Did you act differently after finding out you had an ASD?

Post Reply New Topic

For me it explained a lot but changed nothing.

I'm glad I found this thread, because I was recently accused of "overcompensating" and behaving "more autistic than I am." Though rationally I knew not to take these words to heart, I was shocked and hurt by them all the same. It relieves me to know that this is a normal part of the process. I was starting to question myself and thought I may be sub-consciouslly "putting on an act," and wondered if I needed to be re-restricting my behaviors. Now that I've read this, I am feeling much better about it.

Self-diagnosed for now (though I had several people within a few weeks of each other tell me I should get tested for AS before I decided to read about it,) and it has been about three months since the realization. I am an incredibly self-conscious person, so I have hidden my "traits" from most everyone that knows me, and there were times I felt like I would go absolutely crazy if I didn't allow myself to show them (proven history of this happening back in 2009.) Once the after-glow of realizing I had AS faded (it still catches me off guard every once and a while) I started to loosen up the reigns I was practically choking myself with - my anxiety and mood have been off the charts due to unrelated events, but instead of bottling every feeling or urge as I usually did, I allowed myself to behave "how I do when I'm alone" more often.

Currently saving up the money for an official diagnosis, and I'm beginning to wonder if that next step will cause any further changes in how I present myself. Was it a fairly similar transition?

I don't think so. Not that I am aware anyway.

I feel this same way. I just made a determination (no official dx) about 4 months ago. As I read more about ASD -- and I've read A LOT, as information-gathering is I guess a "special interest" -- I started seeing more and more traits that I had that I thought were normal. I was noticing so many -- my mom will sometimes point things out as well -- that I was beginning to think I was "making" myself have some of it. But now I realize that I'm just more aware of it. To be brutally honest, I've felt more "messed up" since I started all this. I used to feel really smart and together. But now that people have pointed out traits, suddenly I feel like I'm confused or mentally challenged in so way. I'll be glad when I get used to ASD and can get some of my self-confidence back. I too have also considered loosening up and stop pretending to be "normal". If I want to wear a feather boa, I should be able to, right?

I feel this same way. I just made a determination (no official dx) about 4 months ago. As I read more about ASD -- and I've read A LOT, as information-gathering is I guess a "special interest" -- I started seeing more and more traits that I had that I thought were normal. I was noticing so many -- my mom will sometimes point things out as well -- that I was beginning to think I was "making" myself have some of it. But now I realize that I'm just more aware of it. To be brutally honest, I've felt more "messed up" since I started all this. I used to feel really smart and together. But now that people have pointed out traits, suddenly I feel like I'm confused or mentally challenged in so way. I'll be glad when I get used to ASD and can get some of my self-confidence back. I too have also considered loosening up and stop pretending to be "normal". If I want to wear a feather boa, I should be able to, right?

My dad recently made a very similar accusation as did some friends. I was also very upset by it. Is it a suprise that during a time of great emotional distress that somebody might display more unusual behaviours? I don't think so. Both accusations were before I got my official diagnosis (less than a month ago).

I relate to this; I've never been officially diagnosed either, but it's the only thing I've come across in my extensive studies that describes me quite so well. After determining that I almost undoubtedly have it, I found myself unconsciously exaggerating my AS symptoms; I started flapping again, something I haven't done since I was 12, and became more withdrawn than usual, all of a sudden I found myself taking seriously things I would have known were sarcasm before, and now I find it hard to tell the difference so I just keep my mouth shut and don't comment. It's been really irritating, feeling like I don't know where the real me ends and the exaggerated me begins, I want to be able to go back to the way I was before I learned about AS, and I'm hoping one of these days I'll be able to. Ever since I learned about Asperger's it's felt like there was this thick pane of glass between me and the rest of the world, when before I never even realised I was all that different from anyone else. I hate feeling so dreadfully isolated.

I've also read a lot about ASD (it sort of turned in to an obsession/special interest for about 6 months) and I, too, feel more "messed up" now than before I started researching it. I feel more confused. I've always known I'm not "normal" but I haven't been able to figure out what was "wrong" with me. Then I all of a sudden found out about ASD, I found WP and I started relating to people here. That mixed with anxiety telling me I might be "faking" leads to me obsessing about it even more, which leads to me getting even more stressed out which then results in my ASD traits becoming even more visible. I really hope that I'm just more aware of my traits nowadays. The thought of "faking" (which I'd never do on purpose) makes me want to hit my head. Even though people have told me I probably have AS (others have told me they'd be surprised if I do have it) I won't be able to accept it until I've got an official diagnosis.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel except I've always felt different from other people. Do you worry about "faking" as well? I feel like I don't know who I am anymore (though I've never really known that since my whole life has puzzled me). I've never been able to relate to people the way I relate to people here but it still really confuses me.

EDIT: Also, I've never determined "I almost undoubtedly have it". I can't do that. Out of fear for being wrong.

I can totally relate to this.

I have to say; learning about Asperger's has been a rather jarring experience for me--perhaps the most jarring experience I've ever been through. I mean, I've felt "different" compared to those around me for a long time now, but I still considered myself to be reasonably normal. I wondered about it a few times, but never did I seriously consider the possibility of being autistic. It's been nine full months since I realized I may have AS, and it's still weird to hear myself say, "I may have Asperger's Syndrome. I may be autistic."

It's almost as if almost everything I thought I knew about myself turned out to be wrong.

I read Tony Attwood's: The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, and for each page I turned I thought: "OMG, is that a characteristic of AS too?" I thought I had a unique personality, and then it turns out that I just have AS!
I spent a whole day feeling completely devoid of personality. But I have since decided that I do have a unique personality

This is exactly how I felt. I knew I was different, but I never stood back and observed how different. I know other people have always seen it, so it's not that I changed because of the diagnosis, it's just that I moved through life without real self-reflection beyond what's going on in my head.

On the positive side, I have found a few coping mechanisms through knowing why things bother me so much.

Do you mean assimilating?
I thought channeling was a scientific term for the changing of properties..
Assimilating is absorbing things from the mainstream, or other people that we can take on ourselves and thus project.

I read an article once that girls assimilate a lot easier than boys. Do to this fact, its possible they could get missed during diagnosis as they assimilate easily supposedly.

I did notice I changed after finding out I had AS, but it was a great change! Everything finally made sense, my entire life came together... All the "problems" I had were no longer problems any longer... All the pretending and trying to be someone else immediately came to an end... I didn't feel like I had to be anything else anymore... Even though I'd spend the last year "discovering" myself, which I really did, but at the same time I was trying to forcibly change these oddities about myself, but noticed I couldn't change them! It kept coming back!

So when I found out about AS, it relaxed me... Brought me peace... It allowed me to be completely myself and not worry about what anyone thought of me...

I also became MORE autistic than before, but only because I relaxed and stopped mimicking "normal" and "channeling" others, as someone put it... It really opened up my eyes to many of my mannerisms and feelings I experienced, and many I had buried because at some point or another I was told it was wrong or was poor behavior, especially in social things... But now, if I'm feeling autistic, I just let it out! It's ok! I'm not "neurotypical", so I won't pretend to be! It's exhausting to do so!

If I feel like I don't want to look anyone in the eyes, then I won't force myself to put myself through that discomfort! If I don't know how to take your attitude or "joke" that feels serious to me, then I probably won't respond or I'll just walk away... If I can't get the right words to come out of my mouth, even though the thoughts are there and in order, I'll just be silent or say that I don't know what to say... If I want to chew my fingers, I'll allow myself.. If loud noises are aggravating my ears or you're talking too loud, I'll go sit by myself... In social scenes, I'll probably be sitting in a corner, or hiding behind my best friend... I spent the majority of my 24 years trying to be something else when I wasn't liked or hiding what I am... I just want to be me, now... It's ok! I have Aspergers!!

I can relate to this completely!
I to felt for a while that I was trying to force myself to fit the aspergers mold by adopting some of the traits of AS. Then I started to look back on my life and realized that I always had these traits, I just suppressed them until now.

For example: I used to force myself to make eye contact. I wasn't really aware that I shouldn't need to FORCE it and that it comes naturally to most people. Since I learned about AS, I'm not forcing myself to make eye contact. I just do what comes naturally to me now, which is glance at their face for a fraction of a second then look around the room while talking.

I have also realized that I am also quite self conscious around people. So I always pretend to be what I think people expect me to be. In other words, I've never really been myself around people. If someone was watching me when I thought I was completely alone, they would definitely not think of me as normal!

I'm still trying to get more comfortable with letting people, even close friends, see the "real me".

I wonder if one's reaction has a lot to do with the age at which one is diagnosed as well as how one comes to it, willingly or not.

When I was a teenager, I can imagine that if I'd been told I had to go see a doctor and they told me I had Asperger's, it would have been one more confirmation of my weirdness that might very well have been experienced negatively. Like a final nail in the coffin of my hopes of having friends, leading a normal life. If it wasn't presented to me in the right way.

As it was, coming on the discovery on my own after a long life of being the oddball, it was a relief, it meant I wasn't somehow screwing up my own life all those years, that there was a valid reason for my differentness. It wasn't forced on me, I discovered it on my own, finally, when I sought an explanation for my meltdowns, which I'd experienced, though only occasionally, for over 50 years. The discovery opened up a new way of thinking about myself that wasn't so self-hating, confusing, discouraging. I learned, in the process, that I had in fact adapted very well during all those years, that it had been more of an accomplishment than a series of failures and half-successes. It was rather mind-blowing, and mostly positive.

To look back rather than to look forward to being different all one's life can be an incredibly different perspective.