What do you want to do and what's holding you back?

Post Reply New Topic

wanna jump up onto the moon.
but gravity holds me back.

want the future to happen too soon,
but the past don't give it no slack.

wanna defer this afternoon,
till this morning blows it's stack.

wanna sing my ultimate tune,
but i got no backing track.

(i am severely tired and should not post this but i coughed while the mouse cursor was over the submit button)

i really want to make a custom fire agate ring and move to another part of the country to get away from my family, but whats holding me back and it always comes down to this is food prices! im serious. im done eating top ramen and canned food from the dollar store to save money i only bought a couple of things the other day at the store and it was like 56 bucks!

i was thinking about hitting up the flagstaff family foodbank for dinner but then i'll feel homeless. wich unless i really am i dont even want to bother

i figure its gonna take atleast $5,000 dollars to make my ring and move so hopefully in the next two years it will happen

i only have $500 dollars saved so far, i did have $700 but i bought a new computer so it just seems like everytime i get ahead something eats up my goddamn money

I want to make a difference and facilitate a better future through awarness campaigning.

Bare with me here...

In 2008 I attempted, unsuccessfully to get a career on an Australian CSIRO research ship to be part of a better future for our home Earth. After a difficult job in a hostile location fell apart I devoted myself to campaigning for Sea Shepherd as a rural itinerant supporter.

In 2009 I walked 600kms solo, unassisted, unsupported, unsponsored for Sea Shepherd awareness of their southern ocean whale defence campaign. I did 6 weeks on their ship, the MY Steve Irwin after the walk but was disappointed with the ego culture onboard. One place I thought I would fit in, I was bitterly rejected and squashed, hidding in my cabin or walking up Mt Wellington when not working, avoiding everyone to avoid the hurt.

In April 2009 I designed my own campaign grou to walk long distances carrying the message of Ocean Conservation through, remote, rural, residential and metro Australia. I tried setting up an official non-profit association in June but I couldn't understand the paperwork and had difficulty finding equally passionate and informed people to be part of the commitee.

I tried getting moral and mutual support from other Australian ocean conservation non-profits but only one replied. I had no luck finding sponsorship for the next walk. Sea Shepherd advised me they would not support the walk.

From October to December 2009 I walked 1400kms from Melbourne to Newcastle solo, unsupported, unsponsored for whale conservation. It was hard but I believe I promoted thought, conversation and action. I'm still in debt to my father for money I needed to finish the walk.

In January 2010 I had an offer of sponsorship for the campaign shirts but they could not follow my request for design even when drawn in colour with detailed notes. They came through on 7 shirts, jacket and hats late after the campaign had started for a 1400km shark conservation walk in March. Another solo, unsupported walk. This walk failed because I was scared of the aggressive attention from recreational and commercial shark fishermen. It was not safe for me to continue alone so I pulled out with the intention to continue when I have a support crew.

In June 2010 I tried walking 250kms from Coffs Harbour to Byron Bay for whale conservation but I had put on a lot of weight resulting from depression triggered by my failure on the previous walk. The extra weight caused severe chaffing and I made it all the way until the last 500m. The pain was too strong and I was almost passing out and the last 500ms were up a headland, I collapsed with the end so close.

I had another walk for sharks planned for October but have cancelled. The return to the original shark walk was also planned for October/November but I have also cancelled that. The whale walk to Byron Bay was to be an annual event but I have cancelled it too. I had started planning a walk around Australia for Reef Health Awareness, 17000kms, 18months, starting June 2012 but it is also history.

If only I had a reliable road support crew and sponsorship to cover the costs. My fiance wants to do all this with me but we don't have the right car, adequate road and off road camping kit or 4WD, he can't just quit work and hit the road on a campaign while he has a car loan to pay off.

I believe I have tried everything to make this dream work but nothing has resulted from these efforts.

Currently I am in a very bad place in my head and am working on my own survival. I am in no place to represent anyone or anything until I have regained some sense of psychological balance. My recent breakdown are directly linked to my failure to act for the future of our Oceans and this beautiful planet.

I am hopeful that with in 10 years I will be in a place in my life with my husband where we can embark on the round Australia campaign but I am also thinking very seriously of doing it for mental illness awarenss like Depression, Suicide or Austism.

Being in the painful process of getting a literary agent, my greatest wish is for my book to be published.

I had no real life understanding of the fear until I received an "interest" response from an agent requesting more of my manuscript.

All of a sudden, my work for the last two years on a project that has caused more than a fair share of physical and mental pain, is "out there".

Mucho freaking scary.

What holds me back? Myself.


Mics

All I want to do is play bass guitar and write songs, but most of the time when I have the urge to pick up an instrument I get a feeling that tells me "now is not the time." Ive got a horrible tendency to sabotage myself with bad feelings I have no control over.

I want to be a writer and make money from it.

I suck at writing everything except poetry (which I have published). I make no money from poetry. I wish I could write sci fi novels.

I want a new job (of the proper, waged kind). The only things holding me back are the economic situation and my general fear and anxiety/low self-esteem. I suppose I can fix the second one...but it's really easier said than done.

Something that I did a year ago, this Friday. I've started being myself, again. Most of you are new, so enjoy me as you've known me, since you've joined.

What I Want To Do: Leave everything behind and start a new life somewhere else (within the U.S.) I would leave no note, no explanation, just up and leave bright and early one morning. my special interest is bus travel, ive gone so far as plot out the greyhound timetable from my hometown to san diego CA.

Whats Holding Me Back: My job, my family commitments. my sister just started high school and her father is a deadbeat who ran off to join a satanic metal band, i feel like i need to be there for her. Financial support too, my mother couldnt do it alone.

I'd like to go to university to study jazz theory and form a band. I am dreading the amount of socializing that will need to take place though, I just wish we could gig and then BAM everyone leaves and I get to practice and rest in my own quiet time. No friends (if few), groupies or nonsense, just me and a few distant amigos playing a good hand of jazz standards and then busting out of there to do our own thing.

....otherwise becoming a historian or even an engineer of some sort will be good, but those two are more low key and less satisfying than playing some sleek tunes. Hmmmm.

I want to be a "professional" music journalist, but I'm held back by my poor networking and social skills because all the work goes to sycophantic creeps who can grease their way in with those at the top or who are part of the journalistic clique.

I also wish I had better motivation to be a novelist. Every time I get stuck into writing a story, I run out of steam and lose motivation and it just ends up sitting there collecting proverbial dust

I want to sell all my belongings and severe all ties with my family, travel around the world on foot and hitchhike whenever possible, and meet new people every day and everywhere with no intention of ever seeing them again.

The only thing that's currently holding me back is my own sanity.

I think I'd like to be rich.

Nothing's holding me back, I just haven't wanted that before.

I want to be blissfully happy more than most the time.

Whats holding me back (in order of importance/priority) is:

crap food
crap air and water quality
stimulants and drug and alcohol use
lack of visual and auditory beauty
preoccupation with society, newspapers, TV, and downers in general

At least all these things can be reasonably easy to let go of....