Anyone else feel trapped by AS?

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NT people who are frustrated in their romantic attentions toward me tend to criticize me as "encyclopedic" or "argumentative". I find it is far more natural to get along quite well with others "on the spectrum", even when it was not immediately apparent to me that they were.. and they themselves haven't quite figured it out. They do not hear "argument" when I'm simply explaining something, while an NT will confidently declare: "You've just hurt that guy's feelings!" I respond: "I don't think so. I'll ask when he comes back". Guy returns and has felt in no way was there an argument. Right there, a huge difference in perception is highlighted.

Romance is even now, for me, quite scary. That is not to say I haven't been in romances, but I've been taunted by people I thought were friends as being "straight" or "traditional" because, well, I'm not one of the most sophisticated people when it comes to intimate relationship. I can't get into the one-night stand format. For me, this is cold and crazy-making. I have to know, like, truly care for someone before getting romantically involved. People have attempted to pull me into "love triangles" and I cannot, will not go there. And I've been ridiculed for this more than once. And yes, it has hurt.

There is a sort of dominant element in my personality that NT people have mistaken for full-blown Dominance, which used to mystify me. It took time for me to understand that I had learned to be so forceful about establishing boundaries in the name of survival that I seemed fiercely intense (even scary!) to many people. For me it takes HUGE energy to interact on a deep, intimate level with one other person. I've no idea if that makes me a modern AS oddity or what... if honesty and loyalty and desire to focus on one person exclusively makes me ridiculous in they eyes of men, then so be it. Some men greatly appreciate these qualities; others not at all. Go figure.

Well pretty much, from what i can read here lots of people are lucky enough to have Aspergers / autism and being able to work and such.

I tried working full time for about 5 years just burned totally out mentally. It was get up at 05:30 get to work, get home eat some food to bed and get up. That probably made it all worse.

Im pretty much all by myself, and have been that way my entire life, only family is my mother, its gonna be very interesting when at some point its yourself all alone, in this strange world of odd people.

But yeah i guess i feel trapped. there just isnt any work for people that has severe problems like me, i get mentally drained by all peoples talk and how they move, even just going outside there is so much going on.

Its pretty horrible when you know you would be the most happy if other person on this planet would just go away and you could be all my yourself and the animals.

But over time you just learn to adapt and accept life i guess no matter how bad it is. sure might not be good at anything or have job, getting what is called in english disibility pension i believe. But give up at life i will never do, althought it would be a lot easier thats for sure.

I guess normally people dont really understand how lucky they are being able to do what they want, just more be to go buy food can sometimes as big as when most people go on vacation or something. Its tobad they can fix it all. would be interesting to see life from the side of a normal person, who can just go out and do what they want, be with people, get a job. Not get mentally tired so it feels like youve been drinking for a week straight, just because of all the input from the outside world.

I tried to be social and learn and be with other people but after failing at that for what 15 years ive been much given up at that, because that just wont work, it only becomes worse i feel. Its like trying to walk without legs, seeing without hears, hearing without ears or something.

But atleast some people in here have jobs and some socialize abilities. thats good, atleast we arent all totally broken lol.

Work has been a balancing act for me. I have workaholic tendencies. This is not necessarily a good thing!

I do not have any contact with my family, which has caused me a great deal of vulnerability. It was my choice to break away in my early 20's, knowing this meant facing the world without a safety net of family. My father was a very damaged personality; my mother abandoned me at age 7, so I must give kudos to your mother for staying in your life. There is no shame to feel because of your workplace burnout or because you live with your mother. Different people function differently. In AS, there is no "cookie cutter". I've been both successful and a failure. Right now, I'm on the failure side of things. I can only work to make things better and not give up.

Your schedule sounds as if it was hellish and yes, that will definitely mess with you. It is important to have some small sense of a life outside of work, at the very least. Every one of us is fragile, although when we are doing well we sometimes imagine we've risen above our vulnerabilities. Those vulnerabilities are there. Sometimes they are not as much "in our face", other times we see only what is wrong. If I compared myself to everyone here who is at the top of their game, I'd be looking pretty shabby about now.

Success is very often (socially) defined by what we do rather than who we are. For a time, I thought of myself in this way. I do not have old and supportive friends in my life at a time when it would certainly be welcome and refreshing. Each day is like walking a tightrope, really. I could pick on myself and criticize, or do as I am doing: communicating and telling you You Are Not Alone.

I live with my cats as a Caretaker on the property of a man who is often unpleasant. He is physically disabled but NT. I believed when I moved onto the property what he told me: "the trailer is your home where you can spend as much time alone as you need." Then he imposed his needs for "company" on me. He gets lonely, wants to talk and hang out. I want to be alone with my critters, read a book, play music, write. This man asks for "help" hooking up an old TV/VCR and then hovers, throws temper tantrums and denigrates my ability to do anything. He unfavorably compares me to the worst riff-raff in town: "So & so could have had this hooked up and working with no problem!" I respond: "That is because so & so has STOLEN a lot of TVs, VCRs, DVD players".. I am accustomed to connecting computer components, not ancient TV sets and probably non-working VCRs.

All I want to do is get as far away from the meanness as possible. But? Then I am homeless. This same man promised to work on my car, then allowed it to sit for four months while he worked on (and sold) motorcycles. He has told me "not to worry about getting a job. I don't HAVE to work. My JOB is keeping his property safe." Then he monopolizes my time and energy, treats me like dirt and alternatively tells me what a great person I am...bit of a mind-screw, really.

Am I doing what I want? Absolutely not! I came to a small high desert town in Arizona because I'd had my fill of trauma at the hands of people. Then I find the town is not a place of peaceful isolation. Jobs are few and far between. It's like being flung back to a time and place where men treat women as second-class citizens and believe this is correct or even funny behavior. Some of the "conversations" I cannot avoid hearing are surreal, cruel, ugly. It's all very macho. It's all very stupid.

In doing what one wants, luck is sometimes a factor. Location is, I discovered, very important. Finding the confidence within oneself to proceed out into the world and be persistent is extremely important. You need to LIKE yourself and not allow others to tear you apart. Most definitely, you must be kinder toward yourself. My situation is far less than optimal, but I will not allow this "employer" or his buddies to tell me who I am and what I am or am not able to accomplish. These bozos haven't got a clue!

I know the exhaustion you feel. I've felt it. Sometimes I still feel it. There are times when I feel broken, but continue to push through it because one day I'll be out of this situation. If I keep telling myself "I'm broken", if I buy into all the misogynistic hatred around me, I'm doing to remain broken and these "men" won't care.. the guy I work for is apparently incapable of understanding what I'm about. I've shown him acceptance and he's behaving like a whining infant. He misinterprets me, accuses me of acting in ways I do not (and would not).. if this is "normalcy", I'm proud to be "Abby normal"! Don't Give Up!