Positive Bf has aspergers. How do I confront him lovingly?

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I agree that it may make things worse, but you seem to be approaching it as if he is an NT. Maybe your not but that's what it seems like IMO. I have approached him with the whole your playing games thing, and he say's he isn't playing games at all and that he doesn't mean to make me sad. This man is torn, and I know can't fix him but I'm not approaching this as I would an NT man. If that were the case, I would of called him a self centered, narcissist D'bag an ran far far away along time ago. He doesn't have any friends, well 3 to be exact including me, the other two are men in their late 50's. He has friends on Fb but none that he interacts with in person.

Again I appreciate your honesty, but I do believe he doesn't do what he does deliberately. I know for my own self esteem and sanity I should leave but I care for him and want to be there for him. Also my question to you (paintingdiva) earlier was if you ever dated an Aspie? It seems that you either know one or have been hurt by one.

I would also love to hear from some Aspies, how would you feel if I just walked away from the r'ship if it were you I was walking away from, and would you want to be confronted?

Huh. I scored 136 out of 200 on some online test for Aspergers, I identify with the Asperger traits and it explains a lot of my life so far. My husband scored 19 out of 200, frankly I think he cheated on the test . I have only a few close friends, I suck at small talk and I can talk your head off on my favorite special interests....

I think you are cutting your man far too much slack with the "I think he might be somewhere on the spectrum" theory....

I wish you the best of luck but your descriptions of your interactions with him are just painful to read and I feel sorry for you, you deserve better. He is at an age where he will have to make a heroic effort to change himself.

You may as well get it over with and ask him if he knows anything about Asperger's Syndrome and what does he think about it. It could go either way, he will either say, wow what a relief, now I understand myself, or he will be in complete denial and angry at you for bringing it up.

Best of luck and I leave you to it.

Or he knows he has it, and is afraid to tell me and if that's the case with his personality he would still deny it. I'm sure of that happening and then I'm screwed either way. But then at least in the back of his mind he would know I figured it out.

You'd better get it out in the open instead of sitting there and stewing and wondering. There's nothing you can do if you don't talk to him about it. If you can't talk about something like Asperger's, how do you expect to be able to talk to him about bigger issues like kids or money or family or jobs or any of the things that married people need to talk openly about?

You seem resentful that he doesn't want to have sex. Please do remember that it is his right to say no--his choice. It's not something you "deserve" just for being in a relationship with him. I have never, ever seen anything good out of one partner pushing the other to have sex. There's no love in it if it isn't something you both want.

He does have every right to say no, it just upsets me that he will send me naked pics of him and text everything he wants to do with me sexually. Then when we are alone he's like another person. Shy, nervous ect! I don't get it! He obviously wants to spend time with me, but its usually dinner drink and sleep by 10:30.

I would love to find a man that was not interested in sex. Do they exist? Was married for 19 years to a man I loved, no sex; he wanted to be a monk. But then he had a huge mid-life crisis and all he was interested in was fornicating with a deranged married woman. He ran off with her and divorced me. So I'm left wondering if any guy can be sexless. Including no sex texts, no sex pics, no sex of any kind in thought or deed or desire.

If you want a relationship with this guy, tell him you googled his traits and find matches with Aspergers. Give him a print out. Shouldn't make him mad. Rather it's quite intriguing. Will he see himself in the printout?

I really don't know if there are any men who can be totally sexless! I like your idea about the " I googled your traits." and have thought about that as well but I'm not sure if he will get mad or not and I'm too scared to find out. (and he totally would see himself!!) I did ask him about 3 months ago if he was gay and he didn't get mad so who know's. I almost felt like I had the chance to tell him last night but I chickened out. Here's how it went...

We were texting a bit last night and I said... Your unwillingness to express any physical affection towards me makes me sad and completely baffels me, I haven't been in many R'ships but have never been with someone who didn't want to be intimate at all.
He said.... Not trying to make you sad.
I said.... I truly believe that you aren't trying to make me sad, I believe a part of you wants to be with me but another part of you can't be with me physically.
He said.... Not sure I agree with can't or where your conjuring that from.

RIGHT THERE I FEEL I HAD MY CHANCE!! !! and I didn't say anything about being asexual, or aspergers or addicted to porn.
(These are other things that are going through my mind)

So since I'm PMS I did the wrong thing and sent 3 texts back to back about how it has been extremely difficult to form an emotional bond with him, and how he makes sure the dog is in the bed and how I think he can't stand to be touched by me. ( not in that order but I broke it down here for you) I also once again told him what I needed and wanted in a R'ship. Not the first time I've said it. So basically that was late last night and he never responded. but that's how he is, so he will go about his business in his world and I will probably get a text tomorrow or next day about his car, or boat, or dog ect!! Like nothing happened.

Well he obviously sounds like he wants you in his life but has no idea how to respond to your needs or even your experience of his response or non-response. Sounds autie to me. Why are you scared of making him mad? You cannot be scared of a friend. If you approach this gently, calmly, with love, the rest is up to him. And if he cannot handle it you do not want that type of relationship.

My ex husband actually read an article about Aspies and flipped saying This Is You! It did not make me mad at all, just slightly curious so I read the article. I was not in a space then where I felt further investigation was warranted but I appreciated my husband's recognition.

You need to get out a piece of paper and make Pro and Con columns, and see if the Pros outweigh the Cons. Life is too short to be banging your head against the wall in a relationship. By all means bring up the Aspie possibility asap.

From what I've read no guy likes to be nagged or examining the "relationship" thing much. You have to determine what will make you happy. Don't try to change him. Especially if he's an Aspie he will find it hard to change. We get in ruts

Thank you so much for your kind words... I needed that!! ! I need to tell him, as another poster said I'm stewing over it, and I can't take it anymore. Should I wait for a text from him? And if he gets pissed and doesn't want to talk to me so be it! We have been through so many hiccups over miscommunication and there he is still in my life so I do believe he wants me in his life. I feel if he knows that he has it whether he already knows and he knows that I know, it would just help the communication. Don't want or expect him to change. If he does know and has hidden it from me for whatever reason puzzels me, because if it were out in the open we could of prevented to many arguments over his lack of everything. I would of understood more!

So if I'm not asking too much of you since we don't know one another..... How do I go about this? Do i wait for him to text or do I just go ahead and say something? My hands are shaking right now!! !!

Thanks

I think you are too unsettled right now to write or talk to him. Listen, YOU are the most important relationship in YOUR life. Go comfort yourself with some deep breathing, peace, lovely calm music and something yummy and nourishing to eat. Get centered. Don't even think about him. Visualize what you truly want in life and start praying, imagining, taking baby steps toward it.

If he is meant to be with you, it will happen, and it will require that you be poised and basically an angel hero to cope with a person with far different responses to life. But if true love is there; if you make your lists and find his positives are worth a lot of understanding and patience, then you must be happy within yourself first and foremost for it to work. An Aspie does not do well with insecurity or pressure. He will NOT 'complete' you. God and the inner you will complete you.

This is heartbreaking.

LEAVE HIM. This relationship does not deserve one more moment of angst on your part. You deserve better.

You and he are sexually incompatible. That's the long and short of it. This will *never* change. Additionally, he is unwilling or unable to talk about or handle your concerns, it's revolting how he deflects you physically and then deflects talking about the deflection.

FWIW, he does sound classically like an Aspie. I think his sexy text messages and photos he sends you ARE his way of having sex (that involves another person). I think this is all he's capable of. Additionally, Aspies have difficulty with confrontation, and it's hard for us to put our emotions into order and words. This is likely why he cannot address your concerns and why he keeps deflecting you (and the fact that you continue to put up with it).

So, you have 2 choices:

1) change your needs (if you're like me, that's not bloody likely), or
2) change partners (to a different man).

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you've turned yourself inside out in this relationship, for little reward. Why is it you're always at his house (or does he bring the dog to your house)? You've tried to bring up your needs in sensitive, constructive, playful, nonconfrontational ways.

This may seem heartless, but I don't understand why you've withstood this for 20 months. I've have been in your place, and it does not improve (why would it? everything's on his terms). Enough already. He's not a bad person, he just cannot fulfill your needs. And your needs aren't unreasonable.

Thank you again, you sound like a very sweet woman!!
I do feel like an angel for sticking around as long as I have, so many people have said run and don't ever look back, and I almost did when I first met him. I thought he was just another D'bag guy, but there he was as sweet as he can be with his boyish charm and a glow in his eye that I never saw in a man before, and never once did he pressure for for sex in the beginning, always a gentlman (but I obviously didn't know at that time that sex wasn't what he was looking for). I started to research Aspergers back in Aug. and from that point on I have been more understanding and patient and nvere bicker about the little things that bothered me before. I just learned to cope, but a part of me wants him to know I know. But I will wait like you said, or maybe never be couragous enough to say anything. Before Aug. and my research, i did say many hurtful things to him out of fustration, not just to do with sex but communication and other things like coming to my house for dinner and staying for 40 min to eat and running back home. Almost like he was having an anxiety attack!! Or coming by for 2 hrs and then leaving and he would only want to be there if my kids were home. I guess because he was more comfortable with them home. Or me getting mad that he always wanted to be alone and do things alone. i just couldn't accept that, now I do.

Believe me I go back and forth with staying/leaving. Just out of curiousity have you ever dated an NT? I only ask because I would think that an Aspie may want someone in their life like me willing to accept them.

A woman may have a need for a companion who cherishes her and takes care of her.

If this is a deep fantasy or need for you, it will probably not find fulfillment with an Aspie. Run.

If, however, your fantasy is to find somebody that needs you, yet will not show you how much and seems to take you for granted, then an Aspie is a good match. If you want to become a saint, marry an Aspie.

Have you ever asked him how he would feel about remaining good friends with you while you find sexual fulfillment with somebody else? Would that make him jealous or would he be relieved that the pressure was off him?

He would probably be relieved if i said that i just wanted to be friends. We kind of had the conversation before and i told him I cannot be just his friend. I would have to walk away and never look back, that's probably why he keeps me in his life cause he wants me there, more than a friend but not total lovers.

I would absolutely "NOT" be able to stay in his life and see him with another woman. It would break my heart.

You know... it does seem like you would be a better friend for him than a lover. You care about him; yet you find that he's not what you want in bed, and he seems to think the same about you.

It may be that what you have really IS a friendship that you're being forced to think of as romantic--maybe by social expectations, or maybe because you just drifted that way.

You know, girls and guys can be friends, and it can be platonic, and it can be just as close as a romance. My perspective may be somewhat skewed since I'm asexual and friendships are what I want most of all; but I really think that friendships are not secondary to romance--they are a different, but just as important, part of a person's life.

I don't know if it would work, to re-shape your relationship into the non-romantic friendship it seems would be more comfortable for both of you. As far as I can tell, that is always a tricky thing to do and doesn't always succeed. But, if you could, maybe it would be worth it. Maybe you could get to the point that you are happy for him when he finds someone who is compatible with him. Maybe he could get to the point that when you find someone who is compatible with you, he'll be happy for you.

I don't know. I really don't, and it seems you are in a tough spot either way. I don't think he is a bad person, nor that having AS (or AS-like traits) makes him a bad boyfriend; it just seems like you two don't really fit that well together. While you could make the relationship work, with a lot of effort (I have seen it done; like I said, there are successful asexual/sexual couples)--you have to ask yourself; you want it to work? Or would you rather try your hand at turning it back into a friendship?

Have you considered bringing your boyfriend to WP? After all, the relationship involves both of you. Maybe he would even gain some useful insight from reading what you've written here. You obviously care about him, and you seem frustrated at the communication difficulties between the two of you. I don't know whether his Aspie traits (or perhaps full-blown AS) are really the important issue here. Maybe the crux of the problem is just that you and he are trying to communicate, and a lot of the information is getting lost and garbled on the way. That can happen with any couple, whatever their neurology.