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Living a lie

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Everlong
Butterfly
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Joined: 10 Nov 2010
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14 Nov 2010, 11:40 pm

quaker wrote:
I wanted to share a lttle bit from my latest book which I feel others here might connect with.


"In my case it was my diagnosis with high- functioning autism, an experience I now see as a moment of true enlightenment, which turned my life upside down and inside out, yet I felt great relief in finally being seen and understood at greater depth.

As I was sitting in the waiting room at Preston Railway station, waiting for my train home to London after my evaluation and subsequent diagnosis of autism, it occurred to me that the imagery of the 'waiting room' in the context of this memorable day was very rich indeed. For although completely on my own, I felt very much as if I was now sharing the waiting room with someone else who was a stranger.

This stranger was my hidden autistic self, whom I had never consciously met before, because I had disassociated myself from my natural orientation to such an extent, in order to protect myself from the daily humiliation of being unable to fit into society naturally.

Do we not all, autistic or non-autistic, to some extent at least, cast certain aspects of ourselves, parts of us we deem 'unacceptable', into the shadowlands of our subconscious? Many of us wake up sooner or later to a painful reality that we need in some way to claim back and befriend those parts of ourselves that we have deemed unworthy or too painful to face."


I would love to read more. Are any of your memoirs for sale?



quaker
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15 Nov 2010, 3:46 am

I would be delighted to send my 1st
book free on pdf to anyone who
PM's me.

However,I would like to share this little clip with others on the theme of identity.

IDENTITY

"The crow that mimics a cormorant gets drowned." - Japanese proverb

"A man finds his identity by identifying." - Robert Terwilliger

At times there are moments when you look back at your life, and see how courageous and creative you were, living life as you did in a 'cloud of unknowing' concerning your difference.

In many ways you lived a provisional existence, and yet through adversity and through much grieving, you have learned to travel deep within yourself and find meaning and hope. You found your deeper self.

Your autism is all pervasive. It colours everything. It is a way of being and you do not see it as a disorder, however much there are difficulties with comorbid conditions associated with it. Autism and you are one.

You have lived most of your life not out of your true personality, but a personality shaped around others in order to survive. The pain from such disassociation from your autistic self has caused numerous psychological problems in the past and yet you have stayed with the pain of your fractured and deeply wounded self. Your identity continues to develop as your awakening autistic self continues to become more integrated.

Affirming your autism is affirming your humanity and in doing so you are acknowledging your deeper self on a deeper level.



quaker
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18 Nov 2010, 11:01 am

Hi Everlong

I dont think my PM service is working.....did you get my PM re me needing your email in order for me to send you my book?

I can receive PM's but unable to send them i think as they keep rebounding back to me.

Wishing you and everyone well from London.



Renagade
Toucan
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18 Nov 2010, 7:59 pm

Everlong wrote:
Who I am on the inside is not who I project to the world. I've turned myself into who I want others to think I am, while suppressing the real me. On friday nights all I really want to do is stay in my room, but week after week I force myself to go out. I drink more alcohol than is safe and turn into a fool; the crowd pleaser I always wanted to believe was the true me. But deep down I'm someone whom the world would not care for. The real me is abnormal, weird, different. The real me comes off as self-centered, rude, anti-social. The real me hates more than he loves. I doubt anyone would really savor the real me. Part of me wants to change, to eradicate what i've become. But 20 years is a long time to carry on living a lie. Who's to say that it would be wise to break free from its chains at this point?


I think what you need to find is balance.

Like yourself I’ve found myself wanting to be in, but end up going out and been the crowd pleaser on the dance floor. However I’ve also stayed in for a long while longing to be back on the dance floor.

Its hard to break away from habits unless you have no choice but to break away from them. For example I’ve found myself staying in a lot more recently because its colder, the rugby’s been on and the nightlight that I’ve been having has been a bit boring when its just me and another friend going out.

Now you won’t be happy been a full time Victor Meldrew. But your obviously not happy with who you are right now. What I advise you do is tackle this problem like an alcoholic would tackle their alcohol problem or drug addict would tackle their problem.

Here is a good step by step that I found -

1 Admit that you have a problem with drugs or alcohol. You may have to grudgingly admit that you are an addict or an alcoholic. Moving out of denial has to be the first step. Without this there is no chance of recovery.

2 Decide if you're willing to do whatever it takes to succeed at recovery.

3 Be ready and willing to change everything in your life - friends, hangouts, beliefs, habits, thoughts about yourself. ...

4 Connect with Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous - whichever one best serves your needs. You will need this support and fellowship.

5 Get a sponsor. Going to meetings will provide opportunities for you to meet people who will make appropriate sponsors.

6 Start working the Twelve Steps. Your sponsor will help you with how to do this.

7 Get some one-on-one counseling. You can sometimes find low-cost (sliding scale) community counseling services in your city.

8 Get physically active. Putting together a regular exercise regimen is going to help you clear your body of toxins, clear your head of negative thoughts, move feelings through you, and help connect you spiritually.

9 Develop an attitude of gratitude. Trust in the process.

Good Luck and also remember that the world works in its mysterious ways. You can read all about that in my recent blog post - http://damodances.weebly.com/6/post/201 ... -much.html



quaker
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19 Nov 2010, 3:52 am

I have been in recovery for 18 years
and the 12 step community has
been invaluable in me surviving life.

There is also a OCA which is a 12 step
group for people with OCD which is
where I feel most at home.