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i am an aspie trapped in the neurotypical world, how?

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nirrti_rachelle
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19 Jan 2012, 7:20 am

Aldran wrote:
For all the disagreement about "Suck it up and deal with it" going on, I believe it is drivel. There are myriad reasons I believe for people using that kind of response, not the least of which can be things like "Well, I had a hard time too, why should I help them any, they should have to figure it out on their own!", or "Ha, why should I care about them?" Amongst many other really nasty possible beliefs.


Meh. Unfortunately, that's how our society has become. People think you're either supposed to do it all on your own without any help or you don't deserve to exist. We have become such an non-compassionate and cruel culture and aspies often receive the brunt of the consequences.

As for how to make it in a neurotypical world, I'm 37 years old and I'm still trying to figure it out. So don't feel so bad for not knowing already. I would say just take it one day at a time, find out what it is you love about life and bring more of that into it.

Stop trying to be indistinguishable from NTs. That will not happen and only cause frustration, self hatred, and burnout. Only make a real effort in acting "normal" if the person you're trying to impress is the one who decides whether you get a paycheck, a college degree, is your client/customer, or your landlord.


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19 Jan 2012, 7:50 am

nirrti_rachelle wrote:
People think you're either supposed to do it all on your own without any help or you don't deserve to exist.


I've experienced that a lot too.

I've also experienced people just having a fit and/or saying you are lying just for saying you can't do something, even if you are fine with not being able to do it and it isn't even important. Since they can do it they believe everyone can do it. I thought we were supposed to be the ones with bad theory of mind.

There is a boss in an online game I play that is impossible for me to beat yet I've even had people say I'm lying or trolling just because I have high stats.

If the subject comes up and I mention that I can't ride a bike my friends insist that I'm wrong and that I never tried.



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19 Jan 2012, 12:03 pm

My biggest frustration is when other people try to analyze my motives. They pick what is familiar to them and are almost always WAY off. I reason that if they really cared about me, they could help. Some seem to act like they'd like to help but they just can't figure out how and I seem to be unable to verbalize what I need in a way they can understand.

Because I've been trying to be Normal all my life (I'm 52) I'm seen as a big phony. Everything about me is fake. Sometimes I'm not even sure who I am myself. I'm working on it.

Suck it up is all that's left - actually, I HATE that phrase. I use Just Do It. This is my mantra, along with "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." I have no time for self-pity. I raised FOUR children to adult-hood with a contentious husband at first and later, a hateful, unforgiving, backstabbing, evil, POS ex-husband. It was extremely hard, but dammit, I did it and all 4 kids are self-supporting adults who tell me they're happy. No one was there for me and the kids still needed to eat and have shoes and all that, so I just put myself aside and did it. That's what sucking it up means. Stop wasting your time feeling sorry for yourself and just do it. Get SOMETHING done. This is what being an adult is all about.

Moaning, complaining, and crying about how no one is living your life for you is only going to bring you more sadness and isolation. No one wants to be around a person who just feels sorry for themselves all the time. I know because I've put in some poor-me time. The results are almost always the same.

Getting outside of yourself and getting anything done can bring satisfaction... pleasure, even. Is life still crappy? Yeah... probably, but not as much, and that's something.


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19 Jan 2012, 12:49 pm

camelCase wrote:
This discussion brings me back to my thoughts on the whole "theory of mind" thing. I seriously doubt it is actually that NT people are good at predicting/reading thoughts, motivations, etc. As far as I can see, it is more like NT people are programmed to deal only with NT people. They are probably less capable of understanding people who are different than them than folks with ASD.


I agree. I think the vast majority of people have trouble understanding anyone who is significantly different from them. Even NTs dealing with other NTs hit a wall dealing with things like cultural differences. In the US people can have pretty vast differences just being from different neighborhoods.



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19 Jan 2012, 12:54 pm

unduki wrote:
gyaspie wrote:
i am an aspie trapped in the neurotypical world, what should i do? :(


Great post. I've enjoyed reading all the different viewpoints.

Being the odd person out isn't the worst thing in the world and if you can alter your perspective, it can be a good thing.

Of course NTs don't understand you; you're not like everyone else/ with what they're familiar and comfortable. Insisting they conform to your ideology is ludicrous. Why should they? Discernment takes energy and effort. You're the ONE who's different.

I think if you can believe yourself to be unique, rare and very valuable, which you are, you will begin to convince others of the same. NTs pick up on this kind of stuff without knowing and can be easily swayed by unconscious means, no matter how un-intentional on your part.

I've always been very affected by what others think of me - or what I perceive they think of me. (Actually, people seem to be freely verbal with me - like it's their right to openly criticize me to my face.) It can be very limiting. I keep track, rating and filing the comments in my special way. Telling me it doesn't matter what others think doesn't help because I know it does, but I've developed several methods of overlooking instances that might have sent me underground in the past.

If enough people I can respect tell me a thing, I figure it's something I can work on. Google or Bing can be very helpful. Learning about Asperger's has given me a better understanding of what's really going on. I have more choices in how to deal and I feel better about myself without as much effort.

Negative emotions are like drugs. It's hard to suck it up and get over them, but if you take it one step at a time, you will make progress. If you choose to do nothing, you won't. There aren't any short cuts so the sooner you get it over with, the better.

Everyone makes their own choices. Me, I choose to be happy regardless of NTs or circumstance, or anything. It's illogical to choose to be unhappy.

Since I'm human, I use crutches, for lack of a better term. I watch comedy on TV, seek out a favorite friend, listen to happy music, go for a walk with my dogs or just smile. Did you know that the simple act of smiling, whether you feel like it or not, can reduce anxiety and depression? Just squinch up your cheeks and give it a go.



Well glad you've found what works for you, but keep in mind being happy or unhappy is not exactly a choice for everyone.


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19 Jan 2012, 12:56 pm

Angel_ryan wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
abacacus wrote:
SuzzyQ wrote:
Angel_ryan wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I am wondering the same thing, and somehow the advice just deal with it and suck it up does not seem to help.

Same. I feel worse when people tell me to suck it up. I had a psych ask me why I'd made suicide attempts in the past. I told her something along the lines of the OP and she told me to suck it up, I instantly had a meltdown in her office. Just remembering that incident makes me kinda feel suicidal, because I really feel extremely rejected by the world. I'm sorry to be so pessimistic, because I know people hate pessimistic people. So i try not to be but I have really bad luck or something, because even asking other people for help ends up hurting me sometimes.



When someone gives advise such as "just deal, suck it up" it is cruel and I agree with Sweetleaf, it does NOT help. No wonder those like Angel ryan and I feel rejected by the world. So many people cannot relate to the pain and discomfort many of us feel.


And some of us can and know that the way to deal with it is to stare it down and fight back with whatever you have available. I grew up with two parents that constantly thought I was insane and were constantly frustrated with how slowly I seemed to grow (I couldn't even dress myself until I was nearly ten if I remember correctly), and even more so with the fact I wasn't normal.

My mother especially still refuses to accept that I am not normal, not perfect. Nothing I do is acceptable to her because it is not what she thinks I should do to fit her definition of successful. She thinks I am how somehow less than other people, because I do not fit in one of her little niches.

Love hurts sometimes, so does advice. All that anyone can do is share what worked for them.


Well everyone has their breaking point, and once that's reached there's not much to fight back with.


My breaking point is pretty awful. I'm 23 years old I live at home I actually think I'm one of the lower functioning people on here. In addition to AS I have severe memory problems/LDs I was told I'd probably have to live off disability all of my life. I've been suicidal since the age of 17. I've dealt with neglect, abuse, and rejection from family members. I tried to get promoted at work but have given up on getting full time hours because I can't handle high stress situations. When I was a little kid I was traumatized by all the bullying. In high school I burnt myself out trying to get good marks like other people my age despite my disabilities. Even though I learn things I forget them over and over again. The first time I had intercourse was essentially rape. I've been unable to maintain or desire relationships with people. I will likely not have children. Which I'm not upset about I'm more devastated by the fact that I can't bond with people very well. I don't feel lonely I just feel very useless in the NT world I live in. There are very few people who seem to understand my feelings. If I do end up offing myself others will view it as suicide I view it as Euthanasia. It's sad when I ask for help dealing with the psychological fall out of my disabilities in an attempt to continue living and then having the people who say they can help turn up the heat on my depression. I'm really sick of this world. It might sound stupid but gifted or not I wouldn't mind being normal.


That is understandable, and similar to some things I've gone through in life.........main difference is I don't really want to be normal either.


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unduki
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19 Jan 2012, 1:12 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
unduki wrote:
gyaspie wrote:
i am an aspie trapped in the neurotypical world, what should i do? :(


Great post. I've enjoyed reading all the different viewpoints.

Being the odd person out isn't the worst thing in the world and if you can alter your perspective, it can be a good thing.

Of course NTs don't understand you; you're not like everyone else/ with what they're familiar and comfortable. Insisting they conform to your ideology is ludicrous. Why should they? Discernment takes energy and effort. You're the ONE who's different.

I think if you can believe yourself to be unique, rare and very valuable, which you are, you will begin to convince others of the same. NTs pick up on this kind of stuff without knowing and can be easily swayed by unconscious means, no matter how un-intentional on your part.

I've always been very affected by what others think of me - or what I perceive they think of me. (Actually, people seem to be freely verbal with me - like it's their right to openly criticize me to my face.) It can be very limiting. I keep track, rating and filing the comments in my special way. Telling me it doesn't matter what others think doesn't help because I know it does, but I've developed several methods of overlooking instances that might have sent me underground in the past.

If enough people I can respect tell me a thing, I figure it's something I can work on. Google or Bing can be very helpful. Learning about Asperger's has given me a better understanding of what's really going on. I have more choices in how to deal and I feel better about myself without as much effort.

Negative emotions are like drugs. It's hard to suck it up and get over them, but if you take it one step at a time, you will make progress. If you choose to do nothing, you won't. There aren't any short cuts so the sooner you get it over with, the better.

Everyone makes their own choices. Me, I choose to be happy regardless of NTs or circumstance, or anything. It's illogical to choose to be unhappy.

Since I'm human, I use crutches, for lack of a better term. I watch comedy on TV, seek out a favorite friend, listen to happy music, go for a walk with my dogs or just smile. Did you know that the simple act of smiling, whether you feel like it or not, can reduce anxiety and depression? Just squinch up your cheeks and give it a go.



Well glad you've found what works for you, but keep in mind being happy or unhappy is not exactly a choice for everyone.


I couldn't disagree with you more on that, Sweetleaf. Happiness is only a choice. It's not something that just happens. It's not something bestowed upon us through some kind of entitlement. You have to work at it. Only you can make it happen.

My grandmother just died. She was 104. She had 3 sons, two, just before the stock market crash of 1929 and one soon after. As a farmer's wife, she faced untold hardships but through it all she says, "We were happy anyways."

You have to find a way to get out of yourself and just choose to be happy. You can always find something to be glad about if you look. It takes some practice but you can do it, no matter what.


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19 Jan 2012, 1:18 pm

unduki wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
unduki wrote:
gyaspie wrote:
i am an aspie trapped in the neurotypical world, what should i do? :(


Great post. I've enjoyed reading all the different viewpoints.

Being the odd person out isn't the worst thing in the world and if you can alter your perspective, it can be a good thing.

Of course NTs don't understand you; you're not like everyone else/ with what they're familiar and comfortable. Insisting they conform to your ideology is ludicrous. Why should they? Discernment takes energy and effort. You're the ONE who's different.

I think if you can believe yourself to be unique, rare and very valuable, which you are, you will begin to convince others of the same. NTs pick up on this kind of stuff without knowing and can be easily swayed by unconscious means, no matter how un-intentional on your part.

I've always been very affected by what others think of me - or what I perceive they think of me. (Actually, people seem to be freely verbal with me - like it's their right to openly criticize me to my face.) It can be very limiting. I keep track, rating and filing the comments in my special way. Telling me it doesn't matter what others think doesn't help because I know it does, but I've developed several methods of overlooking instances that might have sent me underground in the past.

If enough people I can respect tell me a thing, I figure it's something I can work on. Google or Bing can be very helpful. Learning about Asperger's has given me a better understanding of what's really going on. I have more choices in how to deal and I feel better about myself without as much effort.

Negative emotions are like drugs. It's hard to suck it up and get over them, but if you take it one step at a time, you will make progress. If you choose to do nothing, you won't. There aren't any short cuts so the sooner you get it over with, the better.

Everyone makes their own choices. Me, I choose to be happy regardless of NTs or circumstance, or anything. It's illogical to choose to be unhappy.

Since I'm human, I use crutches, for lack of a better term. I watch comedy on TV, seek out a favorite friend, listen to happy music, go for a walk with my dogs or just smile. Did you know that the simple act of smiling, whether you feel like it or not, can reduce anxiety and depression? Just squinch up your cheeks and give it a go.



Well glad you've found what works for you, but keep in mind being happy or unhappy is not exactly a choice for everyone.


I couldn't disagree with you more on that, Sweetleaf. Happiness is only a choice. It's not something that just happens. It's not something bestowed upon us through some kind of entitlement. You have to work at it. Only you can make it happen.

My grandmother just died. She was 104. She had 3 sons, two, just before the stock market crash of 1929 and one soon after. As a farmer's wife, she faced untold hardships but through it all she says, "We were happy anyways."

You have to find a way to get out of yourself and just choose to be happy. You can always find something to be glad about if you look. It takes some practice but you can do it, no matter what.


Well not everyone can necessarily be happy....the amount of ignorance about myself and the world I would need to be in a happy state of mind would be impossible for me to achieve. Not to mention I can't just choose not to feel depressed and like crap when I have psychological problems which interfere with that ability.

I mean I am glad you have the inner strength to make that happen, but I just don't think everyone can think themselves out of a depressed, anxious or otherwise unpleasant mindset


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19 Jan 2012, 6:03 pm

Well, to Sweetleaf: As long as you believe that, it will be so. Obviously, you're at that stage where no one can tell you anything. You'll see. You'll find your way.


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19 Jan 2012, 6:07 pm

unduki wrote:
Well, to Sweetleaf: As long as you believe that, it will be so. Obviously, you're at that stage where no one can tell you anything. You'll see. You'll find your way.


Actually it just really bothers me when people try to act like I can just think my way out of being depressed and that if I am unable to do that its my fault I'm depressed. But that's probably not the point you were making......its just rather frustrating for me. I can make the best of my situation more or less but I don't consider that really being happy.

But if someone believes its a total choice for them, then I'm not going to tell them they are wrong because obviously it works for them.


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19 Jan 2012, 6:31 pm

It really bothers me when someone assumes I don't know what it is to be truly depressed. Hahahahahahaha! I'm going to go watch a funny movie now. This is a drag.


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19 Jan 2012, 6:42 pm

unduki wrote:
It really bothers me when someone assumes I don't know what it is to be truly depressed. Hahahahahahaha! I'm going to go watch a funny movie now. This is a drag.


It really never even occurred to me that I should assume that, which means I don't assume that at all. My point was I really don't think I can think my way out of my depression and that what works for you might not really work for other people.

damn if only when I failed at expressing my thoughts it was something trivial.......and not something that causes me to come off as some a**hole who likes to make assumptions about people. :(


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19 Jan 2012, 7:30 pm

I'm just saying, Sweetleaf... how do you know it's impossible? Are you even 30 yet? You've given up. You've stated it's impossible. It is impossible for you to ever be happy because you've made your choice.

Seriously, walking is impossible until you do it. If we all gave up after the first million tries we'd still be in diapers.


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19 Jan 2012, 7:43 pm

nirrti_rachelle wrote:
Meh. Unfortunately, that's how our society has become. People think you're either supposed to do it all on your own without any help or you don't deserve to exist. We have become such an non-compassionate and cruel culture and aspies often receive the brunt of the consequences.


I just want to say that I think this is quite false. Our world is actually moving in the opposite direction. Before human civilization nature was very cruel and anyone who couldn't survive on their own was killed off (through natural selection). As society has progressed along we have become more and more tolerant of people who are different (look at women's rights and gay rights movements for examples). If current trends continue we will approach a state where people with all sorts of natural weaknesses will be accepted and helped by society. I really don't believe that there has been a significant trend away from compassion in the developed world. Maybe with the recent recession funding for social welfare programs is getting tight, but I still believe the long term trend is quite the opposite of what your post implies.

So basically, there's no need to think that the world is getting more cruel each day. That will do you no good.



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19 Jan 2012, 9:40 pm

unduki wrote:
I'm just saying, Sweetleaf... how do you know it's impossible? Are you even 30 yet? You've given up. You've stated it's impossible. It is impossible for you to ever be happy because you've made your choice.

Seriously, walking is impossible until you do it. If we all gave up after the first million tries we'd still be in diapers.


I've been depressed since childhood, I'm going to have to agree with Sweetleaf there are people who are in very serious situations that demean the overall quality of their life. Ignorance from others makes our situations even more difficult to deal with. I've been tortured to the point where I couldn't get out of bed, I barely dressed or fed myself. It wasn't my choice. Sometimes there are days where I can remember what I wanted to do and others where I literally stared at my wall and I couldn't get my brain to do anything I wanted to do. I couldn't feel anything. The worst part is that I have no control when something like that is going to happen. It makes my life so unpredictable I don't get to have responsibilities other people find rewarding in their lives. I'm mentally handicap. I often become isolated, I can't maintain relationships I can't always look after myself even though I want to. I want to do things other people can do. Like drive a car, go to school, have relationships, own a house, have a rewarding job. I try and I keep failing and it's not my fault but it's not fair. I don't feel in this world I will ever have a life that even comes close to making me slightly happy. The person that tells me to my face to suck it up, I want to strangle with my bare hands. It's incredible that I've only thrown objects and have had enough self restraint not to attack the morons who've been dumb enough to say that to me.


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19 Jan 2012, 9:45 pm

unduki wrote:
I'm just saying, Sweetleaf... how do you know it's impossible? Are you even 30 yet? You've given up. You've stated it's impossible. It is impossible for you to ever be happy because you've made your choice.

Seriously, walking is impossible until you do it. If we all gave up after the first million tries we'd still be in diapers.


Why should I be expected to be happy when I was not meant for what I was born into? I just really don't see the point....might as well just make the best of it why should it matter if I'm happy or not? It just seems like a worthless goal based on how my life has gone.


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