Useless advice from NT's

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Oh! Oh! Can I add one?

"You just have to get out and network".

I´ve been told this for so many years. It´s about like saying "be more social"- (I´ve heard that one too).

I will normally tell people, "You can try this ..." If they don't like what they hear, I say "I'm out of ideas." That is honest, but not too offensive.

When their is someone I don't like, people tell me to "ignore them". I guess people think this comes easily to me because I am good at ignoring pain. However, ignoring an annoying person is much harder than ignoring pain for me. I have got this about someone I have tried to ignore for the past year and a half and she has actually gotten MORE annoying. When I ignore her, she starts to annoy me more.

When I was a kid and was being picked on by the bullies and I would complain to the adults, I would usually get told to ignore them.
I guess the logic behind this was that "if u don't react long enough they will lose interest in u and pick on another person instead". I found that whenever I tried this advice It would never work as they would just keep going. If I moved away they would follow.

"That's something you will have to deal with yourself" <-------- I used to hear this one a lot back in the 90s, every time I told people I had trouble concentrating. Sometimes it is just not possible.

Yeah, the bullies don't give up, year, after year, they don't stop.

Also, they tell you to ignore the bullies, and then they tell you to socialize more. Who are you supposed to socialize with, if you are ignoring them all?

Back in the days grown ups used to tell kids to ignore them, now today people are realizing ignoring them doesn't work.

well that's the whole crux of our struggles, it's damned if you do, and damned if you don't...for NT's the interaction dynamic is "all or nothing" - if you appear too analytical of your social course of action, then it looks just as "weird" to them as if you're not observing proper protocol "naturally" at all!! Personally I believe the demonstration of some effort is better than none at all, if a given behaviour is not "natural" to you. This is why I have done well when going to foreign countries in the past, I learned some of their language, and customs, and since I was making the effort they really liked me, were smiling and laughing (not at me, but with me, which is more of a glowing feeling then the insensitive NT's in North America I've had to deal with).

I am in my 30s now and can pass for more "spontaneous" behaviour, but that is the product of years of trial and error and writing down my personal insights when I'm alone, to reflect upon- this is one of the pluses of the AS long-term memory, since my diagnosis at 27 years old, I have actually recalled instances in my early 20s where I wished I hadn't said this or that (even though there were no overt negative consequences at the time). I feel bad for the majority of Generation Y Aspies in the 18-25 group who find themselves on the outside looking in when it comes to dating, peer acceptance, smooth socializing, etc. It is something that (like myself) they will have to make sacrifices for through trial-and-error, inevitable alienation of others, so they can garner these "natural" social faculties to draw upon in their later years.

Yeah, I got the "ignore them" line too, with the same results. Another line I got was, "You need to try to be their friend. If you try harder to be their friend, then they will start to like you." So then I would go to school the next day with a newfound positive attitude and act friendly to them. They would pretend to be friends with me for a day or two, or sometimes even a few hours, and then take even more joy than usual in resuming the bullying with even greater intensity.

Yet another line I got quite a bit from parents and teachers alike was, "What did you do to make them (hit, spit on, etc.) you? You must have done something to provoke them. They wouldn't have done what they did without a good reason."

Here's a variation on the infamous "try harder" line.

(caps intentional here) "I JUST DON'T SEE WHY YOU CAN'T JUST ___(fill in the blank)____!! !! !"

Listen to me. I am doing, and have been doing, the absolute best I can. This is the best I can do. This is the hardest I can try. This is all I have. I am working my butt off. I am sick of hearing about what the fabled "everybody else" can do. I am not "everybody else." I wish to God I was. I am doing everything I can think of. I have made a ton of progress, but none of it seems to matter because I'm still not doing (fill in the blank) like "everybody else" can do. So you are running out of patience with me? I just don't know what to tell you. I have put in hours and days and weeks and months and years to try to do the things you want me to do and be the person you want me to be. I just don't know what else to say.

I hear this one alot-"Just get out there and talk to people"
If I could do that, I wouldn't have had a problem in the first place -_-

Sure you could. They just wouldn't like it

I had a problem with my parents wanting to show people my letters. Finally it dawned on me that my parents expect to be liked and assume those who write letters to them are used to being generally liked. I am used to being generally disliked, so of course I am more protective of my written word. No wonder they didn't get it.

To them it would seem like paranoia.

I'm 41, but I've been having more social difficulties in my 30s than in my 20s.

What happened the other day was, I don't know, I just sort of fell back to my immediate responses with no filter. Wasn't fun, and it caused a mild argument. I did it again last night, and it caused a larger argument. It wasn't like a conscious choice, just something someone said and my immediate response overwhelmed my "hold off and process" habit. The consequence is that I come off as far more confrontational than I intend, when I simply want to ask a question or make a statement.

I think it may get harder as you get older. I remember having some friends at school when I was 5. But as we got older, although I was learning social skills, they were learning faster. Now I find people my age, middle-aged, to be far too sophisticated for me to keep up with. Old ladies who have lost some of the faculties are closer to my speed.

I think I've lost some of my social skills, actually. That may be due to relative disuse, although I was noticeably better even eight months ago, and I've had some recent issues that has made it difficult for me to maintain (and why I'm here in the first place).

Yeah, ignoring them never worked for me either. What worked for me was violence against one of my main tormentors. I wasn't as successful in my ambush as I'd hoped, but I both managed to get him suspended (which my complaints had never accomplished) and he stopped shortly after that. So delightful that all those liberal teachers and principals who didn't even want us playing cops and robbers managed through (in)action to teach me was that yes, violence solves problems better.