Can you "feel" an emotional connection w/ someone?

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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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30 Apr 2011, 9:22 pm

Verdandi wrote:

I once couldn't stop thinking about particular people, but I was more obsessed with the idea of them than the reality.

I do that a lot. I get preoccupied with the idea and am disappointed by the reality. It reminds me of Pygmalion falling in love with his statues.

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30 Apr 2011, 9:22 pm

bumble wrote:

I have trouble feeling that connection, the only exception was with my son. With most people I can feel what I feel about or for them but cannot feel what they think or feel about or for me.

This, exactly. I can guess, by reading body language or tones of voice, what they're likely thinking or feeling, but I really don't know. I understand the "connection" in theory, but aside from my child, I've never experienced it. Not even when I was in love with someone (or maybe I wasn't...?)

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MathGirl
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30 Apr 2011, 9:48 pm

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:

Verdandi wrote:

I once couldn't stop thinking about particular people, but I was more obsessed with the idea of them than the reality.

I do that a lot. I get preoccupied with the idea and am disappointed by the reality. It reminds me of Pygmalion falling in love with his statues.

Me too. Most of my interest with people is scholarly. Once I have asked people specific questions, I can run out of things to talk to people about. At that point, it becomes difficult to keep a connection with them. Unfortunately, people end up being attached to me and seeking me out, at which point I don't want to dump people because that would hurt them. My goal is to help people, not to hurt them, so I still end up keeping fleeting contact with them. Keeping them then becomes very time- and energy-consuming, but I have no other choice.

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Verdandi
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30 Apr 2011, 10:04 pm

MathGirl wrote:

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:

Verdandi wrote:

I once couldn't stop thinking about particular people, but I was more obsessed with the idea of them than the reality.

I do that a lot. I get preoccupied with the idea and am disappointed by the reality. It reminds me of Pygmalion falling in love with his statues.

Yeah, for me the idea of relationships was a thing, but the reality of relationships was that I felt crowded all the time, and have difficulties with others' expectations. And ultimately, I didn't really want that kind of relationship, it was just one of the things that was expected.

For some reason I spent a lot of time trying to do what was expected.

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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30 Apr 2011, 10:22 pm

Verdandi wrote:

MathGirl wrote:

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:

Verdandi wrote:

I once couldn't stop thinking about particular people, but I was more obsessed with the idea of them than the reality.

I do that a lot. I get preoccupied with the idea and am disappointed by the reality. It reminds me of Pygmalion falling in love with his statues.

I've heard it described as "being in love with love." Even though it might not be love, exactly, love is intangible like ideas. Reality is concrete acceptance. It's easier for me to conform to the idea because I created it as an intangible and it is molded to my expectations. There isn't any disappointment. I consider myself a total idealist in this respect.
But, ironically, I consider myself a realist as well :cry:

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01 May 2011, 3:10 am

No. It is like terms making love: how in the hell do you make love? It is sex, nothing else. The only think you are making is either a mess, a baby or a mess and a baby.

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just-lou
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01 May 2011, 8:16 am

Quote:

I once couldn't stop thinking about particular people, but I was more obsessed with the idea of them than the reality.

I think this may be the case with many people, they just don't analyze it enough to reach that conclusion. They accept it as "love" without question. It's certainly been the case with people who profess to "love" me. It's never about me as a person - it's about them, and what I represent to them. The last person who told me he loved me just wanted a partner to slap a band-aid on his life and have sex with for his own pleasure. When I was evidently neither of those things, he never spoke to me again, so presumably the "love" died pretty quick.
I've been thinking about this a lot, though, and would very much welcome somoene who could prove me wrong. Someone who could make me feel something - some connection that wasn't built on selfish, dirty motivations. I'd like to be able to feel some connection - I've just never met anyone who has evoked that. The connections I have are usually based on habit or mutual practicality.

idiocratik
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01 May 2011, 9:29 am

I can feel an emotional connection, and I can be very affectionate (if it's a significant other). I just have problems saying the right things, or catching onto body language and other unspoken communications.

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Morgana
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01 May 2011, 5:33 pm

swbluto wrote:

This is something I've noticed in my life and I was wondering if this is a common observation for aspies. There are people who are "empathic", and there's something about their voice, their facial expressions or their responses that indicate they "completely understand" you and there's a certain invisible emotional connection that you can "feel" -- I don't really know how to describe it, you just kind of "know it". Some people have this 'empathic gift', and many people don't and it's certainly a gift that I'd feel extremely lucky to have but I don't really think I "have what it takes".

Has anyone else noticed this? There's a group of people in this world who are naturally empathic and you can "feel the connection"?

I´ve noticed something like this. Based on my observation of facial expression, as well as the words they speak, I can "see" that some people seem to be very empathetic, and seem to feel what the other person is feeling. This has always amazed me. However, I myself don´t "feel" the connection, even if their empathy is directed at me.

As another poster mentioned, I do feel my *own* feelings towards other people, but that´s something different; I don´t think I have the ability to *feel* another person´s feelings. In fact, I have often been wrong about what other people are really feeling. Sometimes I project my feelings onto the other person, and assume they´re feeling what I am, though I think I did that more often when I was younger....now I´ve learned to question these things.

When I make connections with people, they seem to start out as mental connections...I want to talk to another person because we share a special interest, or I find that person mentally fascinating. Eventually, I may develop a particular feeling, fondness, familiarity, or love....but I can only *feel* my own feelings. So, for me, "feeling a connection" has always meant whether or not *I* can feel something for that person.

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01 May 2011, 6:06 pm

just-lou wrote:

Quote:

I once couldn't stop thinking about particular people, but I was more obsessed with the idea of them than the reality.

It tends to become obvious to me quickly because the reality is never what I imagined. There's no connection, because the real person is not the same as the imagined person.

As I get to know people I tend to become less interested in them as anything but friends/acquaintances.

Verdandi
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01 May 2011, 6:10 pm

Morgana wrote:

When I make connections with people, they seem to start out as mental connections...I want to talk to another person because we share a special interest, or I find that person mentally fascinating. Eventually, I may develop a particular feeling, fondness, familiarity, or love....but I can only *feel* my own feelings. So, for me, "feeling a connection" has always meant whether or not *I* can feel something for that person.

Yeah, this, except I don't really think of them as connections. If this is a connection, then okay.

swbluto
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01 May 2011, 7:15 pm

Verdandi wrote:

Morgana wrote:

Yeah, this, except I don't really think of them as connections. If this is a connection, then okay.

Nope, that's not what I meant by a "connection". Man, this whole thread has meandered all over the place with the topics of "Love" and "Feelings one has for another person". Ick, no, not that! (I mean, yeah, an emotional connection is an integral part of "love" but it's a distinct phenomenon.)

What I'm talking about is some kind of mirroring where you're "tuned in" to that person's emotions, and vice versa, so it's like you're on the same "emotional wavelength" (That is, you share the same emotions and you're in some kind of emotional trance where your changes reflects in their changes and vice versa.) and it's like they "completely understand you" and vice versa. I'm not necessarily talking about intellectually "completely understanding every single word", but they understand your point of view and seem to know exactly what you're thinking and they're not judgmental about it.

Like I said, it's an "empathy thing", and some people have more empathy than others.

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01 May 2011, 7:35 pm

syrella wrote:

I often feel a sense of detachment from those around me. I can form bonds of friendship, but there is always distance in my relationships. To me it seems that there is a certain bridge that I just cannot cross, no matter how close I get to someone.

Some days it makes me sad. Other days I'm content to just being in my own little world.

Have been with the same woman for 17 years and still at the same level we were at week 4.
feels like I am just going threw the motions/emotions that are expected.

Verdandi
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01 May 2011, 7:43 pm

swbluto wrote:

What I'm talking about is some kind of mirroring where you're "tuned in" to that person's emotions, and vice versa, so it's like you're on the same "emotional wavelength" (That is, you share the same emotions and you're in some kind of emotional trance where your changes reflects in their changes and vice versa.) and it's like they "completely understand you" and vice versa. I'm not necessarily talking about intellectually "completely understanding every single word", but they understand your point of view and seem to know exactly what you're thinking and they're not judgmental about it.

Like I said, it's an "empathy thing", and some people have more empathy than others.

I am tuned into other people's emotions, but not like that. Like I said earlier in the thread it's more invasive and overwhelming. I try to block them out or get away, or sometimes shut down.

I don't recall having a "connection" with anyone like that, though.

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01 May 2011, 7:44 pm

it funny you ask i can and do often feel depressed if my mom is but aside from her, i cannot make any connection with people, and the connection with my mom is not always constant, some times i piss her off really bad and say the totally wrong thing, now do i feel emotions yep, but i do not understand them nor can i tell them apart, which is why i have a hard time understanding people.

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01 May 2011, 8:43 pm

I experience both. At times I can be incredibly detached - shut off. This is something I learned to do because my normal default state of being is to feel others emotions all around me whether I want to or not.

When it comes to people I want to share a connection with it runs unbelievably deep. When my mother was dying in the hospital - my father and I were standing in the hallway several doors down from my mother's room, talking to the nurse. She was insisting that we get something to eat. We were about to turn to head to the cafeteria when I 'felt' my mother die. It was a sudden tugging at my chest that was initially warm but turned cold and hollow. I returned to her room, blank and robotic. When my father looked in I just waved him in and he collapsed. I never did. I felt she had already said goodbye to me.

If that's not a physical connection due to an emotional bond, then I don't know what is.

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