Does anyone forgive easily?

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28 Mar 2011, 11:35 am

In theory, I will forgive but not forget.

But it doesn't happen in practice, because someone who has done something to either hurt me or piss me off, has never redeemed themselves.

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bee33
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28 Mar 2011, 12:23 pm

I can't forgive. At all. There have been two incidents in the past 10 years when I was involved in a large community and I was ostracized and bullied. It was so painful that it affects my life to this day. I am still ostracized from those communities. In one of those incidents, I even had a petition circulated against me, and I was voted off the board of directors of the community center in my absence. I am too afraid to even go back to that neighborhood or have contact with anyone who was associated with that scene. Those two incidents have had a profound effect on my life and I will never forgive the perpetrators or the people who went along with bullying and victimizing me. How could I? If they were to try to make amends or apologize, then yeah, maybe. Maybe not the original perpetrators but some of the other people who just went along with it. I could forgive them if they made amends.

But if someone stole my car or broke into my house (which happened) I would not have any emotional investment in what they did and wouldn't need to forgive, because I wouldn't hold a grudge against them in the first place. I'm also not very sensitive about offhanded remarks and the like, and wouldn't hold any kind of grudge over something like that either.

daspie
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28 Mar 2011, 1:04 pm

Aspiewordsmith wrote:

I don't forgive. My experiences most NTs see forgiving as a weakness and like a licence to repeat the offending behaviour.

Yes, therefore we should take revenge but in a systematic, thoughtful manner, as NTs do. It comes intuitively to them but we should think hard before deciding what kind of revenge to take.

bee33
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28 Mar 2011, 7:42 pm

daspie wrote:

Aspiewordsmith wrote:

I don't forgive. My experiences most NTs see forgiving as a weakness and like a licence to repeat the offending behaviour.

Yes, therefore we should take revenge but in a systematic, thoughtful manner, as NTs do. It comes intuitively to them but we should think hard before deciding what kind of revenge to take.

I don't think taking revenge is ever an option. It usually only backfires and makes your situation even worse, unless you are so Machiavellian that you know how to look like it was someone else's doing -- and wouldn't that only make you feel awful?

Ultimately, I think revenge will only make you feel worse, as tempting as it may be when you're alone hatching a plot.

ruveyn
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28 Mar 2011, 8:09 pm

My dad taught me not to get mad, but to get even.

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28 Mar 2011, 8:29 pm

I have always found it relatively easy to forgive, but sometimes only after some time has passed if the transgression was particularly severe. I never forget unless I'm sure that it is safe to dismiss something completely enough to forget it.

My hunch is that most aspies are more forgiving than their NT counterparts.

Zen
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28 Mar 2011, 8:35 pm

bee33 wrote:

daspie wrote:

Aspiewordsmith wrote:

I don't forgive. My experiences most NTs see forgiving as a weakness and like a licence to repeat the offending behaviour.

Yes, therefore we should take revenge but in a systematic, thoughtful manner, as NTs do. It comes intuitively to them but we should think hard before deciding what kind of revenge to take.

I agree. Besides, why lower yourself to their level?

daspie
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28 Mar 2011, 11:56 pm

Zen wrote:

bee33 wrote:

daspie wrote:

Aspiewordsmith wrote:

I don't forgive. My experiences most NTs see forgiving as a weakness and like a licence to repeat the offending behaviour.

Yes, therefore we should take revenge but in a systematic, thoughtful manner, as NTs do. It comes intuitively to them but we should think hard before deciding what kind of revenge to take.

Yes, one has to be Machiavellian, in other words have light asperger's. I have developed theory of mind and now I understand every aspect of social behavior after months of retrospection because I went through a lot in life due to my own egotistic and hyperactive behavior.

Quote:

Ultimately, I think revenge will only make you feel worse, as tempting as it may be when you're alone hatching a plot.

I agree. Besides, why lower yourself to their level?

Then how do you prevent such behavior in future?

bee33
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29 Mar 2011, 1:50 am

daspie wrote:

Then how do you prevent such behavior in future?

You don't prevent it by taking revenge. You learn to recognize bad situations and extricate yourself from them before they turn bad. Or use your new information to become more diplomatic.

gadge
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29 Mar 2011, 3:19 am

..I will forgive.. something done ..accidentally

I will never forget ..something done ..on purpose

..accidentally done,....someone forgive,.. will I

purpose on done ...someone... forget ..never will I

daspie
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29 Mar 2011, 12:17 pm

bee33 wrote:

daspie wrote:

Then how do you prevent such behavior in future?

You don't prevent it by taking revenge. You learn to recognize bad situations and extricate yourself from them before they turn bad. Or use your new information to become more diplomatic.

If I am in a group and someone does bad to me and if I don't reply then my social standard/status will be lowered. By taking revenge I did not mean outright war, what I meant was that you at least protest or give an indirect message that you are not to be taken for granted.

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29 Mar 2011, 1:23 pm

daspie wrote:

bee33 wrote:

daspie wrote:

Then how do you prevent such behavior in future?

You don't prevent it by taking revenge. You learn to recognize bad situations and extricate yourself from them before they turn bad. Or use your new information to become more diplomatic.

That's not revenge. That's having a spine.

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29 Mar 2011, 1:53 pm

daspie wrote:

CaptainTrips222 wrote:

daspie wrote:

emlion wrote:

I forgive people way too easily.
I find it harder to forgive for the little things than the big ones.

You forgave that punch also:). I guess that the reason why many of us, as I used to, forgive big things is that we do not understand their social implications as much as we can for small things. What do you think?

YES! Here, tell me if this is an example of what you mean:

Somebody stole my car once, and they found it a month later about 30 miles away. I never got angry, and even if I knew who did it I wouldn't seek revenge. Another time, some kids shot at me with a b.b. gun, and I chased them and smashed a beer bottle at them, but never really dwelled on it. Somebody tried to get me fired at a former job for something THEY did, and while I did avoid them, I never really tried to get back.

However, rejections, gossip, and being bullied have caused me to hate people for decades at a time.

Perhaps you did not get angry on the guy who stole your car because you did not realize the mind behind that action. When you got the car back you thought "all is well that ends well". But you did not realize because of asperger's that the intention was not well and you might not have got your car, which is a very expensive property, back. In second case I think again you did not realize that they affected your life by making you lose the job.

This statement was an epiphany. Thank you.

daspie
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30 Mar 2011, 12:20 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

daspie wrote:

bee33 wrote:

daspie wrote:

Then how do you prevent such behavior in future?

You don't prevent it by taking revenge. You learn to recognize bad situations and extricate yourself from them before they turn bad. Or use your new information to become more diplomatic.

That's not revenge. That's having a spine.

These are minor forms of revenges.

daspie
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30 Mar 2011, 12:21 am

Infoseeker wrote:

daspie wrote:

CaptainTrips222 wrote:

daspie wrote:

emlion wrote:

I forgive people way too easily.
I find it harder to forgive for the little things than the big ones.

This statement was an epiphany. Thank you.

Every one is welcomed

TeaEarlGreyHot
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30 Mar 2011, 12:23 am

daspie wrote:

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

That's not revenge. That's having a spine.

These are minor forms of revenges.

Not really. Revenge is all about getting back at someone, whereas the other is about making sure nobody walks all over you.

Some do take the latter so far that it crosses into revenge, but they are by no means the same thing.

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