Do you ever feel as if people are patronising you?

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blooiejagwa
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10 Mar 2020, 6:15 pm

After having kids I noticed that overall people treat me with more respect ...even if they don't know about the kid part...
it might be because I look smarter now from all the experiences.
Yes the patronizing thing is there but upon reflection i realized it's nothing compared to before..
Actually before they didnt know what to make of me as they said in different ways..

And less snobby seeming (snobbiness was just people's interpretation of me before) because I can relate to them better and speak to them from a different level...

I noticed that being a parent improves a lot of things.


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Callisthenes
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10 Mar 2020, 7:05 pm

Only recently have I been patronized. Gained infamy recently due to insane and incredible act(s) of malice. I find it much harder being patronized than being disliked though. Being patronized leads to guilt whereas dislike leads to rebelliousness. Under normal circumstances, no I am not patronized though. I look too serious for people to assume I need anything from them, which may be my way of keeping distance.



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09 Apr 2020, 6:41 am

I feel like it a lot of the time with nonfriends and family members. That they pick up on me being helpless, and they assume that I have lower intelligence than I do, so they tell me a lot of obvious things I already know, and should be common sense. I guess I'm just sensitive to any potential people underestimating me, but it's a certain tone of voice, that's hard to put into words, but I'm all too aware of.

Like, they're being nice, or they think they're being nice and friendly, but talking to me like I'm a child. And like I wouldn't understand things past that level which is very insulting to me. People think I don't pick up on it, but I've grown very very aware, because people have been doing it to me since I was little.

It happens quite a bit at work, or when I'm in a big group environment. I get more quiet when anxious, and some people take my being slower to respond and how I present this way.


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zenaspie
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09 Apr 2020, 7:48 pm

I think when doctors do it, mainly those in the psychology-neurology field it’s kinda unexpected and bizarre. I mean as a specialist you have seen a bunch of cases like this, you have studied this, read books about it and it’s still hard for you to recognize that we are not 2 year olds and that we perceive stuff in general?
And I have been patronized by peers, I feel like between them they seem very connected and well aligned and they can easily smell the different. One day for them is a casual day-where they are social and going on with their day.. while one more day for me is one more day of practicing and growing my skills which they have already have had since like 12. A recent example was when I was walking at the zoo with my also aspie boyfriend and a neurotypical couple our age entered and walked past us, they helped us push a really heavy door and I thanked them and they just walked past while having a weird silent look on their face. I have seen that look from my mother when I say stuff I shouldn’t say. I mean I won’t even speak and people will know some things are off without even staying for a long time.



CarlM
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09 Apr 2020, 9:02 pm

zenaspie wrote:
I have seen that look from my mother when I say stuff I shouldn’t say. I mean I won’t even speak and people will know some things are off without even staying for a long time.

I know that look. Yes, usually from NTs who are close to you, my sister, NT friends, etc. Working in a STEM field, a little off is par for the course though, so rarely at work. My mother was also ND, so never from her.

Also been patronized by an aunt and grandmother. Then when the grandmother was very old, the aunt would argue with her about things she said to me, much to my embarrassed amusement :roll:.


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zenaspie
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09 Apr 2020, 10:09 pm

CarlM wrote:
zenaspie wrote:
I have seen that look from my mother when I say stuff I shouldn’t say. I mean I won’t even speak and people will know some things are off without even staying for a long time.

I know that look. Yes, usually from NTs who are close to you, my sister, NT friends, etc. Working in a STEM field, a little off is par for the course though, so rarely at work. My mother was also ND, so never from her.

Also been patronized by an aunt and grandmother. Then when the grandmother was very old, the aunt would argue with her about things she said to me, much to my embarrassed amusement :roll:.



Heck that’s awful of them :? I’m glad you have a good working environment tho, feels good doesn’t it



blooiejagwa
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09 Apr 2020, 10:13 pm

zenaspie wrote:
I think when doctors do it, mainly those in the psychology-neurology field it’s kinda unexpected and bizarre. I mean as a specialist you have seen a bunch of cases like this, you have studied this, read books about it and it’s still hard for you to recognize that we are not 2 year olds and that we perceive stuff in general?
And I have been patronized by peers, I feel like between them they seem very connected and well aligned and they can easily smell the different. One day for them is a casual day-where they are social and going on with their day.. while one more day for me is one more day of practicing and growing my skills which they have already have had since like 12. A recent example was when I was walking at the zoo with my also aspie boyfriend and a neurotypical couple our age entered and walked past us, they helped us push a really heavy door and I thanked them and they just walked past while having a weird silent look on their face. I have seen that look from my mother when I say stuff I shouldn’t say. I mean I won’t even speak and people will know some things are off without even staying for a long time.


I hope you realize that couple looking at you strangely are off not you.
NTs have a lot of issues they are not 100% aspirational and their filters can cause them to ignore the facts. Often they assume the worst simply bcuz something about your tone or facial expression doesn't match how they expected.

It means they instead of reflecting that their filters that they use to categorize people might be unnecessary or faulty.... They arrogantly presume SOMETHING about you is wrong in that moment. And it clearly was not. Unusual Appearances/presentation do not equal evil intentions


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zenaspie
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10 Apr 2020, 5:36 am

blooiejagwa wrote:
zenaspie wrote:
I think when doctors do it, mainly those in the psychology-neurology field it’s kinda unexpected and bizarre. I mean as a specialist you have seen a bunch of cases like this, you have studied this, read books about it and it’s still hard for you to recognize that we are not 2 year olds and that we perceive stuff in general?
And I have been patronized by peers, I feel like between them they seem very connected and well aligned and they can easily smell the different. One day for them is a casual day-where they are social and going on with their day.. while one more day for me is one more day of practicing and growing my skills which they have already have had since like 12. A recent example was when I was walking at the zoo with my also aspie boyfriend and a neurotypical couple our age entered and walked past us, they helped us push a really heavy door and I thanked them and they just walked past while having a weird silent look on their face. I have seen that look from my mother when I say stuff I shouldn’t say. I mean I won’t even speak and people will know some things are off without even staying for a long time.


I hope you realize that couple looking at you strangely are off not you.
NTs have a lot of issues they are not 100% aspirational and their filters can cause them to ignore the facts. Often they assume the worst simply bcuz something about your tone or facial expression doesn't match how they expected.

It means they instead of reflecting that their filters that they use to categorize people might be unnecessary or faulty.... They arrogantly presume SOMETHING about you is wrong in that moment. And it clearly was not. Unusual Appearances/presentation do not equal evil intentions



It’s just that my boyfriend probably looked scared of some birds that were free and they thought it was strange for a 19 year old to act like that and also that we should have been able to push that door on our own. I analyze behaviors and spend so much time excusing others. I’ve been raised in a family where I was scapegoated a lot and it has made me feel way inferior than I should. Yes it’s arrogant of them but I wish I could go outside for one day without experiencing this by salespeople or any stranger