Does putting on a ''NT front'' in public cause tiredness?

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23 Sep 2010, 2:17 pm

I've always had a hard time with tiredness when I try to act "normal". I feel anxious and nervous, too, and it's in things that most people wouldn't find troublesome, such as social interaction.

Mark198423
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23 Sep 2010, 2:22 pm

I get this all the time. As I'm socializing less and less at the moment it's generally at work it happens. I work in a TV, broadband, landline and mobile phone store and have to follow set conversational patterns whilst trying to build a rapour with customers. This is tiring in itself but I also have to try to ensure I'm not doing anything odd like repeating what I've just said or gently rocking whilst talking to someone.
It currently our busiest time of year so I'm coming home exhausted most nights!

ScottyN
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23 Sep 2010, 5:56 pm

Unquestionably. The more people there are, the more exhausted I become. I remember going out to bars as a teenager, and with the crowds and noise: after a few hours, I felt more exhausted than after a long run. But now I feel that it is worth the effort, depending on the company. The looks I get when I don't try are simply not acceptable to me at my age.

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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23 Sep 2010, 5:59 pm

If I put on an NT front I think it would worry people who know me. They would be wondering why they sudden change in personality, which discourages me from doing anything radical like saying "Hi how ya doing?" in an overly enthusiastic, confident way.

Mdyar
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23 Sep 2010, 7:51 pm

Sparrowrose wrote:

Joe90: I can identify! I was at the grocery yesterday and every aisle had squeaky, screaming babies. By the time I left, my shoulders hurt from all the times I involuntarily cringed at the sudden air-siren blast of a child next to me setting off into a wail. Someone else might not really notice all the screaming babies, I don't know. But I felt like I'd been dropped into the nursery ward of a hospital! Any other situation, I would have just walked out, but when you need to put food in your house and there's only one place to get it from . . .

At least I made it out of there okay. I've actually been verbally attacked by parents before, just for cringing or putting my hands over my ears when their baby started screaming. Not saying a word to them or the baby. Not even *looking* at them or the baby. And I get attacked because I can't hide how much the screaming hurts me. My pain triggers some kind of defensive, attacking reaction in some kinds of parents, apparently. After reflecting on it, I decided it must be guilt -- the parents who can't stand the screaming and are sitting around wishing they hadn't become parents and then they see the screaming hurting someone else and think, "how dare you make visible signs of pain? *I'm* the one who has to live with this. Let me give you a piece of my mind!" That's the only logical or semi-logical reason I can think of why my instinctual cringing would offend someone that much.

Evidently my countenance falls, as it is like a siren in the ear; I look crabby, but I get apologies and I guess the overall response would be cultural.
I think this has to do with an 'auditory bias, for example: in a restaurant and eating with my wife, the background noise makes it difficult to hear my wife. The plates clanging and the conglomerate of everyone's distant conversation is what I hear, but I have to concentrate to hear my wife, who is only 3ft. in front of me.

Quote:

Also in the "what I do, not what I say" category of things that exhaust me: walking around where there are other people. I never know where to put my eyes when there are so many people because I don't want to look at them. Sometimes I can get away with looking at the trees or the squirrels or my feet but I have to move my eyes around a little bit to remain safe in public so I'm not hit by a bicycle or wheelchair or attacked by some general nutcase (it can happen) and so sometimes when I'm scanning the area for safety my eyes accidentally brush across someone else's eyes. And sometimes someone is walking right into my path so I have to look at the to decide which of us is going to yield (if no one decides, it's invariably me, if only by instinct) and then someone will smile at me and because I have face-blindness and have absolutely no idea who they are or if I know them or not, I have to smile back just in case (I've *really* pissed people off before when, according tot hem, I gave them a "dirty look" -- which I asssume is my default look when I don't make a smile for them.)

And then there are the people who approach me. Every time I leave my house I have at least one conversation with someone who approache dme, knew my name, obviously knows me, and I have no bloody idea who they are. So I don't know what they expect from me and I just try to keep the conversation as light and neutral as possible while I'm racking my brain, trying to figure out who the hell I'm talking to. Just that alone is exhausting!

I don't understand this phenomenon in myself, (though I'm not face blind); I could do a ton of physical labor all day and never get tired, but given a protracted social context, it attrites me neurologicaly to where I cant take in anything more( process information) and the other party just shuts up. I know introverts tire here in general, but I wonder if there is an AS componet or not in this one.

ruveyn wrote:

Sometimes it gets to be a drag. But one must live in the presence of others so we carry the burden.

^ ^ yes.

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23 Sep 2010, 8:50 pm

Sparrowrose wrote:

I just came back from there. I empathize completely. However, to a certain extent, I also empathize with the kids--I can imagine that the bright lights and noise bother them, too.

Sparrowrose wrote:

At least I made it out of there okay. I've actually been verbally attacked by parents before, just for cringing or putting my hands over my ears when their baby started screaming. Not saying a word to them or the baby. Not even *looking* at them or the baby. And I get attacked because I can't hide how much the screaming hurts me. My pain triggers some kind of defensive, attacking reaction in some kinds of parents, apparently. After reflecting on it, I decided it must be guilt -- the parents who can't stand the screaming and are sitting around wishing they hadn't become parents and then they see the screaming hurting someone else and think, "how dare you make visible signs of pain? *I'm* the one who has to live with this. Let me give you a piece of my mind!" That's the only logical or semi-logical reason I can think of why my instinctual cringing would offend someone that much.

F**k them! :twisted:

You may be right about what they're thinking, but it's not YOUR fault they're miserable with their lives.

Sparrowrose wrote:

I've learned to do the "automatic" smile too, along with a quick nod. I do this with everyone, whether I know them or not (where I live, it's pretty common for strangers to greet each other like this), then look down/away after about two seconds. That's seemed to be acceptable thus far.

Sparrowrose wrote:

And then there are the people who approach me. Every time I leave my house I have at least one conversation with someone who approache dme, knew my name, obviously knows me, and I have no bloody idea who they are. So I don't know what they expect from me and I just try to keep the conversation as light and neutral as possible while I'm racking my brain, trying to figure out who the hell I'm talking to. Just that alone is exhausting!

That also sounds familiar, unfortunately. Thankfully, I live in a pretty small town, so recognition has gotten somewhat better (though still not perfect).

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01 Oct 2010, 11:08 am

Coping with loud noise out in the street without any reactions causes exhaustion for me too. Usually when a loud noise occures near me, it makes me flinch in a way which attracts other people's eyes onto me. If it makes them jump, they will just look at the object making the sound, without literally jumping - but me, I flinch in a horrible way which looks like I'm having some sort of a ''spasm''. It also makes me choke sometimes, and my heart thumps really bad, and this ain't good for me because I do suffer from a weak heart condition too. So perhaps that might be the reason why I have a noticable reaction to loud sudden noises. The loud sudden noises what make me react to are cars bibbing their horns, police/ambulence sirens suddenly turning on, kids letting out sudden shouts or screams nearby, lorries braking to a deafening hiss, people sneezing loudly nearby....that's all I can think of, but some of these noises are unnecessary and so not only make me flinch but also makes me irritated.
And before anyone advises earplugs for me - you are about to give the wrong advice. I know damn well that earplugs are ''strictly forbidden'' when it comes to NTs walking past you! All that effort I make of avoiding them from staring at me weird will be a waste of my energy because wearing earplugs will make them stare at me more than ever.
It's funny really - you're allowed to wear sunglasses to block out the sunlight but you're not allowed to wear earplugs to block out the sound, and loud sounds can be just as disturbing to anyone as bright sunlight can be. (I don't mind sunlight, it's just loud noises I can't stick). People who use big drills and chainsaws use earplugs, so how come they can't become a trend to wear in the street? Life will be much easier, especially for us Aspies.

That's why I don't like going out in the street - you can't be yourself! NTs must be worshipped, otherwise if you break one ''rule'', they will emotionally suss you out and just immediately jump to the conclusion that you're a ''weirdo'', even though it's none of their business why you're wearing earplugs. I hate life.
I might start a thread to see if anyone else gets irritated at having to follow these ''street rules'', or is this thread sort of similiar?

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Sparrowrose
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01 Oct 2010, 1:14 pm

I don't wear ear plugs, ear muffs, or music headphones in public because bad things happen when I'm not fully aware of my surroundings, painful though it may be to leave my sensory channels open.

For example, I was n the grocery store, listening to music to block out the announcements and screaming children, and some parents let their chlid go running full steam down the aisle and smash into the small of my back with a grocery cart, pinning me against a freezer case. That wouldn't have happened if I could have heard him coming.

On a less dramatic note, people want to get my attention for some reason or other and when I can't hear them, they come up and TOUCH me. AIGH! There's just no winning.

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01 Oct 2010, 3:31 pm

It seems to me that most of you are trying far too hard. I do know what this feels like - I have days where I have no trouble getting up at 6am and swimming a mile before work, but don't have the energy for any small talk at all.

So I just don't do it.

Most of it really isn't necessary anyway. The people that appreciate you will appreciate you anyway. It seems really bizarre to me that you are expending a huge amount of effort to make pointless small talk with people you barely know. The most I will do is smile and say hello - if I feel like it. If I don't, who cares if they think that I am unfriendly - in most cases I hardly ever see them anyway (neighbours, people at work who I don't directly work with, people on hikes who I will never see again - why should I expend effort?). I do care about the people I work with and do certain activities with, and generally I don't have problems speaking to them because we don't need to do pointless small talk, and I genuinely care about what they did at the weekend etc.

I know an Aspie who has obviously been schooled in the necessity to small talk and greet people. Whenever I see him he comes up to me (and everyone else) and asks how we are etc. It is really tiresome and the NTs think so too because he doesn't have it exactly right (not sure what is wrong), but humour him because they know he is really trying. My impression is this makes things worse for him because people are always making an effort for him and pitying him and don't actually appreciate him as a person.

conundrum
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01 Oct 2010, 3:36 pm

Joe90 wrote:

And before anyone advises earplugs for me - you are about to give the wrong advice. I know damn well that earplugs are ''strictly forbidden'' when it comes to NTs walking past you! All that effort I make of avoiding them from staring at me weird will be a waste of my energy because wearing earplugs will make them stare at me more than ever.

Maybe you could disguise them as MP3 player headphones or a cell phone hands-free device. Attach "cords" to them at one end and link them to a false device. Practically everyone owns something like that.

Corum
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01 Oct 2010, 3:51 pm

Yes!! ! Even talking to people for a while tired me out, and the more I have to interact with more people, the more it exhausts me.

Regarding agoraphobia. I'm not expert, but I think the connection is indeed due to the forced socialising not the "being outside" thing.
- you could test this. Find the mall/town/etc that tires you to go to. Go there (if safe) at 4am when NOBODY is around, wander around, look in store windows or whatever. See if that scares or tires you out in the same way. Make sure its not just being spooked by nighttime!! but I'm ok with that usually.

I know I'm more relaxed when nobody is on my radar (house empty, walking in woods with nobody around, etc). I should spend more time doing that, now that I think about it.

tonin
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01 Oct 2010, 5:40 pm

Exhausting
Stressful
Guarded
Coping skills breakdown when exposed to people in close quarters
Breakdown emotionally when I'm given permission to let the guards down
Shallow breathing
Clouded, confused mind if I allow myself to get involved in conversation or decision making in a group
Downright paranoid enclosed in a building or pavilion with a crowd, like a packed ballet theatre or sports stadium.

The facade and performance of a well-adjusted, adventurous, free-spirited young woman was once so fine tuned that people, not only wanted to be around me, they wanted to be me, but they have broken down over recent years. The older I get the less energy I have to keep up the act. The older I get the wiser I get and I no longer pursue interests and employment unsuitable to my state of mind.