to envy a child who is diagnosed accurately; the first time.

Other than being with Asperger's myself, I can't say I'm any kind of expert in what others should know. However, I can say I find it comforting when a situation arises, and I'm not ridiculed for something I can't help. Such cases could include sitting at a dinner table, and being unable to follow the conversation, and being scolded for "not listening". That happened to me often, and I was embarrassed and ashamed. I listened, but we don't pick up on subtleties in conversation; just literal statements. If others in my group understand that about me, it's much more pleasurable for me to attend a dinner, and for fellow guests, since they're not made to feel awkward when I don't "get" something such as a joke. Other cases might include a "different" interest I may have. If I want to drop what I'm doing, and go outside with a tape recorder to record the monthly test of the tornado siren, it's nice if I don't get accused of being a lunatic. Or if I meet someone with whom I haven't spoken in 30 years, and I can't remember their face but I remember that their stove had a wrong knob on it. Without understanding autism, that might come across that I stalked that person in order to be able to remember a detail like a wrong stove knob.

With all that said, please know that autism and Asperger's are not impairments to intelligence. If anything, they can be an enhancement. Just ask fellow Aspie Bill Gates, or think of believed-Aspie Thomas Edison . Another trait of Asperger's and autism is compulsive honesty. We cannot lie, as we'll get caught every time, and we just don't tend to lie in the first place. It's too much work. On the other hand, if you ask if what you're wearing looks OK, you may get an answer you don't like. But it will be accurate in the Aspie's eyes. We are very cautious in life, and are likely to be good, safe drivers, and are likely to evade molesters, as we put out different body language, and we confuse would-be molesters, etc. The down side of that is, we also confuse teachers, police, and others not familiar with the body language peculiarities of Asperger's. We are often doubted, as we say something which may be the opposite of our body language, or at least inconsistent with it.

Knowledge, acceptance, and understanding WILL get you far, and it will promote the Aspie or autistic child to grow to his or her best; perhaps to be a more successful adult overall, than a person without any place on the Autism spectrum. Denial will guarantee you and the child misery, disgrace, and failure. That goes not only for those of us with issues discussed here on this forum, but with any other trait which may deviate from the social or religious accepted norm. I have a friend with an obese daughter, who has led a miserable life, alienated from her parents by shame. She probably has a hormone problem that could either be fixed, or be understood and accepted. It was neither understood nor accepted, and now that poor girl is 48, still obese, alone and depressed. And 100% preventably so.

Charles

In my experience, many of the initial problems that lead to a diagnosis of AS and which affect family life with an aspie child involve problems with social interaction (including bullying and parents not fully understanding what seems to be their child's emotional distance). Being alone functions as an emotional restorative, aspies need it, and children especially need to be free to enage in 'private time' without being judged for it, or made to feel that they 'ought' to be doing otherwise.

This is especially true with females who tend to be more introverted but I think that it applies generally too. And it's something that parents often have trouble understanding or dealing with. I've graduated college, I have a Ph.D, and my family STILL has trouble with the idea that I love them but sometimes I just really need to be away from them. When I was a kid saying the same thing, they felt that the best course of action was to force me to socialise 'for my own good'.

Attwood's point in the quote is that many of the problems with AS stem from problems with social interaction, especially initially and especially in kids (by the time they're grown up, most aspies can at least fake it for a while). If a parent can understand that aspie kids need 'alone time', that's a huge initial step.

I wish you were right about this but I think you are tragically wrong. Molestors don't target kids who are socially skilled and fit easily into a group. Those children have the greatest protection againsty molestors (insofar as any protection is possible). They are frequently in a group or at least with a friend and therefore less vulnerable. There is safety in numbers.

What molestors look for (according to those who have been interviewed in jail) is kids who are not part of a group. Awkward or unusual body language doesn't confuse a molestor at all. It tells him exactly what he wants to know. It tells him that this is a kid who is not tuned in to his enviroment or is paying attention to miscellaneous non-human details in his enviroment and won't even realize a predator is upon him until too late. The different body language in combination with being alone rather than part of a group tells a molestor that this child is exactly what he is looking for in a victim.


I go through a "stranger danger" drill with my daughter over and over but I fear for her probably even more than I would if she were neurotypical. The traits that are sometimes found in autism put her in particular danger. She doesn't have friends so she doesn't have the protection of a group. At this point in her life, she is always accompanied by an adult but that won't always be so. Her body language broadcasts, "I am more in tune with the color of the advertising signs on the street than I am with the people around me" which is very dangerous. She also has an autistic characteristic that puts her in great danger which is a problem with generalizing. Last year a molestor was caught in our neighborhood. Prior to his being caught, the police put "have you seen this man?" warning signs all around- and in the post office and in the paper. With her excellent memory, my daughter memorized his face (although luckily she didn't ever see him, he was caught elsewhere). Unfortunately, due to her problems with faulty generalizing/being overly specific, she now thinks that all molestors look exactly like him and that his face in particular is the only one she needs to be alert for.

So I am scared for her. Because her body language and other traits won't confuse a molestor. Instead they will be bait.

I also disagree that autistic people are less likely to be molested. My son has been bullied and abused right through school, including sexual aggression (it stopped short of "rape" because the attackers kept their clothes on.) This was done in front of dozens of his classmates, and nobody stood up for him, because he's "different."

I think being on the spectrum increases the risk of being abused, including sexually, because people see you as different, and don't feel as guilty as they would abusing a "normal" person.

Unless they have a loud verbal stim you can still hear.

I see your point, and I believe I could have written my point much better than I did. What I meant, was that the type of children to be molested by people they know; usually over a long period of time, seem to be mainly NT people among those whose cases I'm somewhat familiar with. The Aspie and Autism traits don't seem to be a plus for the in-household habitual molestor, such as those who molested my wife from age 3 or 4 through puberty, and several other similar cases known to me. My sister-in-law; one year older and in the same household with the same circumstances, was not molested, and she is on the spectrum. I was thinking of our Aspie trait of inability to hide things as well as NT people, and some other things I can think of. I was in the presence as an early teen, of an older man who bothered boys, and I was later found out to be the only one he didn't try anything with. Detective psychiatrists told me it was because I wasn't "the usual kind of teen boy", and that the neighborhood molester (at least in this case), went for mainstream boys who were insecure in other ways. He had coerced all of them into remaining silent, somehow, until one came forward YEARS later.

Absolutely any of us may be targeted by a criminal of any sort, molester/rapist included. If it's a case of bullies with the purpose to hurt and humiliate, I completely agree that the Aspie is going to be more likely a target. I was never sexually bullied, but I was bullied PLENTY in general. And I was no skinny little kid either. I was simply afraid to defend myself against bullies whose motives I didn't understand, at the time.

So I apologize for making a blanket statement, which should have been a specific thought.

Charles

@kx250rider I think I understand what you meat but unfortunately I have heard quite a few cases of autistics being molested by people they know like family members. Because they are autistic; they are not able to explain things well or others do not believe em. One thing thou is that autistics have so many social issues they are typically less likely be in situations like parties or bars where they can be taken advantage of

I'm the NT wife of kx250rider (who replied earlier in this thread), and I used to teach special Ed, specifically autistic children. Of course, this was back in the 90's (if that makes a difference). What I observed was that the very low-functioning autistic kids were usually less likely to be messed with sexually simply because of their demonstrative way of reacting to any kind of physical touch. Which draws a lot of attention. Again, that was just my observation (and I myself was molested as a child). In fact, at that time, we were told to pay special attention to the paranoid schizophrenic children, because they were often not believed when reporting such incidents).

My disclaimer, however, is that ANY child can be a target for molesters, and I would hate to hear that any child was not believed when making such claims (NT, autistic, schizo, or otherwise). Unfortunately, I was not believed, and that did more to hurt my self-esteem than did the actual molesting, I believe.

Great high school project!

Here's the actual scenario we just experienced: Our new pediatrician (we had just moved) asked if we had ever had our son evaluated for Asperger's. We hadn't, but the possibility had come up previously with our old ped. and with his Occupational Therapist.

So a brochure might be helpful to bridge the gap between the initial suggestion by the ped., and the actual evaluation by a neurologist or a psychologist.

I would include information on the range of possible diagnoses on the spectrum, what to expect at the evaluation, and what kinds of therapies are helpful if one's child is diagnosed. I would also include web addresses for support groups and more information. The brochure might be helpful not just for the mom, but to help explain the situation to grandparents, or other friends or family members.

By the time we got the actual diagnosis, I had already read tons of info on the web and in books, but not every parent is as OCD about researching as I am. I also have a couple of friends with children on the spectrum, so I wasn't completely freaked out. AND my husband was on board from the beginning. One thing I've heard about is that sometimes dads have a harder time with the diagnosis -- pro football player Rodney Peete has written very honestly about this.

Hope that's helpful. Please feel free to email me at mommy (at) starkravingmadmommy (dot) com if you want to discuss more. I think it's a terrific project, good luck!

Thanks for all the ideas, everyone.