do you think it's harder to be a guy or a girl as an aspy?

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I get what men are saying about them having issues because they are supposedly the one to approach the female. However, these days that isn't so much the case, well certainly not in the West for the most part. All this feminism and career minded women putting off having children trying to be like men and reach the top, has made things a more level playing field in that respect. I'm really old fashioned and believe it is down to men to approach the woman, but from what I've seen I appear to be a dying breed. Women drink pints of beer, pay for meals, ask men out and all sorts these days.

Also, I don't know what's worse, AS men having anxiety about approaching a woman for a date, or AS women worrying if a guy who has come over to talk, is interested romantically, if he's interested at all or he really does just want to know what the time is/where he can find the nearest loo/where he can catch the number 6 bus, or just filling in time because you are both waiting in a queue etc., what he really means when he asks a question...etc. etc.

It might not be more difficult for either gender, maybe it's just different issues, but from some of the comments on here I think men don't understand just how bad it can be for women. Because women can hide it better than men generally that can actually be far more of a hindrance, and perhaps this is part of the reason why men think women don't have it as tough as them.

Neurotypical females b***h about being told to "smile" as well.

What bothers me most about these threads is that they turn into "what determines how hard it is to be autistic is all how hard it is to get a relationship". Part of me thinks as soon as any one of these starts up it should get moved to Love and Dating, because that's all it turns into anyways.

Personally, I don't think there's a meaningful question here anyways.

... or some 'Women's fashion and make-up' forum, if there's any.


This.

I think it's difficult to be a woman with AS personally, purely because AS is different in females and less understood, and also because there are less of us (as far as I know).
I do however think it's probably harder to be a man with AS. As a woman, I find I can make a good housewife even though I found it impossible to complete education, and I can't work. For a man, somebody expected to support his family etc. this would be debilitating. Our society still expects the male to be able to "look after" the woman, which is fine for a woman with AS, but a man with AS who can't look after his partner is a failure - and that's if he can find one in the first place, and he's usually considered an even bigger failure if he can't do that.
The difficulties we face on a day to day basis are probably pretty even, though.

For some that is an option.

If you hate sex or are asexual and do not have sex because of this you are unlikely to find a husband. I'll never get married because I won't have sex. Plus I'd make a bad housewife because I don't like to cook or clean and I don't want kids. Also many women have to work these days even if they are married.

As a female I probably found it easier than a male to find sex but I didn't have much luck in finding actual relationships.

Even beyond that, my impairments because of my autism directly interfere with my ability to do housework. Along with issues with employment, I have issues with cooking and cleaning.

That depends. I guess some traits are more difficult for women and some for men.

I think the aspects that make it more difficult for women are
- society expects women to be social and friendly, more than men
- women also "have to" be more beautiful

I threw in the gender towel at the age of 4. I live my life as I see it fit for myself as an androgynous Mod. I feel 90% more male than I do female, which is my actual birth order. My opinion is that women have it a little harder than men, because of those stupid gender roles that still exist. There are guys on here who say that female aspies have it easier, because all they have to do is look pretty. I have no interest in looking pretty. I've never plucked my eyebrows or worn makeup in my life. I live the life that I see fit for myself, not the life that the gender police want me to live.

I don't fit into either gender these days in the 21st Century. If these were the 1960s, I'd actually be able to pass as male and get away with it. That was the Mod era, after all.

Probably men, even though being a woman with AS can probably be sh!tty sometimes as well. Men are expected to be party animals, extroverted and so on, whereas women are allowed to be shy and quiet.

On the other hand, men can be the "strong but silent" type, and they can be emotionally clueless and seen as "just men", whereas women who aren't nurturing and bubbly are seen as "ice queens" or b*****s.

I think both genders with ASDs have it hard in ways, as do NTs. I think we all have our strengths associated with our genders, also.

I think one's age makes a difference, also. And "difficulties" are not purely restricted to who has it harder to initiate contact with the opposite gender. Interesting that the majority of this thread if focussed on that. And what is it that men are wishing to gain from this? A relationship, a family, etc, or just something of an "adult" nature?

As an older female, it can be hard for us also. I am a very trusting, very honest (TOO darn honest!) person, and I believe people very easily, as all I can go on is their words, not their body language. Due to this, I have fallen victim to a LOT of horrible stuff that men have manipulated me with. Sure, some might consider my past to have been "successful", and I certainly didn't initiate any of it, but I would disagree as I sure have suffered for it! Stuff that will be with me forever and taint my Life. I have had to learn the hard way, and being a b&w thinking person, it is difficult to believe that ANY man is a trustworthy person (don't worry, I know there are some that are, but it is tough to believe it too).

Thankfully I am now with someone who I believe is also an aspie to a degree, and although this brings problems into our rship (misunderstandings mixed with anxiety and memories of past bad situations don't mix well!) but other than that all is good.

However, as a woman who is in a rship, is a Mother, is trying to work, run a house, study and set up a business, as well as look good enough in society not to draw negative attention (been there, done that, people make it quite verbally obvious that they don't like seeing a woman who doesn't present herself in the stereotyped way!!), it is tough for a woman with AS.
I have executive function issues, so can you imagine?
R/ship: Need to be constantly working on trying to communicate my thoughts properly, reading him properly, trying to avoid arguments, trying to work on affection stuff with sensory sensitivities, trying to pull my weight in Life, having to deal with sensory sensitivities with activities (thankfully my partner understands but it sometimes annoys him), needing to be a good daughter-in-law at family functions - mixing with the other women, knowing what to do, where to sit, how to help, what to bring, how to interact well with nieces and nephews... Women exPECT other women to be good at this stuff!! !! I also need to keep myself looking good in order to "compete" with the constant influx of the "perfect woman" that the World gets brainwashed with from every place and direction! And I have to try to hide my meltdowns though I fail at that.
Running a house: Oh boy. Shopping for food (market, supermarkets, need I say more!! !), cooking, chores (exec functioning again). Although men help out more these days, it is still expected the woman do the most of this.
Being a Mum: I love it, but it's hard. How to talk with him, play with him, how to explain to him that I need alone time often, how to look after another person who has his own executive functioning issues while I have my own at the same time (what a nightmare!) while trying not to have a meltdown. I have had heaps of meltdowns in front of him, it is not a nice feeling!! Driving around lots, the expectation that you need to talk to other Mothers at his school, etc (I don't), finding yourself in places with other people's kids a lot who are loud and invasive of your space..... (as I said though, I love being a Mum, but it can be hard too)
Work: I have the worst job in the World for an aspie. It is in sales where I have to look like a perfect attractive female amongst a noisy environment where I have to initiate conversations with people constantly - I am very bad at this!! !! It is a highly stressful job for me, hence why I am trying to start my own business
Study: Exec functioning issues
Starting my own business: Exec functioning, plus am meant to find my own clients and be able to develop a rapport with people, particularly through body language. Need to make phone calls, need to keep pushing myself....

Speaking generally, I am pretty sure that most men don't have to do ALL this stuff. They (generally) need to work, and be nice to their wives, and are allowed to be not-so-active with their children.

For people who are bad at multitasking and socialising and keeping things organised and for presenting themselves correctly, it is hard to be the woman in a family. You have to do so much, do it well, don't complain, look after everyone else, and look good while doing it all. Apparently a lot of ASD men look for a wife to help look after them with the issues they have. This doesn't happen for an ASD woman with a husband, she is expected to look after HIM (my partner is good though, he understands me more than any man I have ever met!)

One thing that's hard to bypass: Women are expected to be good at certain kinds of social skills that autism impairs (like having empathy, being able to express sympathy, compassion, etc.). I am not saying this is a trait inherent to women, but a trait expected of women, and I don't think those of us on the spectrum come by it naturally. I twisted my head around trying to do that for years before acknowledging that it was okay if I couldn't always be sympathetic and kind because I don't know how in every situation, and because I did it in response to expectations and not because it was anything that was an inherent part of how I function.

I'm not arguing against kindness, I wish people in general were more willing to be kind or to withhold comment when they don't have the capacity for kindness (and in this case, I include myself - I fail at it as much as anyone). I don't mean people should let others walk all over them, and everyone's going to make mistakes, just that people put more work into it.

But I still don't know how to express that every time that it would be appropriate, and sometimes finding a way is a lot of work.

Last edited by Verdandi on 08 Aug 2012, 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Interesting how many people interpreted this as which gender has it harder in relationships.

I think personally that being a female in the spectrum is harder in terms of social expectations. And I think this not only because I am female but because people expect a lot more socially from females and because we learn how to gloss over our difficulties, generally, we fall between the cracks. What this means in the long run is that A. we are expected to function normally and we try to fill this, but when our behavior and scripts and mimicry do not stand to serious scrutiny, we suffer social problems and hard times holding friendships and relationships while our difficulties are not believed.

I am saying this from personal experience.

I think males have it harder because (if i have interpreted correctly) men live in a very gender competitive environment. Boys and men always wish to excel above each other while females tend to be able to find one or two good friends who help them keep up and to navigate through social and environmental situations.

If i have a crying meltdown in public, my friend tends to comfort me, rather than think it is out of place immediately or make me feel like a sore thumb. In retrospect I think a male would have a hard time finding another male friend to do the same.

Again this is all scholarly speculation paired with personal experience. I am in no shape or form that well informed in social culture >,<

The biggest factor is innate severity of the disorder.