Secretive or upfront about what ya have?

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Only, in NT culture, it's harder to be cruel to someone if there is a label for their condition. Here's what my NT Mom wrote:



Furthermore, I recently started taking MMA lessons again, and the first day, there was a fellow student who seemed just a little weird but otherwise fine. The coach told me afterwards "he's high-functioning autistic. Sorry, I should have told you this before." I said, "no problem, so am I." This guy helps teach the kids class there, and the coach said parents are nervous putting their kids around him UNTIL they learn that he is autistic, then they are perfectly fine.

I thought this was all very interesting. The paranoia we have about the world makes some of us think that giving the NT's the knowledge that we have HFA might give them an additional stick with which to beat us; however, my limited observation indicates that MAYBE disclosure is disarming. It probably makes gossip more difficult, too, given our culture's political correctness about making fun of people with a known disability. Some might try gossiping anyway, but it's likely others would correct them or change the topic.

I think a good time to tell someone is if you don't know them very well but see them reacting to one of your out-of-place facial expressions.

Older person and have mixed feelings still.

In the past I have not told and if the person ends up wanting to be friends this caused difficulty. Anyone actually spending time with me cannot avoid the fact I am "off" and this is at odds with expectations.

Sometimes this person will feel anger towards me for the apparent deception, considering me dishonest by not telling them, wasting their precious time on a ret*d, so to speak.

But when I do tell people upfront I end up treated "special", I hate that.

Hermit was my answer. Just don't talk to anybody.

But I joined this forum because now and then contact with a human is needed.

I am still mixed on this too... recent diagnosis, plus years of trying to fit in, make "coming out" rather risky. I usually just try to apologize if I offended someone and keep interactions very superficial. I am not one people come running to with the latest gossip for which I'm very happy.

I know under ADA I wouldn't lose my job, but I am not sure I could bear differential treatment since I'm doing my current job well. I almost want to get a second job with full disclosure just to see what happens... something of an experiment.

For those of you who fully disclose, are you working? Are you at a job you got by yourself? I don't mean to be condescending-- I'm just questioning in a sense whether it's worth the risk at a job... Not sure what risk it would be, would treatment be different?

Is it true that NTs don't like to make fun of people with disabilities? What if they can hardly tell sometimes? I work with another autistic and no one talks to him. He is extremely quiet and just does his job, pretty well too, he washes dishes and he's the only one that thoroughly cleans the floor at night. I'm by contrast somewhat outgoing! I was accused of being quiet the other day... but I try to 'touch base' with everyone I encounter, so it may seem a little forced, but it's better than (to me) not talking to anyone all day (that feels more like I'm ignoring them, which makes things worse).

When I was a single mom, I was incredibly secretive. Even my doctor purposefully neglected to mention in my file - my diagnosis or the referral he gave me to the specialist that diagnosed me. He knew I was a good mom, and didn't want to risk CPS coming in and taking my kids because of the label. I was living in one of the areas where you're always hearing crazy CPS horror stories, you know? Now, I'm married to an NT and in a more reasonable area, so there would actually have to be abuse or neglect for them to do anything. As such, I have no fear of someone reporting me to CPS for being an autistic parent, and whatever they think that implies. So, now, I'm very open about my diagnosis. When I finally told my family and friends, they were unphased. Most said something like "Oh. That makes sense" or "That explains everything!" My older sister kind of pulled away a little at first because of her biases (she hated my dad, who was most certainly on the spectrum, and knowing my diagnosis made her seeing how much I was like him)...but after maybe 10 months or so, she was back to normal.

Actually, people seem to be much more accepting and friendly toward me now than they did when I kept the diagnosis a secret. I think it's because they can always immediately tell something is different about me. When they know what it is, they don't have to worry that maybe it's something dangerous. And, instead of discouraging their kids from getting too close to mine, they seem to make a point of encouraging friendships. My 14 yr old son has had a little trouble with people who know his diagnosis trying to take advantage of him, but then other people will step in and stick up for him or advise him on how to deal with it - but people that don't know his diagnosis expect him to know how to handle things on his own and don't help - or are more likely to blame him for being victimized. I find that being very open about our diagnosis really makes things go more smoothly.

As for whether I work. Just within the past few months, I've finished transitioning to being a total stay at home mom. Until now, I've always worked though. I find that employers aren't as willing to hire me in the first place if they know I'm HFA...but if they find out after I've worked for/with them long enough to prove myself, they are totally cool about it.

Last edited by incorrigible on 27 Jan 2013, 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I prefer to not tell someone and if I have a good friend who wishes to not tell me their medical history that is fine. In some cases knowing a person's medical history may be useful as in the case of a person has type I diabetes they may want to tell friends in case of emergency or the same can go for someone with epilepsy. In the past I have said to a friend that I did not do that well in a job because I was "not street smart" and "I could not play the political game" to get promoted.

Yeah, this is a tough position in which to be. Unfortunately, keeping all interactions superficial means it's very hard to develop real friends. I don't really have any real friends, just casual friends I do things with sometimes, probably for this reason.



It depends. They could find some other reason for firing you or not hiring you. I wouldn't disclose unless it was either a major company or a government job.




Yes, government job. I disclosed and it helped me get the job because they reserve a certain number of slots for persons with disabilities, and autism counts. Some very large private corporations work the same way.



They will make fun of you unless your condition has a name, and they are informed that you have condition X. Assuming they are convinced you actually have condition X, many people probably will not feel comfortable gossiping about you.



Do they know he has autism? Does he want to talk to others?

Yes, and no. My dilemma is whether I want to be in this position as well, it would make my day a little easier to not have to talk to people, but my job is more complicated than his and would not go well if I didn't speak to people. Also I'm one of those outgoing (obnoxious) Aspies, I simultaneously find socializing exhausting and crave it. I've forced myself to not talk and well... it's like forcing less verbal autistics to not stim.

Disclosure seems to be based on severity/need of accommodations, well in my opinion, I suppose. Just because I have a hard time at work with things and blame my ADHD on pretty much everything (even if it was totally autistic of me instead) doesn't necessarily mean I should go around telling people I have autism. It seems more acceptable to joke about a 'learning disability' (amongst coworkers, they end up assuming that's why I'm slow on normal stuff and act weird sometimes) for me, but that's also tactless around people that have one too, even though I have a couple. It's hard ground to tread lightly on, that's for sure.

Anywho, thanks for your thoughtful answers, I appreciate that you have a job that you're comfortable with others knowing your condition. I think my job, line cook at a busy chain restaurant, might not be as good a place to tell people.... I actually don't want to be treated differently, or 'left alone' because people are worried about how to interact with me. Maybe I'm more NT in that respect.

LOL - I'm right there with you

I'm very up front about everything about myself here and in real life. I'm very honest about myself.

This sign in my office pretty much says it all.
I've come to realise NT's are more comfortable with a label for an individual who doesn't quite fit in.
They seem to need to be comfortable ( ) with each other socially, this just makes it easy for them. (the poor little things)

My personal experience is that if I tell people they turn around and say I am using it as an excuse nearly right away, my advice, say nothing of it!

I tried to explain to the guy I live with and my ex about my melt down I had and how Autism effects me, how they should not do certain things and they both said that they think I am trying to get away with things which is completely a load of crap, and since then I have made it a policy to not discuss the matter at all with anyone except on forums like this and with doctors only.

I have gone back to isolation pretty much all together as it is less stress and anxiety, less of a chance at haveing a melt down and I just can't take talking to people who do not have ASD period as it normally ends in arguments and or being made fun of, so it's just easier all around for everyone. I used to want to socialize and be more normal but after years of trying, for me it's just not possible.