How important are relationships to you?

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How important are relationships to you?
I am on the autistic spectrum and relationships are not important to me 30%  30%  [ 21 ]
I am on the autistic spectrum and relationships are moderately important to me 33%  33%  [ 23 ]
I am on the autistic spectrum and relationships are very important to me 20%  20%  [ 14 ]
I am not on the autistic spectrum and relationships are not important to me 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
I am not on the autistic spectrum and relationships are moderately important to me 1%  1%  [ 1 ]
I am not on the autistic spectrum and relationships are very important to me 3%  3%  [ 2 ]
Answer in thread: Above options are insufficient for a full explanation 7%  7%  [ 5 ]
Other (want to see results) 4%  4%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 69

HighPlateau
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04 Jan 2012, 10:25 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
I feel I have to ask something, and it doesn't really deserve its own thread so I'll just post it here. It seems some talk about it as if their relationship would just be with any average person, or based off of past and not so great experiences. Would anyone change their mind on the issue if, hypothetically, said relationship would be with somebody ideal? Does anyone have their own kind of "perfect" partner?

I guess that kind of behavior or that kind of set of expectations may not be realistic or healthy, as everyone is different and has their own faults. However, "perfect" doesn't necessarily have to be objective(if there is such a thing). There are a lot of differing values that people have, and some may be a lot more important to others. Of course I would not want to be with somebody I disliked, but I think that is true for just about everyone. But to be with who my idea of perfect is, is something I strive for.

Perhaps I'm just more needy than others, though, I guess. It's understandable that some just would not want a partner at all or just don't care much. In my own experience, while I've always been a bit reluctant to try to approach people, it's sort of been a conflict for me because I hate the feeling of being maybe not so much as literally alone, but only ever being in the back of someone's mind and not being as important to them as they are to me.

Hey, Boxman 108, we all need people. It's a shame people use the word 'needy' as a putdown sometimes. It is fine to want a special connection that is balanced, where you rely upon each other, where you stop being purely individuals but start blending some of your edges, where you feel strong attachment to and need for each other. It's a natural part of being herding, tribal human animals. Most people seem to want something of the sort, but some don't, and many more are sometimes solo and sometimes partnered. Everything is normal.

Generally, people who have been through a few relationship learning experiences feel - similarly to you - that there is no point entering a relationship that you just know isn't going to do it for you, and that it is worth holding off until the right person comes along. I honestly don't think anyone would rather 'settle', so it's real a bonus when the penny drops that there are many who could potentially be a really good fit. After liftoff, the most important thing then becomes knowing how to handle yourself well, and an essential part of that is being able to forgive imperfections in the other.

Of course, it helps to know what qualities are essential in your ideal person. what kind of person you are looking for. Where it gets tricky for most people is the way in which we can imagine someone is our perfect person when they are nothing of the sort. The word 'limerence' was coined to describe this feeling that goes along with the early stages of romantic love. Although this condition is probably very useful from an evolutionary p.o.v. for causing people to want sex, it is very difficult to manage when trying to exercise good long-term life partner choice. The same selection criteria don't necessarily apply, not by a long chalk. My guess is it would be most useful to check out whether someone fits the template before limerence hits, not after.

To respond to your post directly, I do hope to find a new long-term relationship. I don't think it makes me 'needy' in a tragic way. And by now I know myself pretty well. So (assuming limerence takes a back seat for five minutes next time around, though I have no reason to assume it will :?), here are the criteria I would apply. Apart from ticking the indispensable integrity boxes (honesty, decency, fidelity, stability, basic solvency) and being free of harmful addictions, my ideal partner shares with me a zest for life, manifested in energy both mental and physical, and genuine openness to the possibility of new beginnings. There might be a few other bits and pieces it would be hard to get by without, including at least one reliable medium of communication, but basically I reckon my ideal bloke could come in many packages. So I'm open to the unexpected.

[verdandi wrote:
I can't tell if you're making observations or offering advice, however.

Yeah, sorry about that. Observations, based on my own experience, always, unless someone has actually asked for advice. Just don't like talking with 'I' all the time, it feels uncomfortable. Never know what word to use instead so move around between 'you' (sounds like advice), 'we' (too vague and all-knowing), 'one' (correct, but pompous). You see the problem. Hopefully I'll get better at it with practice. ]



Last edited by HighPlateau on 04 Jan 2012, 10:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

NiMing
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04 Jan 2012, 10:34 pm

In theory, yes.

In practice, no.

Too much drama. Too many variables out of my control.

The vast majority of "relationships" end up in proverbial flames and I would end up hurt.

Terrible, terrible emotional investment.



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04 Jan 2012, 10:56 pm

HighPlateau wrote:
verdandi wrote:
I can't tell if you're making observations or offering advice, however.

Yeah, sorry about that. Observations, based on my own experience, always, unless someone has actually asked for advice. Just don't like talking with 'I' all the time, it feels uncomfortable. Never know what word to use instead so move around between 'you' (sounds like advice), 'we' (too vague and all-knowing), 'one' (correct, but pompous). You see the problem. Hopefully I'll get better at it with practice.


Thank you for clarifying.

I don't actually see the connotations you listed for you, we, and one, but I'll take your word for it.



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05 Jan 2012, 12:01 am

Verdandi wrote:
Tuttle wrote:
My relationship is very important to me. I don't function well without him at all.

Relationships as a whole are very little important at all. I completely don't understand people actively seeking relationships.

As for what my relationship is, its someone who's always there for me. It's someone I can just be myself around. It's someone who supports me and who I support.

Pets do a lot for me too, but its a different sort. The pet, I do care a whole lot about on both levels.


I sort of expected you'd say something like this - and it makes a lot of sense.


Trying to think about it and I'm having issues with things drastically different than that view.

If you're in a relationship, then it'd make no sense to me if that relationship isn't very important.

If you're not in a relationship, then I don't understand people actively seeking relationships. I understand people actively seeking friendships, and sorta understand people being interested in specific other people, but that's all.

So I can understand people not caring about relationships, people caring a lot about their relationship(s) that they're in, and people being lonely as a whole, but not people actively wanting a romantic relationship and that being their goal.

I'm not sure how much of this is me having only had one relationship in my life - going from someone who people who actively thought was asexual to what's now been almost 5 years with the same person.

I understand though that people can have a different sort of lonely from wanting romantic relationships, its just only understanding that because of knowing someone well enough who does that.



fleurdelily
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05 Jan 2012, 12:07 am

I seem to need one relationship-- one that allows me plenty of space and alone time but I do not keep in contact with "family" or have even one friend.

I would call the gal who lives next door a friend, (she's bi-polar, and we joke around alot about our 'difficulties' which is pleasant) but honestly, I see her in passing about once every other month or so, and we never ever go anywhere together... so on second thought, just because we're friendly when we do cross paths, and we exchange tiny token gifts at christmas, that probably does NOT a friendship make.

So.... um, I have one husband. Don't want any one else for anything else, and I am not even talking about anything sexual or anything, just the subject of friendship. I do have 3 dogs, and they are my daily companions.

That's my world, and I really do wish the rest of the neighborhood had a little more room for the houses to be spaced further apart.... . I have people intrude into my zone uninvited way too often.

edited to add.... 127% aloof pretty much covers it! LOL


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05 Jan 2012, 12:14 am

Very important though I have never had one. Not having one make me consider suicide.
The loneliness and isolation that I feel deeply depresses me to the point where it effects my health.

I feel an attachment to my family and know that I would feel deeply attached to my partner. I am very jealous of all people that have been in a relationship or had sex.
I hate these jealous feelings because those people are not to blame just because they have been in love.

I am willing to take the challenge of a relationship and could make a great lover.
People are created to need other humans even if they are aspies. :cry:


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05 Jan 2012, 12:19 am

Tuttle wrote:

Trying to think about it and I'm having issues with things drastically different than that view.

If you're in a relationship, then it'd make no sense to me if that relationship isn't very important.


Although when I get into relationships I find myself wanting to get back out due to personal space and such. Which is one reason I'm not really interested in them.

Quote:
If you're not in a relationship, then I don't understand people actively seeking relationships. I understand people actively seeking friendships, and sorta understand people being interested in specific other people, but that's all.

So I can understand people not caring about relationships, people caring a lot about their relationship(s) that they're in, and people being lonely as a whole, but not people actively wanting a romantic relationship and that being their goal.

I'm not sure how much of this is me having only had one relationship in my life - going from someone who people who actively thought was asexual to what's now been almost 5 years with the same person.

I understand though that people can have a different sort of lonely from wanting romantic relationships, its just only understanding that because of knowing someone well enough who does that.


I don't really get people wanting a romantic relationship. I think my family looks down on me for not being in one. When I talked about this with my mother, she made it sound like being alone was a tragic horrible thing, and mentioned her sister. Now, her sister has been divorced for like 40 years. I suspect if she didn't want to be alone, that she probably wouldn't have been alone for four decades straight. But she simply couldn't see my perspective that not having a relationship isn't the worst possible problem anyone could have.



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05 Jan 2012, 4:17 am

Verdandi wrote:
I don't really get people wanting a romantic relationship. I think my family looks down on me for not being in one.


If you don't get it I don't think any words here will sufficient to describe how others feel about relationships and why they want one. I can't put it into words but then I've never been very good at describing how I feel about anything. Also, if you have not met the right person or had bad experiences then I can see why some may wonder what is so great about relationships. My life has been one long run of bad luck but I have to acknowledge I have been very fortunate in having my partner; such a good match is a rare thing I think.

Verdandi wrote:
I think my family looks down on me for not being in one.


I think your family should mind their own business. Too much strife in the world is caused by people worrying about what others are doing or not doing.



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05 Jan 2012, 4:25 am

nemorosa wrote:
If you don't get it I don't think any words here will sufficient to describe how others feel about relationships and why they want one. I can't put it into words but then I've never been very good at describing how I feel about anything. Also, if you have not met the right person or had bad experiences then I can see why some may wonder what is so great about relationships. My life has been one long run of bad luck but I have to acknowledge I have been very fortunate in having my partner; such a good match is a rare thing I think.


Well, if it helps, I am not asking from the perspective of "why would anyone want a relationship?" but just wondering if people can describe what they get out of them. I can think of all kinds of practical things that are actually fairly good (including increased lifespan) and my lack of interest is not directly related to having a bad long-term relationship.

nemorosa wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
I think my family looks down on me for not being in one.


I think your family should mind their own business. Too much strife in the world is caused by people worrying about what others are doing or not doing.


I agree with you. Once during an argument my sister actually claimed she was outright better than me because she has a husband and four children. My mother has said a lot of negative things about me because I haven't "succeeded" at all the things an adult is expected to succeed at. She recently tried to reframe it into worry and concern over how I would manage to take care of myself, but she tried to make it someone's fault, and not the fact that I just have that much trouble.



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05 Jan 2012, 5:42 am

I selected the second option because while I like relationships, I can go without them quite easily. I would rather be single than have a bad relationship.



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05 Jan 2012, 7:50 am

Phonic wrote:
Quote:
I meant primarily romantic relationships, not friendships or family (except spouses).


I really can't say then, I'm so cut off from physical contact with the outside world and with it; physical females my own age, that I don't recall how I feel exactly.

I think this is how I feel: Right now romantic relations are missed and wanted but impractical and arguably damaging given my current state, but when I have "recovered" from all my c**p I think finding a partner would become moderately important to me.

Though even thinking about it has caused something very unexpected: butterflies in my stomach, who'd have thought I cared so much.

There is one friendship that is very important with me and is interacted with everyday

Take this from someone twice your age: It may seem pain in the arse to L&D now, but as you get older, it would harden exponentially to the level it would seem next to impossible (considering the expectable outcome). Reason: Do you know what a refuse / reject / residue is and what are the implications?



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05 Jan 2012, 8:35 am

Verdandi wrote:
Well, if it helps, I am not asking from the perspective of "why would anyone want a relationship?" but just wondering if people can describe what they get out of them. I can think of all kinds of practical things that are actually fairly good (including increased lifespan) and my lack of interest is not directly related to having a bad long-term relationship.


I remember I had a teacher that never married, and she really was of the self contained sort to not seek out relationships. She taught law, government and world history, btw.

If something came here way, as the conditions being right, might have made her mosey on over to this path and slowly step up onto the bandwagon ride of matrimony. Some people don't need it as much. Maybe her niche in life was her bond with the class. I recall another of mine who was of the same mindset.

And my mother always said she'd never marry again. "Once the Romeo & Juliet phase was over, the imperfections ride on your nerves." The whole package can smother if you are independent and can think objectively on your own. This may be a factor at play in this. She had many friends so she probably got something out of it in this way.

I get the impression on 2nd and third marriages, and in older people, that money or assets outweigh any romantic desires in these decisions. I'd bet it boils down to a companionate type bond and is just another part that enhances them overall. No overriding desire to do it, it's just a happenstance convenience that chanced their way.



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05 Jan 2012, 12:00 pm

I'm always fond of a relationship so long as I'm with the right person. I would hate to put myself in a relationship just for the sake of being one and would hate to use someone like I have been used in the past. :? I'd rather just wait to find someone who can reciprocate the affection I have towards them rather than be with someone because it is convenient for them.


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05 Jan 2012, 2:41 pm

I would say relationships are important as you want to be with someone spend some time do things together and it does play a vital role in life.



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05 Jan 2012, 2:44 pm

I'll never be married. I need my space plus I don't have sex.



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05 Jan 2012, 3:16 pm

Never really been in one, so I can't say whether they are important to me or not. I like the idea of being taken care of/taking care of someone. Plus cuddles. And having someone to go places with. I am either uninterested or most probably uncapable of handling all the rest, so I have kind of given up. I can live well enough without.


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