NT thinking ur struggles are normal for everyone

Post Reply New Topic

If I were not right, then why have I helped so many aspies? Once they realized they really were overreacting, they let it go. Now the light sensitivity and other stuff, of course it's different to them. But I still doubt you can feel "more" stress or more "pain" than any other human. Lots of studies and research shows that aspies overreact on small things a lot like OCD. I have read a lot and I have familiarized with a lot since this syndrome interests me. If you keep believing that NT have it easier, then you won't ever get over whatever issues you are going through. I think we all experience emotions the same, some like people with the syndrome just don't know what to do with those emotions and feelings and need guidance here.

And to respond to you, I would not like it if someone rudely told me I was overreacting. Like called me a drama queen or something, but if they gentlytold me that I was overreacting, then I would see the picture and figure that I AM. I even tell NT friends that they overreact over a bad break up or whatever. You just have to be gentle and not rude about it, which might be hard for people with asperger's to do. But in addition, how would YOU even know what NT's feel ? who's to know that we feel more stress than you do? What if we just can think about it and find solutions rather than not knowing what to do about it? If I do not tell a person that they are overreacting when they are, then should I leave them in pain and depression? No, that isn't right. I have to help open the eyes of my friends.

For Evy7 from the Autism Discussion facebook page, written by an NT:
https://www.facebook.com/autismdiscussionpage

"Living in a World of Extremes!

We have discussed the “all or nothing” thinking style of many people on the spectrum. This trait is represented in many areas of the person’s life (sensory, cognitive, emotional, and social). They often fluctuate from one extreme to another, having difficulty staying in a moderate range. They have difficulty regulating their cognitive and emotional responses, to stay in a level range that matches the demands of the setting. It is if there processing has an “on and off” switch, but not a volume control switch. Most neuro-typical (NT) people have a “volume switch” that allows them to regulate the intensity of sensory stimulation, emotional reactions, and behavior responses to match the demands of the current situation. This allows them to “regulate”; match their cognitive and emotional reactions to the current demands. From moment to moment, for a person to stay regulated and “in sync” with his surroundings, he has to be able to turn the intensity up and down, depending on the current situational needs. If the sensory stimulation is too “loud” the brain will turn it down. If a daily snag initiates an anger response, our brains will immediately tune it down to not over-react. We constantly adjust the volume of intensity to adaptively match the situational demands. When possible danger is present, we become hyper-aroused to increase our alertness to react, then quickly turn it back down when the danger subsides. When we need to go to sleep, we lower our arousal level so we can fall a sleep. People on the spectrum have difficulty raising and lowering their arousal level, emotional responses, and cognitive interpretations to respond adaptively to the immediate demands. This is why they are frequently “out-of-sync” with their social surroundings.

People on the spectrum seem to have a faulty “volume control”, and react with an “all or nothing” response. They have an “on/off switch”, but not a volume control knob. They are either all on, or all off, reacting in the extreme ends of intensity. We frequently see this in sensory processing, where the person can be sensory defensive (over-responsive) or hypo-sensitive (under-register stimulation), or over-aroused (hyper-alert) or under-aroused (slow and sluggish). Their nervous systems react quickly to fight/fight/ or freeze, “panic” response, or may not notice the stimulation altogether (e.g. very high pain threshold). Their nervous system either filters out too much stimulation, or let’s in overwhelming stimulation. This leaves the nervous system “on guard”, nervous, anxious, and on “high alert!”

This “all or nothing” also effects the “extremes” of emotional reactions. They may over react emotionally to minor irritations, or show minimal emotional reaction at all. They are either calm or angry, happy or sad, with little in between intensities. When they are happy, they are excited, when mad, very angry. Unfortunately, they frequently interpret any negative emotion with “fear” and “panic” and escalate quickly. They also have a hard time rebounding once the situation subsides. Little snags can set their brains into a whirl spin, or the brain shuts down to avoid overload. Again, an all or nothing response.

Cognitively, these extremes also are seen. They think in “black and white”, “right or wrong”, “either/or” extremes. They have difficulty perceiving the “gray area” or flexibly adjusting to variability in thought. Rules are black and white, with little room for bending, They interpret things literally, and have difficulty with “good enough” thinking. In regard to attention and concentration, they either are easily distracted with problems attending, or “hyper-focused” to the point of blocking out the rest of world. They have difficulty shifting attention based on moment to moment priorities. This leads to major problems with multi-tasking. They either are totally focused, or unfocused.

Behaviorally, they are either unmotivated for tasks that provide little meaning for them, of hyper-focused (even to point of obsession) for topics of interest. They are either committed and dedicated to action ( even when evidence points otherwise), or totally indifferent. This “all or nothing” often creates obsessive “perfectionism”, or stifling “fear of failure.” They have difficulty understanding what is “good enough!” The world of moderation is difficult to grasp.

Unfortunately, our world is built around flexibility, variability, fluctuations, and moderation. Most of the world operates in the middle ground, fluctuating occasionally from one extreme to the other, only to quickly modulate back to moderation. Most NT people get annoyed and even scared by people operating in the extreme ends. People “out-of-sync” with the rest of the crowd, and reactions do not stay coordinated with the rest of us. Not only does the person with autism not understand our relative processing, we do not understand their “all or nothing” reasoning. This lack of match makes it difficult for people on the spectrum to “fit in.” Often not understanding “why” they don’t get it, only increases the anxiety, further decreasing the ability to regulate.

However, if those close to the people on the spectrum can remember that they are operating from the extremes, then it is easier to understand their behavior and help them regulate. Awareness of why they are reacting so extremely helps us accept their differences. Understanding this “all or nothing” reasoning, helps us stay calm during emotional turmoil, understanding when they “don’t get it”, accepting when they are “rude”, and patient when they are obsessive. Understanding that they see the world differently than us, allows us to live together more cooperatively and appreciate the gifts that come with these differences."

I could not read that whole passage, but I skimmed it and got the key point. All that passage was saying was that they do not know or have trouble turning off the negative emotions and what not. It does not state that you can feel a greater sense of it. It is impossible for you to know exaclty what goes on in an NT mind likewise. "They may over react emotionally to minor irritations, or show minimal emotional reaction at all". From your passage is what I am trying to say all along. that you have to inform them that they are OVERREACTING when they shouldn't be. Once they are notified and aware, they are able to tune it down. Obviously, as a NT, I can base my reactions with mycultural and social upbringings and can respond to a matter in an approppriate way. BUt, people with asperger's don't see or differentiate how to act when a crisis of their own comes into play because they cannot read that from their society. So, in order for them to learn and know, they need to be TOLD. And the only way to help tell them is to relate to it. So that is why we NT's do this. And this is why I can still help manyof my friends with those issues too.

I suppose it depends on the timing of when you speak with them about it. If you say it straight away, they are probably still unable to "turn the volume down".
For me, if I react strongly to something, someone telling me I am overreacting will upset me soooo much more! In fact, anyone telling me my feelings are not validated make me feel upset.
I mean, what IS an overreaction anyway? Are they overreacting within themselves? Or overreacting in comparison to how YOU would react?
How can you know how a person feels, or what experiences they have had in their lives to cause such a reaction? If you knew someone had been abused in their lives and then "overreacted" to a new situation which triggered this memory for them, would you tell them they were overreacting? I am sure you wouldn't.
Maybe instead of telling them how they should be feeling, you could ask them questions to understand them better instead? Through this, they can learn more about their own thought processes also.

I've had others tell me, "I've had the same problem." Do they really think they are identifying with me? Do they really think that it's helpful? Saying that you don't like crowds of people isn't like the anxiety and even terror I feel. Saying that you don't like to be touched isn't the same as touch physically painful. I wish they would simply listen sometimes.

To the other poster, I do not have to read the whole passage to get the main point. I am doing fine doing it my way. I got the point didn't I? I am just saying there is no proof that you feel any different from the sensations that NT's feel. Yes, you may have trouble with dealing with it(like many NTs do..I had to go through years to cope with stress techniques as well), but that's why it helps to hear out other perspectives. I am always a very gentle and caring person about it. I always make sure to firm calm down the person who needs my help. How do I know something is overreaction? It's quite simple. Crying and going crazy over a grade is an overreaction. For NT's, we can tell what overreactions are and that's is how we can help people who cannot tell. Usually it may take time for people to reduce their anxiety or "volume" it down and it's the same for NT's as well, it's just NT's don't show that kind of emotion so openly as people with asperger's do, since we are aware of social custums and cues. We may look calm about an event or stress, but we are dealing with it internally as well. Either way, I cantinue to help people with this issue being a NT or not. But, it is also wrong to assume that we have it easier if you are also not in our shoes either. I am not in your minds and niether are you in mine, but one thing I know is that you can help people turn down their reaction to things by relating and doing it the right way, not in a mean way.

If you still think that AS people suffer more emotion than NT,then feel free to think that way, but when they describe their emotions, they are the same as mine and they feel the same as me as far as my experience.

analyser23 thanks for sharing that. I was pleasantly suprised that an NT wrote that.

Yer, it happens to me too. Both my mum and her sister claim that they have social phobia and are shy and don't like making eye contact when passing strangers in the street and hate attending social gatherings like weddings, then the next minute they speak to every stranger in the street with great confidence (so they must have been making eye contact and staring at them enough to get their attention), and when they come back from a social gathering they're like, ''oh, yes, it was great, I got chatting to so-and-so, they're really nice, I got their numbers so we can perhaps meet up again....'' I usually just look at them and say, ''if you had social phobia and was afraid to make eye contact and was shy and despised social gatherings like you say you do, I don't think you would have made friends that quick and that easily.'' And my mum and her sister both don't drink alcohol, so we can't answer that to ''they were probably drinking alcohol then''.

Again, why are people assuming that I think they do not need extra help? Did I ever say that we actually know what they are feeling ,NO! I said we can relate and we only do it to help. No need to keep giving me weird and weird examples. Just reread my posts on what I'm trying to say. I already have said ASpeople need extra help on calming down; but that wasn't my point. In addition, to the other poster, I I don't need to read the whol;e passage period. I newver said people need to do things my way. I said I help people with my advice. No need to be defensive and pardon if I offended you, which I didn't want to come off as. I have already made my basic point up there. I would be annoyed if someone thought they knew exactly what I was going through too, but I never said that's what I do. I said I relate to help calm people down. I don't see why that should be criticised. The only point I made was that we as humans feel the same. That is all. So those example of dealing with situations don't apply to me if you reread my posts on my main point.

To sum up here was my main ppoint: WE NT & AS PERSONS FEEL THE SAME EMOTIONS(AGREE?), BUT AS PEOPLE NEED HELP TUNING THOSE EMOTIONS(AGREE?). NT CAN HELP AS PERSONS BY RELATING AND BEING THERE FOR THEM AND HELPING THEM TUNE THEIR REACTIONS IJNTO A HEALTHY WAY. -This last part is my choice upon how I help people with AS and I must say I am always successful and will continue to help people as needed. This was all I said. So for people telling me stories on how NTs don't know exactly what they go through , of course they don't really know, but they sure can help by relating or being there for you. If you hate when people relate, then maybe my method wouldn't work with you, and that's okay. We areall entitled to our choices and beliefs anyway.

NTs don't know how autistic people think and feel about many things, just like autistic people don't know how NTs think and feel about many things. The brains are different. The sensory perceptions are different. The cognition is different.

There is overlap in all these areas, but the minds are verry merry berry different as well.

If an NT person wants to help an autistic person, then the first thing that he or she should do is to admit there are many many many differences, most of which they cannot comprehend without having them eggsplained to them, then listen to the autistic person to find out what some of the specific differences are, then help the autistic person figure out a way to deal with those differences. This is the opposite of what most NTs naturally do. Most NTs naturally impose their own theory of mind and their own thoughts and feelings onto other people as the ones that other people should have, then judge the thoughts and feelings of other people as abnormal, unhealthy, and incorrect if those are different from theirs, then try to "help" other people by changing their thoughts and feelings into ones that are the same as theirs, the normal, healthy, correct ones that they have and think that everyone should have. The case in point is already in this thread.

To relate or help someone is to listen and understand without saying much, then think it over without saying much, then figure out a way to actually help based on what the other person is going through and thinking and feeling. To harm is to make assumptions, impose your mind onto others, project yourself onto others, make others change to fit you, all without listening and understanding what others are really saying because you are too busy doing all these other things, like the case in the point didn't even bother to read the Facebook post, even though the Facebook post is also krap.

If an NT person wants help from me, then I would listen to what they say, and I would try to help them figure out how to deal with their problem, instead of telling them that eberrything would be bester if they just thought my way and did the things that I did. In real life, NTs have many social issues with each other, ones that I don't have, because they are moar socially sensitive, and sometimes, they come to me with their minor social issues that look like overreactions to me, but I know that they are not, because they really have strong feelings in their situations, and I could just tell them to tune their feelings down and be just like me who doesn't have these little social feelings and doesn't overreact so much to these little social slights or embarassments or tensions. That would be ridiculous for me to do to them.

My experience of most NTs/average people is that unless you have something they want they aren't interested in you. So they might want to be your friend if they feel being friends with you will enhance their social status or they might want sex from you or they might want to use some knowledge, skill or resource you have for their own benefit. It's exceedingly rare to meet an NT who wants to just altruistically help you out of the kindness of their heart - the world just doesn't work like that - it all runs on a transactional basis ie what can you do for me if I do this for you?