Anything you would like to ask an NT

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks to you too Cleo for the advices and tips

I am really horrible at faking, smiling, and networking LOL, but I have been lucky tho, there has always been a few nice people around who have been great to me. I will keep in mind the advices you gave me, surely it can be very useful to know all these things.

But are you sure I can't stop with the eyeroll tho? pleaseeeeeee lol (yes I am female)

Hi Guys! Hope you guys are doing well!
Thanks jojobean and shadi for the interest in my aspie love but its rather very different and much more complex.. but how do i wish it was or could be as taming the cocker spaniel non lizard dragons and riding to the sunset. and yes jojobean that's how wavelength goes!

and thanks for this shadi! I've been around and experienced a lot of NTs and the layers to who and how they are which just would always complicate things which could have been just better if left as raw or just plain simply as it is.. That's where I get those patience and understanding from..

And thanks cleo, that was an awesome very studied take on it and those are very true and I don't think I could ever expound and explain it any better than that..



Katzefrau!! ! hi! That's a very very good question a lot of people would ask that too..
Well.. this might lead you to other questions about it.. the answer is yes.
Yeah i think i'm just really that hyper empathetic like you said or hyper sensitive to people and even to myself.. I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone even to other NTs. Well literally you feel like there's this warm ball or something inside your chest when around or thinking of the person. Even if somethings about it dont feel right or bad, that feeling doesn't go away. Its also about having faith with love and with the person, when that faith doesn't go away or fade no matter what, and when you have this feeling that you want to believe it. Because I believe Love to be really strong; it transcends time, culture, religion, distance, reality, logic and even any consciousness, everything! That's why there are a lot who's afraid to fall in love such as myself because it could change a great deal about you like what happened to me. lol! It's almost a radiating energy. Having that said, I'll try to make you apply that to yourself.

Think of the feeling or remember how it feels like the time when you were sure you felt loved, even to the littlest or weakest feeling of it, okay?! Then be around a person or people you know that loves you, you don't have to talk to them. Close your eyes and try to feel inside if you could feel a similar feeling thinking or feeling from these people around you then that's the love they have deposited to you through time. You can focus better than me so you could do it better. Then think of someone that you think that loves you which is far away, if you still feel it then that's that. Then you might also feel a feeling that you want to believe that they do, believe it because it is real. They have invested, or was able to, that feeling to you. Somehow it always feels good and right beyond you're own logic and perception as to why it does. Then try that to a regular person there's no warm or fuzzy feeling from them.. hehe.. Try it, lemme know how it goes..

There's many ways to form a connection, even just by sitting quietly in a couch.. could be awkward but yeah.. lol! Anyways, you could do it by sharing an interest, doing things together and talk about whatever. Though connection happens in so many levels, what kind of connection would you like to have? and how would you feel or define connection?

Love for me is not so much something I feel. Sometimes I feel the warm fuzzies, but I dont call that love...just warm fuzzies. To me romanic love is a desision of devotion that someone makes as a result of mutual attraction. Love is a weird thing...it is very powerful and can give people superhuman emotional strength to endure anything for the sake of another. Sometimes I think it is evolutionary in that it is needed to keep the human tribe together because without it, we are destined to either fall prey to a preditor or self destruct.
I dont think as love as just purely romantic...although I kid about falcore, the love dragon.
Love is a force that creates a mutually benifical bond. I know this is over-logical, but I like to break things down to bare bone structures to understand them. Some times I feel things and not know why I feel them...no words, just a random emotion, so that is why I rely on logic to feel.
Some emotions I do not feel at all, like grief...just doesn't happen. People die that I love, and I feel nothing. Does it mean I never loved them? No it just means that I dont feel grief.
But I guess I am telling you this because I feel you need to know that your aspie love, may not feel love the same way you do, but it is still there. Alot of NT/AS relationships can get rocky because of the issue of what the aspie partner doesn't feel. When I love, I love with my mind rather than my heart, but it is still love. I am sure many other folks here will probably say something similar. Some of us, dont feel the warm fuzzies at all...even if we are devoted to someone. Aspies can sometimes have a different range of emotions than nt's do. Not a smaller range of emotions, but different kinda like the difference between celcuis and ferinhight (wow I spelled those wrong). Example I might not feel grief, but have you ever looked at something simple like a leaf blowing or the shaddow of a wrought iron fence and felt incredible beauty that was timeless and without words? I guess that may be what love feels like for you. I think you are brave venturing into the aspie world with your heart in your hand...I thought you might need a map.

I was discussing this with someone recently. My (brief and very simplified) description of love, the warm fuzzies you mention, I would call them "a little bit of love", the bigger the fuzzies the bigger the love, and I don't mean romantic love necessarily, just love, for anyone you meet, it can be an acquaintance that you think is a really nice person, or a friend you feel comfortable with, or a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. I think of it as something (feelings) on a spectrum, you can love a little bit or a lot. Of course it is more complicated then that, many different feelings, personalities, and "types" of love (platonic, romantic, sisterly/brotherly, etc)., but in any case you may feel a little bit of love or a lot.

i agree that love is not something i feel. and that might be a frightening thing to think about for an NT but there IS love. I just don't feel it . I know i love someone when i imagine losing them. If i feel fear, it means i love them. But i don't feel the love itself, if that makes sense. I have 2 children, and i know i love them because i turn into a wild lioness if anyone hurts them ( be it physically or emotionally), sometimes it is so strong that i prefer not to act on those feelings of rage i get for the offender.
I have a husband and i know i love him because we went through a rocky patch and discussed the possibility of separation once. I got terrified when i imagined that he might not want me as a partner anymore, and made all the efforts needed so we could stay together ( it involved moving to a different country. i'm not sure we can LIVE together, but we still are a family.)
So i guess not "feeling"the love itself doesn't prevent me from loving.
not sure how it would be possible to understand that from an NT point of view.
I never know if someone loves me though, the connection isn't there between my husband and i, if we want to be able to know we are still in love, we need to tell each other that it is the case. every day if needed. Even then i sometimes have doubts but i do as you do: decide consciously to have faith in what he says.
i'm not a "faith"person so it just goes to show how much i love him

edit: my sister and i used to play the "pushing people off a cliff"game, as kids, to decide who we loved. in your mind, put two people side by side near a cliff. who do you push? i agree it is weird. but it helps , putting the fear feeling into motion, to realise if you love someone or not.

Last edited by ediself on 30 Nov 2010, 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

thanks for this thread mate. its a good idea.

My question is about NTs having a conversation. What is the experience of this like? Can NTs read each others minds? When I see two NTs having a chat it looks so easy for them. So is it a genuinely stimulating experience just to stop by someone and say hello and have a chit chat? Or is effort required? The conversations could be with strangers or people they know. They just seem to love talking to people.

You know I wonder if love is really something you are supposed to "feel" or something that expresses itself in other ways ... is love really a feeling by itself? or more something like the urge you would have to protect your children? or your husband? the urge to make sure they eat well? etc

I think even if NTs ask themselves this question, it is not as simple as it seems. You think you feel love itself but what is it you feel exactly? could it be the sum of all the things you feel when you are with the other person? or the fear to lose them (as ediself mentioned)? and why do you fear to lose them? could what you call "love" be in fact certain needs that are fulfilled when you are with that person? or maybe you feel a certain connection ...

And I could go on and on LOL

okay.. so hi! lol omg so this is the part i feel stupid around aspies hehe.. you guys are very smart this way which i really like to be, if i could be; but i don't think i could. but at least i have you guys to be like that for me or let me see things through your eyes.. hence my interest. hehe..

anyway.. yes, love is many things. and to some it gives us many different feelings inside. And then the logic, thoughts and concerns and efforts are the act of love which you guys could see, define or describe this emotion from. yeah ok this one maybe i can't answer really hehe.. and i'll shut up before i dig my "stupid grave" any deeper. but its cool.. and yeah you could find ways as to how you could tell yourself if you are being loved by or loving someone. what's important anyway is that you are in a disposition with yourself and/or with a love one that you are happy, at peace and feeling safe and secure, that's how love could make you feel or a person that loves you makes you feel. everything feels or is perceived better when in love, everything is happy, if its a bad thing, its perceived less bad, if its good its a party of your mind and heart. you like or appreciate very much how you are and who you are with the person you love too.

no one can really define love, but what i ultimately know about it is, its what makes life worth while, worth living. a reason why you would want to stay alive. so in case of a lost of a loved one it would be devastating. it takes a way a part of you, a piece of who you are, a piece of your heart, of your reality. maybe to the simplest explanation that it takes away something you are accustomed to, like maybe breaking any of your routines. losing a person that you are used to of being there which you appreciate a lot, the lost of a person that you are used to make you feel good. yeah now its making me sad..

and this actually breaks my heart as to how much i really would want to show or wish to make my aspie feel how much love, care, affection and concern i have, and how good it feels and how happy i am that i feel such things for my aspie but so far it really seems to me that i can't.. i actually have this thread(click me) about it.. *sigh.. i don't know but its okay. i'm a faith person, plus i know i could find a way and there's always a way. the worst I could do is to give up hope.

moving along..

you're welcome and thanks too!!
Well the feeling depends, it could be pleasant, it could be not; depending on what the conversation is about, and where and how it is going.. we can't read minds per se, but when you know someone very well, you could predict some of what they are thinking, like if having a lot of information about an on going experiment that you know about very well, you could tell one way or another what will happen or how it is gonna go.. yes, it could be stimulating if you want it or if its a welcome idea for you at a given time. there are times where you do not feel like having a conversation too, that's when it's quite unwelcomed and would require mental effort, or not have what the chat is about fully understood. It's not just about loving the deed of talking, it could be what the conversation is about, whom it is with you are having it with, what it is for and how that talk is going or how it could be beneficial that the talk is necessary and loved.

does that help?

***uhm.. i would just also want you to understand what i just showed here with the use of the smiley, in case some of you don't know about it. The topic about love, where i frowned - i'm actually sad right now reading and responding to it, but its okay, don't worry. then i used smiley when i responded to robdemanc, it doesn't mean i'm happy again or the previous sadness is gone, i smiled to appreciate robdemanc's comment and to greet and ended my response nicely and show that i appreciate it or that it is very welcome to ask. just saying..

I lack in conversational ability. I can talk more easily, or actually, interject some thoughts here and there, if it's a topic I find interesting in listening to. I can be interested personally in other people but in general I'm not. It is draining and takes much effort to try and talk in a back and forth way, personal chit-chat. Historically, for myself, I haven't done very much initiating of conversations or sustained them in general. There's a couple people (NT's, I guess) I've been around through my girlfriend and she told them my problems and they didn't make a big deal over it and let me be in my head without feeling anxious over it by trying to force me to talk or get offended.. It helped me be more comfortable with them. I really appreciated it.

About love, well, theologically, I found love defined as 'will to the good of the other', and does not require fuzzy feelings. In fact, I'd think they might say that it shouldn't matter if you have fuzzy feelings or not but that you have this will to the good for others even when you don't have the fuzzy feelings.

I think this sort of definition could be used by atheist or believer.

i get a strange feeling when you say people here are smarter than you , why would you say this?
do you realise how much time we have on our hands to practice introspection and how many years we have dedicated to understanding the way we work and the way the rest of humanity works? we're only doing this because for us nothing comes naturally, so indeed we tend to "overthink what should be instinctive" , because we lack the instinct
it's not intelligence, it's a rewiring of the brain to be able to function at minimum level in a world that is designed for people who are very different from us...
you never had to think about those things in order to be accepted , so it is perfectly normal that you have less practice, but it has nothing to do with being smart or not

Very true! I loved my parents but I don't think I had much fuzzy feelings lol, on the other hand tho I remember someone saying "your dad is crazy" and I was angry after that comment, I felt defensive and protective of him (p.s. he wasn't crazy lol something happened and he was angry at someone). As you said you have this will to the good for others.




I agree. One important thing is that not all Aspies are the same, just like not all NTs are the same, therefore your friend is the only person who knows how he feels and could tell you. Some of us (either AS or NT) are nurturing, some aren't and prefer to be nurtured. And so on ...

I will try to answer in your other thread too, but the ones who have replied already gave you great answers, but I will try to explain my own way also, why I think they are right.


I don't see what would make you think you're stupid, I can tell you are very intelligent. Your ability to understand the questions and to answer them clearly is proof of that. And I'm sure it (your intelligence) shows in many other areas.

Hi! Sorry it's taking me quite a bit to respond lately and I kinda miss you guys too for being away.. Anyway about these..

Yes I do realize, but I'm sure it's far from the actual hehe because I just don't really know.. Well there's not really much meaning to it. Yes maybe its not about being smart but I do feel stupid sometimes hehe.. Because you were able to practice and come to understand many things most importantly yourselves to this world that you said; which I don't but wish I'm able to. I want to understand that instinct, kinda; if it's a reflex i wanna be aware as to why it still did that as a reflex, you know?! Something like that.

Like what I said in my thread I Think I Like Aspies.. - "Like if being in a wrong planet; i think i kinda like yours.." Yes, maybe I kinda am taking that for granted because that's easy for me, or because I understand this world you guys wish to be easily accepted to. Having understood the NT conscious ruled world, it is I now who kinda refuses it, it is I who doesn't accept it in some sense which is why I kinda like yours. In the NT world theres many levels and layers of being an NT or of the NT conscious that you have learn to get in to, which I was able to(those I wanted to, which are a lot); a good thing could become bad thing and the other way around, if it was just left to be as what it just really is.. And getting there, I realized such conscious is not so great, or I don't like it at all.. Then I get to learn yours, a conscious which knows how to be true to themselves and others, which is just very nice enough to just want to be accepted even when you find it difficult. When in the NT world its so easy to reject, ignore and refuse people when you know they understand or at least could. Do you know that I can't talk to an NT like this when I enjoy having a very honest conversation like this with you guys?! Something like that. And here I could be myself, I'm not afraid of getting judged of being stupid, ugly or whatever and you guys are kinda like that too here, which I really appreciate.. In the NT world, people can't even just be honest about something good in nature and even if they are sometimes, there might be a catch. Now you can't just be like that to them too because they might think of or make it become something else than just what it is..

Then.. Because you people also have the time especially to some of your interests, you also get to understand and learn them very well more than I do. So I'm scared to say something about a matter that some of you might be way way way more knowledgeable about than I am and invalidate my statement or thought, and worse misunderstood me and get offended hehe.. Plus you guys speak really well, you could articulate your knowledge about it or at least to me, and you guys really really know your stuff. As for me I just know it and I just speak like this, I think I know but I can't explain or say it like how you guys could.

Do you guys understand? because i do kinda feel that was a bad job of answering or explaining..



Hey Shadi!! ! Thank you!! Awww.. more flowers for you too til you're a flowershop.. See?! you guys are smart and I feel stupid again because I don't know what to say now and I was proven wrong though in a nice way and matter.. I dunno, I just always feel inadequate, i feel like i could have given so much more or it requires so much more than what I could give, even when I'm already first place in something. I think I just am an NT victim of the NT world, that I became too aware or too conscious to and with everything else.. Sucky..

Anyways, I think I should post some of what I said on here to "I think I like Aspies.." cuz it kinda explains it.. What dyou guys think?

And!! !! ! Sorry, this started to become about me! No! Hey guys do ask you're questions if you have any and I, along with others on here who might know about it will help you answer it.. Okies Okies .. So just ask..

....
you're just puppy-cute lol.....
we made you feel inadequate by saying you're smart, good example of NT/AS miscomunication haha!!
indeed i can understand what you mean even though it's like having the feeling on the top of my tongue, it keeps slipping away when i try to grasp it....we DID tell you "don't say that" , so yeah maybe that's not nice. You're entitled to your feelings.
i totally understand why you would start to feel awkward around NTs though. They can be quite annoying.
so i have one question for you:
i mentionned i was an aspie on a totally different website for NTs, but the post was about "emotions, being a "sponge"and being affected by other people's emotions"
i said i would like an explanation as everyone seemed to be able to feel the emotions of other people , i asked how they were so sure that they never got the emotion of the other person wrong. it was a reasonnable question, but to explain why i needed the explanation, i mentionned my aspie status.
i had 2 answers: 1) "no it's not magic, it's just the way it is, like when you feel it you feel it" ( like, thanks SO much for that pew i got it now )
2) "what is aspie? oh i know, it's people aspirant syndrome!"

and i'm staring at my screen...thinking, wait, wut?
what did he mean? i answered something along the lines of "yes indeed, it means we aspire to be just like real people....."
but lol, why don't they ever answer in a constructive manner??
most of what they say is unrelated or disorderly or off topic or just plain mean for no reason.....i feel like i'm talking to small children when i talk to them....
why?

Wahahaha! i love this!! That was wicked funny!! !! ! haha!
Thanks Ediself, anyways everything is okay, it was just a feeling or reaction not a feeling that i would dwell or live along by hehe..
About these i'm so sorry in behalf all decently and humanely concern NT's.. But yeah NT's could just be like that for many reason. One of which is maybe that its-not-magic guy, can't just really articulate his thoughts and answer in words as to his capabilities lol, or that's just how he is used of speaking or how he choose to speak. As for the not constructive manner too, which is very common to some people as well. Its just because other people does not put so much thought and effort in making sure that their message will be clear and understood, they just answer. Not giving importance as to why the question was brought about and/or how important the question might be for the person asking. That's why I said I can't talk to much NT's like this all the time, because they would just be like all these things. In a way they're taking the talk for granted in some sense. Now for the aspirant syndrome lol!! that guy is just trying to be cute or funny, he's kidding, i pretend to be dumb too sometimes to be cute, i'm quite good at it lol! but I only du it in person. but none of these are meant to be mean though, maybe you mean other else. The way they responded or what they responded with is probably and most likely nothing against you, just how they are. They just say what instantly pops in their head, i'm sure they didn't even know what aspergers is or didn't bother to look it up to know and find out why you were led to your questions and how to answer you sufficiently.. and probably they're in light carefree mood so, you can't expect them to be serious.. So, yeah, mostly that.. I'm kinda answering you as if I'm the one who responded those to you and that's how I could have derived my responses from.. does that help?

haha thank you getting ready to open my flowershop now lol

about feeling inadequate: so do I, very often, don't feel bad, you are doing an awsome job at answering our questions really

and there's no law against the thread being about you too, we can all learn from each other

And here's new delivery of flowers for you again!! Thanks, that was very nice of you..
And yes, we could all learn from each other, and in the process of doing so.. hehe..
so do ask! I changed this thread to - anything you'd like to as an NT, and everybody else hehe..