Am I THAT different? Really?

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That is, after all, part of the human condition... Even if we do not aspire to it... we judge every situation, happening and person according to the warped lens of our perceptions.

Openly, I admit it is a judgement... I would rather be forthcoming with everyone, especially myself, than lie about it... that road leads to suppression, emotional turmoil and irrationality... as well as mental damage from cognitive dissonance...

Yeah, I suppose that's true... And we all have to choose where to draw the line with our judgments, as to what sort of behavior we find unforgivable (for example, I feel disgust toward people who go on murder/suicide sprees, and I have zero sympathy for the fact that they were in a lot of emotional pain themselves).

But the danger in being too strict with your judgments is that you will lose friends and alienate people (as it seems has happened in this situation). There are consequences to our actions; but if you're okay with that, and it's more important to you to stand behind your judgments / convictions / morals, then I suppose it's for the best!

And there has been no decision made to stand by... I am just trying to understand how the rest of the world sees it... I have shared an internal and gut reaction that is just in process...

I am concerned for her well being. I know she needs help... but the "OMG ***NAME REDACTED*** just tried to kill herself!! !" reaction that everyone is expressing is absent... further... a couple days ago, due to an odd conversation, I had occasion to ponder my response if she had died, through no fault of her own... the reaction of a few days ago is missing... and now there is a "meh - her choice" opinion...

I don't consider having major depression and/or manic-depression a sign of weakness or selfisfness. I consider it mental illness. And how can you be a hundred percent certain you "don't have it in you" to kill yourself? I once thought I'd never attempt suicide. But then I did try to kill myself. A couple of times after the first attempt, too.

Because i have been at that low end of depression... and with the way I am wired... despair becomes anger... Unless I am chemically modified, my natural thought processes do not allow that to be seen as a solution to anything. When chemically modified, it was not a viable one... it was considered, like everything else, against a ruler of rationality and weighing of options... Discarded as an invalid response...

It happened so often with the different medical regimens that were tried for my problems that it has come to be a sign that I am irrational (by internal measurements) and that something must be wrong... I might have been capable of it at one time, but by immersion and cognitive behavioral therapy, I have conditioned myself to not act on irrational thoughts... and almost never on impulse...

I have been assure that this makes me "Real fun" at parties. (that was a joke)

I agree with this. I understand suicide when someone's in the hospital with a terminal illness of some sort and sees it as, "I can either wait it out painfully, or get it over with now." But when you have a physical illness and you're in the hospital, everyone is already aware of your situation. Your affairs can be sorted out, your family can be ensured care, people would be aware that everything that could've been done was tried and that if you decide on suicide, it was truly the last resort.

However, a mental illness isn't the same. Okay, I've never tried to commit suicide or thought I'd want to, so I know I don't see it from that point of view. However, if you paralleled the mental illness to the terminal illness situation above, that would mean that the mentally ill person also tried all that they could to better their situation before coming to a professional's objective opinion that there was no hope left. But people don't do that. They keep it to themselves, convincing themselves that there is no hope left, and decide to take their lives without any consideration on how others actually thought and felt, instead assuming that they are a burden or whatever the thought may be. Some people never seek professional help, let alone get a professional's objective opinion. That is a major problem here.

I guess it's just the irrationality of it all, but I can't sympathize with that. My moral code's first rule is to decrease or eliminate actual and potential suffering in a situation. If I focused on only decreasing my own suffering while increasing the suffering of my friends and family via suicide, I'd consider that an immoral action. If I truly cared not to hurt them, I'd seek ways to better my situation that don't involve harming them, like therapy. I don't understand the jump to suicide that people make in their minds.

I hope I haven't offended anyone. I'm just trying to understand, like the OP. After all, it's an emotion-filled topic and we're wired to seek a logical explanation. It's not very easy...

There was a time when I was quite suicidal and I can tell you that, at least in my case, suicide was not solely about ending personal torment. I felt like my existence did nothing to better the lives of anybody else. Nobody seemed to care much about me and if I ever did get any attention it was almost always negative. I felt like if I killed myself the lives of everybody around me would be that much easier. Even people I put no burden on. I figured those people's lives may not be made better by my death, but they wouldn't care because what do I even bring to the table. I had once liked myself, but it seemed like the whole world was telling me I was wrong and that I had nothing to offer anybody except maybe being a whipping boy. I kept telling myself that I was just depressed and perceiving things wrong, but I could just never find any evidence to prove that, that was the case. Eventually, keeping all of this inside wreaked havoc on my psyche. I started becoming violent because I needed some sort of outlet. One day my brother started making fun of me as he always did while a friend of mine was over and kept egging me on to do something about. He didn't expect it at all, but I did. I chased him upstairs and broke down his bedroom door and then beat him over the head with a bottle. After this I just knew that I would always just be trouble for the rest of the world so I ate a full 90 count bottle of extra strength tylenol and went to sleep. If it weren't for my mom getting a headache and discovering that the brand new bottle of tylenol was totally empty I wouldn't be here right now. I still deal with suicidal ideation sometimes, but I just chalk it up to my brain hating me because he's a dick It can be extremely hard to deal with at times, but luckily I've managed.

What I am about to say could be interpreted in many ways, so please take it at face value as i cannot come up with another way to word it.

I find that outlook and personal perception to be fascinating... It is truly an alien though framework to me and that is something that holds my attention.

It is not that I have high self esteem... quite the contrary... I am unsure of myself in any situation... but my studies and research have led me to believe in an intrinsic order to the universe (another conversation entirely) and to steal a quote - "We Fremmen have a saying: God made Arrakis to test the faithful. Who am I to go against the will of god?" So I have never been able to see past this personal belief and consider (for more than a few moments) tapping out.

I can become suicidal through a hormone imbalance. It's given me so much depression once I couldn't move at all.

I've been the lowest of the low, for chemical reasons and nothing to do with not facing life. Depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance that makes people think there is no way out because well one, the hippocampus shrinks and there's executive function trouble. The brain isn't working up to its full potential. So yes, I can understand suicide.

Laziness is not doing something when you have the physical and mental ability to. It's never really been a choice for me. My brain decides what it wants to do and when. My medication makes wanting to be lazy almost impossible.

To answer your original question: yes, your way is very different from others. What if the person had committed suicide and you lost them forever? Would you feel sad then? I would be more concerned about losing a person than about their actions that led to you losing them.

Because of my hormone imbalance I either have to be on anti-depressants (I'm not) or try to control my moods so much so I don't end up becoming suicidal. Usually the imbalance turns towards one of excessive anger or excessive arguing which I still don't like but makes me feel better than being suicidal.

Just do not judge a person's strength on the fact that they have depression or are suicidal. Mental illness can consume a person so they can't really see any way out of it. I've been there many times and it's a constant battle to not cross that line again. I'm a very practical person, a great problem solver but even depression can take me easily. I have irregular amounts of dopamine so my medication can alleviate some feelings of depression because they release more dopamine. I also rely on it to help me plan and organise and even socialise. Because like I said laziness is never an option for me because I don't know when I will naturally have the capability to read a book, or do cleaning, or have a conversation or work on some writing. Laziness is basically me not taking my pills on the weekend but still cleaning, exercising, going shopping, etc.

I've wanted to die many many times and one of the greatest times was when I had developed a seizure disorder yet no one believed me. It was over Christmas when I had a severe seizure almost everyday. And lately being unemployed (for life) and having such severe sensory issues I had to give up my work as a concert photographer and being away from my interests, then becoming disinterested in them and having a person be so controlling you had no say about how you should have your own bedroom, was just enough to have me want to literally run away from everything. I only thought suicidal thoughts, not gone to any lengths to do it. Still, if I lose my ability to write and my symptoms don't improve enough to not bother about writing but working and socialising, then I'd be even closer to developing clinical depression and becoming suicidal.

I actually do have this thing though that when people would make a mistake or lose something instead of going 'oh, you poor thing, that's an awful amount of luck' I would be blaming them (silently) for not thinking about the consequences. I'm not sure if that's related or if it's something else or just your opinion on the matter. Anyway, I hope I've opened your mind a little.

It's one of those things you won't understand until you've been there.
But it's not selfishness, because the person isn't being selfish in the same way one would when they thought only of themselves to do an act. Usually they wouldn't have been miserable but arrogant. Arrogance doesn't even enter the mind of the severely depressed. In my case it's people who add to my anxiety and depression, not that I actually have clinical depression but I have maybe two weeks of it.
Terminal illness is bad but look at it like an autistic brain vs. an NT brain. People can have physical injuries but still be social and happy because they haven't got autism but in someone with a mental illness they are incapable of thinking constructively and it's this constant mental pain and even exhaustion physically and painful physically as well. Severe stress can give someone a nervous breakdown. What happens in the mind can dramatically affect the body.

I'm going to leave it here but seriously people do not think of people with depression as weak. Depression can hit anyone and anyone can become suicidal. Really all you need is a severe decrease in dopamine. It can be chemically induced or probably even stimulated. Now it's a good thing that you don't feel that way, believe me it is. It's a constant battle for me and only because of a side effect from some pill gave me a hormone imbalance that I've got no choice but to live with and fight it when it occurs. I've also got two personality disorders on top of autism and ADHD and a seizure disorder that I have to keep hidden. My shutdowns can lead to a loss of emotion (and movement and speech) temporarily and I have depersonalisation, derealisation, and anxiety disorders. So everyday is a constant fight to stay chemically balanced, or balanced enough to not become depressed or highly anxious.

When I was a sophomore in high school, my best friend at the time attempted suicide for maybe the second or third time, but it was the first since I had known her. We were friends because neither of us were really accepted at school. She did some things I really did not approve of, though. Anyway, she called me at lunch when I was eating alone and told me she was going to be out of school for a couple of weeks. I feel bad about my reaction now... But all I felt was anger. I didn't like that she was going to abandon me. I was really mad at her and I really couldn't say anything on the phone except, "When will you be back?" and, "I'm eating alone for the next two weeks then I guess." I know I should have been more compassionate but I couldn't feel sorry for her. My only thought was, "She is making me eat alone for two weeks and she was going to make me be alone forever."

I'm with you on that one. When I found out that my half-sister was in the hospital with colon cancer, especially after she slipped into a coma, it made no sense to me to go visit. One can't interact with someone who is in a coma, and I sure as hell couldn't cure her.

The anger comment was meant to be in reply to something else someone else said. I am evidently doing terribly at communicating what I want to say.

And okay, my suggested possibility is wrong. I wonder if that means anything?

I tried to overdose on Midol when I was 20. I got all warm-feeling and fell asleep thinking I wouldn't wake up... but I did.
Apparently, it was the type with ibuprofen instead of acetaminophen. So, I guess the good thing was that I didn't have any cramps after that... lol

Alexithymia, Cognitive empathy, affective empathy, are all factors associated with Aspergers, that could impact a situation like this, that could set someone apart from others.

Your life experiences are unique; that has the potential to set one apart from others even further, both autistic and non-autistic.

Your reaction to the situation described does not seem that unusual to me, however, I would expect most people to react in a similarly emotionally intense way like your friends did, just from anecdotal experience.

The only thing I see as a bit unusual, not necessarily related to the incident, is your words to the effect of what it takes to earn the "right" to be your friend. Sounds a bit like a legal transaction, when talking about friendships.

I don't think I have ever seen someone put that in writing. It's good you can be open and honest about how you perceive life, in the discussions here. People can gain insight into themselves, by listening to full disclosure, in how another perceives life.

Same here.

Not to say I haven't pondered it. My doctor once asked, "Have you ever had thoughts of suicide?" to which I replied, "Have you ever had thoughts of a neon purple monkey?"