Abused by those with BPD

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24 Dec 2011, 2:49 pm

SylviaLynn wrote:

I wish I could truly convey the respect and such that I really feel right now. I have no clue really what to do about folks with BPD. Theoretically my daughter has BPD (the eldest) but I suspect it may be a misdiagnosis or at least very, very mild. But....why are you letting the people in your life do this to you?

You can't change or help them by giving and giving and giving. That only enables them and exhausts you. I have been there but in another way. I have a friend who is a heroin addict. She was clean when I first met her, but relapsed. Then the manipulation began. I thought I could help her. She said it was a mistake and she wanted to get off the dope. She said she needed money for copayments for suboxone. She said she was out of money and her boys who I love dearly are hungry. Note: I am on a very fixed income. Her husband made 93K a year. So I gave until I came to my senses. No. The only way to actually help is to say no.

So, my realization. The capacity to love is a wondrous thing. But love isn't always nice and kind. Sometimes love is a b*tch who kicks butt. It really is ok to set boundaries.

The key to figure out how to help them with their issues instead of enabling them to to keep using. For example you can help someone with drug problems by encouraging them to get into rehab or other drug counseling program or support group, you can be there for them when they are upset, & you can try to help them with other areas of their life so they won't have as much of a need to use drugs to escape their problems. People have to want to be helped in order for you to help them thou & unfortunately determining who really does want help & who does not can be very difficult sometimes

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24 Dec 2011, 2:50 pm

fraac wrote:

It is. If you don't understand it I can explain at more length, but ultimately it's a fundamental truth and you either know it from experience (and reflection) or you don't.

Then it's unlikely to be anything I'll know because love doesn't stop me from thinking about killing myself when things look bad.

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Medication makes you a victim because it's a comforting lie. If you accept a lie, you're a victim. If you accept yourself and your connection to the real world, you get healed.

I'll be willing to agree that medication might make you a victim, but your generalization is far from universal. It was pills that stopped my high intensity panic disorder, and pills that have brought my anxiety under control. It was love that helped get me onto Medicaid and other state programs for assistance, but the material, concrete benefits of that assistance has done far more for my mental health than any amount of love.

Also, love can't boost my executive functions the way Ritalin can.

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24 Dec 2011, 2:51 pm

fraac wrote:

Symptoms are there for a reason. Treating symptoms does nothing to get you back into alignment.

back into alignment?..........what makes you think everyone started out in alignment? there was never a time before I had the problems I have other than the PTSD that did not happen till I was like 16 but everything else has been here ever since I can remember. The anxiety, depression and AS symptoms. I don't like to feel like crap all the time so I see nothing wrong with treating my symptoms in whichever manner I choose.

Different things for different people I guess.

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fraac
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24 Dec 2011, 2:53 pm

Maybe you haven't been loved. I hadn't until I was 29. It was very new.

Sweetleaf: okay, but if you tell yourself you aren't accepting a lie by medicating, that sets a level of wellness (your current level, probably) as your new equilibrium. As good as you'll ever be. You'll never find true love and health that way.

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24 Dec 2011, 2:55 pm

fraac wrote:

Symptoms are there for a reason. Treating symptoms does nothing to get you back into alignment.

People can better do things to improve their problems when they don't have the symptoms. For example someone who suffers from a bad depression might be able to change things in his life that contrite to his depression if his depression was helped with meds for a while

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24 Dec 2011, 2:59 pm

fraac wrote:

Maybe you haven't been loved. I hadn't until I was 29. It was very new.

Been loved. Didn't redeem my soul. The first few months were easier because emotional investment helps with ADHD, at least temporarily. Once that was over, I was my usual self.

Maybe I've just found that of all things available to me, medications have gone a considerable distance in improving my functioning. The very idea that "needing pills to function is making yourself a victim" is like saying "the only reason you can't walk is because you insist on using a wheelchair."

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24 Dec 2011, 3:06 pm

It's more like someone in a wheelchair living in a virtual reality where they can walk around. It's a lie.

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24 Dec 2011, 3:07 pm

fraac wrote:

It's more like someone in a wheelchair living in a virtual reality where they can walk around. It's a lie.

And you have anything beyond anecdotes to explain this?

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24 Dec 2011, 3:11 pm

Did Jesus have more than anecdotes? When you let yourself feel everything, all the bad stuff you've earned, and you connect to the real world you suddenly get healed. Buddhism is about this too. Either you know or you don't, I don't need to preach.

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24 Dec 2011, 3:14 pm

fraac wrote:

How is medicating accepting a lie? If I was medicating in the hopes it would cure me then it would be a lie but i have full knowledge that it only reduces the symptoms. Besides what if I never do find someone I love to have an intimate relationship with? I should just wait and suffer with my symptoms in the hopes that I'll meet some guy to save me from my pain? I think I would rather reduce the symptoms so I can get a little enjoyment out of life.

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24 Dec 2011, 3:18 pm

nick007 wrote:

SylviaLynn wrote:

I know. There is a huge issue with finding rehab, especially if uninsured or on private insurance. Insurance wouldn't pay for inpatient either for her or her husband. The number of patients that a doctor who is certified to prescribe suboxone is limited. Ironically, any doctor with a prescription pad can write scrips for addicting drugs but few can write scrips for anti-addictors. (sorry about wording). Believe me, I did all you suggested and then some. I did put up some very strong boundaries against enabling whenever possible. She has since moved away and is apparently doing much better. She actually appreciated the boundaries and firmness on my part.

The one thing I wish I could have done for her but could not is make sure she had access to a rehab clinic and the pills that could help her. That was simply not in my power.

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24 Dec 2011, 3:36 pm

fraac wrote:

Sigh. I've heard it all before. Positive thinking...love...faith...etc will heal everything. So, if you aren't all healed or you have a problem then silly you, it's all your fault for not thinking positively, loving, having faith...so on and so forth. I'm not picking on you fraac, it's a nice sentiment but it doesn't work for most. Enlightenment, nirvana, whatever you wish to call it is not all that easy to achieve.

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fraac
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24 Dec 2011, 3:58 pm

I'm not talking about positive thinking. That's another comforting lie. I'm talking about connecting to the real world, facing yourself in the most honest way. That's what all the prophets talk about, in their own ways. It heals you. And no, it's not easy.

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24 Dec 2011, 4:08 pm

fraac wrote:

I'm sure most of them don't do it deliberately.

Anyone can be cured with love. That's literally all it takes. Not 'medicine'. Buying into a system that says you need pills to make you better makes you a victim and means you'll never be totally well.

Ha ha. Cute. I guess you haven't had much experience with BPD individuals. There is NEVER enough love to go around for someone with BPD. Any attention paid towards someone else, any generous thing done for someone else, every single comment or action, is interpreted as a personal attack.

Living with someone with BPD makes you feel terrified, angry, empty, guilty, and hopeless ALL the time.

This is a very serious disorder. Good luck curing it with love. There isn't enough love in the world.

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24 Dec 2011, 4:13 pm

Tambourine-Man wrote:

fraac wrote:

Well based on this line of reasoning we should just seperate them all from society because there is no hope anyone with this disorder can ever have any quality of life.... :roll:

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24 Dec 2011, 4:19 pm

I know very well what they're talking about, fraac. Religion/spirituality/nondualistic reality et al = special interest.
One of the traps along that path is lack of compassion.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with using medication to deal with mucked up neurotransmitters.

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