Question about Eye Contact - from a NT

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The difference is that when people make eye contact there are breaks. Making eye normal contact involves knowing when to make it and when to break it. Staring is unbroken eye contact and tends to make NTs very anxious. Try making unbroken eye contact sometime and see the response.

Eye contact tends to spike my aggression, particularly with strangers. I do not become violent. But, I have to fight the urge to be snarky and remind myself that the person making/seeking eye contact is generally not being hostile.

I suppose that staring in the general direction of the person is "close enough". But, when possible, looking at the subject matter (or some other common POV reference) is ideal.

Generally, I appreciate *verbal* responses that do not sound like they were read from an index card. The more are response sounds like something read from an index card, the less weight I am likely to attach to things that person says in the future.

Pretty much all the important basics have been covered, but I'll just add that one of the main things that freaks me out with eye contact is if the person is rapidly moving their gaze back and forth from one of my eyes to the other, making their eyes move around really fast. It's very intimidating to me. (Hopefully y'all know what I'm trying to say XD) And I know it's something people don't notice they're doing, as I have a tendency to do it sometimes too when I do make eye contact. But because of this observation, I've learned to slow my eye movements down. And I also find it intimidating/distracting/uncomfortable when someone has asked me a question (that is the point in which I usually make my brief eye contact) and their eyes seem to drill into me expectantly and eagerly while they await my answer.

And for me, personally; the more I like a person, the more eye contact I will make with them. (If I dislike you, I'll be looking away the whole time. If I greatly admire you, I might make almost perfect eye contact.) But it also randomly depends on the day. And there have been a few strangers I've felt comfortable making eye contact with... sometimes it just depends on the person.

Something I really like is when I'm in the car (in the front seat) talking one-on-one with the driver, and I can stare at them the whole time (if I want) but since they're focusing on the road, they'll only make brief eye-contact here and there and it ends up not being awkward for either of us. But I'm not sure how other Aspies would feel about something like that.

I could not tell if you make eye-contact or not, because my focus is not at your face, so I don't know where you look.

I have learned to fake it over the years, I will look at some detail(s) on the other person's face. I can tolerate others looking at me for awhile, I have even won a staring contest or two, but it basically will stress me out if its just regular interaction. I am always so busy trying to figure out what the other person is doing/meaning..
Authority figure? This is where I learned to fake it. Before, I lost a lot of jobs because my lack of eye contact & flat voice turned interviewers off.

Sincerely,
Matthew

It feels too intimate for me. When I was a kid, I was picked on... a LOT. And the "what are you staring at?" was part of it. As the years went on, "what are you staring at" became more cruel and usually involved something sexual, as though looking at someone implied I was trying to eye-fuck them. I don't know if not-making-eye-contact was a learned trait for me or if I would've followed that path anyway, but I know that it's about intimacy. I don't know when I'm supposed to look away / when it becomes "staring," and overall it's just too taxing to work on or figure out anymore. I can sort of "shut it off" and try to stare when I have to, like with an authority figure - because I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to - but it's still difficult when there's a sense of pressure, like with a police officer or an interview. I can't do it. I can look them in the eye only when I really, really know a person / am comfortable with them romantically. Or if I have a longstanding friend who knows me really well / knows about my Asperger's. Then since I know that they know, there's very little pressure and I'm not as worried about how weird the eye contact is.

If you avoid eye contact on my behalf:

No one's ever experimented with eye contact with me, so I don't know what's the best approach. But here's the thing - not making eye contact on either side of a conversation (or whatever,) in my opinion, well I just don't think it helps build any bonds if that's the point of that particular conversation. I DON'T WANT TO ISOLATE MYSELF FROM THE WORLD EVEN FURTHER. So conditioning me to be comfortable would be a nice gesture, but it does nothing if I'm talking to you for the sake of 'knowing' you. And as an Aspie, I'm pretty used to not making eye contact by now, and trying to when I have to. When someone's looking away, I just assume they're either done with me or they're busy with something else momentarily (I'm picturing a receptionist scenario right now.) Looking away might give me other signs, like that I should walk away, or allow myself to become preoccupied with staring at ceiling lights or something.

So in short:

1.) Intimacy and potential childhood misery is at the core of my lack of eye contact.

2.) Yes, authority figures are worse (pressure is increased, therefore eye contact is more of a demand, which makes me nervous.)

3.) And I don't know about reciprocation, but I think I would get my signals very crossed and be confused. Maybe if you try this you should say my name more often to alert me that the conversation is ongoing? General 'me' not ME me....

On a side note, I like your question because it helps me think of something that I've beat to death in my head, in a new light. I didn't know how to word that to make sense of it.

Side note part 2: I tend to look at people's teeth when I'm talking to them. I always wonder if they notice. Probably at close range....

I'm the same way about looking around the room or basically at anything other than the person I'm talking to. I'll fire up a 'monologue' and just launch it at the walls, windows and furniture. I get distracted by "thoughts on how to communicate" when I start 'trying' to look at someone, and lose my train of thought. Dating is particularly funny.

I agree with the majority of posts here in that you can just do what you would normally do... but dont be offended if the aspie doesnt do the same

I find when I have to make eye contact--say, someone tells me to look at them--I'll often look past the other person, so to speak, or I might look at them out of the corner of my eye.

Do whatever you usually do in conversation. But for me personally, just know that I can't speak intelligently and look at your eyes at the same time.

I noticed this yesterday, when a customer seemed to keep "chasing" my eyes. I am sure he was a little bemused that I could talk to him, even if not looking directly in his eye..
It feels natural for me in a conversation, to just carry on with a subject, I do not feel a need for a "direct connection" with someone.

Sincerely,
Matthew

I find eye contact way too intense. It makes me extremely anxious and I start obsessing about the length of time, the intensity, etc. Starts a nasty obsessive spiral for me. I learned fairly early to look at noses instead so it really doesn't matter to me where the other person is looking. I do get rather upset if someone tries to force eye contact by commenting on it or moving around so that they can try to catch my eyes. My husband and children are the only people with whom I deliberately make eye contact.

I've learned to fake eye contact by looking near the eyes but not directly at them,it's like staring at a bright light,too intense.I really wasn't even aware of this for a long time since I learned this coping skill as a child.I figured out I was doing this when I realized I really wouldn't remember the eye color of who I was talking to.it makes me nervous when people stare at me too long,I'm not sure what they are thinking since I'm bad at picking up facial clues.It helps to look off and to not keep your gaze on me too long,it's a comfort factor and I feel more at ease.

Varies, just don't assume something bad about not having eye contact or call them on it unless you absolutely need their eye contact for something. Don't assume they aren't paying attention for lack of eye contact.