really, really want to go to university
13 Mar 2012, 7:20 pm
Sora wrote:
Was this really about going right now or going to university in the next couple of years? I didn't keep track of the various posts that much.
Because it didn't sound as if going now or next year was the issue in the opening post but rather if the parents will ever agree to it in the next couple of years.
Because it didn't sound as if going now or next year was the issue in the opening post but rather if the parents will ever agree to it in the next couple of years.
You are exactly right. Her parents don't want her to go to school, period. BUT they are trying to make her feel better by LYING to her it is only about one more year -- a lie that they repeated already few times. Thats why I am saying waiting a year is not a good idea -- it is just part of the bigger plan of postponing it indefinitely.
13 Mar 2012, 7:27 pm
Tuttle wrote:
Callista wrote:
Actually, I think waiting a year makes sense. You have a year to prepare. You decide: In a year, I'm going to uni, with or without my parents' blessing. So that decision is made, and you don't have to worry about it anymore.
Then you can take that year and figure out exactly how you are going to do everything: How you will get to class; how the buildings are laid out; how you will get your food, and how you will take care of yourself. You can talk to some of the professors, and to the disability services people you will be working with. You can even go to the library and look through the books, and find quiet places where you can study, and where you can go when you are stressed out and need to rest. You can think about what you will do when you have problems. (And you will have problems: Everyone does. You simply need to plan for how you will solve them.) Maybe they would let you visit again, and even spend the night, or use the train or bus system to try that out and see how it works, so you will have practice when you need to use it to get places. You could, if you don't have a bicycle, buy one and learn to use it to get places, because in uni it's always better to have transportation than if you have to walk everywhere.
A year to practice being on your own would be a good idea. And it gives your parents some time to get used to it. Plan out what you are going to do--write it down, like it's a school assignment. Plan what you'll do when unexpected things happen, who you can count on to help you. And when your parents see you doing that--planning, rationally and carefully, understanding that you are disabled and that you will need to account for that--they may just come around and realize that yes, you can live on your own. Disabled people live on their own all the time; why shouldn't you be one of them?
Then you can take that year and figure out exactly how you are going to do everything: How you will get to class; how the buildings are laid out; how you will get your food, and how you will take care of yourself. You can talk to some of the professors, and to the disability services people you will be working with. You can even go to the library and look through the books, and find quiet places where you can study, and where you can go when you are stressed out and need to rest. You can think about what you will do when you have problems. (And you will have problems: Everyone does. You simply need to plan for how you will solve them.) Maybe they would let you visit again, and even spend the night, or use the train or bus system to try that out and see how it works, so you will have practice when you need to use it to get places. You could, if you don't have a bicycle, buy one and learn to use it to get places, because in uni it's always better to have transportation than if you have to walk everywhere.
A year to practice being on your own would be a good idea. And it gives your parents some time to get used to it. Plan out what you are going to do--write it down, like it's a school assignment. Plan what you'll do when unexpected things happen, who you can count on to help you. And when your parents see you doing that--planning, rationally and carefully, understanding that you are disabled and that you will need to account for that--they may just come around and realize that yes, you can live on your own. Disabled people live on their own all the time; why shouldn't you be one of them?
I agree with this completely.
Those of you who are arguing against her waiting a year, realize, that there are only specific times she can go to university. She can prepare now, including rushing (applications tend to be due very soon at the latest, usually before this point in the US at least, so I'm assuming its similar in Europe, or she can make sure to prepare as much as she needs, and let herself get ready. There's a huge difference between a month and a year, and if she plans for this year and it doesn't work out she doesn't have the backup worked out.
We're not saying a year because that's what her parents are saying. We're saying a year because that's the next time after this year for her to go, and prep time would be a really good idea.
If she goes now and it doesn't work, she won't know whether it only didn't work because of lack of preparing for the worst case scenerios, including telling her parents now and letting them get used to the idea of not having her around. Just because something worked for you, doesn't mean it'll work for everyone.
I very much want to go to grad school. At this point in time I can't just get up and go and do it. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me that's what I should do, if I don't prepare I won't be able to cope. I need time.
There are at least two ways she can go to school earlier than a year from now;
1. Some schools do have late deadlines. Althoough there are not many of them but if you look hard you can find some
2. Some schools accept students twice a year -- both starting fall AND starting spring; for spring she is not late yet
I realize it is possible that the options might be few and/or too much pressure. But she should first CONSIDER these options by RESEARCHING rather than just dismissing them out of hand. As they say ''when there is a will there is a way''; and it seems like her parents is the reason why there is no ''will'' on her part.
Also I suspect if she actually waits a year, she will not be applying until exactly a year from now, at which point it would be too late for 2013 as well, which would be a reason to postpone it once again. Being on the spectrum, she might simply forget without her parents reminder and they won't remind her because they are not interessted in her going to school. So, again, the way to avoid it is to do it NOW.
Regarding ''what if she fails there won't be a backup'', well I don't see what she has to lose. How can ''not applying'' be possibly worse than applying and failing? It is better to at least try, and if she fails THEN she can postpone AFTER she runs out of options.
13 Mar 2012, 7:44 pm
bumble wrote:
Roman wrote:
Stefan10 wrote:
Another option is to self study at home until you mature enough to go to university.
It is misleading to say ''science is a lifetime career''. I know in USA they don't care about the age; but in a lot of other countries they won't even let you become a professor if you are over 35. Now, how many years does it take to be professor? First you need to go to college. Thats 4 years. Then you need to go to grad school, thats 5-6 years. So it is already 9-10 years. But then you also need to do postdocs which might take additional few years. If she starts right now, and she is 21, she would finish grad school at 31 and will have 4 years left to do postdocs and become professor. That is quite tight. She can't afford to wait any longer.
There are short cuts and if you are good enough...you can go straight from BSc to Phd if your grade average is high enough and skip the Master's stage. There are still ways into certain jobs even after the age of 35. But the UK education system is different to the one in the US. I have done up to BSc level study already in the past, I am now finishing my BSc (I am 36) and when I finish that, if I manage to keep my A grade average (and obtain a First or a Distinction), I may have an avenue to get a research grant to go straight to Phd. If I only manage an Upper Second, I still have the option of going the Master's degree route. Alternatively I could get a PGCE and go into secondary school teaching if I wanted to teach, but I would prefer to do some kind of research.
Life is not over after 30...please stop consigning us oldies to the scrap heap. Thanks.
Well if there are ''short cuts'' to catch up when you are behind, it means you could have used these same short cuts WITHOUT being behind and then you would have been AHEAD which you can't be any more, or at least not as much. I mean it is a simple math. If you first waste a and then gain b then your progress will be -a+b. If on the other hand you never wasted a, then your progress would be b. And -a+b is always smaller than b. In other words, you would always have regrets that you ''could have'' done better. Thats why it is better not to fall behind.
Besides, going thrugh these hoops to ''catch up'' is a lot more stressful than simply being on time. So her parents argument that ''she should not go to school in order to avoid stress'' won't work on the long run.
14 Mar 2012, 2:27 pm
Thank you for all the replies, I am getting lots of advice and new ideas! That makes me happy.
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The only issue, though, is her parents would be against her being on her own just as much as they are against her going to school.
They are very much against me being alone. This with good reason because I have been extremely anxious in the past. But now they are leaving me for couple of hours alone in house. This is improvement.
Quote:
The kind of attitude a little kid has when she makes bad decisions is ''I really want a candy so I will steal it from the store, doesn't matter if I don't have money doesn't matter if they call police I just want a candy''. Now, this is not your attitude, is it? You are very rational in this entire post
That is the problem. I am very rational, and very bright and also very capable usually. Except when I get frightend. Then I'll do anything to achieve my immediate need. For example, I panicked on my way to swimming pool so I jumped out of driving car and tried to run home, and got lost in field. Then police came and I screamed til I was too tired to scream anymore (long time).
Quote:
Being on the spectrum, she might simply forget without her parents reminder
No way! I think of it every minute.
Quote:
A year to practice would be a good idea. That means you'll be spending that time actively preparing--not just waiting.
This is a good idea. The more people have given me advice, the more I realise that it would be bad to go yo uni NOW, sorry Roman. Not because of my parents, but because I am not prepared. I need to prepare everything: public transport, finding safe places, finding my way in the strange town.
To Practice:
- being traffic safe.
- keep my own budget.
- strange food and can't cook. Also forget to eat.
- wilnot go out in the dark. But it is dark at 4 o clock in winter and I know university ends at 5.30.
- less anxious (but this is so hard)
- time and planning skills
- Need to not run away at TL lights and motorcycles.
That list makes me sad. I thought I had already learned so much. But there is way more to learn.
14 Mar 2012, 4:23 pm
Ayna wrote:
They are very much against me being alone. This with good reason because I have been extremely anxious in the past. .
How far in the past? If you are talking about the time you were 5 year old, you have changed from that time and it is not relevent any more. However, IN YOUR PARENTS HEADS it matters so this makes it self fulfilling prophecy; your parents DECIDE that you are the way you used to be at 5, so they don't give you any opportunity to show otherwise.
Ayna wrote:
But now they are leaving me for couple of hours alone in house. This is improvement. .
Look you are 21 year old, it should be a lot more than just for couple of hours. Ask them to leave you for the entire day and show them you can manage that one day. And don't do it just once, do it regularly. Also go to the movies on your own. Visit your friends and sleep over for a night. THAT would be improvement. Just two hours a day don't count.
Ayna wrote:
That is the problem. I am very rational, and very bright and also very capable usually. Except when I get frightend. Then I'll do anything to achieve my immediate need. For example, I panicked on my way to swimming pool so I jumped out of driving car and tried to run home, and got lost in field. Then police came and I screamed til I was too tired to scream anymore (long time). .
Once again, how old were you when that happened? If you were 5 years old back then it doesn't matter any more. I also used to run from home back at the age of 5. A lot of people do stupid things when they are 5. You are 21 now, so forget about your childhood. Your parents need to give you another chance now that you are an adult.
Ayna wrote:
Quote:
Being on the spectrum, she might simply forget without her parents reminder
No way! I think of it every minute.
You will forget TECHNICAL things, such as
1. Take SAT -- which would require finding out the time it is given, and so forth
2. Find out application deadlines, which are often as early as early January or even December
3. Fill out forms
4. Pay application fee, which would require your parents money so you have to persuade them to let you pay that fee
Ayna wrote:
Quote:
A year to practice would be a good idea. That means you'll be spending that time actively preparing--not just waiting.
This is a good idea. The more people have given me advice, the more I realise that it would be bad to go yo uni NOW, sorry Roman. Not because of my parents, but because I am not prepared. I need to prepare everything: public transport, finding safe places, finding my way in the strange town..
To Practice:
- being traffic safe.
- keep my own budget.
- strange food and can't cook. Also forget to eat.
- wilnot go out in the dark. But it is dark at 4 o clock in winter and I know university ends at 5.30.
- less anxious (but this is so hard)
- time and planning skills
- Need to not run away at TL lights and motorcycles.
That list makes me sad. I thought I had already learned so much. But there is way more to learn.
Well, if you were to decide to go to school THIS YEAR, it would still be half a year until September. So half a year might be enough to practice those. You never tried to practice any of those, thats why it seems so hard. If you try you will find it will get easier and easier.
14 Mar 2012, 4:31 pm
Ayna wrote:
I just thought of another question:
Roman said being proffessor gives you more freedom to research what you want. How do you become a proffessor, what is the difference between professor and finished study and why can't I be proffessor?
Roman said being proffessor gives you more freedom to research what you want. How do you become a proffessor, what is the difference between professor and finished study and why can't I be proffessor?
Being a professor means a university hired you to work there for the rest of your life. Finishing a study means you have a ph.d. certificate, but it does not imply anyone hired you. Yes finishing study is a PREREQUISITE for being a professor, BUT it does not make you one.
Basically a school needs certain number of professors to work there. So if it has that number of professors it does not need anyone else. The opportunity comes in when one of the professors retires -- either because of old age or because they decided to work at some other school. So then one opening is created, and the school needs to find one person to fill in that opening. Now, a lot of people would want to be a professor there, not just one. So, out of everyone who applies, it has to select only one person to fill in opening. In other words you need to be really really good in order to be selected out of so many people.
On the other hand, simpy finishing study is a lot easier. After all, every year they take up A LOT of students, not just one. So competition is much smaller. So because of so much uncertainty that comes with being a professor, it is improtant to finish your studies as early as possible; that way you will have time to look for permanent job which would include many places rejecting you and you keep applying to new places.
