NT Women...how do you deal with them as an aspie male?

Post Reply New Topic

Cmon. If you're an attractive female, and you approach a guy over and over, do you seriously think he is not going to ask you out? How do you expect a man NOT to ask you out in that situation?

Looking at you "like that"? Oh wow, God forbid! God forbid someone finds you *gasp!* attractive! Right?

You feel as if someone is being "intrusive" if they ask you out on a date? Ummm, how is anyone supposed to meet then? This is the problem right here folks.

EDIT: If you were abused in any way as a child or adult, or anything like that, I apologize. That would explain why you feel the way you do about men.

Last edited by johnnydangerous on 15 Aug 2011, 12:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How am I supposed to "know them well" if we don't go out, or spend time together? The whole point of dating is "getting to know someone".

It doesn't take that long in the NT world for a woman to decide if she wants to go out with a guy. I'm just not communicating, or doing something right. It's frustrating because I don't know which women like me in that way, and which don't, so I end up asking NOONE out now.

OK I think some of you are not quite getting what I am saying.

I don't ask out every woman I have a conversation with. In fact, I'm extremely particular with the women I do ask out.

I'm talking about women who, over a period of time, repeatedly come up to me and start talking. They go out of their way to come up and start talking to me. It's not like we are both sitting at a bus stop.

Now some of you say "she's just being nice" etc. ok fine, whatever.

When is it ok to ask her out then? When she flashes me her chest? I don't think I'd want to go out with a woman who is so sexually provacative to begin things, so I'm kind of lost here.

According to some of the people on this thread, when a woman talks to you it's ALWAYS because she's being nice, and if I dare ask her out, call the police because I must be a rapist. So how does anyone go out, or get a date then?

When is it ok to ask a woman out? When she sends smoke signals?

Because he's so obviously below the level I'd go out with? Because I haven't been flirting with him?

Are you honestly saying that all attractive females should not bother chatting to and befriending men they wouldn't go out with? All these men should be treated like social pariahs by these women? That the only use that these men have for these women is as potential date material?



Yes, intrusive, because the reaction to being asked unexpectedly by a repulsive man is "Ewww".
Are there any females you can bring to mind that you find repulsive sexually? Can you imagine them eyeing you up, and thinking they have a chance with you?

You asked a question. I and others answered it. If your problem is being puzzled, to know when a woman is giving you signals, then you were told about the hair twirling and her touching you.
If the problem is your being frustrated because these women are unavailable, then you have a choice - to keep on chancing it, and getting the reaction you've been getting that has now been explained, or to cut short conversations with women who you think are chatting and leading you on.

I don't influence these women - I'm trying to explain things that you ask questions to.
If you want to know how to improve your chances with these women, I'm happy to discuss that too.




If it helps, I don't have a problem with men in that sense; I've been married, widowed, and dating again.

The signals of attraction from a woman include leaning in toward you with their arms uncrossed and body facing yours. They will smile, laugh at your jokes, and often touch their hair. They may even make small physical contact with you, like touch your arm to emphasize a point or something. As with most NT communication, body language is more important than the content of the verbal conversation in getting emotions across.

If you ask out a woman who hasn't been giving you any of these signals (for instance, who has been sitting with her arms crossed and her body parallel to you and maintaining her own bubble of space around her) she might look shocked because she wonders where you got the idea she was interested. Or you might have missed an obvious cue, like a wedding ring.

Again, someone talking to you does not equate sexual interest and if you continue to assume it does, you will run into this problem time and time again. The nonverbal clues discussed in this thread provide a far better basis for asking someone out.

I don't. Granted my asexuality and general lack of desire for any human contact at all might play a part in that, but I generally don't talk to women much more than "yes. I would like fries with that."

I hear you. I tend to meet people through friends, so my way of getting to know them better is meeting them several times within the group of friends. (in theory, I haven't been out anywhere in ages, so this hasn't happened much this year. Most of my friends have got married and don't want to socialise anymore, but that's a whole other issue).

But I had a conversation with a friend once when he told me his friend liked my friend did I think she would say yes if he asked her out. I said, "no, she hardly knows him." He laughed and said, "but that's how she would get to know him better, if they went out." So I don't think you are wrong.

But take heed of what folks here are telling you about her body language.

Okay, I admit that I did not read past the first page, but one thing that you have to take into account is that as guys when we are not in a serious relationship(and especially as Aspies) any time a person of the opposite sex interacts with us, we think that they are interested in pursuing a possible sexual relationship with us. Women on the other had usually are not thinking about sex. As Aspies(and get ready for it)... we usually come off as dorks and that REALLY makes it so they don't even think about sex. When you proposed a possible relationship you hit her with something that hadn't even crossed her mind. That is why she was shocked. The idea hadn't even occured to her. She engaged you in conversation because there was no threat. She didn't have to be on gaurd. She saw no possiblity of a sexual relationship; therefore, she could talk to YOU comfortably. It is one of our many curses, that women like us "as friends," or, at least, in my case that is how things were.

Which leaves you with two choices:

you can learn to act more like a NT personality(ie. cool guy, sensitive listener, etc.). There is only a few that Aspies can "pull off." I found that the "cool guy" persona was the easiest to pull off. You just have to stand in a corner and pretend that you don't care about anything.

you can use your ablity to have girls talk comfortably with you to become friends with them and down the road they may "see past" your problems as they get to know you. Then, they may even ask you out.

I've had both work.

I'm married for almost ten years. I did marry another Aspie. My wife has not been professionally diagnosed, but she displays more symptoms than I do and I was last June.

Girls will talk to us because we don't pose a threat. I was told that I was a good listener a lot. It was because I didn't know what to say or when to say it, so I usually didn't say much at all. That is what most girls are looking for, someone to listen. Use your gift. Be a friend. We are good people by our very nature. Eventually, someone that is worthy of you will see that, but you have to bring them close to you before it can happen.

What I meant was get to know them as a person and as a person, rather than a potential love interest. Once you know enough about them that they become either a friend or a love interest, you know enough to figure out which you want to try. Dating people when you don't know them well enough to have a good idea of their personality is not something I would recommend.

This.

Where exactly is the window of opportunity? If you get to know her first, then she won't accept a date. If you ask too soon, she'll get scared and run off.

Yes, she will, if she decides that having got to know you, you would be a good person to date.
Again, watch for those little physical signs.

There are exceptions of course. For instance, I have waist long hair. So if I'm talking to a male, and my hair is whipping around my face on a windy day, me repeatedly touching it to get it out of my face does not constitute flirtatious behaviour.

Maybe it's girl dependant? I'm sure I've read female responses here saying that if the guy doesn't make a move within 2 weeks, then he's blown his chance of dating her.

Also, if the point of dating is to get to know the other person, doesn't getting to know them first make dating redundant? I used to think the first date confirmed the start of a relationship and then after that it maintained it, but I've been told several times in no uncertain terms that my idea is completely wrong.

Lol. If she's been putting out signals(those blasted physical cues keep coming back into the conversation, don't they?) for two weeks, and you've been ignoring them, the chances are that she would probably find it offputting, think you don't find her attractive, and give up.

However, if a woman is REALLY not thinking about you as a potential partner, asking her on a date out of the blue has a high chance of eliciting those startled responses the OP was complaining about.


The point of dating is to explore the possibility of taking it further than a friend-friend relationship. This means that she's agreed that she MIGHT consider you as a sexual partner.

That is why asking her out on a date when she HASN'T considered you as a sexual partner elicits that weird response - sex is a wonderful thing when it is consensual, but if you don't fancy the other person, it's the most icky and repulsive thing - think of someone you WOULDN'T want to think of in conjunction with sex with you - let's say Bill Clinton. So you're there, having a nice time with a friend, and suddenly Bill Clinton appears and propositions you. Celebrity/unlikely factors aside, would you be surprised? Outraged? Grossed out?

Oh, certainly, but the context was 2 weeks from first meeting, not 2 weeks from first signals of interest.