Am I being unreasonable expecting him to get a job?

Post Reply New Topic

In her original post, gorillatoez says that her husband roughly dragged her by the arm and leg and threw her on the floor. The husband described this as pulling her off the sofa. I think this is significant, that he basically lied about what he did, and possibly even to himself, or he wanted to believe his own lie.

Now, it’s not yet at the super bad level. So, there’s still hope that maybe he can solve his problem.

But, if it’s anything like my dad’s violence toward my mother, then toward me, then toward my sister, these kind of things tend to continue and tend to get worse (although not always, for there is a lot of randomness). Still, the phrase escalating abuse, I think is a pretty good description.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 25 Jan 2012, 9:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

OK I guess I missed that part, it was kind of a long post.........in that case it's probably best she gets away from him.

Or, the possibility of a trial separation. This is one option on the table.

The person doesn't need to feel as though they are making a decision for all time.

And, the person with the violence issue, might sincerely make plans for other ways to handle high anger. And might find a person like a minister, a friend, a former teacher, even a long-time barber for crying out loud, who can carry some of this weight on their shoulders. (Of course, this is far from a sure thing)

haha, yes, was a long post! Really didn't expect anyone to get to the end so really stunned at all the fantastically helpful replies. Thank you everyone who took time to respond. V interesting to hear other people's viewpoints. A lot to think about.

The throwing me on the floor incident / dragging me off the sofa - perhaps it's just a difference of perception? Hard to remember exactly how he did it but I do know I was genuinely frightened at the time he was going to start kicking and hitting the crap out of me (has never done this) and shocked myself at the animal like sound of fear that came out my mouth. V difficult to remember details as he was shouting and yelling lots.

I think whether he had undiagnosed Aspergers or not IS important as if it a matter of struggling to see things from another viewpoint and managing his emotions, then there would be an explanation and I would be prepared to work things through. But if he doesn't, then his behaviour is unforgiveable.

It seems he can't handle any type of pressure or demand on him which is why I thought he may have AS. If our daughter is crying in the night, he'll usually verbally attack me for not dealing with her right or refuse to get up and check on her. Think this is because he wants to sleep and sta warm and can't comprehend that I feel the same and the need to put our daughter first.

It's the same with the getting a job issue. If I nag him about it, he gets v annoyed saying I'm always on at him and to let him be. Only does things on his terms and timing. Think that's why he srtuggled with the admin and marking side of his job. Resented it when he could be doing other things such as his beloved maps, and geneology.

So what do you all think - AS or not? (yes, I know impossible to say without meeting him and getting a diagnosis).

A conversation we often have:

me: what do you think?
him: I don't know
me: i know you don't know. I don't either but it's something we need to make a decision on (e.g. sending daughter to nursery or childcare) so what do you THINK?
him: I told you. I don't know.

me: (in head): aaaarrrrrrggghhh!

I'm going to say what I think.

It won't be popular.

I don't believe the OP. I'm sorry. I'm especially very sorry if I am wrong.

I think she simply left out every stereotype except she didn't play him as a computer hacker.

If it is true, get professional help.

If I'm right though, don't play it so overboard next time.

I do believe the OP.

I see very strong similarities between her husband and my ex husband. I also see very strong similarities between her response to the situation and my own response, at the time, and since. That is why I recommended that even if her husband won't go for counselling, she should go on her own.

What she has said has triggered some very unpleasant memories for me, and I need to take a bit of time to reflect before I post in reply to her, but I will do that.

Hi, I believe you, too.

Okay, he sounds more aspie than not, or maybe aspie lite or aspie friendly. The part where he would wake up early even with the long-hours teaching job in order to have his alone time, that sounds very aspie.

As someone who does self-diagnose as being aspie (and like being gay, part of who you are, not something you have), I absolutely need alone time in order to process. And it's really more emotionally processing than intellectually processing. I take long walks. I used to love my little house with Indian student fellow boarders often absent and to myself where I could read, do speech practice and talk to myself.

So, yes, someone on the spectrum might have a heck of a hard time adapting to a child whose needs are not on any kind of schedule, even if you fully understand it intellectually (takes a little time to make this translation).

Okay, about the throwing on the floor / dragging off the sofa incident, the fact that you were scared, that in and of itself is information. Please trust that gut reaction unless you have very strong intellectual reasons not to.

And I know the standard recommendation is to see a counselor, and Marcia is very good-hearted to recommend this. But I personally have found psychologists to be ideologues, "be righters," pontificators, prima donas . . . I mean, generally terrible and very disappointing. I honest to gosh think a person is likely to have much better luck with a hair stylist who has some savvy and street smarts, or even a bartender, or a former teacher with whom a person had some connection with. But then, to each their own. Please do stay open to finding others who can help to carry part of this burden. And please continue to view us as an Internet resource.

I do wish you congrats on your baby, and wishing you all the best on what should not be this difficult a time but obviously is.

In response to AardvarkGoodSwimmer's comments about the counselling.

Yes, I was very, very fortunate to find a counsellor who was so good, perceptive, patient and understanding. I make the recommendation based on my own very positive experiences, but unfortunately I know that many people aren't so lucky. My counsellor wasn't a psychiatrist, but a counsellor and I don't know how he would describe his counselling philosophy or approach, and in any case what worked for me might not work for someone else. It might be that you would have to have one or two meetings with a few different people before you found someone who was a good match for you.

And, it was a long process, in no way a quick fix. All in, I met with him weekly for almost two years, albeit with a break of a few months when I thought everything was ok before almost crashing and burning.

Basically, he listened to me and helped me to identify patterns of behaviour in my current situation and throughout my life. AardvarkGoodSwimmmer is right up to a point that another person you know and trust can help you, listen and support you, but I do believe that a good counselling relationship with someone who knows what they are doing and does it well, can offer something more. It is personally challenging, can take you to dark and difficult places, but I emerged from it with more self-confidence, self-knowledge and self-awareness than I have ever had before.

That said, I'm with AardvarkGodSwimmer in hoping that you see this forum as a resource for yourself. Somewhere to share and to receive support.

Oliveoilmom - I'm genuine. Wish I was making it all up! Maybe did go a bit overboard describing it but don't really have nyome to talk to about all this so it all came pouring out. I wanted to see if people agreed that he may have AS. He tells me he doesn't (which is also possible) but from what I have read, he seems to match a lot of the criteria - though his social skills are pretty good when he does go out.

Marcia, sounds like you've been through something v similar. Just trying to work out how to PM you back!

CLThomps, your viewpoint was v helpful. My Oh really does just seem to think work is an irritation that stops him from doing what he really wants. He's happiest when researching his interests on the computer. Probably a lot of people feel like that but can also get a bit of perspective and see that not going to work is going to make your life fall into a bad place.

Aardvark, thanks for backing me up too.

Our house is only a flat but it's our home. We moved to a new area just before our daughter was born and because OH not v supportive , I have had to work really hard to make a life here, making friends locally and filling up days with activities. He slept in other room for first 4 months or more, and even when I was throwing up with a horrid stomach bug and begged him to take our child out for a walk (could hear her screaming inconsolably all day), he refused and shouted at me. That was the longest day of my life!

ok, so can you explain how living with him is better or more advantageous than living alone? he is not really offering and support, whether it is emotional, household, child care, financial, or otherwise. what do you gain from being with him?

I have pretty good social skills when I interact, and I also need a lot of alone time. With social skills, it's like I have an A game and a C game and not much of a B game. For example,

I play poker at an intermediate level (which means I'm really good!). I play best my first forty-five minutes and then my energy flags (am working on expanding this).

I like tabling at political events. Meeting people at this semi-structured environment where we have a topic, is often something I enjoy.

When tutoring math, I can really focus and back-and-forth with the student, and keep it relatively straightforward and not overexplain, but it is exhausting. I'm wiped out afterwards. And on this one, I think this might be the case for a number of people, both aspie and not. But---and this may be the key point---people who are aspie might more frequently have the feeling of being wiped out socially.

So, yes, with alone time, I can put it off a little bit, but then if I don't have my alone time, I start to lose who I am. It really is a need, not so much a want.

===========================

With the really terrible day where you're sick, the baby is crying inconsolably and you're begging him to take the baby out and he yells at you. It could be an aspie thing where he gets into a mode of all sending-no receiving, and he doesn't pick up in live time that it's not just the normal informational exchange of conversation, but that you are literally begging him to take the baby out.

Or, it could have been a mindset where his "being right" was more important than anything else. And I think this is a trap a number of people could fall into, and not just an aspie thing.

Aardvark - what you say about being able to function and even enjoy for a limited amount of time sounds v similar to how OH functions.

He doesn't have any friends that he sees regularly but he certainly does have friends. I would say though that his friendships are a bit one dimensional in that his few good friend are either foreign or a bit culturally displaced (e.g. not white British but either immigrants or have strong connection to another country). His amazing knowledge of government and politics in most countries means he is able to talk with foreigners that he meets and they are so happy to find someone who really seems to know about their native country that they become friends.

They don't meet up v often so when they do, discussing politics and cultural history is enough. I wonder if he were to meet more regularly with his friends if the gaps would start to show. He likes to tell people lots of facts and when in the right company has a tendency to hold court telling his facts and recounting his stories.

He also has an uncanny ability with languages, he can mimic most accents perfectly and even though he may not have the grammar and vocab, people are folled into thinking he is fluent because he sounds so natural when speaking it. Around the house he is usually either speaking in a Scottish accent or a South American drawl or a cockney or posh British accent. He does it for fun. When I first met him, I thought he was a great entertainer - he is, but he would get stuck in it and keep it going for hours and it would start to get quite irritating. I do think it's interesting that he moves his lips when he reads, he says he likes to hear the sounds. Actually v envious of this ability!

Why am I sharing all this? Not sure. Getting my thoughts down in one place I suppose so I can review the situation myself as well as get feedback from others.

Suppose what I'm trying to get to is whether the fact that he may have AS means I should be understanding of the fact he won't work. Thing is, he has worked before and never been sacked or had trouble at work for being anti social. However, he has never really had the responsibility and work ethic that you might expect from someone of his age. His attitude would be fine on someone in their 20's with no family.

He has been out of work since the summer. He is only recently starting to get serious about applying for jobs. He'll see a job he thinks sounds good and then spend 2 -3 weeks talking about applying for it, saying he can't come out, do this, that or the other because he has to do his application. I am a big procrastinator myself but this to a whole other level.

What I don't understand is why he won't do supply teaching in the meantime (yes you can be a temping teacher in UK). Or if that has really become too stressful and he just can't face teaching, then join an office based agency. Or even get a job in a pub or bookshop, just to bring a little money in.

I have paid for everything for the last couple of months and looks like will be going that way for some time longer. That is NOT what I took redundancy for. I took it to spend time with my daughter and to put some away for a rainy day. And not this kind of rainy day!

I keep trying to talk to him, to understand why he won't work but he gets furious, rolling his eyes and raising hus voice as though I am being totally unreasonable and asking most outrageous thing in the world.

Feeling v frustrated today.

still thinking about my answer to Hyperlexian's question. Finding it hard to put into words the answer to that.

It is crushing to try a job, to really put a lot of effort into it, and then to fail, all in front of your wife. (I have yet to be married, but there have been people I care about.)

The amount of effort he put into it, things should have worked out really well, but obviously they didn't.

I taught math at a Catholic Jesuit high school about ten years ago, and toward the end of my first year, the principal told me he would not be renewing my contract. I was not able to control the young people. I was able to regain control of home room, but in my math classes, the kids gray-area-ed me, and I ended up more authoritarian than if I had simply started out medium authoritarian at the beginning.

I probably should have mentioned all this before, but I didn't want to be a downer. It didn't work out for me, but it might yet work out for your husband. Perhaps tutoring for professional exams like GMAT (graduate business school) or MCAT (medical college), where students are willing to pay substantial money, plus getting small classes going and thereby that multiplier effect.

Believe it or not, at the beginning, I thought I would get kids motivated by the intrinsic interest in math. That didn't work. I also played to my strength which is to write original lesson plans, at the expense of organization and prompt grading. If I had it to do all over again, in zen-like fashion, I would have tried less hard. That would be the first thing and probably the most important. I would have used ready-made, off-the-shelf material and stayed a hundred percent caught up (well, generally). And maybe, once in a blue moon, something might cross my path that I can put into the standard lesson.

If your husband were to substitute teacher, the kids would most likely pick up on the fact that he's different and spend a lot of energy and effort trying to play him. I mean, the situation most likely would play to all of his weaknesses, none of his strengths.

I don't think your being unreasonable however finding a job in this economy sucks i know I've been trying to get a job for a while. I graduated High School a little over 6 months ago been looking for a job and haven't found one yet. I have found one SO called job wouldn't really call it a job working for a company called Kirby, who wanted me to work 13 hours a day for 500 a week, and I didn't think it was right for me. Anyway Since then I have been soooo depressed I really gave up looking for a job. I will prolly try to find a job again soon but my point is it may take some time in this economy.

Your husband does sound Aspie to me, although the physical violence bit is shocking. Mine would never lay a hand on me, but then he's not the meltdown type and internalizes everything.
Some comments on his behaviour:

1. "Silent Treatment" - It's likely that he was just overloaded and needed to get away from all sensory stimulations for a period of time. My SO does this for weeks at a time sometimes. He's unable to talk to me and if I try to talk to him it just makes it worse. It's probably the hardest part of the relationship but best thing to do is to just give him lots of space.

2. His reactions towards baby crying - Lots of Aspies have high sensory sensitivity. My SO is very sensitive to bright lights (to a point where his eyes will tear up) and high pitched sounds are physically painful to him. It is likely that he is far more sensitive to the sound of a baby crying than you are.

3. Him calling you a 'harpy' or worse, a 'b***h' - Yes I've been called these things too. Do more research on AS and you might start to see why you could come across this way to him. It doesn't make it right, but it's understandable. Realize his brain is fundamentally different from yours and things that come naturally to you in the context of a 'normal' relationship are quite incomprehensible to him.

This book was really helpful for me, it would be a place to start.
http://www.amazon.com/Aspergers-Love-Co ... 298&sr=8-1

None of this changes the fact that, yes, he certainly needs to go get a job.
Also doesn't make it ok that he was physically violent to you.
But if you think you can still make it work, I think it will help a lot to read up on Aspergers and try and see it from inside his mind.