When and how did you first notice that you were different?

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I'm not 100%,
but I think I more so caught on to it when I was around 13/14 (I'm undiagnosed, but have been waiting for months now). Where things seemed to be... well, "just falling into place" for all the normal people. Where I'm from autism/aspergers wasn't very well known until the mid 90s, and even now a lot of people seem to be unaware.

There was a similar thread not so long ago, so I just post the answer from that thread.
It is hard to answer as I had no words for "being different".
In kindergarden I was most of the time lying under the table and drawing and the other children were like moving, noisy coloured shadows for me.
This lasted until around age 9 or 10 I guess as I realized that this coloured shadows were in small numbers assembling at one place. I got a little interested in this "phenomena" and watched them from a distance and once searched for a strategy to "approach" them, but I lost interest quite quickly again.
I had no concept of "being different", because I had no concept of socializing and was too much in my own world.
Age around 18 I started feeling "something" as I still was just observing groups but forgetting about them, but the observance was longer and more inter-human contact was demanded and this was a strange concept to me.
I guess here I started to develop a concept of "being...?", but still I was too much drawn into my own world.
Finally I learned that I am different was being diagnosed.
There I learned to formulate that I am different.
Before I didn't had the words to name it, because there was something I could not realize conceptually.
It was like I was in my own world and the others were different, but not me.

I guess it was high school. For the most part, I wasn't interested in the same things as the others. I was pretty much a loner. I couldn't relate to the other kids very well.



That's the way I feel now....

Before kindergarten or around that time, I became aware of the fact that no one else, adult or child, made up stories like I used to do. Nowadays, writing is my special interest, but, before I learned how to write, I just imagined stories all the time (I still do). Sometimes, I played them out with my toys, sometimes I made serial drawings to tell the story and some other times I just imagined them in my head, as if I saw a movie (that's what happens today too, before I get to write them). I was very intrigued by this difference and kept asking my mother what do people think about, if they don't make stories. She never knew how to answer, so she didn't...

When I entered kindergarten, I noticed that I was socially isolated and sometimes even bullied. But I didn't think I was different, I just thought they were mean and picking on me with no reason whatsoever. I noticed that I loved to be on my own and spent weeks on end just to make a series of drawings to tell a story I imagined about a family of birds, while the other kids played together. I thought it was normal to have different pastimes.

When I entered primary school, I noticed that I didn't have any friends and that I was still isolated. That's when I started feeling really different, in a negative sense. My aunt told me that I didn't have any friends, because I was too intelligent and people don't like intelligent people. I was indeed more intelligent than my classmates, so I believed the explanation. I also noticed that I loved reading books and got fascinated by ancient history, while my classmates didn't - but I just thought that they were stupid and uneducated. It took me years to become aware of the fact that other people were never that passionate about anything, like I was about my special interests.

In highschool, on top of my social problems, I also noticed I wasn't turning into a sexy young woman, like my classmates did, I was more of an androgynous person. I also never liked the same music as my peers did and never followed the trends, I was oblivious to any fashion. That's when the worst bullying happened and there was a lot of pain and suffering. I never dated any boy, didn't know how to flirt and still was very isolated. I also noticed that I could never keep any deadline, was always late and forgetful. I also seemed to be more sensitive to pain than my peers.

When college started, I had an identity crisis and convinced myself that I was a transgender person. I even attended a support group for transgender people. I did feel very different from my female peers, but I soon noticed that I was different from the transgender people I met too. I finally understood that I self-identify as a woman, but that I am androgynous.

Then, I embarked on a quest to understand myself better and to better myself, too. I entered psychotherapy and searched for the reasons for my social isolation and for my other difficulties. I strongly believed that the fact that I experienced rejection during my first day in kindergarten was the reason for everything bad that happened. It took me years, but I finally got rid of the social anxiety that plagued me...

I expected things to change. And they did. I no longer have anxiety when I am in social situations. But they didn't get any easier. I didn't get the social code. And I still needed my time alone. For a while, I felt very normal. But then, I noticed once again that I wasn't. I disregarded it and did my best to act NT.

Last year, I accidentally found some info about adult ADHD. I read and read about it and I cried and laughed at the same time. I had finally found a reason for my being always late and inability to finish tasks, forgetfulness and all the rest. Therefore, I decided to tackle my ADHD issues and finally become a normal person. I pushed myself beyond my limits. And then, I crashed and burnt out...

That's when I had a class about autism during my master's courses. Granted, autistic people were misrepresented as three-eyed alien monsters, but I still strangely felt that I had empathy towards them. I felt that I *really* understood them. I then read about a genetic connection between ADHD and autism, so I researched a bit more. I recognized some Aspie traits in myself. Besides that, the ADHD didn't explain all of my quirks and impairments. So I tentatively joined WP and...

For the first time in my life, I no longer felt different. I was amazed. This community here has helped me become more aware of the ways in which I'm different from NTs, which led to me seeking and getting a diagnosis. I am so happy and so relieved to finally know the reason *why* I have felt so different for such a long time... The reason is Asperger's syndrome. Now, everything really makes sense.

And, even if I was not always aware of being different, the theme of differentness has haunted my writings ever since I was a kid. That probably means that, even when not being aware of it, my unconscious mind was preoccupied by differentness. My aunt has written down a story I told her when I was 5 years old and it's about a duckling who was different ("naughty") than his siblings and nobody liked him, except for the main character who took him home and adopted him, because he really liked different and even "naughty" people (he didn't like the other ducklings, thought they were lame). It's funny that, looking back on it, the naughty duckling showed symptoms of ADHD. I didn't know what ADHD was, but I did know myself. His siblings were very much NT

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

I have NLD and possibly Aspergers Syndrome and I have felt different since I was about 13 years old. That is when I moved again to another school and I moved every 1 or every couple of years growing up so moving was normal. When I went to the small school in 7th grade there were "mean girls" and I was pretty much ostracized and ended up going to a public school the next year and there were still "mean girls" there, but it was much better since it was a larger school. There was even another new girl at the public school who the "mean girls" disliked because she was attractive and new.

Then throughout high school I felt different and was not really sure why. It is only as an adult after going through neuropsychology testing that I have come to realize I have NLD and possibly Aspergers. Prior to the neuropsychology testing I researched online about ADHD to see if I had that and it did not really fit me and then I read about Aspergers and it really seemed to fit me. After the neurospychology testing was completed I have come to believe that is definitely NLD and posssibly Aspergers. I was not formally assessed for either, but was only tested for the neuropsychology. My verbal score was siginificantly higher than my performance score and in junior high I needed a math tutor. I did fine with math once I had the math tutor. My grades in junior high were even a discrepancy of sorts with As and Bs in some classes and Ds in other classes so that was a red flag.

Also when I was about 6 years old and learning to ride a bike I distinctly recall that was very difficult to master riding a bike. I fell badly 2 or 3 times off the bike and it did not feel right. My parents acted as though it was perfectly fine and normal, but to me I felt like "why is it so difficult to learn to ride a bike?" In social situations I do feel awkward and this is a clue that I have NLD as well. I make eye contact ok although when sit across from somone for a long while I tend to get sick of the eye contact thing so not sure what that means. Also I do unfortunately make social blunders from time to time and really dislike this feeling, but I guess I can not help it. I have been told that my facial expression sometimes has a flat affect, but then I have also been told that I smile often. Smiling often is a trait of NLD and so if a flat affect.

Regarding NLD and my visual spatial skills being less than perfect, here are some examples of my lacking skills: can not reverse a car in a straight line to save my life and it makes me pretty nervous to try, my sense of direction seems to be lacking compared to most of my friends and family, also my poor skills in origami are perhaps another sign of poor visual spatial skills. My strengths are pretty good and include excellent grades throughout my life except in junior high when my math and science grades were not as good as my English and history grades, and I am good at learning foreign languages, writing poetry, etc.

I've felt different ever since kindergarten. Throughout elementary school, I knew I was different because I was on a different intellectual level. I was the only kid I knew of that was reading since before kindergarten, preferred to read over socializing with classmates, and actually wanted to learn things. But by middle school, I realized that I had some social deficits and that there was a lot that I didn't understand about social dynamics. I didn't get what was so important about climbing the social ladder or how people were "hanging out" as often as they did.

By age 16 I discovered the Myers-Briggs type indicator and that I am an INTP. This was a major revelation at the time and helped me discover how I was different, and that my "faults" were also my strengths. Then at age 21 (a few months ago) I discovered that I have Asperger's. Now I mostly know why I'm different.

When nobody wanted to play with me at little school.

I probably noticed it around fourth grade, but I was probably different from the day I was born.

I was always introduced with "don't worry, she's very shy". I always felt like I didn't belong, home never felt like home, I always wanted something else. Rather than think "I'm different" I thought "I'm glad I'm not them". Same thing but not as negative I guess.

I noticed around fourth grade that I couldn't do certain simple things others took for granted. I got laughed at by fellow students, some who were functionally illiterate and failing all their classes. I knew something was wrong with me, but Asperger syndrome wasn't a diagnosis then.

My earliest memories aren't easy to reflect on. I often feel a deep sense of shame when I think about how needy I must have been. It always seemed like I was on the verge of losing everyone, and I can't remember if I was ever able to empathize with others, which probably made me seem strange to them. I know my mother tried to help by taking me to family counseling and support services, but from what I've been told, these resources in the early 80s weren't as developed or effective as they are today.

My parents divorced when I was about five, and we spent the next couple of years in a state of transition. I missed my dad and my friends from school and kindergarten, and I often wonder how much of my odd behavior stemmed from the stress of those changes, how much was due to being on the spectrum, or whether it was a mix of both.

I have clearer memories of the other kids at school than of myself, and I remember several who, looking back, I would bet were also on the spectrum, facing additional challenges. However, we never talked about them in clinical terms, so I wasn't educated on why they were vulnerable to bullying or treated as "special" by some. I wish I had understood then what I know now. If I had, I would have been more vocal in standing up for them, but I was so isolated myself, just trying to blend in. I was the kid who couldn’t kick a ball straight—and still can’t—and had no interest in trying.

I was at third grade.

I just look at everyone and at myself.
The way they feel, the way they think, the way they move and talk.

They're just like my mom and my sister.
And not like me.

It's not like I'm intellectually or physically disabled. It's not like I have an appearance that stands me out in a not good way.

It's not like I have someone like that in the household or my life to associate with.

It's not like I have a particular special circumstances compared to other family that supposed to bring my household shame.
Like I don't have a divorcing parent, illegitimate siblings... We're not that too rich nor too poor...


I don't have a scapegoat.

I just figured that...
... It's me.


Even if I'm not needy (I'm way less needier than my own sister) nor am a nuisance.

My own mom had a stellar reputation amongst parents to a point that she leads them.
My dad's abroad so he's fairly untouchable.

I just don't feel, talk, think, or act like them despite being just as human.
Instead of shame, I just got frustrated because it meant there's no one on my side.

I don't mind being alone fighting all of this.
It's just disempowering because I'm alone with no one backing me up, no one to trust, no one to understand.

Like I'm this foreigner in a foreign land.
That this is not my home. They're not my people.
I didn't knew who else was or ever will be.


It's less about being ashamed, lonely and sharing. Else I would've expressed this long time ago.
And more about having no one to use and justify, really, to say that I'm not the only one.

It felt like an overwhelming odds of game of numbers than a disconnection and dissociation towards anyone.

I looked back in this and...
There's nothing to disconnect or dissociate. There's nothing remotely to be ashamed of even more.

It just became this me vs the world.
No one can relate to that at that age.

And if they do, they'll have this early life stages of trying hard and trying hard enough whether to stand out in a good way or standout less; to mask themselves whether to blend in and join, or 'do better' so they can redeem themselves in others' eyes.

They're just as socially driven.
I never had to do any of that even as a kid. It just made me hate the idea of masking at that age.

Everyone else will speak of shame, loneliness and isolation in similar experience, which I cannot seem to relate all the same.

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