Toughen up.

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My sensitivities aren't so much to things like situations on the news, etc, as they are to any unfairness at all, done toward me. If someone lies about me, or to me, or if someone talks about me behind my back I freak out. I get extremely upset.

If it's true and somebody says it, or finds out something I did and talks about it, well that's life. I'm not happy but I'm not completely crazy over it.

I'm also very sensitive to others tone of voice or facial expression when saying certain things to me.

i actually feel very similarly to what you are saying here (sorry to derail Henbane). i think that there isn't any external meaning at all, and our brains are not quite intelligent enough to understand what we perceive anyways. however this idea leads me to an optimistic view because i am perpetuating my own reality.

i want the world to be a good place so i strive to make it that way and i tend to see the positives around me. this view is no less correct than a pessimistic view that tends to see the negatives, as both sides will find their ideas proven time and again. the difference is entirely internal but the effects are external; the optimistic viewpoint makes me happy and likely to reach out to people and try to make them happy too, whereas a person who views the world pessimistically is more likely to withdraw from the world and feel negative and bitter.

i also agree that Nietzsche had a massive effect on our current thinking, even if we don't agree with any or all of what he said.

My mom always tells me to "get a backbone." I'm very sensitive to internal and external stimuli, and I think my reactions just make people think I'm weak or being a drama queen.

According to some that is also the definition of growing up......so i dont want to toughen up or grow up.

To the OP...you have just recounted the story of my life.
I wish I could grow a backbone and overcome my enormous emotional sensitivities.

I don't know if I figured someone was weak I don't think that would indicate to me that I should make things even worse for them by being mean.....so I am not sure why other people see someone the percieve as weaker or whatever and see that as justification to go bully that person for instance. But I think everyone has strengths and weaknesses so no one is totally strong or totally weak.......why is caring considered weak anyways? that is what it seems to come down to.

Somehow they don't think what they're doing is bullying. If what they say is emotionally invalidating/diminishing, that's the recipients fault because in their mind they're simply "telling like it is". Of course in reality they are full of s**t and only say things based on their own distorted experience, how they were treated growing up, how they survived and dealt with their emotions, etc... which does not apply to the entire world even if they think it does.

I also agree that "weak" is very relative. In any case, going through life bottling everything up and pretending not to care about anything out of fear of being judged is not "strong". Fear-based coping mechanisms aren't a sign of strength. They're a sign of a dumb macho culture forcing conformity. I also see people who seem to think the purpose of life is proving yourself to others (or worse yet, to "society") as sterile and dull. In the grand scheme of things an individual human life is small and frail and only exists a rather short period. So we are all extremely small and weak when you really think about it. In a way it's quite beautiful actually, but you have to get out into the natural world to really appreciate it.

Hyper, you completely get my point with it. Most people lump all forms of nihilism together. I myself delved into it to try and really understand what was truly meant by Nietzsche. He himself from what I gather was misunderstood as well as misinterpreted to a degree. In the end it is a variant of existentialism.

Well like the lyrics in one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs say...Together we Stand, Divided we fall, the truth is we are all pretty weak on our own. I mean throw a human out into the wilderness without the necessarily supplies and they are likely to die within weeks, there is a reason people are social creatures and I don't think that reason is to try to prove how strong you are by pretending not to care and bully people in an attempt to force them to either conform or maybe off them-self in the event they can't conform.

What a fine discussion indeed!

and aspies have no empathy.....

Cohen and his ilk can get a big black dog up their respective ass's

I am also emotionally oversensitive. My parents think that it's because "they've spoiled me". So how do I prove that I am not spoiled if I can't help it? This is so beyond me.

Yep, people have told me this when I was younger.

In HS, some kids used to say it because my demeanor wasn't tuff or thug, I just look like a regular quiet dude (From a NT prospective), which I'm fine with.

Now, I hear these three words the most in my life.... ew, , F*** you looking at or what you looking at under their breath(Mind you I don't even be looking anybody in the first place....). Yes that, was a issue in the past for me but it seems like society won't let forget about it. Called me ret*d in all types of situations over the years. Those two words and that phase alone have ruined my life.

Now I know how 2pac felt when he made "All eyes on me" and "Me against the world" I know hes NT and all but a lot of the music he made consoled my wounded soul.

I've wondered where this idea comes from. It's like they didn't actually talk to people with ASDs when they developed the diagnostic criteria, as so many people with AS are empathetic or highly sensitive. Very strange.

To the OP: It can be a long process to toughen up emotionally and even then you still need to let down your shield occasionally. You have to change the way your mind reacts to things manually until your brain does it as a reflex, but a slightly tiring one. I did most of the work when I was a lot younger so my initial ways of doing it were cruder than I would have done if I started it much later. The thing is you really have to want it, even need it and be willing to work for it. It doesn't happen overnight. I only did it because I realized that if I didn't I wouldn't be strong enough to cope with my life and actually do more than breathe.

It worked for me for quite a while, but the cruder ways my younger self did it meant that I ended up tearing down some of my barriers. I am learning to again rebuild them because I realized that without the barriers I am more vulnerable to what other people say and do, to the point that I am no longer doing what I need to do to support myself and achieve what I need to achieve.

Wow can I relate to that.

I was pretty bad in that regard through school. The trouble as well, people could guile their way right into my head. Its a bit like you're saying - I had no real protective barrier to speak of.

I'm not sure what stopped that; I think it was significantly worse when I was on risperidal and antidepressants through school - when I got off of those it seemed to help me drift in a different direction. Prior to that I had plenty of 60's/70's macho sorts in my life who figured would help my parents out by shaking me down about my weaknesses when they weren't around (think of Densel's lectures with Ethan Hawk in Training Day just without the criminality).

I still find that overly glowing positive emotions can be too much to look at (ie. like I'm in danger of having my consciousness and control swept right out from under me), vitriol can get to me pretty quick as well but that at least it seems I have somewhat better defenses to. As I've gotten older though as well I've found less of the kind of extrema to really test me though and, particularly as I stay in things like martial arts (Kali, Kuntao, Wing Chun - stuff that's really built on application first rather than byproduct) and have more confidence in my ability to maintain and to hold my own as an adult - I knew that these things would help change my frame of reference to the outside world in ways that that would be far more significant than whether or not I'd ever have to use them.

The only other thing I can suggest - which did help me a lot for more general and less excaburated circumstances - you can self medicate with things like music and what not. Stuff that's harder, slightly dysphoric, pretty much anything that you feel is fortifying your spine in that sense seems to put your brain in a more dominant state and even if it feels hopeless - with practice that can slowly crowd out the incoming variables and get you to where more often than not you can pick and chose what effects you rather than being completely unprotected. I also had years of self-beating and self-bullying but I really wouldn't recommend that to anyone and, it did the exact opposite in terms of just making me look weaker on the outside (the human body isn't built to react well to more macho approaches to toughening up - particularly if macho isn't your natural default).

If you ever want to talk about these things more though feel free to shoot me a PM.

I always get some sort of silly comment like "man up" when I have freak outs before I start work. I've always been told to "lighten up" and not to "take things to heart" when it comes to my fragile emotional sensitivity. I'm very easily overwhelmed and have an almost constant feeling of entrapment. And I succumb easily to tiny things that I find extremely stressful but others would just not even think about it.

Unfortunately I have no way of changing this, apart from slowly learning to cope. But I feel I relate to Henbane in many ways.

Last edited by rabbitears on 05 Jan 2012, 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.