Narcissists

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My mother is one...she most likely has full blown NPD.

Ever see the 'wire hangers' scene in Mommy Dearest? A similar scene played out in my childhood.

My mother was physically abusive toward me and punished me constantly, but let my sister get away with EVERYTHING (my sister is now a drug addict and criminal). This is known as the Golden Child/Scapegoat dichotomy, and is quite common in parents with NPD who have two children.

My mother ignored my sister and I, and never parented us at all. She never made us dinner. She sat in her room and watched TV and ate cereal, so we would have to fend for ourselves. She would beat me up, then claim the next day that it never happened. My sister and I began keeping journals of things that my mother did, just so we didn't think that WE were the crazy ones.

I remember one time she was crying hysterically because our phone or electric or something was about to be shut off, and she was screaming: "I've never paid a bill late in my life!" - meanwhile, there was an entire STACK of late notices sitting on the computer desk a foot away from her.

If you call to talk to her about something or ask her a question, she'll have the conversation turned around to her and all of her problems in less than 30 seconds. She frequently complains that no one loves her.

She once threw a fit because I asked if she could bring me a sub from the WaWa she was currently at. I was at work, which was on the way to our house from the WaWa, and I told her I would pay. It took a lot of convincing, and she finally huffed and agreed, as long as I gave her the money back. When she arrived at my work to give me the sub, she walked up the to desk where my co-worker and I were and said: "OH, HEY, SWEETIE! I WAS AT WAWA AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE HUNGRY, SO I GOT YOU THIS!" - Of course, I looked at her like she was psychotic, but said thanks and got my wallet out to pay her, and she was like - "NONSENSE, YOU DON'T NEED TO PAY FOR IT! I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE"

UMMM, yeah. That's what living with a narcissist is like. I escaped by moving in with another family member, but of course, that was a huge blow to the narcissistic ego, so I'm still dealing with the remnants of that move, some four years later.

I married one too! It was the best and worst mistake of my life. The skill in manipulation she had was insane; it took a long while to recover after our divorce. Years, I lived monk like, refused to engage in even flirting because I felt the need to repair the damage, massive complete internal physiological injuries sustained during the relationship.

My username is an abbreviated form of a motto I used to tell myself in the aftermath of the relationship, in an effort to keep myself going and functioning, and accomplishing things in my life I wanted. (I had to remember how to want things)
"Today, I will be Narcissistic savage, I will stop at nothing to reach my goal, and whoever stands in my way beware."

Yes, even after mental and emotional abuse, and finally getting out of the relationship, I still idolized her. It took a while to undo the damage, some of the first steps were to recognize just how far gone I had become, and that her effect on me was invasive, complete, and affected every facet of who I had become, and it would require quite the mental purging to remedy myself of it. My own little mantra was a perversion, and only reinforced my issues, and I've since gotten over such things. But...it took years...years.

People with NPD cause devastation in the life of those in their wake. Beware of them and be wary, they are better at manipulation that you could possibly imagine. Stay away at all costs.

ugh! This is killing me. This is my label, from my ex, my children and anyone they know. The label is a virus.

It first came out when I had meltdowns after becoming so stressed out by the really crummy way my ex was treating me. Looking for excuses to justify his infidelity, I guess to himself because I didn't see it for a long time, he would systematically push ALL of my buttons and then, when the meltdowns happened, he claimed I was trying to manipulate him into whatever du jour. Stupid me, I was in the middle of my incredibly busy life as a wife and mother. His fooling around didn't even enter into my reality. It wasn't an option. I simply wanted him rinse out his milk glass.

After I dared to end the marriage, he educated the kids about narcissism (his version) when really, they should have been learning about autism. They learned about my buttons. They learned about manipulation. Stupid me, didn't see it. I was stressing out about how my children couldn't clean their rooms or feed themselves; how would they survive in the world? I told my son a million times how to use a clothes hamper. Did he see that as narcissistic? Because, really... I would have only told him once had he displayed the slightest inclination that he actually could do it on his own.

So, I go to this site where people are instructed how to label their mothers as narcissistic. In my case, this kind of thing was used to destroy me. My heart is shattered. I can't count the number of times someone has told me no one likes me. Why would you say that to someone? Why would you say it to your mother? When did I become such a horrible person? Have they thought this all their lives and are just now telling me? Were they just pretending when they said they loved me before the divorce? Were all those smiles and hugs imagined? No... I have pictures. I was a great mom.

I'm really feeling bullied about this; like I don't have the right to exist by popular vote.

A good example of how things have gotten turned around is the legend thing. I did something about 35 years ago that was pretty amazing. No one had done it before or has done it since (there have been publicized attempts.) About 7 years ago, I walked up to a large, organized campfire in progress, where they sing and tell stores, etc... I was stunned to hear these strangers telling the legend of me, like it was a thing.

Several months later, I ran into one of the guys who had been at the actual event. My younger brother was with me. The guy told my brother, in front of me, that I was a legend and how the story had been told around campfires for years. I laughed but didn't say a word on the subject because I'm embarrassed about it. On the way home in the car, my brother told me that going around saying I was a legend was classic narcissism. This brother sees my older sons socially. It doesn't take a genius to deduce where my brother learned the traits of narcissism. He's not the brightest bulb in the bunch and didn't come up with it on his own.

I'm really trying hard not to be a victim but I just don't know how to deal with any of this. No matter what I do, I loose. I think people would be happier if I were gone.

Point taken. Lay people aren't qualified to medicalise their peers, and it's often suspiciously convenient for their own self-esteem when they do. I saw one Website which said NPD has been described as "a particular type of bastard." And NPD is easily confused with AS.

In your case, I can't tell whether your "legend" is correct or not. I wouldn't rule it out. In contrast, my ex claimed she was the rightful Queen of England by descent. It's hard to imagine a more cut-and-dry case of a grandiose delusion. She was convinced that she had been switched at birth, that the woman who brought her up was not her mother but a party to an evil conspiracy to usurp her birthright. That belief led her to cut off all contact with her mother......I repeatedly reassured my partner that I accepted her mother could well prove harmful and that if the idea of contacting her felt very wrong to her, she shouldn't. Without pressure, I offered to accompany her on a brief visit, to watch carefully for any fishy behaviour and to help protect her from any harm. She wouldn't even consider the idea. When after a couple of months her mother texted her begging her to get in touch, I suggested she replied just to say she was safe, for the sake of compassion, but my partner flew into a rage and wouldn't hear of it.

The other big diagnostic feature I know of, apart from delusions, is sudden desertion. In your case, the man was unfaithful to you, so I would think that alone would be enough of a reason to explain why you ended the marriage. In the case of my ex, I can see no reason why my behaviour would have damaged her feelings towards me so much and so suddenly. When said she was no longer sure of her feelings for me, I quietly took it on board and asked her to have a think and see if there was anything I might have done to cause that, as she had never complained to me about anything, though she had once in anger written a 37-point critique of me that she tore up when I said I was very interested but wanted to wait for a second draft written when she was less upset. But on asking her a few hours later if she'd thought of any complaints, she said no, and that she thought her feelings for me were dead.

The only other marker I know is an apparently very good correlation between narcissism and a stigmatising attitude towards people with mental health problems....people whose defenses are narcissistic are uncommonly apprehensive about those with mental health problems. Which is interesting, because a long time ago I was quite narcissistic with my first serious partner, and I was uncomfortable with people who had mental health problems. I believe I've made a lot of progress, and my behaviour seems to bear that out....I think I learned to adopt more mature defenses. I've no idea what my ex felt about people with mental health problems.

Dang, ToughDiamond! That's intense. Did she suddenly think she was the Queen of England or was she always like that? I mean, was she like that when you married her? That's so sad; that she was living whatever life she was, thinking of what it could be.

My marriage ending was anything but sudden. I wrote that for economy. I went through 7 years of emotional abuse before I came upon my socially acceptable reason to throw his cheating pig-butt out. Then, another two years of divorce drama followed by 10 years of intermittent custody harassment. He skipped out on the child support when he couldn't get his way - which was always because I was always right, according to the courts - which must have been horrible for him because he's one of those men who believe manhood equals superiority in all things.

But then, that's just my side. There are always two. I know I wasn't easy to live with because I've always been so different - out of sync. It makes me wonder why he married me in the first place. Oh yeah, I was hot.

But I don't like having to wonder if I'm a dreaded narcissist and just don't realize it. I don't like how having that label put on me by my bitter ex husband is changing how other people treat me. I think I'm a good person with a kind heart; I just don't let people walk all over me.

Hideous

I've personally been around schizophrenia, and schizotypal in family members, had a close bipolar friend, and have heard of the horrid anecdotes of NPD from others.
Seen someone with BPD.

My issues are on the cognitive processing side, and there is no cure, and I'd guess these NPD folks are in the same boat. Is this an inability to garner an the awareness of the condition that gives rise to the behavior?

Some BPD's seem to be helped through their "compartmentalization's" by therapy, but the damage is still quite extensive and evident via that neurology -- "they still do it" or succumb to it.

Is this NPD cognition faltered in such a way that they are insufficiently self aware to modify it, or even to realize that it is harmful? Is the external realization absent that causes the continuance of the behavior?

I suppose it must be because the professional consensus is that it is "very difficult to treat."

I'd guess there is a gapping hole in certain elements of this cognition for the destructive behavior to continue.

I think it scary because it probably is deeply nuerological and a sufficient control with drugs is out.

Last edited by Mdyar on 14 Mar 2012, 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was kinda thinking about myself when this song came on:

LoL.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkqcZsdadIs&feature=related[/youtube]

TheSunAlsoRises

I tend to look closely at any psychological concept( especially if there is a social component) through different lenses.

Can a healthy ego(as defined by Freudian Psychology) in a person with a literal mind and uninhibited behavior (in social situations) come across as being narcissistic ?

Autists (especially adults) always have to be aware of the diagnostic factors that drive these disorders because far too many have qualifiers similar to ASDs.

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/P ... spx?rid=19


TheSunAlsoRises

For a long time she said nothing of it to me, while we were just friends. She had always been prone to over-the-top anger about people who pushed her around.....I just figured she had a "thing" about it, and that it was her way of expressing her anger. In those days she would often rant about "vicious pathetic people trying to steal my life at every turn" - I thought it was just colourful language describing perhaps one or two unspecified domineering people who she wanted to get away from.

Then she sent me a couple of garbled text messages about the Royal Family having failed to stop a German attempt to wreck the country and the true queen stepping up and sorting it all out. Later she referred to the "so-called royals" and said that she thought we were the right ones to "lead Britain." I didn't know what she meant, so didn't respond to it, and she seemed to drop the idea. Then she said she'd found out her mother wasn't her real mother, and claimed she'd been plagued all her life by such people who had done their utmost to give her a miserable life. But soon afterwards she asked my advice on whether she should agree to meet her, I said yes but proceed with caution, she went, and later said the meeting turned out fine, and apologised for so often getting a bee in her bonnet and being so wrong about people. I seemed to be getting quite good at talking her down from her negativity, and she subsequently confined her strange claims to the occasional weird comment about the Germans and a few more run-of-the-mill rants about unwanted people in her life, until we began our relationship, when she began to expound her conspiracy theory once more, this time including the idea that she was the real Queen.

I had been rather distracted from all this by a more pressing problem - before we got together, she sometimes got confused about who she was texting, and I would receive messages that were partly for me and partly for somebody else - usually some ex or other. But as time went by she did that less and less, and I have no evidence that she had been actually texting her exes.

I never married her. We lived together for 10 weeks. But during that time, there was an evening when my estranged wife tried repeatedly to phone me, and I said "that's my wife calling," she said "but I am your wife!" - I thought she was speaking figuratively, and agreed that for all intents and purposes we were indeed married......living according to the same guidelines of fidelity and commitment etc. She seemed happy with that at the time, but later she got very angry and intransigent when she had been telling others that we were married, and I warned her that doing that would invite disbelief because people would notice that I wasn't yet divorced and that we had not had a wedding, that they wouldn't understand what she meant.



I suspect a really paranoid narcissist wouldn't have been level-headed enough to win a court case. My ex tried to fight her landlords, but nobody would have taken her written complaints about them seriously. Without directly criticising her obvious hard work there, I advised her that a more effective approach might be to look through their rule book and find out what rules they had broken, and then to send a sober, factual warning about exactly where they were legally out of line. I offered to help her do that. But she showed no interest....thankfully she dropped the idea of fighting them at all eventually.


What a shallow reason for marriage. Sure, mutual "chemistry" is very important, but one would hope for some assessment of compatibility based on personalities.


Boy, do I hear that!.........towards the end of the relationship, my partner's ex texted her to say that she shouldn't have to put up with my "control freakery." I still feel uncomfortable with that. A paranoid delusional woman, notorious for mis-labelling people as controlling limpets, one who never complained to me once about my being in any way overbearing, is told that by a love-sick ex who knows almost nothing about me, against a backdrop of her own hypocritical paranoid-jealous outbursts about my ex, and I still wonder, "was I being a control freak?"

Here's a list of everything I can think of that could have been construed as controlling behaviour on my part:

I pretty much insisted she removed her ex from her life, but only after he'd acted like a jealous jerk and tried to establish it as normal for him to go into her flat (for which he had a key) whenever he wanted to, by borrowing things and thereby keeping a foot in the door on the excuse of returning stuff. And only after she'd ranted many times about how my ex was hyper-dangerous to us and mustn't be given an inch, not even a thank you.

I also threatened to end the relationship once if she carried out her sudden threat (issued while she was angry with me) to go back to her flat for a couple of days (this was when her ex was likely to visit her there).

And there was a misunderstanding once where I had been saying I'd rejected a potential partner once because she wanted to be the "life and soul of the party" while I didn't feel I could keep up with that, being rather autistic..........she said "but I want to be the life and soul of the party"......I lost my temper and told her that if that was what she wanted, to leave me behind socially, then she could paddle her own canoe. I later apologised, having found out that "life and soul of the party" didn't equal "raver".....and I admitted that my recent experiences with her ex had left me rather sensitised to anxieties about other men.

I was also open about my feelings when she mentioned the way she'd been with a past partner........saying she'd loved him but had developed a crush on another man and left. I wasn't nasty about it, I just honestly explained that knowing that made me feel our relationship wasn't very secure.

I did call her a slag once. She had just (without warning) set fire to a letter, I said in a slightly annoyed voice "don't do that in here".....she went straight outside in a very revealing nightdress to continue her bonfire, I pushed her firmly back indoors, without manhandling her. I apologised for my comment later. She was fully aware that I don't like partners exposing themselves in public, and she had hitherto been marvellous about it. So it was odd that the incident happened at all.

I was a tad stern and cold during the time when she didn't seem to be accepting that we should both live by the same freedoms and restrictions when dealing with exes. If she'd asked for less restriction, I'd have considered it as long as I could have the same freedom with my female friends and exes. It wasn't my preferred choice, but I would have given it a chance.

I do have this tendency to lecture people when I'm wound up, and I probably went on at length sometimes trying to clarify her ex's machinations (e.g. underlining the point that he was chasing her and threatening us).....but the only thing I ever demanded was a bit more equality.

And that's all I remember saying or doing that could have been taken as restrictive.......looks to me like a guy trying to get some degree of equality and security into his relationship. But then, I would say that, wouldn't I?

Yes.
I stopped associating with him/her.
Yes, I think so. You hear that a lot on WP.

That was actually quite brilliant. That ^ right there is a few people I've known. It's like they think their blow hard antics actually make them look cool. So pathetic.

Nota bena: Sam is not just NPD but also ASPD.

You must not confuse the two.

Someone with JUST NPD is not violent and sadistic. In fact not all people with ASPD are violent and sadistic.

The only way to get rid of a narcissist it to completely eradicate them from your life. They will only hurt and destroy you emotionally and mentally. Confronting them will do no good. They will turn it back around and twist your words and attack you, and then go around telling everyone else how you hurt them, and they are the victim.

Right. You just have to move on .

My mother was a severe narcissist and very verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I don’t know if this was because of my ASD since I feel like she would have abused any other child, at least to some extent.
I was also horribly abused by a narcissistic boss a few years back and forced to quit my job. She treated everyone like crap but I always had a feeling that she hated me more. This is likely linked to my ASD traits. I am also highly educated and fairly attractive, a double nail in the coffin when dealing with narcissistic women.

My mother is a narcissist who dealt with drug abuse. She no longer is part of our family due to the emotional trauma she put my family though. I’d say the best thing you can’t o is cut the person out of your life (if possible.)