Should I feel "bad" about this?

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In this case, I would say that you're wrong. Domestic violence shelters help, but they're not ideal places to live. She may also feel safer around a family member. She may also fear that her abusive partner may track her down in a local shelter.

The thing about leaving abusive situations is that it's complex, and never as simple as "if you really want to leave, then you'd just go." One thing people don't realize, for example, is that a lot of women are murdered after they leave their abusive husbands/boyfriends. There's no guidebook or list of rules on how to handle these situations and often people who need to get out are left trying to figure things out on their own, never mind the fear of what leaving might provoke.

That doesn't mean that her coming to stay with her cousin is the best solution or that you are in the wrong for not wanting her to come, but it may be what she perceived as the best.

Anyway, what I wanted to say yesterday:

I feel like a lot of times I end up in situations where my boundaries are unacceptable, and I am expected to compromise my needs and comfort in favor of someone else's. And what you wrote, when your girlfriend asked you if her cousin could stay, sounds like that kind of thing. You went off-script by asserting your need to maintain certain boundaries, which you have every right to do. So, you didn't do anything wrong, but it's something that can cause friction.

Well, she has a special needs kid...so surely the cops or such would take her case MUCH MORE serious than the average Domestic case, right?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not always able to speak up and assert my boundaries. Although, I've learned to do a lot better than I used to. I used to be a door mat, and because of that I stayed in almost a constant state of meltdown.

I don't think so. I mean, I don't think people will automatically view a special needs child as being in more need of help than they are to view such a child as a nuisance. It could go either way.



I didn't mean to comment on whether you can or cannot usually assert your boundaries. I know I can't always do so, and even when I try my objections get trampled and my problems trivialized. I just meant, that's what I thought of when I read your post.

I have had doormat periods, and it is never any good for my mental or emotional health.

Two backs up against the wall. But it's your wall your friend wants to access. Sounds like more a friendship-killer doing it than not. If you want to say no and have her accept that gracefully, well that part is out of your hands. But at least your friend will be unhappy off your stage. Sometimes it come down to territory. Actually everything comes down to territory. No one will defend yours except you.

The only part of that I understood was the last two lines.