Asperger Meltdowns

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Yeah. I sorta had one today - and I am in my 50s! I have an autistic, bipolar g'daughter my husband and I are raising. She is 9. She has a slightly below avg. IQ. I was just diagnosed AS last month (about time I found out why life was soo hard). I don't think I am EXTREMELY aspie, but aspie, nonetheless.

When my g'daughter goes into a state of frustration and begins to wind up for a melt down ... I feel soo helpless and inadequate. I just want to call for someone else to come and take care of it. She rarely stops before going full bore. So, I recognize she is about to go out of control.

But, life doesn't work that way - I am the primary person who takes care of her. So I help her as best I can ... then I feel like s*** because I couldn't stop it from happening. I get emotionally distraught and brain fried afterwards. No fun. Then I get generally pissed and all my composure is shot for a couple hours.

(sigh)

My meltdowns are mostly internal. I experience overwhelming negative emotions, racing thoughts, and uncontrollable crying. I lose my ability to talk. When I'm in this state, I prefer to be left alone. Unfortunately, people usually assume that I want comfort. My most violent meltdown probably occurred just before my second attempt at the ninth grade, when my mom and I had an argument about me going back to school. I pushed and entire bookshelf over, screamed a couple of expletives, and left the house to go jump off a bridge.

I soo hear that!

My marriage (this one) is pretty solid. I love my husband and he is intelligent enough to understand ... and willing to work with me. But, when I am in a 'state' even he needs to just walk away. The emotions come fast and furious and I don't mind riding them out. I know they will subside and I don't act out as much now that I am - ahem - older. I hate the lingering emotions ... it takes me a long time to pull my shoulders out of my ears and trust anyone. If other things happen before I have regained composure ... well, then it's likely to be days or weeks before I level out. Not always, but typically.

I've had plenty of meltdowns. There are a few factors that lead to meltdowns. Fist of all, people with AS do not express emotions very well. Second, people with AS tend to feel emotions more strongly than NT's. People with AS don't always understand their emotions. A meltdown is really a release of unexpressed emotions. I've learned a few tricks to handle meltdowns. First of all, I sometimes express my emotions by writing things down. It makes it easier. I have someone help me understand my emotions and how to respond. This has drastically reduced the number of meltdowns I have.

Sensory dysfunction triggers, as well as frustration when we don't process other's cues fast enough or correctly. I think having children is the hardest job for me. They are mecurial, and in need of lots of Social Rule guidance. I don't feel equipped for that but if I am not already stressed I can step up to the plate ok. But, when I have an AS/bipolar child to raise ... sheesh. Her frustrations are huge, her melt downs come quick and daily, and there is no "time out" for me to process. I have to think (and guess) the way that is best for her at the time. It is hard to do.

I don't melt down... I shut down.

My worst:

1. If my favorite activity is interrupted.
2. If my list of chores/work activities is suddenly changed or is too long (maybe it's laziness?).
3. Sensory issues: misophonia.

I had to look up misophonia. Sounds like an extreme bummer. What do you do for that?

Well, g'daughter had two meltdowns today. I only had one ... har har. Mine was as a result of her first, and mine was done in private and pretty much internalized. The one she had tonight was because she literally interprets statements/rules and when she is in a social situation she inappropriately applies the rule. Tonight it was between her and a playmate. At 9 years old it is hard to appropriately deal anyway, but for her things can go south quickly ... (sigh)

All this is relatively new to me ... I keep reading and watching the message boards. I have purchased eight books this week. 4 of Temple Grandin's ...

I sometimes feel an extreme need to hit stuff such as kick chairs that are right in front of me, or hit my hand on a wall (which I do now, sort of- not the kicking chairs part, the hand hitting part).

My most frequent meltdowns so far occur when I'm in a car with my relatives. They have the unfortunate habit on talking about my worst habits while I'm driving (which I hate and am horribly afraid of). It usually ends in me shaking and (one time) slamming my entire upper body into the wheel of the car and nearly screaming.

I also had a moment when I was very little in which I was already tired and stressed, and a girl decided to run up and make a mark on my arm with a blue pen in jest. I had a full-out angry meltdown, which I remember every painful, uncontrollable detail of.

What is the difference between panic attacks and meltdowns to you all? I mean, to me panic attacks are usually just caused by me obsessively thinking about a bad outcome on something and getting myself worked up. While "meltdowns" are usually caused by intense emotion that someone triggers sometimes when I'm especially fatigued and stressed. However, that is just my experience.

Overall, what's especially scary about my "meltdowns" is that I'm so quiet/calm/controlled 99% of the time.

Edit: Sorry, that my post was so long. >>::

It's hell. And it gets worse with age (more generalization especially with people close to me). There's no cure, unfortunately. When I was taking clonazepam, it really helped. Unfortunately, no doctor will prescribe it for me because I abused it. I'm currently on Lexapro. It's not doing anything for my misophonia or my other sensitivity issues. All my sensitivity issues are a lot worse during fall/winter. I think it's the dryness (lack of humidity)?

I get 2 different types of meltdowns - the emotionally triggered type when I get into a pre-suicidal state and I just plain feel like worthless s**t that is triggered by social failure. Usually happens when I felt I did something that was a social blunder - but sexual frustration is a surefire way to trigger this meltdown in me.

The other type is when I become physically violent if I become annoyed by someone's behavor either caused by bullying, people not thinking logically - but my mom does trigger me going into violent breakdowns occasionally since she doesn't think the way I do and she complains about the smallest little thing.

lol don't worry about long posts!

As far as panic attacks and meltdowns go ... I guess I could get myself near a panic-attack if I didn't back off the gloom and doom/worst-case scenarios I think up about stuff. I don't think I've had a panic attack in 30 years so I must have a handle on that (stinkin' thinkin')

I agree with you in that my meltdowns are usually due to intense emotion, too. I am not a demonstrative person but I do have urges to hit or throw or break things.

I also 'shut down' quite suddenly if I am in sensory overload or have a flashback.

Thank you, I am known for monologues sometimes, so I fear about length quite a bit.

First of all, congratulations on getting 30 years without a panic attack.

I only shut down when someone I really like gets very, very angry at me and I can tell that they extremely dislike me at that moment, specifically. Then I turn into an automaton, and then break down crying later due to an extreme amount of feeling worthless and guilty. At least if I'm getting the "shut down" definition correctly in comparison to my own experience.

Oh, yes! That is my reaction, too. I freeze up. And shut down. They can get in my face and I won't respond. Weird, huh? lol Then I make my exit (safely) as quickly as I can. It takes me a long time to process the what happened and why, etc. of it.

I'm an emotional chameleon so if someone is angry or even sad I get angry. For some reason I don't pick up the sadness. Sometimes I do get so angry from this that I do have a meltdown.
When people try to force me to do things that I find difficult I meltdown. The latest one was when I was trying to cross a road. I hate crossing roads. I've got some spatial awareness problem. So I always cross at crossings or where there's a gap I can cross to and wait until the next lots of cars pass, so I don't have to cross the whole road at once. But the people I'm with they like to cross the road from wherever they're standing. Then while I'm panicking about when to cross they start giving me advice. Yeah, that can lead to a verbally abusive meltdown.
Then there are the sensory meltdowns. The worst are during flashing lights. But I can get one by walking around in the heat. Actually meltdowns for me feel similar to dehydration or exhaustion. I noticed that when I was walking home once. Anyone relate?
Lastly, are the emotional meltdowns, usually triggered by my sister or other people criticizing me.

Shutdowns happen if I internalize the meltdown for too long. I actually remembered I did have one at a concert and the drummer gave me his drumsticks. I prefer shutdowns because I just don't feel anything, definitely not painful emotions or sensory stimuli. Although sometimes I can't speak or move.

Similar to me, but I usually don't escape in time (but, thankfully I do when I have panic attacks). Then people try and help me, which makes the matter worse, and...I end up shaky, weird, and extremely uncomfortable.

@ pensieve: I prefer shut downs too. It's better for me to be slightly in control and have a shutdown than to be completely out of control with an anxiety attack or meltdown for me. Although my shut downs feel more like I'm very numb and disassociated with myself while being able to speak and move.