Women who have aspergers: A non-issue for them

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Women have it easier?! Ha! You obviously have never been a woman! (This is true of most men, but the point stands.)

Aspie women are born with a big old "kick me" sign on our backs. Every jackass, jerk, and sociopath in the world sees us as perfect targets. We get into relationships with charming me who then proceed to abuse us, rape us, and occasionally kill us. But hey, we've got a boy, so our lives are perfect, right?

After my father died, my Aspie mom married two men, both of whom abused her and her children (focusing, of course, on the autistic female among them). My mom's got to be a really happy, fulfilled individual, just because she found some guys who were willing to have sex with her, right?

Sorry, it doesn't work that way. There's a reason half the Aspie women in the world get PTSD. It's because half the sociopaths in the world think we make great punching bags.

As a woman with AS, I disagree with you.

This is what men in general demand of women, in general order of significance.

1. Great looking body and facial features.
2. Nice smile.
3. Graceful feminine mannerism.
4. Overall "kemptness"
5. Vibrant energy.
6. Sexual liberalness...with them only.
7. Emotionally warm.


This is what women generally demand of men, in general order of significance.

1. Good personality.
a) Forgiving (this is what women mean by sense of humor)
b) Relatively patient
c) Reliable
d) Ambitious
e) Honest
2. Average body.
3. Financial stability.
4. Able to support at least himself.


No matter what I do, I cannot meet standards 1 and 4. I do not have a perfect body. I will never have a perfect body and I do not even have an average body for women my age. I have a below average body due to connective tissue damage and there is no treatment for it. I cannot stay kept looking for the life of me. My hair always has split ends, will always get messy quickly, and feminine clothing just does not stay in place...perhaps it is something with my posture? I don't know.

I do not meet 2. To get a nice smile would require about $10,000 in dental and orthodontics work and I don't have that, and regardless of my teeth, I do not have a warm smile anyway. My facial features and muscles simply do not allow for it.

3. I have tried, but alas, I AM NOT GRACEFUL., nor dainty, nor very feminine though I have made some small improvements.

I *could* meet 5, 6 and 7. But I cannot be vibrant for long periods of time as it's not my natural personality and like many on the spectrum I have facial hypotonia and actually can't hold a smile or a "vibrant" expression about myself for very long. I could be sexually liberal theoretically, had I no moral objections to it, but it would really do me no good because men have such big double standards on this. They want a women who is both easy enough to put out for them, and experienced, and simultaneously a virgin or extremely sexually modest with respect to men who are not them. And last, I can fake emotional warmth though probably not very well. I can be quite sincerely warm with those who get to know me but few men who I am interested in give me the chance to prove that.

But most men can obtain a fairly average body and most women will even take a man with a below average body. While personality can't be changed, personality traits can be improved upon. So it is actually far easier for a man to achieve the traits women desire than for a woman to achieve the traits men desire, as men place A LOT of weight on physical appearance and one can only help how they look to a point.


And women are a lot more forgiving and are a lot more flexible in their standards for men than men are of women. Women generally expect husbands to not be as emotionally warm, not appear to be as considerate, and forget important dates, but it is not forgivable for a woman to be like this and this is exactly how most women with As are.

In fact, when you (the original poster) were thinking of "women" in your original post, I doubt you were really thinking of women with AS, and you were probably thinking of women getting men in the sense that there are many men who would not turn down most women....there are many women who would not turn down most men, but it's not just a matter of quantity but mutual compatibility.

Because Asperger's is only social awkwardness, amirite??

I find I'm actually hoping you're trolling in this thread, because I would hate to think the negative attitudes and prejudices expressed actually continue to exist.

I'm not going to address the attacks you made on my friend, because that is beyond uninformed.

While some of us started out posting with a sincere desire to offer assistance and perspective, your responses have allowed us, it seems, to figure out what your real issues are, and they have nothing to do with your AS, nor do I believe they can be accurately blamed on a lifetime of rejection. If you aren't trolling as you write those posts, you need to understand that the undercurrent of hostility is going to come through in your real life interactions, even if you aren't outright expressing it.

Now, you get to decide what to do about it. Take the observations to heart, get professional assistance understanding all this if need be, or continue to attack and continue to be alone. You choose.

Gah, fun with male privilege. Women don't owe you anything.

BTW, I'm a lesbian. So that means I have the same problem finding dates that many heterosexual autistic men have. Before I came out, and when I was prettier (I'm conventionally ugly now and it's such a relief not to have creepy guys after me), I did have a few boys (I came out as soon as I was an adult) attracted to me. One of them was a sociopath who stalks women and prefers vulnerable ones. One of them was physically abusive (although he's actually grown up and learned from the experience, shockingly, and no subsequent gfs have had a problem with him). One of them enjoyed messing with my mind as part of some weird power game that he later said made him feel like a sexual predator. (I only actually dated one of them, although given my passivity I agreed to say I was dating another one, even though nothing really happened between us.)

That's the reality for most autistic women. Personally I would rather not date at all, than date men who abuse me physically, emotionally, or sexually. Autistic women are perceived as "pretty and vulnerable" and there's a certain kind of man who likes to take advantage of that. If you claim you would even want that rather than be alone, then you don't understand what real abuse is like.

Oh and I was also molested as a child by an "aspie" man who couldn't get a date and had one of those male privilege entitlement complexes that made him take out his sexual frustration on me because he thought women owed him. I find that autistic men tend to wear such entitlement complexes on their sleeves and do incredibly destructive things to women and girls because of them. (Whereas nonautistic men tend to be subtler about it even if they have the same attitude.) Women will like you better once you stop acting like the world owes you sex. Seriously. Such attitudes radiate off men who have them, especially autistic men, and self-respecting women are repulsed by them.

I'm saying all this as someone who has never been able to find a female romantic partner. (It's harder for autistic people who prefer women because women often don't take the initiative, and autistic people have trouble with initiative.) Thing is, eventually you have to take the attitude that if it happens it will happen and if it doesn't it doesn't but you can live with yourself either way. And I'm a woman who likes myself fine despite not being able to find another woman yet.

From what I have read, major depressive disorder occurs co-morbidly with Asperger's a significant percentage of the time. I would urge you to look into counseling, in case you may be feeling this way for clinical reasons. I understand you are feeling alone and disheartened, but if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to protect yourself from any self-harm that could occur during a moment of impulsivity. If you ever do feel suicidal, or the need to chat, you can call 1-800-273-TALK.